Foremen and Women
An extra special cunting is due for the wife. Not only her, but all the other cunts over the years who act like they think I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing – in this case Decorating the Front Room. Shades of harry Enfield’s character who was an EXPERT in every fucking thing.
While perched perilously up a ladder trying to reach some corner of a very high ceiling, and this corner in between fucking false beams, she says ‘er, you know you’ve missed a bit?’. You think ‘for fucks sake go and do one’, but being a good boy, only reply ‘yes, I know, I’m trying to get to it’.
Or, because you are doing a very high ceiling, with false beams on it, paint ocassionally drips to a floor – which IS covered with all sorts of sheets. ‘You do know you’re dripping paint?’ she says. (Of course I fucking do you stupid bint – can’t you see I’m covered in the Magmolia Vinyl? – well, that’s what I want to say!) I do say, ‘really my sweet, I’ll try to make sure it gets cleaned up’.
Then there is the black paint around doors and stuff. Having done EVERY fucking door, window frame, patio door, bookshelves, she’ll venture in and say ‘Couldn’t we have another colour?’
When this has happened at least a dozen times AND your efforts have all been mentioned to friends and family and presumably total strangers as well on Whats-Up, Face-Ache or some other cunting app, you might suggest; ‘tell you what love-of-my-life, why don’t you make a list of things that you’ve noticed and I’ll attend to them (when I’ve finished performing trapeze acts!) when I’ve finished doing this – let’s call it a snagging list’. (I really wanted to say a fucking ‘nagging’ list!) She says, ‘Oh its OK, it isn’t important, I’m sure you’ll remember!’.
Thank fuck this is THE last time I’m doing this! Father Time is catching up inexorably, and I’m afraid if I do this for much longer I’ll end up killing myself by toppling off something – knowing my luck, it won’t be from 8ft up a wobbly ladder either, it’ll probably be a foot-stool, attending to one of those fucking SNAGS!
Nominated by Mickey C
With you all the way on this one mate. Have you noticed how the missus is always one step ahead of you as well?
You’re stripping off the old paper in the hall, covered in dripping wet bits of the stuff, and she’s standing there watching. Then she’ll utter those immortal words ‘you know, I think that once this is finished, it’ll really show the living room up…’.
Women. You gotta love ’em. I know I do…
6
Acceptable form:
“What are you doing”?
“Watching you leave, come back before I am finished and I will paint your fanny and ass lady”!
“I’ll start the dinner”?
“Ooh – can I come and start interfering, suggesting, changing my mind and then tell everyone it was all my own work”?
“Get back to the painting”.
“Sorted”.
Can’t stand people buzzing round me when I’m working – fk off and come back when it’s done.
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That bird in the picture up top really looks as though she knows what it’s like to get her hands dirty as well. She’s really giving that plan a serious going over with her eyes closed…
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They’re not plans. She’s been given the task of putting up the posters for the local panto.
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As I work in construction, I can confirm that the only reason we have female project managers is because they are getting shagged by a director.
99% of them are highly strung, emotional and usually completely incompetent cunts.
The bird in the picture has the drawing for the wrong area upside down and is about to tell a tradesman of 40 years experience that she has no idea how to do his job, but she can tell that he is doing it wrong.
The tradesman will be sacked later that day for telling the bird to fuck off and make him a cup of tea.
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NOT my Mrs, Ron!
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Or when repairing cars:
“You’re doing that wrong”.
Hand tools over, slap good lady on the shoulder and say “crack on then”.
“I don’t know what to do”.
“Then shut the fk up and leave it to someone who does”.
Work out what needs to be done, work out the best way to do it and crack on, if I need help I will ask.
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And I once got a right bollocking for decorating the living room like Valhalla!
It’s still a Thor subject..
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Stop right there you’re not JRC, Vernon get a grip. Go and have a word with yourself…. it did make me chuckle a bit. 🙈
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I am currently standing in the corner facing the wall and thinking about my life RK!
And I am definitely not JRC, our very own Tim Vine! 😁👍
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Am I still allowed to claim my £5.00 just for the mention of JRC and Tim Vine, Vernon? 🙂
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I never have been Spoons! As a good Yorkshireman I am in permanent despair at this cruelty! 😢
(A fivers a lot in sunny Yorkshire!)
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Dog bless you, Vermon. You could set up a Fox fund. 🙂
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A Fox fund? As in ‘What the Fox that”? (Sorry, couldn’t resist joining in!)
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Women are blame focused so the best reply is ‘how do we solve the problem?’ Usually stumps them very quick.
Notice that when the say ‘We’ it actually means you being lined up for a solo job that ‘We’ can take credit for?
No matter what the Woke cunts say about us all being equal the tarts just can’t read a road map, gives you some way to explaining how their brain works.
Don’t know one that doesn’t have an intermittent fault in the wiring.
Next time hand her the tools and tell her to show you how it’s done.
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It’s a bit like the royal ‘we’. They’re so good with that, aren’t they?
‘We need to get this stuff down to the tip’.
That’ll be right.
After many years I’ve started to respond in kind; ‘we need to get the tea on dear…’.
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The invention of the Satnav saved my marriage.
3
I’m afraid I tend to respond with “fuck off or do it yourself” in these situations.
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The thing about paint is that it gets everywhere. I`ve been painting the front door & just look at the state of me.
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One thing I have to admire in my missus, she has great patience. She will study something I’ve accomplished for hours till she’s found something to criticise!!
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Every time I look at our new path in the front garden I realise that crazy paving is not all it’s cracked up to be….
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Death by a thousand nags. This is what turns husbands on to suicide, or murder 😂
It’s always the man’s fault – you let her think this way. Train the bitch!
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My wife is an expert on all the things she never does.
Decorating, obviously but also dog walking, breadmaking, gardening, any DIY and hanging out washing. (Which she never does but will sometimes readjust the way I have hung out)
Commands are often couched as questions – are you mowing the lawn? Are you cleaning the car? and so on.
I am a fucking paragon of virtue putting up with it.
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Club girl over head, drag back to cave.
Are they grateful for this romantic gesture? Are they fk
“Have you seen the state of these cave paintings – you better get some magnolia over them, why are there animal bones on the floor, get rid of those awful smelly dogs – that Fred Flintstone has a much better car than you, that fire is stinking out the entire place, why can’t you dress in something else than bear skins, etc” etc..
We love them, they send us mad.
Thus is life.
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I think we’re ALL paragons Cuntstable. We bloody have to be otherwise the divorce rate would be way over 90% worldwide.
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“Anything else dear? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left?”
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I must admit Mrs K once came to the rescue as a Divine Godess Superhero that averted a DIY disaster. I had the kitchen apart and was changing some pipework when I turned on the mains water supply and returned to check my connections when one of them came apart and I was now stuck on one side of the kitchen floor trying to stem the flow of mains pressure and failing badly ! My arms weren’t long enough to reach the prehistoric stop-cock, so I screamed for Mrs K for help. She reached out to turn off the supply but it was jammed and the kitchen floor was starting to resemble a fish tank. “It won’t turn off ” she says. “I can fucking see that ” I retort as I’m laying there like Captain Smith on during the last seconds of the Titanic being upright. “What shall I do ? What shall I do ?” she shrieked. “Turn the bloody tap off” I shout barely being able breathe. “Shall I hit it with a hammer ?”comes the reply. “What fucking use is a hammer? ” I blurt out. She disappears, comes back with a hammer whacks the offending tap and the torrent stops. I got a plumber in the next day and have rarely questioned her opinion since. She even got the mop for me.
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Just got a call from Cat Stevens who needs help to repair a secondary covering that attaches to his caravan.
Awning has broken….
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foremen and forewomen equals eight
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Mickey
‘Accidentally ‘ drop the tin of paint on her head.
If she continues mithering tell her to do it herself, make sure the ladders arent on a even footing and maybe give them a little nudge so she topples off.
Shell be less inclined to bust your balls when shes got severe concussion.
Miserablemarriagetips.com
8
Oh, if only i had the necessary courage to do that! Especially as the reason we were doing the decorating was that we’d just been re-tiled throughout, so took the opportunity to decorate with no furniture to manoeuvre. A gallon of Magnolia Vinyl over our brand new tiles doesn’t bear thinking about.
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The lady in the nomination picture, looking at that large piece of paper, is double checking her shopping list of clothes, shoes, and handbags that she’ll treat herself to after her day of work posing for stock photographs.
3
I have a female boss and I would like to kill her
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So would I. Is it a bloke thing?
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I have a female boss and I’d like to fuck her.
2
I’ve had to totally gut and redo the whole house since I moved in 7 months ago. I have no idea how I managed, not because of lockdown, fuck all open, a plaster shortage, and a multitude of other problems, but because I didn’t have some whining Doris telling me it’s not level, not even, how much I’ve missed, or how long it’s taken. If a woman isn’t moaning at you, she’s moaning about you to someone else.
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Mrs CuntyMort was asking one day what are you doing? Darling I’m changing this gas valve now fuck off and make me a coffee and fuck off out of it. Oh dear to say the shit hit the fan was an understatement.
Foot stamp and fucked off in a huff. Perfect peace and quiet job done in an hour.
I am a gas engineer so all is tikkety boo. P.S. I fucking hate changing gas valves
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Sounds like you’re being subjected to one long shit-test.
This is why i’m single.
3
Kick the cunt to the kerb Mickey and get yourself a newer younger model.
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Give her a fucking paint brush and ask her to show you how to do it properly. That should help her to shut the fuck up.
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