The sun is out, the birds are singing, my eyes are itchy and my nose is constantly blocked. Yes, it’s hayfever season again – that time of year when sufferers like me have our eyes and noses assailed by merciless pollen. The unrelenting itchiness, the sore nose, the perennial discomfort and inability to breathe out of the nostrils – the pollen inflicts all these things and more with reckless abandon, sneaking up on you like a trojan horse primed and ready to attack. Truly, if God does exist then he must be one sadistic motherfucker to have invented hayfever

Nominated by General Tso’s Chiggun.

31 thoughts on “Hayfever

  1. An elderly relative of mine suffered dreadfully from hayfever so you do,of course,have my sympathy GTC.

    Luckily an old Yokel told her of an ancient country remedy which cured the problem overnight and I am happy to share… he told her to wear one of those old brass diving-helmets that have a porthole in the front and get a friend to constantly pump fresh filtered air through a long hose into the helmet…Cured her a treat,it did…never another word about hayfever out of her..well if there was at least we couldn’t hear it due to the muffling abilities of her brass pollution-protector. Unfortunately the cure could not be licensed as a hayfever remedy due to the fact that the trial run was cut short when I inadvertently stood on her oxygen hose and an 86 year old women can’t seem to last the 12 minutes without oxygen that it took for me to realise my faux-pas.

    Still,it all worked out OK..I inherited her money and vast lands and she never complained of hayhever again,so all’s well that ends well.isn’t it ?

    As ever,glad to help.

    PS…may also work as a ChinkyFlu remedy….I’ll get on to Boris and see if I can flog him 5 million brass- helmets…..daft Cunt’ll probably snap them up.

    • Thank you Dr Dick, now over to Carole for the weather. When we return Naga will try Dr Dicks remedy. We’re all looking forward to that.

      Heard in the back ground.

      “Just get your head in the helmet Machete you cunt.”

      • Machete’s stoopid haircut makes her look like she is constantly wearing a helmet with large handles either side.

      • Munchetty has lovely skin, a slim body and makes the best of herself.
        But still strangely unfuckable. Mainly due to her being a childish big headed arrogant humourless cunt i suspect.
        And a BBC box tick employee.
        As for hay fever, beconase nose inhaler and opticrom eye drops work for me.

      • Nagha Munchingspaggetti reminds me of Halle Berry’s uglier sister. That Lego hair does her no favours either. Plus she’s a bit of a cunt.

      • Naga Munchausen is a titless, Mowgli-looking twat devoid of charisma or chemistry with her co-presenters.

        I wish Kaa had fucking eaten her when she was younger.

    • 12 minutes Dick? The old dear was very tenacious. Recent research from Minnesota shows that it only requires 9 minutes of oxygen deprivation before life expires. Similar evidence is coming out of France as well….

    • Sir Fiddler, this is the funniest post I’ve ever seen on here. You’ve made my day. Wife wants to know why I keep laughing. Thank you. Enjoy the weather everyone.

  2. Yep, Hayfever is a sadistic, summer spoiler of a cunt. I used to suffer from this myself and dread the approach of June (no, not some Harridan battleaxe… the month) Then, aged 19, I awaited the usual dabilitating symptoms that summer, and to my surprise the dreaded disease failed to strike me down! Was I cured? Well not entirely as I had a few minor irritations such as itchy eyes on a couple of days, but I was largely relieved of the cunt, and now only experience the odd ‘twinge’ from it as it were.

    Don’t give up on Cuntfever not bothering to darken your door again General Tso, it’s an auto-immune defect that could right itself if you get lucky like myself. Apparently, your body’s immune system overreacts to the presence of minute airborn pollen particles as if it has to fight a major invader which causes all the stuff like bloodshot eyes, tightening of the nasal passages etc.

    Anyway, the sun has got his hat on, hip, hip hooray, maybe next year, your hayfever will go away😊

    • I was the other way round and didn’t get it until I was in my 30’s although it’s more of a nuisance than any sort of debilitating condition.

      • I started to get it my 30s too. Being pretty thick it took me several years to realise that it was hay fever.

    • Mine got better for about 4 or 5 years or so but it has really returned with a vengeance this year.

  3. Years ago an alternative health therapist was on LBC Radio giving advice every week, and in spring or summer he was always recommending people to sniff beetroot juice up their noses as a remedy for hay fever. I don’t know if it worked, but handkerchiefs must have become very colourful.

  4. An interesting fact was shown to me yesterday about pollen.
    Each strand of pollen is the same shape as the deathstar off the starwars films.
    Hayfever season for me lasts just over a month.

    • It’s incredible how many forms in nature – animal, vegetable, mineral – look like cocks and fannies. The natural world certainly knows what it’s all about.

  5. ‘Tis a cunt indeed, but fortunately only attacks me in the form of sniffles and sneezes. Thank goodness I’m not a teenager living at home any more, so as my parents do not have to suspect excessive ‘down below’ manipulation.

  6. Hay fever? Take up smoking – cigars are best. In all seriousness, it works! Far better than popping antihistamines, which turn you into a zombie for the summer. No need to thank me.

    • I used to take one tablet which made me so tired that I was in bed by lunchtime for a 2-3 hour sleep. The only thing I use now is some eye drops in the morning and, occasionally, in the afternoon.

    • I take something called Ceterizine Hydrochloride which seems to work pretty well with no side effects. Tried antihistamines like Piriteze et al when I was a child and they were fucking useless

  7. Hayfever?
    All in the mind afraid General.
    You believe you have it so suffer the symptoms.
    I suggest you convince yourself otherwise.
    Throw all your anti hystimen nonsense away go into the nearest field (if your a ‘city type’ a garden centre will substitute) and throw yourself into the fauna!!
    Try and disturb the pollen and breathe it deeply into your sinus cavities, see?
    Power of the mind old bean.
    Cured now.

    • When the whites of your eyes swell and resemble jelly, when your face puffs up and resembles that of an oriental, when you skin is so itchy you writhe, when snot literally drips from your nose and when your sneezing threatens to slip a disc (as mine once did), tell yourself “it’s all in my mind”….

    • …which was a reply to WC Boggs’ beetroot comment. Not random golden showers porn.

  8. It’s a twat of a condition, another reason I hate summer (and love it when people tell me I’m wrong not to love the default favourite season of the thick).
    I’m on some prescription steroid spray now which seems to do the job, have a word with your GP.
    NB If you live in a vibrant area by the time you get an appointment it will be winter, job done.

  9. Commiserations, General. Hayfever is indeed a cunt deserving of a full on cunting. Not a sufferer myself thank fuck, but have a couple of friends who suffer miserably as a result of it. One says it makes it makes him feel more miserable than piles; the poor cunt’s doubly afflicted.

    • Agreed Ron, same here but I can sympathize with dreading the summertime when we get enough shit weather the rest of the year. Is there any research on whether BAME communities are disproportionately affected by Hayfever? Watch this space.

      • Well, having nostrils the size of The Saltash Tunnel certainly won’t help our tyre swinging friends keep pollen at bay, the fucking schwartz cunts.

    • Don’t remind me of my Nuremberg Trials Ron. Really struggling with the fuckers lately. Every wipe of my arse looks like the Japanese flag. They even wake me up in the middle of the night. I pity the fuckers who have to go into hospital with them, hanging down like a bunch of grapes.

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