Online Shopping

In these trying times most of us have started online shopping in the hope of receiving a home delivery of much needed items.

I have left the logistics of this in the capable hands of MRS B as she has updated our delivery slot every night for the past two weeks.

I have left this in her hands due to our dietary differences, I am quite happy to chow down on hard tack and beer for months on end without a lettuce leaf in site.

Any way I must admit that i had been a little concerned when she started to mention the cost of said shop (almost 4 times our normal weekly shop) and I was getting a little nervous each time a Chinook flew close fearing that it may be our delivery.

Well I was not fucking wrong was I, like all of you I have a fridge freezer (not to be confused with a tardis) and when the knock on the door came even I was surprised at the volume of food piled up on the door step by the poor delivery bloke.

One of the first things to cross my mind was how the fuck are we going to store that lot, remember veg is low cost and high bulk and we could now very easily open our own street stall with the amount of veg we have should we want too.

The next problem was where to put the stuff, repurposing the hall way cupboard as a root veg cellar and piling dry goods on top of cupboards (at the same time examining some of the old stuff, Pineapple chunks, an impulse buy from a few years a go that have probably followed us through 3 house moves).

To be honest the flat looks like Del Trotter’s place I have no idea what to do.

Fuck on line shopping.

Nominated by Lord Benny

64 thoughts on “Online Shopping

  1. One Chrustmas I ordered online shopping from Tesco. There was one order of food for the house and one delivery on 12 x Champagne for customers. It all arrived together and I signed for the order. The next day Tesco called and asked if I had the Champagne…..”did I sign for the Champagne?” I asked……they didn’t have a signature so the dropped 12 more bottles off….CUNTS!!! Moral is – let the men take care of shit!

    • Nice one Daz. I had a similar situation with the wine club I’m in. Dopey cunts use Yodel as their delivery of choice. Twice in the space of two months they left the delivery in my garage as requested but then failed to forward the paperwork onwards . I received two phone calls to apologise for losing my order of 12 bottles along with 24 replacements for the 24 I already had. Good times. Obviously I rang them to inform them of their mistake.*

      * might not be entirely the truth.

  2. Online shopping is fucking awesome in its place. Buying electronics for example. I do my research, identify the item I want and find the best price……done.

    No spotty oike trying to persuade me to buy the outdated stock they are stuck with.

  3. Possessing no means of private transport, we here at Creampuff Manor have benefited immensely from online shopping. Been doing it for years. Only stuff we don’t have delivered is fresh food. E.g. fruit, vegetables, meat, perishables etc. Oh, and the ‘What’s On TV’ guide.

    I will not have a word said against it!

  4. Happy Easter Lord Benny,
    You have done bloody well to get a delivery slot from any of the main supermarkets. You could see what was going to happen so I had a couple of deliveries in from Ocado in February, I thought get my name on the list. Mrs. Wanksock is on the endangered species list so we are taking the lockdown seriously. I thought no problems getting a delivery but no chance. The same with Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Iceland (who advertises a next day delivery ) there just aren’t any slots available. We found a local online grocery and they will deliver but it is about twice the price of even Waitrose.
    Yesterday morning I woke up at 3 o’clock and managed to find a click and collect slot so I have booked that but bought about 3 times as much as we need so I am going to have to ask Professor Fuck where we are going to store it.

    • The mrs is running her computer like mission control, she has a number of identical lists lodged with a few vendors as soon as a slot becomes available she hits the go button and cancels the others down.

  5. Don’t bother with online shopping, going once a week to the supermarket.

    Have switched to Morrisons for the last few visits as recently expanded/refurbished and have everything that we needed to get.

    My eldest daughter died an Asda shop whenever she can get a slot and they only deliver about half the stuff.

    • I do all my grocery shopping at Aldi Willie. And the odd chainsaw etc. The one nearest us is bang on. Everything in stock , max of 50 in the shop at any time. Bouncer on the door ( a real one) . All he does is have a chat and guide people in. Thoroughly nice bloke. Longest I’ve had to wait is 20 mins to get in , though normally there’s no queue.
      To be honest it’s even easier and more convenient than normal times.

      • Try posting ‘Boris has now left hospital.’ No-one’s posted that yet.

      • In a statement, Tim’s agent said: “It is with great sadness that we announce Tim’s death early today from Covid-19.”

    • Bertie normally has all 3 of the Goodies in Deadpool.
      Ironically he was calling for it to be cancelled the other day!

      • He didn’t have them in this time Miserable. Bertie must be kicking himself!

      • Too fuckin’ right. It’s like forgetting to buy a lottery ticket!

      • Never mind Bertie, still Graeme and Bill left, and Tim had seen them recently to catch up!

      • Oh! Goody, Goody, Yum, Yum!
        It’s no good Miserable- I’m a bad loser!

    • The world is a less happy place without him. Stirling Moss as well (but not CV). I feel a new Dead Pool coming on.

    • And I think I might try getting some ale delivered as well.
      But not from them cunts at Tesco.

      • Occasionally we do a online shop, but prefer to do it myself, dont like their idea of a ‘substitute’
        If havent got the item in stock.
        Order 8 bottles of bitter get a bag of winegums,
        No oven ready chicken get a packet of chicken flavour crisps.
        Normally use Asda or Sainsbury’s not those cunts at Tesco though.

      • I forgot to do that once and ended up with Wayne Rooney on the doorstep.

      • I wouldn’t know Rtc, missus does that.
        Im not fucking about on computers to do shopping!
        Im not fuckin Bill Gates or some egghead nerd!!😒

      • Sounds like your missus could do with a kick in the cunt Miserable. 😮

        Nighty night now, sweet dreams. 🙂

      • Why not Tesco ? I’ll bet you could have ordered a new computer & had next day delivery……
        ….It’s a steak & kidney pie you have to wait 6 weeks for.

        Who’d have thought that online food shopping would have gone down the same road as Doctors appointments…
        ..I always had to book a GP appointment 4 weeks in advance ; because that’s exactly the way illness works isn’t it ? Plan on having Migraines a month in advance.

        I’m now planning on fancying Bangers & Mash in mid May 😉

  6. Tim Brooke-Taylor was involved in the long running Wireless 4 show I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Script. I wonder if the BBC will now hav the guts to cancel that show and Just A Minute. Because of their longevity, so many original cast have died that it seems pointless to keep them going.

    • I stopped listening to them both over 10 years ago. The format became so monotonous.

      • Totally agree RTC. That’s Wireless 4’s big problem – they are saddled with so many “legacy” shows – Any Questions. Archers , Now Show, News Quiz – the latter especially, that they are scared of change till it is forced on them.

      • The only Radio4 I listen to nowadays Mr B is The Today Programme for 30 minutes in the morning when the radio/alarm clock comes on at 6.30.

        And Any Questions /Answers, though getting pretty tired of that now.

        Since we got digital radio have found LBC a far better place to be, despite the incredibly tedious adverts.

      • Only R4 program I listen to is the shipping forecast as I was brainwashed by a cunt of a father to listen to it! “Where is Fitzroy Dad?”…..”Fucking shut it! I’m listening, this is important shit here!” The prick worked in a scrap yard. Nearest water was the Huddersfield Narrow Canal….

      • My dad liked listening to ‘Sailing By’. Yikes! Christ on a fucking surfboard!

        Do they still play that abomination?

        The only thing that used to make me reach for the off button as quick was that dirge the National Anthem. Usually played to mark some royal parasite’s birthday.

      • Don’t think I’ve listened to R4 in 30 years, used to love Week Ending on a Friday night back in the 80’s

      • I liked Start The Week when Kenneth Robinson was on and Richard Baker hosted.

  7. Hello all. 🙂

    I don’t order food deliveries online as I go to the shops to buy it. But I do order other things.
    Secondhand books mostly.
    Sometimes secondhand DVDs as well.
    I’m not too fussed about the quality as I just want to read them not collect them. Some books I’ve kept though.

    I love to read books. I do borrow books from the library which I return afterwards. I also donate books I’ve bought online to the library.

    I shop anywhere if it’s near to me.

    Charity shops I sometimes shop there. The odd gem can be found. Sometimes they can be as expensive as normal shops though.

    Online shopping does have its uses but it can sometimes be easy, for me at least, to give into temptation. “Ooh it’s only £1 I’ll have that”. “I don’t need it but I do want it.” I think boredom might be a factor.

  8. It’s not the online shopping that’s the cunt, think it’s more down to people going over the top when they go online to shop.
    This is what happens when you let them women off the chain from the sink you’re no reaping what you sowed. mwaaaaaaaah

  9. The worst thing about it is spending half an hour choosing everything then the fucking website crashing because too many cunts are trying to use it at the same time.

    It makes you realise that we have too many cunts living in this country. Too many of the cunts breed like rabbits in places like London, Bradford and Birmingham, causing overcrowding in their free housing.

    Obviously, it’s my fault as a white male, for this causing them to be more likely to get bat flu.

    Perhaps we should all sell everything we own, so each of their 22 family members, crowded into their house, can all have a house each? And let’s prioritise deliveries for them (you watch…that one us coming!)

    They only other alternative is to sterilise the cunts to stop them overcrowding themselves. Can’t see the politicians agreeing to that.

    Or, they could stop having 10 kids on taxpayer handouts. Maybe stop going to the local ‘communidee centre’ everyday? Or meeting up ‘wid da posse’ to smoke their 10th spliff of the morning?

    Nah…they’ll just blame whitey. It’s easier that way.

  10. At work some suppliers have minimum order levels and I recall ordering in some red diesel for a customer, my outlet was in a residential area so I have a massive cap on flammables in the building.
    Any way computer kept on saying no so I was pressing the add button whilst fielding a call from a customer, computer said yes, I pressed the send button and forgot all about it.
    A couple of days later I got a call from a driver asking if I had a forklift? fucking odd question that, NO.
    next thing I knew a lorry turned up with 480 liters of red diesel (around 460L over my legal holding capacity) I booked it into stock and………..
    The phone rang, it was the area manager “benny, just been looking at stock holdings and the system has gone to shit, it says you have 480L of diesel there”.
    Well I got that shifted to all the satellites and vowed never to order red diesel in again for any one.
    However last year a friend of mine did better, he had 1 of 2 articulated lorry’s from Dulux turn up at his depot, that was a fucking lot of paint.
    So mine falls into insignificance.

  11. well breaking news, If you are in Hampshire and are wondering where the police are, they seem to be upstairs from me.
    Again my nice little unemployed neighbor was having his door kicked in and this time the police turned up in time (so to speak) Neighbour is alive and six officers carried out the assailant (legs strapped) .

  12. Fuck me.

    Stirling Moss, Tim Brooke-Taylor and just now Peter “The Cat” Bonetti all die on the same day.

    • I know, Willie. I’ve been dreading the passing of someone who I REALLY liked due to this bastard virus. As a kid I was glued to the telly when The Goodies were on. Loved it!

      Hope you’re doing OK, mate. How’s the allotment?

  13. Well, I understand why I am not suited to UK Police work, they spent a lot of time, telling him to calm down, asked him nicely to stop trying to bite them.
    I think I would have just kicked the shit out of him and dragged him down the stairs by his foot, that would teach the little cunt.
    I expect he will be out by tomorrow.

    This sort of thing happen where you live or is it just me?

  14. I ordered some keys on Ebay – got some replacement parts for a piano!
    F*cking online Chopin..

  15. Don’t do an online shop with Wickes. They send the wrong thing or its damaged, especially when it involves timber.

    Maybe its a conspiracy. Do they have a multi-billionaire behind Wickes who dislikes efficiency and prefers to play a game of send the wrong or damaged thing to consumers? Maybe David Icke knows a thing or two about it.

  16. Who would have thought that this fucking virus would have caused Tim Brooke-Taylor (The Goodies, Mr Yates in Me And My Girl) to cark it before Bill Oddie? I mean all that bird-watching, coming into contact with bird poo and bi-polar depression takes it toll you know.

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