Green Laners…”Green laning is typically the mildest, least technical type of off-roading. It involves driving anywhere without a paved road — usually forest trails, the countryside or on roads that have fallen into disrepair.”
My local paper has recently reported on the Emergency Services having to turn out to rescue Kayakers (fishing-disturbing Cunts), Hikers (game-bird disturbing Cunts) and Green Laners, the latest bunch of trespassers who believe that they have the right to invade other people’s land.
Now, I’m aware that there is at least one ex (?) green laner on this site and, of course, I would never write a piece which deliberately offended, but feel in this case that more people should be made aware of this threat to our Green and Pleasant Land.
Only last year while on a shooting day at a local grouse moor, we found that our Range Rovers were struggling on some of the tracks. This was because the old routes had been chewed up by idiots in gas-guzzling, Frankenstein 4x4s, who fancied destroying someone else’s land. Would they be so keen if I were to drive my Hilux over their artificial turf and decking, postage stamp garden, I wonder? Unless people own at least 500 acres of land they should be banned from owning a 4×4…they have no legitimate need for one.These fucking people pollute the environment and destroy habitat. No self-respecting game is going to stay in an area where “Wayne and Baz” are screeching about pretending that they are Jeremy fucking Clarkson (another complete bellend).
I have suggested that if these dreadful people must be allowed to continue their vandalism that the local Army ranges should be made available. Thousands of acres of “challenging terrain” for the Cunts, plus the chance that some American drone-operator will call in a missile strike : ” Target Wanker located…Destroy with extreme prejudice”.
Fuck Off.
Nominated by Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler
Tut tut dick, displaying the same snobbery as I was subjected to when I turned up to the local pheasant shoot with a Spas-12.
I need my 4×4, some of the kerbs up here are nearly 6 inches.
13
This is something of a new concept for me having recently moved to the Lake District National Park. Stupid twats (mostly tourists) in their Chelsea Tractors venturing out onto fields around the Fells, and acting like right Jeremy Clarkson bellends!
That said, It has been known that some cunning/enterprising farmers & land owners to dig up certain stretches of their unused land, turf it and overload it with water turning it into deep boggy marshland – just enough for any unsuspecting green laner to get well and truly stuck!
The farmer then trundles past on his tractor and:-
a) gives them a right bollocking for trespassing on his land, and
b) offers to tow them back onto the main road for an inflated fee
16
I watched the film ‘The Green Man’ yesterday – made in 1956 it stars Alastair Sim as a watchmaker and part time assassin – he likes blowing up ‘important’ people’ by hiding bombs in footballs or radios and other devices – maybe there’s something to learn from this … ?
7
He was excellent in “Green For Danger” too…a good-old whodunnit.
Excellent cunting, m’Lord. Do you get “exposed” to any narurist hikers ?
4
We did have that Naked Rambler come through, ..apart from him the only open-air nakedness is when I have first swim through the sheep-dipper. Very invigorating and guaranteed to put the willies up the waiting ewes…the tups just gaze at my “magnificence” with a jealous gleam in their eyes.
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness”…especially in these troubling times, I believe.
Have you started your Man from the Ministry job yet, HBH?
6
Mon April 6th, Corbyn-19 permitting…
I believe there are about 80 of us starting, so I wouldn’t be in the least surprised if they told us to sod off for a bit longer. After all, I only applied for the job in April 2019, and the CS is, as we know, so efficient.
Must go and get my anti-viral rolled brolly and bowler at the ready…
Once I am actually feet under a desk with them, may try to get some sort of transfer to Newcastle N-E region. Cardiff gives me the pip, or at least all the sandwogs and low-grade E European pikeys do. Not to mention the monkey-house nerks.
There was some impressive old pile up for grabs at Alston, but it’s under offer. Shame, but I’m short of the £M1 required…
Have a good evening at Fiddler Towers !
2
It’s about time the country toffs got a taste of the foreign invasion the rest of us have put up with for years. A few middle class wankers trying to get away from the filth for a few hours are fuck all compared to the nightmare coming behind them.
Enjoy it while you can Mr Fiddler. You should see what they’re doing to the frog habitat, the cunts.
9
Heard of this, but to be honest you see 4x4s on land I assume either
A) its the landowner
B) they are there with the landowners permission.
Dont pay that much attention to others when outdoors, to busy thieving.
😁
6
“Jeremy fucking Clarkson (another complete bellend).”
Never a truer word spoken.
8
The biggest mouth “in the world…”
2
I fucking hate Clarkson, the fucking overgrown child. Gives it all the ‘I hate Johnny Foreigner’ fake British Bulldog wankery and then sucks EU cock and licks up their putrid spunk. Fucking twat. Sacking that cunt was one of the few decent things the BBC has ever done.
9
He’s a neighbour and good friend of David Cameron,Freddie. You can just imagine the pair of them sitting in David’s Shepherd’s Hut being the purest form of Cunts.
9
Clarkson much of been cunted on here?
Dont remember it though?
Its his tight bubble permed hair an snow wash jeans that buggs me, along with his faux macho bollocks.
Posh cunt an the type who wears cowboy boots.
Terrys oven.
5
That’s a very yurtful thing to say, Dick
5
Jeremy Clarkson is one of the few people who can make me laugh out loud with his un PC comments.
An extremely talented writer and someone who can take the piss out of himself.
Ok, he has recently come out as a Remainer, but nobody’s perfect.
Didn’t bother watching the Grand Tour, as I couldn’t be bothered to subscribe to Amazon Prime, also thought Top Gear was nearing the end of its shelf life.
Jeremy Clarkson, a blokes bloke, perhaps a big mouth but often right and he dares to say what many are thinking.
Top man. In my opinion.
15
He wasn’t religious about it either unlike some remainers.
1
Unlike ALL remainers!
3
It’s worth noting that the vast majority of trails motorcycles sold are used for nothing more adventurous than popping wheelies outside the girlfriends flat…😁
7
The trouble with owning a trail bike is that you won’t own it for long before some grey trakkie wearing shitbag will be riding it three up with his mates, playing chase with the coppers.
2
My mate was driving through the Australian outback and unknowingly strayed from the recognised trail when his car suddenly broke down.
For two days he stayed with the car as instructed but when his water supply ran out he set off on foot.
Luckily he had a compass with him which meant even though he was slowly dying from dehydration he was still able to draw perfectly formed circles….
14
I signed a petition to get this nonsense banned from the Lake District. I’m not sure how the case is progressing, but I imagine whoever has the deepest pockets will prevail In our incorruptible quango offices.
I would have suggested banning these oversize vehicles from the road too, but as most of Britain’s highways resemble a lunar landscape, a 4×4 will soon be the only way of getting around.
9
Whoever thought up this green laning past time is an idiot. Why would anyone want to go to the countryside and treat it like a track day, disturbing wild life and spewing out diesel fumes?
I live on a shooting estate on a private road. Not suffered Green laners yet but am amazed at the number of people who don’t stick to the footpath, the yelling children at the weekend and those who just ignore the private land sign and go on through anyway. If I catch someone I ask them if they are lost then they go very quickly.
8
I used to green lane, I used the app “View ranger” which is an up to date ordinance survey map showing legal rights of way, some of the tracks including the steps (rock drops) are not passable with an un modified vehicle, so your “Chelsea tractor” wont make it.
As with all things there were some reasonable people out there and some right bell ends, the bell ends would go off track cause problems sometimes even abandon and torch there illegal off road dune buggies.
Others were curious, pulled over for horses and occasionally rescued other vehicles or mountain bikers.
I was able to take the MRS to places that she would never see, (being disabled) thinking about it I could have marooned her out there a few times (hindsight wistfulness) But, because I was a responsible driver as my health deteriorated and it became obvious that I would no longer be able to self recover a vehicle or walk to safety I stopped.
I unfortunately sold my vehicle to a bell end with strict instructions not to go over 40mph off road unless he made a brake line modification (Due to articulation of the running gear) within 2 weeks he phoned me up demanding compensation as he had ripped the brake lines off the rear axle.
Bell end sold the vehicle on to another person (Responsible) who found they had also fucked the engine and they put the vehicle up for sale.
I contacted them with a list of under body modifications and structural modifications (about 3k worth) and explained that he would be better off selling it for parts. the seller reviewed the list and changed the engine and it is still going.
so that’s the story of my beloved road legal off road truck.
3
I like your perspective on this sport, my Lord. You clearly conducted yourself with consideration for the environment.
3
When I did it, it was a sort of rambling for the infirm/lazy I would load up a picnic (maybe even a barbecue) and set off, quite often I would hit the dizzying speeds of 20MPH but in some places going past 5 mph would be stupid.
I have navigated most of Salisbury plain and a few other areas.
But there are some massive cunts, Generally the disco community, they pay someone to modify the vehicle and then go out and find out what it will do, which normally involves fucking up woodland or heath land.
or in some cases collapsing the banks of the tracks into the track its self.
Any way it is history now.
3
Thanks for the tip Mr Fiddler, myself and my fellow county lines drug dealing crew will to buy an Hilux each as we bring the joys of Crack, Heroin and Cocaine to the rural masses.
It’s been a nightmare trying to get around the countryside on the mopeds we typically use in London.
7
How much do these modified 4x4s cost?
Seen them about.
4
We go for the full bling MNC, diamond encrusted steering wheel, solid gold alloys…when people see us they know we mean business.
6
Hehehe! Yeah pimp it up!
Do some figure of 8s in Dicks top field!
Then get the fuck out of Dodge when the bullets start flying!!😁
3
Very close to my heart this Dick. What little we have left is being trashed by these vacuous ignorant fucking cretins. City folk should stay out of the countryside unless they are prepared to respect the country people and their lands. Execute the fuckers…end of .
6
Another fact that I forgot in my original nom.
“Travellers” are using these green lane rights to access land for coursing and poaching…
” Allowed up here,Sor…green-lane,isn’t it?”…the lurchers in the back must just be along for the ride,presumably.
Cunts.
9
Salient point. We often overlook the effects of those who “enrich” our society and culture as they thieve and desecrate across our once green and pleasant land. Travellers ( IMHO ) deserve little other than the most fatal of contacts with COVID-19.
BTW In Jersey, green lanes are sacre-sanct and protected by law.We should do that here.
4
This used to be all the rage in the 90s when I lived in the Lake District and Yorkshire Dales. A combination of it going out of fashion and green lane closures seem to have reduced the numbers. Thankfully. And it never caught on in the Highlands where there are hundreds of miles of moorland tracks – the locals would think you a bloody looney.
If you want to do off-roading, join the Army.
6
Never seen the attraction – if you have land you have a four wheel drive vehicle, and not an Evoque or a Q7 – something rough and ready like a Forester, Land Rover or a Hilux (anything else tends to fall to bits with serious use), and coming from a farming community and bouncing around in the bloody horrible things as a kid I think I will give it a miss unless I am using said beast to harry and terrorise a non law abiding cyclist!
Just waiting for Sir Fiddler to wake up and look out the window one morning to see the sight of a gold plated Hummer with 30″ rims – B&WC’s come – a – calling! 😀
4
LOL…..I can just picture the B+WC…dressed like Bootsy Collins, with a couple of very clean arsehole “hoes” pulling up in the stackyard…the window goes down to release a cloud of “exotic” smoke and reveal a gold-toothed Phil Lynott lookalike demanding to know “Where da white wimmin at?…you Caaannnnnttttt”
7
I knew this was going to be a Fiddler nom just from the picture and the first sentence!
You don’t like walkers or mountain bikers either do you Dick?
7
Nothing against any of them,Mr. Steptoe….just as long as they don’t try to perpetrate their fuckwittery anywhere near me.
🙂 .
6
Never heard of it.
Sounds like summat St Greta would think up.
Fuck off to Tesco in your 4×4 and buy all the bog roll.
Daft bastards.
4
The countrysides a cunt. Full of Pikeys and fuck all curry and kebab gaffs. And were the fuck can you buy skins at 2 o clock in the morning?
2
The only “green lane” that these Townie cunts have ever been up is Quentin’s back passage after he’s been eating too much Cavalo Nero ,Pak Choi and spinach.
3