Not touching your face

What a cunt this is. Thanks again, China. I’m scared of my own fucking skin now.

Yes, I find not touching my face almost impossible. I get ‘sleep’ (eye bogies) in my eyes. Proper crusty irritating ones. Especially when I wake up, but they can grow during the day. I get an itchy nose, cheek or forehead quite often. I’m not riddled with scabies I just get little itches.

Yes, thanks again China, I have to run away from my own fucking face now or wash my hands frantically every time I forget the ‘rules’ and scratch my conk. Does it affect your nob in the same way?

Asking for a friend.

Nominated by Cuntybollocks

84 thoughts on “Not touching your face

  1. Well at least they haven’t banned wanking yet, otherwise I may as well top myself now!

    • I read that spanking the monkey increases white blood cells which can boost your immune system.

      Therefore, when the ambulance arrives, make sure that you’re bashing away like a home alone 14 year-old, who’s just found his dad’s grumble magazine collection.

      Keep it up on the ward too, for ‘medical reasons’ of course. Perhaps look out for a sexy nurse and ask her to pose at your bedside, flashing her tits and arse to provide stimulation.

      Purely as a medical emergency, of course.

    • Good to see Porn Hub is running that “Now wash your hands” advert instead of some skinny tart dildoing herself while you wait 5 seconds to skip to your fetish of choice though…

      A friend tells me anyway… I wouldn’t know myself.

  2. I’m not sure about this nom. I think I’ll have to have a long hard think about it. Let me just go away and scratch my beard while I think about a reply.

  3. Will I have to stop sucking my own cock now ? It’s taken me most my life to become a contortionist and now this simple pleasure has been taken away from me .
    Oh woe is me 😭

    • Ive not seen or felt my face properly in years and youd need a hedgecutter just to reach the surface.
      Just calm down Cuntybollocks, stop touching yourself,
      Always feeling yourself up..

  4. When you get in wash your fucking hands, then you can touch your mush all you like. The danger is touching things on the outside that any dirty foreign cunt could have touched. Therefore pay with a card……you don’t want to handle any cunt’s change and you don’t want to touch the buttons on the cash machine. You should only be going out for shopping so it’s not that difficult to watch what you’re doing with your hands.
    Of course, if you’re breaking the rules like so many other cunts then die soon and stop fucking the rest of us up.

    • Bollocks to that. I say bring on the end times. Touch what you like, where you like, when you like. Heard immunity seems like a good idea to me, not this OCD-esque bubbleboy shite.

      3 things that are good for your immune system – nose-picking, eating worms from the garden and licking the door knob down the local Chinese takeaway.

    • Aye, but somebody with the virus could’ve touched that can of beans you picked up in Sainsbury’s.

      Unless you thoroughly wash everything you touch after shopping (packaging etc), you still shouldn’t touch your face. It’s a proper cunt, but I wash my hands after touching packaging or anything somebody else may have touched.

      It’s a proper bastard for me because I’m a fidgety cunt.

      • It must be driving those poor cunts with OCD absolutely mental. I used to work with a women who had a compulsive hand-washing problem. She would also walk away from her car and then have to back to check she’d locked it, then go back again… Same with the gas.
        She ended up having to get specialist counselling.

    • Spot on Freddie.

      The rule is to not touch your face while you’re outside and at risk of touching infected stuff thereby transferring it to your mouth /eyes.

      After you get back home and have thoroughly washed your hands, you can touch your face to your heart’s desire, unless of course you’re living with some cunt who is ill with Covid-19 and infectious.

      To be extra careful, when I get in with the shopping I put the bag down in the kitchen and immediately wash my hands. Then I store the items purchased and wash my hands a second time before getting up close and personal with the McVitie’s milk chocolate digestives and picking my nose for the rest of the day.

      • Sound thinking Ruffers.
        A good rake up the hooter is most theraputic in times like these.

      • I am sure there’s a good “Come doon, Mrs. Broon” vid on YouTube, with Gordon himself demonstrating on the front bench.
        Son of the Manse nostril-worrier.

  5. I get around this problem by wearing boxing-gloves and a full-face motorbike helmet at all times.I also wear a rubber diving suit at all times….this is to prevent me getting a shock from the electric-fence wire that I have wrapped myself in after adapting it to plug direct into the mains…it acts as a force-field to repel anyone who gets too close.

    I must say that this 2 metre rule has come as a bit of a relief to me if I’m honest…I was sick of women constantly hurling themselves fanny-first at my face…used to be constantly bothered by glancing up to see something like a hairy jellyfish hurtling towards me before clamping on like one of those old sink-plungers.

    Remember Cunters…Adopt my measures and stay safe….nobody will come within a hundred yards of you, I promise

    • Did you read the recent story about the tiger that caught the virus?

      Well, I don’t know about you old chap, but I’ll definitely be keeping at least two metres from the cunts from now on.

      • I did read that Jemma Arterton has the virus…luckily the court-ordered exclusion-zone means that I’m not allowed within 100 metres of her anyhow….a lucky escape for both her and me.

        I shot the last of the tigers/lions/pangolins/giraffes/pandas that were roaming wild in rural Northumberland last year….along with just about any other living creature that was daft enough to poke it’s head above the parapet.tbh.

        Morning All.

      • I noticed in an earlier post that you’re a cricket fan.

        If you have Sky (or have access to IPTV, something I wouldn’t know anything about, of course) they’re showing the cricket world cup final program in full right now. Show has started now, the game itself starts in about half an hour I think.

        It’s not test cricket mind, but I can watch the odd big ODI. I’m watching it because I was extremely pissed up on the day itself and can’t remember any of it.

      • I used to go to Durham occasionally for the cricket….can’t see us getting this year.

      • Sad…
        It’s a bit like The Lady Vanishes…
        Crcket enthusiasts rushi g from the disaster to get to the test match.
        I MUST get the remake as well; Arthur Lowe and Ian Carmichael as the cricket gents…
        I hope you DO get to the match, Dick.
        Can’ let this chinky shite grind us down forever.

    • This covid 19 and the advice from the government has triggered latent OCD in some people, germs are our friends!!
      Need them to develop a strong immune system.
      Never see tramps ill do you?
      No! Theyre help up as medical marvels my the eggheads in research.
      Never wash your hands!
      Carry a lump of dogshit in your pocket to fondle when feeling rundown.

      • Too right,MNC.

        I often carry lumps of horse shit in my pockets to launch at trespassers….even bet is a good cow-pat….crusty on the outside,moist on the inside….just like throwing a frisbee,it is.

      • I should have a string immune system I rolled around in dirt for most of my childhood. I think I’ve had about 3 colds in my nearly five decades on this planet.

        This one has has me a bit spooked though. Mrs has asthma and my blood pressure is a little higher than it should be (not dangerously high, just higher than normal).

        Fucking Chinese cunts.

      • High blood pressure Cuntybollocks?

        Cut out all Coronavirus related coverage on MSM and Soshul Meeja.

        Works a treat.

        Trust me, I’m a Doctor of Psychotic Enlightenment.

      • I’m sure you’re right. Going to watch the cricket on tv now. I’ll be fine not thinking about the China virus until the ad breaks, when the cunts will be eager to ask me to stay indoors…while everybody watching that advert will already be indoors watching the cricket.

      • there’s plenty of old Ealing Comedies and Marx Brothers on the telly – reminders of what comedy was all about – plus some ideas for countering the govermint bollox – be creative and get through the lockdown

      • Passport to Pimlico!!
        Health cert required BEFORE leaving to
        get back to decent parts of GB…

    • Morning Mr F.
      I must say that children have this ‘social distancing’ off to a tee. My 8 year old and were off riding our bikes (all cyclists are cunts except me, of course) in the nearby country park and 2 tiddlywinks* were walking along the path. My son, warned about this slitty-eyed menace, came skidding to a halt, got off his bike and glowered at them.
      We were concerned momentarily but managed to evade the filthy dog eaters as successfully as a peāceful avoids soap or white girls over 14.
      * They might not’ve been chinese, but who cares? It’s not worth the risk.
      I’ll bet there are aren’t many ching-chongs up your way?

      • My nearest Chinky is 25 miles away.Mr.Cunt-Engine….more worrying to me are the 8 Thai brides that I recently bought as a job-lot off t’interweb. I put them in isolation in my Fritzl-room a couple of weeks ago…..the coughing noise seems to have stopped but by the smell of it they’re certainly going to require a good hosing-down before I mount-up.

      • These er….Thai “brides”…you have checked they posses (horizontal) fannies, not tiny meat and two veg?

      • Don’t care,Mr. C-E….In these days of people changing sex it’s not a problem. I’ve castrated plenty of lambs over the years using rubber-rings…I’ll do the same with the orientals….might have to have a bit root around with the rusty old penknife to catch any root that I’ve missed but I’ve long thought that these surgeons are overpaid for doing what any trainee butcher could do.

      • By the way, have you seen the film “Byzantium” with the delicious Ms Arterton as a vampire prozzie? She looks fit as a butchers dog.
        Also, “The Girl with all the gifts”, although Ms Arterton looks less glamourous, but still well worthy of a good scuttling.

  6. This “advice” can get to fuck. I’m going to continue scratching, rummaging and readjusting any areas that need maintenance. Corona is a piss poor lager and virus.

    Fuck off.

    • A man after my own heart re the social distancing and the piss water/beer.

      • I do carry a metal tape measure with me in case I have to restrain the coppers from their overbearing concern for my health – keep your distance and I won’t have to beat you to a pulp micky mouse constable

      • I told this rather fit and very young trainee psychologist that you could protect yourself from Chinky bat flu if you covered yourself in jizz. He said he did not think he had enough in him and I offered to help. He then went off sick. PTSD , I think. Only trying to help…..

      • You’re a fucking saint Krav and I tip my hat to you. What was the matter with that bloke……..a fucking poof or something?

  7. What the fuck is Jezza doing in that photo? Doesn’t he know that everybody is watching him?

    Well, not anymore obviously. Fuck off loser.

    • Leave him be Freddie,
      It’s the nearest hes got to manual labour, bogey mining.
      Probably went off sick with a bad back after that.

      • I always wondered why the Mail kept calling him “the Labour Bogey Man.”
        Now it makes sense.

  8. Grim times, but life goes on, take good care and look for signs of normality where you can find them.

    Watch the BBC.

    Listen to Labour stirring up support to remain in the EU.

    Think about how racist you are, 33% of Covid victims are BAME but they are only 14% of the population – our fault somehow?

    If you do get Covid-19 and require ventilation you have a 51% chance of death.

    Repeat to yourself 100 times, this is not a Chinese Virus.

    Now wash your hands.

    • 14% of the population in the 2011 census, makes you think that figure is quite far off the mark these days.

  9. On a side note, Phil Collins has been donating large sums of cash to pay towards Jimmy Greaves care.

    Not a spurs fan but always liked greaves, thought it was piss poor that he was reduced to begging for money 5 years ago after his stroke, you’d of thought football would at least look after its legends.

    Nice one Phil, I’ve been happy to cunt you over the years but credit where it’s due.

  10. Morning cunters!

    Not sure where to put this so here goes. I’m thoroughly fucked off with MSN slagging off the government for lack of NHS PPE. My missus works at the front desk in a ward in Derriford, Plymouth. She has told me that if the staff aren’t nicking aprons for baking, hand sanitizer, gloves for gardening, masks etc then they’re fucking wasting it by not using it properly, putting it on wrong then throwing the item away and putting another one on etc. Fucking Sly News and the BBCUNTS won’t fucking tell you that. Plus, a vast proportion of higher level NHS staff (i.e. the ones being interviewed) mostly have lefty agendas and are just casually putting seeds of doubt in the public’s minds come the next election. And, let’s be honest, not everything in a supply chain runs smooth 100% of the time and mistakes can and do happen. This is the biggest procurement exercise in history so it won’t be without issues. Fucking MSN cunts! I hope to fuck Boris maims all these cunts when this shit is over.

    • Evening WCC….there is a page for nominations, the tab is at the top of the page. It helps admin not having to sift through hundreds of posts looking for noms.

      Hope that helps. 🙂

    • Spot on WCC!

      Btw, it’s MSM, not “MSN”.

      To submit your nom, click on the red ‘CUNT ME’ button to the right of the homepage.

      • Fair do’s Moggie, and apologies to WCC. I didn’t realise the “N” was supposed to stand for “News”. My mishtake.

        Fuck me.

    • I noticed during the election and again during this shit storm that whoever gave an opinion from the medics, usually doctors, was a lefty. Not saying the govt has everything right but I do suspect the motives of some of these cunts.

  11. There’s a scene in the film ‘Contagion’ where the health expert (played by Kate Winslet) claims the average person touches their face around 2000 times per day.
    If this information is true, I would say it would be virtually impossible to go from 2000 to zero, especially as most of the touching would be done subconsciously!

    • 2000 seems a bit fucking excessive, but I’ve read it is between 50 and 100 times a day on average.

      • I agree, 2000 times does seem excessive. I’m sure that’s what she said, but wouldn’t be able to sit through that film again to find out if I’m right. Maybe somebody else that’s watched it can confirm this?

      • She did, I watched it he other night, officially it’s 23 times an hour for the average person, luvvies of course can’t help but touch their faces more, self obsessed cunts.

      • I never fondle myself.
        An if I see any of you doing so I’ll report you.
        Its a disgrace.

      • 2,000? Seems high.

        Assuming you don’t touch your face for the 8 hours asleep, it means you touch your face about twice a minute.

        I think I’d do close to 2,000 though. Fidgety cunt.

      • Well I probably touch my balls and chain bout a good hundred times a day, but 2000 does seem excessive…

        I can’t stop touching my face either but I’ve been washing it 4 times a day now so I’m clean as a whistle

        I can’t even bring myself to watch contagion on netflix rn cause I hate all the cunts that star in it Damon, Paltrow are especially cunts that french bird Marion Cotillard looks pretty saucy tho

  12. I bought those large pokey hands that Kenny Everitt used to have with his character Brother Lee Love to touch everything so as not to use my hands it was very awkward at first but getting the hang of it now.

      • I don’t understand why some links wrap and other don’t. It’s a cunt on a tablet, it makes your page so small that only a fucking borrower can read it and I hate expanding the page.

  13. I bought a face shield, rubber boots, disposable gloves, masks and plastic overall for the express purpose of shopping. Hubby was to hose me down in the garden on return.

    I tried shopping with the gloves and the mask for starters. Took the mask off, due to disapproving stares. Touched my face about five times. Too embarrassed to wear the full kit.

  14. And today’s revelation ? The USA awarded a research grant to CHINA for $4million to research bat virus at a research establisment near Wahiun….. ( reported today DM ) If true…..WTF!

    • There’s a horizon special on iplayer if you don’t mind allowing the BBC on your screen. They explain that bats can carry up to 100 different virus’s with no ill effect and due to the fact bats live in large groups a virus can mutate my times.

      It’s worth’s watch just for the science behind a virus outbreak.

      • Is that dirty old man Atenborough narrating it (fucking perv, hanging about it the bushes waiting for animals to fornicate). He’s creepy….anyone got him on deadpool?

  15. It isn’t touching my face I’m worried about. Eyes nose and mouth, yes but can this virus affect your bell-end? Only asking because every time I see that Magnum advert on tv and it ends with that fit girl carefully putting her mouth around a choc ice, it makes me feel like having a wank.

  16. You’ll protect yourself more by not touching MSM.

    The longer the Chinese death total remains at ‘3,300’ or so, the thinner my patience wears at the current ‘only temporary and for the good of us all’ martial law bollocks.

  17. Wasn’t there a lass in America that had her face eaten off by a chimp?
    That’s one way to solve the problem.
    No idea what nationality the chimp was though.
    The hairy cunt.

  18. As a dog owner, I am forever washing my hands. It comes with the territory.

    Absolutely nothing has changed for me.

    Makes you wonder what the rest of the dirty cunts get up to before handling food, touching their face, going shopping, lighting a fag etc.

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