Incredibly Boring Songs

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Some time ago I put up a nom. entitled ‘Done To Death Songs’. This was a bitter condemnation of all those songs which if you never hear again in your life, it will be too soon. No more ‘My Way’. No more ‘Bohemian Rhapsody, or ‘Yesterday’, or fucking ‘Mack the Knife’.
Anyway, on one of those recent glorious afternoons, the wife and I were lazing in the garden (Dog but she still looks good in a bikini), sipping cool Pinot, and listening to ‘golden oldies’ on the radio. Then bastard, on IT came, the most boring song ever. I refer to that turgid dirge ‘Release Me’, foisted on the world in 1967 by the original ‘Tango Man’, Mr Engelbert Humperdinck.
Now younger readers may be unfamiliar with this pile of maudlin wank, so here’s the magnificently mulleted Mr Dinck, seen here still cranking out his hit over twenty years later;

What a soaring feat of songwriting this is. Four lines of melody, eight lines of lyrics, no chorus to the verse, no middle eight, all wrapped up in a gloriously cheesy arrangement. To think that on release, this excresence was top of the charts for weeks, keeping the magnificent Beatles double ‘A’ side ‘Strawberry Fields Forever/Penny Lane’ from the No. 1 spot. Every 80-year-old must have fired up their zimmer frames and lurched down to their local record shop to buy it.
Over fifty years have passed, yet my loathing for this putrid piece of shite remains undiminished. I’d managed to bury my hatred in the back of my mind, only to have it resurface on a beautiful day that deserved better. So I hereby nominate Humper the cunt, the composers, and indeed every cunt at Decca Records for foisting this coma-inducing bilge on the hapless public (also not forgetting the DJ who polluted the airwaves with it once more the other day).
‘Release Me’; the most boring song of all time. Unless of course cunters, you know better…

Nominated by Ron Knee

207 thoughts on “Incredibly Boring Songs”

    • I always regard Boheimian Rhapsody as the Faggot’s Aria, that moustachioed arsehole with his white silk trousers. He should have been in Dame Kweer’s shadow cabinet.

  2. As boring songs go, God Save The Queen is a dirge. Other national anthems are striking and uplifting, inspiring the country’s individuals and placing warmth in their hearts. Ours is a ploddy tune with lyrics suggsting the longevity of its monarch. Psh.

    • Totally agree. The French one is the best followed closely by the Italians. Don’t like to be outdone by Frogs and Wops but you have to hold your hands up.

      • The Frog anthem, alas, is lovely as is the marvellous Ruskie one, Freddie. The Krauts (the actual Krauts, not the EU gits) have a stirring one about superiority so their football team can become galvanised before kickoff. Even the Yanks have an inspiring one, though surely it’s not BLM enough and will be changed. “Bombs bursting in air…” maybe not…

    • One of the Pistols finest IMHO.
      Jones’ guitar just drives those ditty’s along in a glorious fashion but as for that other pile of walrus wank, yep, dirge is about right.
      Fuck them all.
      Hello,good morning and bollocks.

      • It should be our Official anthem. In years to come it could be sung before football matches, even by the imported players. Prince Harry, now back living in Blighty, could be belting it out with vigour trying to forget his ex, President Markle, now ensconced in the White House.

        “They made you a moron…”

    • The Japanese anthem is very moving. A couple of years ago it was played by a young lad on a saxophone at the start of the Suzuka 8 hour race and I was in tears by the time he finished.

  3. I rather like “Please release me”….it’s one of my karaoke staples. You wouldn’t be bored if you heard my rendition,I can promise you that,Ron.

      • Perhaps I should try “Albatross” instead of “Landslide”….nah,my stunned and amazed audience would never allow it.

      • I sung release me in a brothel once – cost me 50 but best kareoke i have paid for

    • I hope you remember the words Mr F because that’s what you’ll be singing when the commies come to get you. You raaaaay-sist!

      • I’ll be belting out “The Red Flag” with the best of them when they take over,Freddie….I’m nothing if not adaptable. I’ve even learned the words to “Mammy” just in case the Dark-keys get to my gates first….I’ll black up and give them the full version…if that doesn’t convince them that I sympathise with their struggle….nothing will.

      • I’d go for a bit of hip hop if I were you. They might be smart commies and realise you are taking the piss. Do you know any Stormzy?

      • I know every word of Stormzy’s hits…” N*G*E*R…N*G*R….cummooonideee…N*G*R,”…..there you go,his entire back-catalogue in one fell swoop.
        I’m “down wid da yoof”,Freddie

    • That ‘i will always love you’ shitty ballad from the Bodyguard film sung by crack monkey Whitney Houston,
      It makes me see red instantly,
      When I finally go on a spree its this song that pushed me to do it.
      Sugary sweet, over sung bollocks.

      • Too right Chas. Houston fucking tortures it to death. Horrible, along with her toncil-revealing facial grimaces that go with it.

  4. “The Only Way is Up” by some funny looking bird who’s name i’ve forgotten. Fucking hate that song. Hotel California…….that is really really boring. I don’t know where that hotel is ( Er….probably California) but I hope it fucking burns to the ground.

      • Lying Eyes by the Eagles is also shite, as is Labelled with Love by Squeeze. I like most of Squeeze’s other stuff though, especially Tempted.

  5. My other half has passionate hate of My Way and Strangers in the Night. If they ever release it as a double A side, I think she might kill herself.

    Personally, I’m fairly musically tolerant except when it comes to Tom Jones. I honestly can’t think of a single thing he ever recorded that I actually like.

    But as we used to say back in the sixties when I was in several blues bands and some cunt would request a Beatles song : “We don’t do Beatles songs. They never do any of ours”

    At the end of the day, it all comes down to personal taste. I don’t like Wagner, but I have to admit he had talent and his stuff was done well – which is more than you can say about Benjamin Britton whose sense of melody seemed to consist of banging two dustbin lids together.

    • Doreen Lawrence looks like Johnny Mathis.
      Delilah by Tom Jones is done much better by the sublime Sensational Alex Harvey band.👍

      • And have you noticed that Annalise Dodds is a dead ringer for Popeye’s girl friend…

      • So is New Zealands premier Jacinda Arden,

        “Im’a comin Olive! Gug,gug, gug…”

      • We’re murdering that this Christmas. Watch this space

        “All of this shit, because some cunt was born”

        Might have to tone that down a bit…

  7. Tainted love. Nothing else to say apart from nearly 40 years of teeth grating.

      • A northern soul standard Captain by Gloria Jones.
        She was the missus of glam rock star and bad driver of minis Marc Bolan.

      • When Marc Bolan died he was on the radio.
        And the steering wheel…
        And the dashboard…
        And the gear stick…
        And the clutch pedal…😀

  8. I can’t stand a certain song by Simply Red, but apparently Princess Diana was a big fan, and when that limo engine landed in her lap she really was Holding Back the Gears.

  9. Most tunes these days are shite.
    The Glitter band, Suzi Quattro and Alvin Starburst no how to play proper rock music.
    And don’t forget Elton.

    • Lad who works for said years ago he was walking down the road with his missus and some bloke asked him
      “Excuse me, do you know where theres any mens Boutiques?”
      Said it dawned on him as the bloke walked off it was Alvin Stardust!
      Coo ca choo…

  10. Mull of Kintyre. I reckon the first people he sang it to thought about all his previous successes and didn’t have the bottle to say ……”Paul, that is the most boring pile of shit i’ve ever heard.”
    A pity Yoko wasn’t there, she would have killed it stone dead.

    • That was Wings wasn’t it?

      I remember it as a kid on holiday in Weston Super Mare, in some crappy little caravan and it pissing down with rain for days on end. And yet Radio 1 couldn’t stop playing this depressing load of old wank.

      Talk about music to top yourself off with!

    • Mull of Kintyre, god, I hate that song with a passion!
      It’s only saving grace, it was used extensively in Abu Ghraib, after 48 hours at 33 1/3 they’re singing like birds!

      • Macca did produce some shite post Beatles.
        Mind you, he produced some shite latterly while still in The Beatles.
        How could we ever forget such classics as ‘Why Don’t We Do It In The Road’, ‘Wild Honey Pie’, and ‘Rocky Racoon’? If only we COULD forget…

    • That utter crap ‘Dance Tonight’ he shat out a while ago was praised as ‘a work of genius’ by numerous sycophantic DJs on commerical stations.

      Must have taken all of 5 minutes to write. Same level of plinky plonk folky nursery rhyme as George Ezra produces.

      Lazy old kaaahhhnnt.

  11. Baker street, candle in the fucking wind and anything by Celine Dion.

    All of these are played to death and make me want to dropkick the wireless out the window.

  12. Anything on one of those ‘best of’ type albums they use to bulk it out.
    Buy something like ‘Rock anthems’ and you always end up with something from Neil Sedaka or that shitfest UB40.

    • Hate that red,red wine,
      Hate UB40.
      Utter shite.
      Yeah hidden away, a little snidey one on a compilation,ggrrr.

      • Murdered a decent Neil Diamond song.

        Mind you, Diamond wrote some shit for the Monkees. Now there was a band – not.

  14. Paul McCartney made a lot of shite after The Beatles but Mull Of Kintyre has got to be the most boring depressing dirge ever made with Frog Song a Close second.

    • The frog song should be Frances national anthem.
      Kraftwerks ‘autobahn’ Germany’s.
      Ours should be something nautical and rousing, “friggin in the riggin’ the sex pistols?
      But ‘Greensleeves’ makes me think of Englands green and pleasant lands, especially as icecream van chimes,
      Awfully nice.

      • Great nom for our national Anthem, that makes me smile. Nothing finer for our (not for much fucking longer) island race.

      • Always thought the theme from the Archers would be a great national anthem.

        Mind you, we never sing the second verse which is basically all about fucking the french

        “O lord God arise,
        Scatter our enemies,
        And make them fall!
        Confound their knavish tricks,
        Confuse their politics,
        On you our hopes we fix,
        God save the Queen!”

      • “…Frigging in the rigging
        cos there’s fuck-all else to do…”

        Has many good qualities for an anthem. Good tune, tells a story, easy to remember, fun to belt out with yer mates, historically accurate. Beats the incumbent anthem and many wannabes

  15. Every single Father’s Day or “driving “album has fucking under pressure by Bowie and mercury as the first song. Beebeebabadoe, Deedoodadep!
    Ride on time is another fucking rampaging down the high street with a 50 caliber song.

  16. Hey Fucking Jude has to be the worst fairly modern song – La La, La, La,La,La, La, La, Laa hey Jude…La,la, la zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

  17. I nominate every single tune bummed out by the tinpot spare room ‘producers’ in the last 15 years.
    Load of bollocks.

  18. Any fucking song by any egg and spoon at any time ever in history. All fucking bollocks.

    These days it’s normally about ho’s, money, bludz, crack, da fried chiggun, water melons and guns. If whitney tried that shit it’d be banned pretty sharpish. Fucking cunts!

  20. John Lennon and Yoko Cunto – “Imagine”

    Yes, quite often i have imagined these cunts ending up with their feet in concrete and dumped in the English Channel.

  21. “The Living Years” by Mike and the Mechanics. Sheer fucking torture…

    “Only you” by Alison Moyet.

    The Power of Love by Jennifer Rush. Bleurgh!!

    Anything by Adam and the fucking Ants. Please kill me now… 😝

    • That double drumming thing that Adam and the Ants did was great!!

      • BLM want all Ants and Bow Wow Wow music banned for culturally appropriating African drumming.

      • McLaren was fucking the singer of Bow Wow Wow when she was 15-dirty cunt.
        Pop fact-Boy George applied to Be the singer-would probably have got the gig if he had kept his knickers on😂

    • Oh dear God, ‘The Living Years’ and ‘Only You’ get endless airplay on radios at work.

      Tiresome shite.

    • Jennifer Rush- a great pair of leather clad nut cracker thighs I seem to recall.

  23. Anything crooned by Danglebert Pimpledick immediately has the soul ripped out of it. Release Me is the perfect storm of shite song with even shiter singer.

    My current vote is one I heard twice on holiday last year. Don’t know who it is but it consists of a weedy voice endlessly croaking ‘I lurve your Baddy’ It might be an obscurity but for me to catch it twice probably means it’s a modern classic.

  24. I think a lot of fellow cunters are confusing “boring” with “overplayed”.

    Leonard Cohen – Suzanne

    Even typing that sends me to sl….. zzzzz

    • Agreed and seconded.
      Forgot that cunt,
      Leonard Cohen, the boring twat.

      • Apologies.

        Lets go with that father and son dirge.

        It doesn’t even fucking rhyme for the most part.

    • Damn. I’d mercifully forgotten about Cohen the overhyped cure for insomnia.

      • I did like “everybody knows” by Cohen. Very apt today as it was back then.

      • “ Everybody knows that you love me baby
        Everybody knows that you really do
        Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
        Oh, give or take a night or two
        Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
        But there were so many people you just had to meet
        Without your clothes
        Everybody knows”

      • Hallelujah!

        Originally
        A song of joy,
        In a hymn of praise.

        Leonard Cohen’s dirge
        These miserable days.

  25. Biko by Peter Gabriel
    Stairway To Heaven (apart from the last 2 minutes 25 seconds)
    All By Myself
    My Way
    Amazing Grace
    Star-Spangled Banner (apart from Hendrix’s Woodstock version which is the most exciting song ever)
    Hallelujah
    Hey Jude (especially the last 5 minutes)
    Joey by Bob Dylan
    We Are The Champions
    Anything by James Taylor…

  26. SLIGHTLY OFF TOPIC, BUT……….
    I’ve just finished a heavy rock album and am searching for a title. I considered Rockdown but some cunt already grabbed the name.

    Any suggestions (serious ones please)?

  27. Anything by those Gays Take That.
    Fucking hell utter mindless pish.
    Take a right uppercut and fuck off.
    Cunts!

  28. Whilst working we used to had silly competitions. One was the most inappropriate song/singer combination. The winner was ’I thought I saw a pussy cat a creeping up on me’ sung by The Red Army Choir.

    • Nay, Nay and Fffffthrice Nay!!!!

      Go and eat a vegan meal, run 10 miles then lock yourself in a darkened room, reading Yeats whilst masturbating frantically.

      😂

  30. I hate anything by Leonard Cohen. The number of hours I spent listening to his crap whilst trying to get my leg over some girl during my university years…..

      • At Durham in the early 70s it seemed de rigeur for every girl to have a Boots stereo from which Cohen would drone. The chance of getting one’s end away had to be balanced with at least two hours of’That’s no way to say goodbye’ etc before success. It is a wonder that I didn’t embrace the gayness.

      • It was fucking Cat Stevens for me. Before he became Ali Baba or whatever. The cunt.

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