Chinky flu haircuts

Corona cuts
The media seems to be alive with reports of “guerrilla hairdressers”. They come under cover darkness by appointment, do your hair and sneak out under the cover of darkness.
Living next to a nature reserve I get to see a lot of illicit meetings, the druggies going over to score or use, the alkies going for a quick drink and young girls going to meet men friends.
Obviously this drew my attention ( as a concerned citizen). I noticed that they travel in twos and do each others hair, sometimes with interesting results.
Today I was subjected to my first corona cut, how long has it been 3 months?
Well I have a beard trimmer, don’t use it much and somehow in the last move it became separated from its charging cable, at this point I imagine that you are rightly thinking “Cunt you brought it on yourself” but no I bought a new one from Amazon, so charging it up over night I let Mrs B loose.
Fucking big mistake I will tell you, I am not sure what happened but she is not very hands on; more “Tony and guy” with the clippers and they fucking ran out of charge! leaving me looking like an extra from “Braveheart” I was not impressed, not only did I have half a hair cut but after 3 months of lock down I had an appointment at the vets to have the dog’s anal glands squeezed (my life is great isn’t it)
So I had half a hair cut and had to go out!
Was not a happy bunny, The Amazon charger did not work and I ended up taking the house apart trying to find the original charger, which eventually I did in a box of defunct phones and phone chargers.
I have had a truly cunty day, and I had to open the door to a delivery man who kept a straight face.

Nominated by lord benny

56 thoughts on “Chinky flu haircuts

  1. Sorry to hear that Benny. I’m almost completely bald so can only laugh a stories of bad haircuts. Hopefully you’ve been able to correct it.

  2. Perhaps you could have hidden your embarrassment by telling everyone that you’d got the two things mixed up and you’d actually meant to get the dog clipped after having your anal glands squeezed ?

    Glad to help,Lord B.

    Morning All.

    • I really shouldn’t eat breakfast (scrambled eggs, bacon and baked beans) while reading that!

    • I was tempted to ask if I could borrow the vet’s one.
      Fucking shit day that was.

  3. Can’t wait for the barber to reopen.

    Buzzing your own bonce with clippers isn’t the same as having the saucy Russian bird intentionally rest a tit on your shoulder as she leans over.

    • I keep seeing people where you can tell theyve had a proper haircut by a barber?
      Dark barbery? Flaunting lockdown rules?
      Theyre normally self employed, itchy scissor fingers, ‘born to cut’, yes,
      Black market hairdressers.
      Bet Dominic Cummings has had a haircut?
      He hates rules,lockdown,
      Well a quick polish with a buffer anyway…😁

      • No hair spray for him. Just Mr.Sheen.
        Morning MNC.
        Morning all.

      • Morning Jack
        Morning all
        Im a big fan of Donnie Tangos hair style, shows that with some elaborate combing you can still look like a young Robert Redford when your in your senior years.
        Looks like butter doesnt it?
        Awfully nice.

      • A Lurpak teddyboy.
        Boris is good too!
        Freshly threshed wheatfield.

      • My trusty clippers give reliable results, Chinky virus or no Chinky virus.
        I wonder if Lord Benny has a stylish hat ? 😀

      • I like to think he wears a beret a la Frank Spencer.
        Im good with the Wahl clippers now, any haircut you want long as its freshly peeled spud.👍

      • MP Michael Fabricant’s barnet is a work of art, if its real that is. Its like a Rick Parfitt/Donald Trump tribute.

      • Morning LL,
        Mr Fabric conditioner is a piece of work an no mistake isnt he?
        Think its a syrup but hes dead touchy about it!
        Hes the type who gets into scandals, bet hes into all sorts of deviancy?
        Send him down’ t pit.

      • Morning Miserable, I think he is one of ‘The Gays’ but I don’t hear very much about him so any debauched activities on public commons at 3.00am are kept firmly under his wig.

    • Sounds as though you have the same hairdresser as me Odin –
      Lana Letsavitov

      • This one is called Lucy, Bertie.

        Mid 40’s, natural blonde and with a rack you would quite happily soffocate in.

        She even rubs her minge against my elbow on a good day.

  4. My missus has been going to her hairdressers house every month since April – CUNT! Oh, on my insistence – not being seen with a grey haired woman!

    My hair is far right shaved grade one.

    My boys, due to the barbers being closed, have now adopted a similar style due to me offering to “trim” their thatches.

    Good cunting Benny!

    • Morning Daz
      My lad when little was as blonde as you can be without being translucent.
      Proper Aryan.
      Missus shaved his head, but he looked like one of those charity appeals for leukemia.
      Didnt suit him.
      Them he grew it longer,
      But looked like a sheepskin rug on his head.
      Ive got a 7inch centre parting.

      • Morning MNC
        20 stone six foot 10 with a 7 inch centre parting….fucking hell Hagrid …Bet you stand out like a sore thumb…I was gonna ask if you fancied an armed robbery in July but i think we’ll all cop it with you in the front of the mini!

      • @ MNC….
        ” dont get asked to stand in police line ups!”…….Oh I bet you do really… probably feature on a few of those Police sketch posters too.

        I bet Nick Ross knows your face, if not your name, from the old “Crimewatch” appeals

  5. My missus did a spiffing job on my hair – Stan Laurel eat yer heart out!

      • Funny you should mention that Daz. I actually own two bowlers, one of which I wore during the late ’60s in homage to Frank Zappa when he visited London in 1967. He probably wore a bowler thinking he would blend in with the natives better, nothing to do with taking the piss obviously. 😂

        @ Lord Benny – if you’d like to rent a bowler I can offer one at mates rates.

      • I used to have one, but it made my ears stick out, I however have a very dashing wide brimmed tropical hat that makes me look like a south american war criminal (Boys from Brazil type) and a veld hat (South African cowboy hat), and a very anti social dog walking woolly hat with a built in headlight!
        So I am all hatted up I am affraid.

  6. Mrs missus gives me a regular hair-job with the clippers, and always does a good job (apart from the first time she used the clippers and forgot she had removed the 7mm guide comb, and left me with a bald strip over my right ear!)

    • I was momentarily aroused as i thought it read ‘hand-job’ forgive me for not reading the rest of your post…

  7. Well thanks to the lockdown I have gathered the courage to take a straight razor to my head.
    I can now save myself seven bucks a fortnight.
    Barbers? They can all get to fuck.
    But yes, there are a couple of men in the family who’s wives have massacred their hair to the point it can be clearly seen on the family video chats. Obviously women can’t cut hair.
    Morning all.

    • I keep telling you lads go the route of a home perm kit.
      Im a big fan of the Bobby Ball look on others.

      • LLs had one and it really suits him!
        Just a mustache away from a role on Brookside!

  8. I’ve been cunting my own hair for twenty five years, must’ve saved a fortune! Started greying at 17 though, always looked older than my years. Went through the silver phase at thirty and I’m completely white at forty now. It looks like it should’ve retired years ago. I get called Ted Danson if I leave it too long for a trim!

    • Not got liver spots at 30 have you Insignificunt?
      It might be Clive Dunn Syndrome!
      Can be treated nowadays, prescription werthers original for rest of your days!☺

      • Not yet MNC! Go old early, avoid the rush I always say!! Actually, just off to see my dad in Bath. Almost exactly thirty years older than me and the spitting image. I think I’d do well to be as fit and healthy as him at his age. He still walks 9 miles a day, croist! 35 years in the Navy I reckon was the secret 😉

  9. This is the first time in my life that I actually wished I was bald. I have a good pal that went bald in his mid twenties and made up his mind about fifteen years ago he wasn’t going to spend money having a haircut with a hole in it, so he bought a good set of hair clippers and starting with high setting, gradually trimmed off all his hair side and back. It took a long time, but continually going over and over the unwanted hair and adjusting the setting until he reached Number 1 did the trick. Now obviously if you’ve got a full head of hair like me you probably don’t want to suddenly look like a tennis ball, and also spending a fortune on hair clippers you will only use once is a cunty waste of money for most people. Certain hair clippers like my friends one can be used to trim your beard apparently, but beard trimmers are no good for head hair as the blades are not suitable.

    Oh well, I’m sure your wife meant well when she tried to sort your hair Lord B and it won’t be long before your hair grows back. There’s a comb/cutter I’ve seen advertised where it takes hair off has you comb. Looks good on the ad so I might order one myself if this Corona shit goes on much longer haha!

  10. As I am Follicly challenged. I know longer have to concern myself with a visit to the Barber. I purchased a DIY hair trimmer off Amazon , set it to number 2 all over job done.
    I still tell the ladies that my condition is a sign of virility and I have a cock that would make there eyes water but sadly I get no takers.☹️

  11. The missis has threatened to cut mine. No chance. Haven’t had it this long in 45 years and I look a right handsome cunt, if Wurzel Gummidge is the benchmark.

  12. In Brighton we have Barber Trevor Sorbie who cuts hair for the rich famous and fucking gullible.
    Last I heard if you walk in to his salon you will get bumped £100 pound for a trim.
    What kind of cunt pays that for some Teasy Weasy to cut your hair ?

    • Women will never be equal to men until they too can walk down the street bald and still think they’re gorgeous……

    • I know, I did his air con, and his london place. I also did Tony and Guy and Headmasters.
      I learnt to dye hair there, and used to do my Mrs’s roots! amazing what you can learn up a ladder in the ceiling.

      Heard a lot of funny storeys crawling around in their ceiling.
      (Trevor does a lot for Breast cancer charities, so he is ok by me)

  13. Insignificunt, I have cut and received many a crew cut, the reason the clippers ran out of charge was she was fucking about, instead of just getting in there she spent a good 15mins fucking about!
    When I found the cable and charged it I butchered it and let her finish off any antena that were left.

  14. Being a bald cunt I’ve just shaved my head weekly. Being a bald cunt is now on the list of things that make you more likely to have severe Covid symptoms. Do bald lives matter?

    Fuck me, the worlds a mess right now. The other day I found myself thinking the worlds changing faster than I can process. I’m obviously an old bald cunt.

  15. I should of added that there seems to be a degree of profiteering on the trimmer market. When I could not find the charging cable for my £20 trimmer I thought to purchase another one (same model same type) Fucking £50! so that is £30 up!
    Also a top tip! do not under any circumstances use the nose hair trimmer.
    I like value for money same as the next bloke, but fuck when they start to grow back it itches like fuck! a feeling I can only compare to snorting CS (another irritant, but in this case used for crowd control) pellets.

  16. Be a man and use clippers.

    I,m bald on top so it pays to keep my hair as short as possible without shaving it completely.

  17. I’m beginning to look like I did when I was twenty. Can’t get a cut, can’t buy a decent pair of clippers. All these inconveniences caused by the Chinese, the dirty disease-spreading bastards. I could kill every one of them. Anyone else feel the same way? I want to start a CHINK LIVES DON’T MATTER protest movement.

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