Stealth Bombing Shop Farters

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Ever rounded a corner in a shop and walked into an invisible bubble of stink? Then you’ve been stealth bombed. The effect normally kicks in just as you see someone wander off in the corner of your eye, then boom, it hits you! Some dirty bastard has just emptied their guts and swiftly walked off leaving a stagnant, heavier-than-air, chewable shit bomb for you to inhale as you unknowingly walk right into it.

Seems to be getting more frequent these days and I don’t know if its due to the prevalence of cheap, takeaway delivery services giving everyone affordable gut rot, in which case I’d call it being ‘Deliverood’, or maybe it’s due to a turn in the attitude of people, ie dropping a fart ‘bomb’ for sadistic pleasure, then watching the victim suffer it from a distance, in which case I’d call it being (Tony) ‘Blaired’.

Maybe its just all the EU lot doing it to get their own back on us, because of ‘Brexit’.

Christ knows, but I’m sick of walking into oxygen vacuum, stink bubbles deposited by these cunts when I’m in some shop or another. Maybe I should try some higher brow outlets than my local Poundland, Primark and Polski Sklep.

Nominated by Cuntry Cunt

103 thoughts on “Stealth Bombing Shop Farters”

  1. I am surprised that so far ITV haven’t developed a Saturday evening spectacular “celebrity” farting contest (Introduced by Philip Schofield, of course). Emma Thompson leads the girls team, Hugh Grant the boys, Stacey Solomon could be the head of the judging panel.

    It would also be an ideal way for Labour to choose their new leader – Qweer, Becky and Lisa – who can trumpet the loudest?. Points for volume and stench factor.

  2. I worked with a bloke who deliberately farted when he was serving someone on the shop floor. We worked at Comet years ago and it was fucking hilarious watching him casually lift his leg and drop a trouser cough. Oh how the days flew by.

  3. After a meal of hard-boiled eggs,Brussel Sprouts and Guinness I like to fart in the local Vegan Cafe….the smell is eye-wateringly appalling but my fart isn’t too sweet either. tbh.

    • Well Gwyneth has produced this candle which smells of her vagina. What about her farts? Why doesn’t she bottle her farts? The aroma I am sure would be equally ‘sweet smelling’. She’s missing a business opportunity here.

      • I wonder if B+WC has ever been fart-bombed while he’s got his tongue in her hoop?

      • It would probably be like some animalistic pheromone being released Fiddler, driving B&WC to more unspeakable debauchery.

      • I’d be frightened that she might be about to follow-through.

      • Imagine if Gwyneth had been in charge of lighting in Victorian times. I can just picture Sherlock Holmes creeping round a gloomy murder mansion by vagina candlelight. “Watson, something certainly smells fishy here”.

      • Gwyneth’s farts used for gaslighting in Victorian times…

        With this news I’m starting to lose my grip on reality and don’t know what to believe anymore.

  4. You’ve got me, I’m a cunt! I freely admit to fart bombing Flip Flop wearers in the frozen food aisles of Spasda, they linger longer in the colder environment, more bang for your buck.
    Occasionally I may do a pensioner (any ethnicity) at the checkout queue, stand back, pull a disgusted face and waft my nose, all to make the checkout operator think that the “Old dear” has shat herself.
    I’m a self confessed cunt.

  6. Nothing better than farting in a empty shopping aisle and retreating to a safe distance.

    • escalators are good, watch their faces as they are dragged through the cloud of death

  7. The Chinks are bad for stinking up the place over here with their rancid farts. I like to think I’m moving with the times though so I often respond in kind.

    A decent bottom-burp while stood next to the yellow cunts at the supermarket and I’ll just stand there watching and smiling until they wrinkle their little nose and fuck off a bit sharpish.

    • Their farts stink because they eat bats and their little dicks stink because they shag pangolins. The dirty bastards. Never let it be forgotten who created the virus that wiped out mankind.
      Hang on, if it does, there’ll be no-one left to remember.

  8. I surreptitiously drop my guts in Aldi every Thursday. Relieves the tedium of shopping. I find IPA and plenty of veg or salad the ideal fuel. Didn’t think it was a cunting offence.

    • This is my 2nd favourite thing next to camping and im not shy of letting bystanders know it was me.
      Also like telling people ive a itchy arse or got a hard on.

      • I think you’ve drifted from the anti-social to the criminal there.

      • Dunno, some may say MNC is over sharing but it could be said he’s just a natural communicator.

      • You could be ISAC’s Public Information Officer MNC! Been camping twice, once under a canvas scout tent in the back garden, no ground sheet and p*ssing down, unpleasant it was – and the second time I was woken up from a fitful and frozen sleep by an aggressive mouse who decided it would try and break in! (Shifty mice, probably French!)
        I believe Sir Fiddler was once asked to leave Harrods after either crimes of bot rot emission or goosing the serving gal, Rumpole of the Bailey tells me he is unable to disclose information pertaining to his richest and most distinguished client so not really sure which! 😀

      • Cheers Foxy!
        Job accepted.
        Warn you though,
        Im the type where positions of authority go to my head and ill abuse my position of trust, that’s a given!
        Also extremely susceptible to bribery.

      • Bribery, abuse of trust, megalomania? Hired! But, Mr MNC (in an interviewer stylee) “What are your negative points”? 🤣

  9. There are two names for this phenomenon. “Shit Shadow” or being firmly smacked in the kisser with the Poo Bat.

  10. I was scatter farted by a Japanese woman in asda, she did a drive by deposit and fuck did it stink, she then came back and gave me the evils!
    I mentioned it to the Mrs, fair play on the drive by but to then give me the evils as if I had done it!
    The Mrs collapsed a quivering wreck, she was the culprit and better still I had coped the blame!

  11. Forget about the higher class shops being safe – I had a cooking class the other day, I don’t normally eat spicy food and afterwards had wind something terrible. Thought I’d have a look around John Lewis on the way home and left several H-bomb level toxic events dotted around the store. When I left clothes were disintegrating on their hangers, shadows were burned into mirrors, people were jumping out of windows. Yes, I am a shop farter.

    • Excellent form Vengeance – I once did a horror in my local and it was truly eye wateringly sickening, so I slid slowly away from the scene of the crime and blamed it on a local oik I did not much care for!
      Dreadful type I am.

    • Not only am I occasionally guilty of this physical malfeasance, I also like to commit vulgarity ‘in writing’, courtesy of Tesco’s capital letter-branded herbs and spices.

  13. Dropping a shit cloud in the supermarket is one of the great joys in life, especially when you scurry around the corner and can hear cunts moaning about it on the other side of the aisle. Fucking love it.
    Of course when someone does it to me the dirty bastards should be hung on the spot. Hey! you never met a hypocrite before?

  14. Never happened to me thank Dog.

    Must be a strictly northern pastime, judging by Dick Fiddler’s and Miserable Northern Cunt’s contributions. Or maybe I’ve lived a charmed existence up to now.

    I wonder if you can catch Covid-19 from a fart bomb?

    • I hope they can!
      The idea that dropping my guts gives them corbyn 19 turns me on!
      “Hey luv ive farted, got a hard on and given you a illness”!

      Im off to Aldi.

      • Think I’ll write to Boris and ask him if it’s safe to inhale cunt’s farts during this troubling time. And whether he does so himself.

      • Again, another problem peculiar to the U.K. The French would never stoop so low as to indulge in this revolting past time. Waste of time anyway, the whole place smells like shit.

  15. My old man used to sell washing machines with his brother in law ,
    My uncle used to have a ruby regularly on a Friday night , come Saturday morning he would FART in all the machines he could before dad turned at the shop, Often my dad would be trying to sell a tumble dryer or washing machine only to open the door and be met with the stench of a stale shitty curry fart!
    A highly unusual way of selling your goods….. 😂
    Absolutely true………..

    • I used to fart in the biscuit tin before a lady-friend’s Mother used to call in for a “coffee and natter”

      • I once shit under a flatmates pillow, but that takes the biscuit!

      • I wiped my bellend around the rim of the site foremans brew mug,
        Every day.
        Hated the little cunt.
        Loved watching him have his morning cuppa.

      • Fuck me, MNC, almost pissed my pants with laughter at your post and Dick’s biccy tin post.

      • Hang a sec Paul, what was wrong with my post? You praised everyone but me?

  16. I once let rip with silent, eggy, four day old carcass beauty next to guide dog. The guide dog was actually distracted by it, savouring all the aromatic textures. Shame on you guide dog, shame on you….

    • Chubby Brown’s opening line when I saw him many years ago – “Have some consideration for the deaf, if you’re going to fart, make it smell.”

      • I’ve often wondered at what point do deaf people realise farts make a noise. Does somebody have to tell them?

  18. I let out a real loud wet fart in the cinema. The four people in front all turned round and looked at me.
    For a millisecond I knew what’s it’s like to be on ‘The Voice’….

  19. I never realized anyone could fart at will. Is it a talent you are born with or do you need years of lessons and training?

    • You just need to be really ready for a shit before you go shopping, the fermentation process does the rest.

  22. I love “cup caking” someone by farting in my hand and putting it in their face.

    • However, I do have to agree with Dark Key. Is this what it’s come to?

      • We’re at the bottom, that’s for sure.
        Evening Bertie.
        In fact, good evening to all you dirty arsed bastards.

      • With all the fucking doom and gloom and extreme cuntitude of the last few months, farts are like a breath of fresh air. Just go with it.😀

    • I used to have a big empty coffee jar that I’d fart in and screw the lid on really quick. I’d leave the jar on top of my big old telly to get a bit of warmth in the mix. When any of my biker mates would call round I’d ask them to take the lid off and have a sniff to see if the jar had any petrol stored in it in the past.

      • yes, asking “do you smell petrol” is a very good way to ensure the victim takes in a proper sinus full.

  23. I popped one out in Tesco the other day, expecting it to be of the silent but deadly type. No such luck, as a sound similar to that of a exhaust less two stroke starting, combined with a pool table dispensing it’s balls echoed around the busy aisles. Even for a cunt like me with little shame, it was hard to keep a straight face as the surrounding shoppers turned in disgust and stared like Donald Sutherland does at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And it stank too. Fuck them, it’s probably the most interesting thing that happened to them that week. It was for me….

  24. Sorry but off topic. Are the dead pool rules still the same if a nominee dies from this coronavirus or is there a separate VIRUS VICTIM pool ? Not my idea but Mrs K asked the question which isn’t the worst thing I’ve heard today. It’s going to make a mockery of deadpool if famous flies start to drop.

      • “Self-isolating” has become to sound so ridiculous now despite the potential seriousness of a pandemic. I hear even Justin Trudeau is self-isolating and stocking up on soy milk and an ultra rare box set of ‘The Black and White Minstrel Show’ to binge watch.

    • Rob, you play on ISAC as a family?
      👍👍
      My missus isnt interested.
      Said your all disgusting.
      Shes right too.
      You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

      • Mrs K thinks we are all bad too ! But sometimes her input is priceless. I often say to her to read comments on here. It’s Russian roulette whether I get a laugh or not. Beyond all that she is a top bird and would rather I vent my spleen on here than out in public as I can be a nightmare. If I get it off my chest on here she knows I’m a more relaxed person and she’s happy…..which makes my life easier!

      • Seems common sense.👍
        Unfortunately coming on here makes my already deplorable behaviour worse!
        My jingoistic(☺) racist ranting has got bad.
        Told my missus youve all indoctrinated and groomed me an i wasnt like that before.
        She said your all a bunch of bastards an are a bad influence.

      • Yes MNC we probably are a bad influence but doesn’t it feel good! Nothing worse than calling someone a cunt and no-one agrees with you. I’m happier since finding this site knowing I’m not growing old and twisted on my own and there are plenty out there on my wavelength.

    • I’m looking forward to a Dead Pool bumper harvest. Admin had better get some early nights, things are going to get awfully busy.
      ” And I looked, and behold, a pale horse ! And its rider’s name was Death, and Hell followed with him ”
      Get To Fuck.

      • Sat in your mourning suit an black armband circling candidates in Hello! Magazine Jack?
        😁

      • I’m actually working my way through the clientele of the House of Lordycunts.
        If at least half of them don’t snuff it, I’ll feel cheated
        No armband, semi naked, with a bottle of Guinness.
        It’s not pretty.
        Bottom’s up !

  25. I have to walk through the management Corridor now and again at work and if possible try and drop me guts then. Lately they have particularly been a bit rancid, no idea why and Mrs Once can’t understand it either as we eat the same food but apparently I’ve been close to divorce on a few occasions now when she’s walked into one.

  26. I once marinated my bell end in a fishermans pie, cooling on a client’s kitchen table. I often wonder is it gave the haddock a certain piquance.

  27. Eggy farts are evil.

    I think farts that then turn into diarrhoea are even worse.

    • Dont be dirty Spoons.
      That picture at the top?
      Look at the womans arm,
      At first i thought she had a loose jumper on,
      But her arm is just a bone with loose skin hanging down!
      Yuck!

    • If you build up too much pressure the gas will liquefy, so perhaps is best to vent often and lightly.

  28. I carry a battery powered leaf blower in the grocers and clear my path as I go. Cant be too careful not interested in inhaling others rectal atmosphere.

  29. My favourite is asking someone if they smell something burning, seeing them draw in a lung full of my miasma before realising and shedding a single tear from their pained face.

  30. Being comfortable farting in public isn’t all fun and games. Once, walking around Cardiff shopping on a sunny Saturday afternoon, I pushed too hard on a fart, hoping to get the maximum amount of relief from a fresh air trouser cough, instead, I felt a squelch, and had to tie my jumper around my waist in case it was apparent that I had followed through. I ended up stopping off in ikea to wash my arse in the toilets there. First world problems eh?

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