Breaking news

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You heard it here first from the IsAC News team.

Buckingham Palace have announced the Her Majesty The Queen (aged 93) and Prince Philip (aged 98) are to be moved to Windsor castle in the first of many moves to isolate them from the virus spread.

Prince Charles and Camille have also postponed their proposed overseas engagements in light of the expanding crisis.

However with any luck Harry and Meghan’s tour of Italy will go ahead as planned.

You heard it here first.

The Admin team.

(anyone got any bog roll?)

60 thoughts on “Breaking news”

  2. No. We are down to six the Mrs tells me and Tesco and Sainsbury’s are out of stock since Friday and I point blank refuse to go to Lidl and pay twice as much in local Nisa.
    Will be using newspaper shortly.
    Fuck the panic buying cretins.
    Nice for one to have another palatial home to go to eh?

    • Hard to feel sorry for the ultra rich or celebrity cunts because they will get the best of treatment at hospitals and first to get a corona virus test kit

  4. I’m in the west country currently residing at my second flat. I’m in two minds whether to get in the black man wagon (BMW) and drive back to my Notting Hill flat, I feel like a Royal.
    Go fuck yourselves.

    • Have your arsehole tickling activities been curtailed B&WC? These are dark times indeed.

      • Ain’t had a good old bit if tonguing for ages LL, these Chinese have a lot to answer for.
        Perhaps the Chinese takeaways should be giving us free crispy duck and Singapore noodles as way of an apology.

  5. I might have corona cunters, So I either have a mild flu or my stupid brother gave me the corona virus. To explain I went out to eat with him and my mother 4 days ago and before meeting up with him he calls us up 5 minutes after we reach the restaurant worrying about corona his symptoms are scratchy throat, mild cough and to make a long story short my mother convinces my brother to come anyway thanks mom! In absolute cunt fashion she downplays his concerns and invites him

    I know I come from a family of proper cunts and of course I’m at fault at my own freewill for even going but I was hungry and pissed off from waiting so long to eat. I’m of course over thinking about this in a worst case scenario but with all the corona hysteria its kinda hard not to. Hate how my brothers paranoia plays on my own anxieties but thats the cunty thing about life I guess. I’m getting out the welding tools in case I got to weld my door shut and self isolate. I’m gonna smoke some hash drink some beer and try not to worry bout this I’ll update you cunts if I start to wither away…

    • Starve a cold….but feed a fever….shag as many women as you can, that will increase your BMR and burn out ( exhaust) the virus.

      If not. Its a shag !!! whoooopeee !

      • Its probably just a mild flu AsA but as much as I’d like to get some pussy I’m don’t want to be a super spreader selfish cunt.

        Heard wanking is good for building up your immune system and its lighter on the wallet then having to deal with whores. Also I’m really good at jerking off too I’m an absolute coomer

        Thanks for your concerns what you drinking AsA? Was gonna pop open a beer but think i’ll wait a bit this pot is good enough for now the ale and gin can wait

      • There’s no such thing as mild flu incidentally. If it’s mild it’s not flu.

    • Best Wishes Titslapper. Avoid wanking, it lowers immunity. Get lots of vitamin C, if you’ve got good basic health you should be fine.

      • Always use a sock when wanking titslapper, thicker the better. Im on Brandy and Morphine at the moment, hence my very Cavalier approach to all things at the moment.

        I take it you’re back in the UK ??

      • Saves on the tissues n’all. Apparently people have been panic buying tissues.

      • Morphine and brandy seems like a good combo AsA but careful mixing a opiate with alcohol. Also have a shot of fresh grapefruit juice to up morphines bioavailability to the blood brain barrier it has shit oral bioavailability due to the time release wax in it

        Can’t go wrong with derrick may Black n white strings of life is classic techno cheers

  6. They could take that cunt Blair to Italy with them, have tea with the Pope , before shaking hands with every infected eyetie they meet. Trouble is, Trailer Trash are quite resistant to disease I hear. They just cause it ! ( Miow )

  7. Why the fuck would the vast Windsor Castle with it’s army of fucking flunkeys be safer than the vast Buck Palace with it’s army of fucking flunkeys? The cunts wont exactly be out doing the family shop. It’s the fucking flunkeys who are the danger.
    I expect RTC will keep his man Stroker at arms length for this very reason.

    • Quite so Cuntstable.

      Burrell, I mean Stroker is confined to the thunderbox till further notice.

  8. Whilst away on a fully funded search and rescue mission in the far east I came across these ..

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Handheld-Sprayer-Toilet-Attachmen-Bathroom/dp/B071W2RQ5C/ref=pd_sbs_60_2/262-5958456-2513927?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B071SHBFQJ&pd_rd_r=d00a1032-92c2-4be8-8b17-6283153641cc

    It took me longer than it should to work out what they were and to summon the courage to try it, but hey when in Rome. The long and the short, bloody marvelous, beats a sponge on a stick.

      • Strange you should mention that, on the very same expedition I was presented with a menu upon which a ‘triple header’ was an option. Anyhoo I’m sure Tony will enjoy his prezzie from Mandy, maybe I should have indulged myself more, perhaps if I had I could watch the monstrous cunt boil in hell in the sea of blood he spilt. Grrrr. Grrrrr.

      • It’s Ok, it’s Ok. I’ve taken my meds, calm, calm. You have no idea how hard it is not to get myself banned from here. I have now donned my Darth Vader outfit and will now proceed to terrorise the locals as is my want.

      • That website advertising the ersatz toilet seat for the more discerning shirt lifter has just caused me to crap myself laughing, WC. Many thanks for that!

        I appreciated especially the part about the “galvanised pipes… plus the the zinc-dipped coating” whose “variegated finish disguises your greasy paw prints, stands up to any lube and cleans up easily too”.

        Fucking class, Mr Boggs. Having changed my underpants laughing my eyes put, the “reviews” then came as an additional pleasure, as I nearly cracked a rib.

        Thank you so very much once again for bringing this to my attention.

  9. I think if I were trying to escape the plague I would travel further than Berkshire from London. I’d suggest the Shetland Isles. Then I doubt Prince Phillip wears his kilt much these days?

    • What business has a first generation Greek immigrant got wearing a fucking kilt? Culturally appropriating gobbler.

  10. Pretty funny rap parody of the wuflu if you cunters want to check it out. Was uploaded to youtube a week ago but it was too spicy and offensive for youtube. It got reuploaded watch it while you can or go to bitchute if it gets taken down again https://youtu.be/zs3KaY3r5bw

  11. I thought the old dear lived at Windsor all year round. She only pretends to live at Buckingham Palace to please the tourists with all that ‘Ooo look the flags up, she must be in’ rubbish.

  12. Prince Philip taken down by a slant eyed chinky virus? Never! Orf to Windsor with er indoors to release the hounds and prime the blunderbuss, what!

  14. So, the Royals are effectively being quarantined! Not before time, the fuckin’ mad dogs.

    This is effectively a dry run for the plans they have forcing the over 70’s to self isolate for 4 months. “Look Doris, if it’s good enough for the Queen, it’s good enough for you. This will work really well won’t it with the fine system of Social Care that Boris brought in?
    Poor old Doris will be safe from Covid-19 but will die from starvation or loneliness.

    • I said to my wife this morning that 4 months locked in the house without seeing anybody is pretty normal for the over 70’s.

  15. That fucker (Prince Phillip) will be brown bread soon enough… then we’ll have to endure a public mourning spectacle for a no-use blue blooded cunt…

    • They’ll have to pop him in the freezer until public gatherings are legal again. Then, as the catafalque processes solemnly down Whitehall to the strains of ‘Zorba the Greek’ from the massed bands of the Navy*, a ghostly mist surrounds the guncarriage, due to the dry ice inside…

      *Due to defence cutbacks, a bosun’s whistle and the commanding officer’s son’s beatbox

    • As Samuel L Jackson once said ‘ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!!!’

      Fucking pidgeon English. Bushmeat eating cunts.

  17. My cat isn’t worried about the lack of toilet paper. I’ve been watching how she deals with the situation, having a shit and then licking her arse clean. Human bodies are not as flexible as those of our feline friends, so if the situation deteriorates we would each need to find someone suitable and enter into a mutual cleansing arrangement with them. Just one of many lessons to be learned from the animal kingdom.

    • Black and White Cunt has multiple arrangements in place.
      He’s a fucking disgrace.

  18. I bet Her Majesty and Phil will be given 24 hour specialists and all that…
    While some poor old bugger who fought Hitler and then spent years working his bollocks off down some pit will have to take ‘what he’s given’ by the NHS and he’ll have to wait about eight weeks to see his GP, by which time the poor old sod will be dead… One again, Britain has got its priorities fucking backwards….

    • Too right Norman. I bet there’s a fully functional intensive care unit in Windsor Castle, with extra everything, in case of breakdowns. No shortage of anything, finest food and plenty of ammo.
      Fuck you peasants, we’re all right.
      Cunts.
      Fuck off and die.

  19. As much as I respect Queenie (not Phil though….never liked the miserable old cunt) I really could not give even a single, teeny-weeny fuck about them and Covid-19.

    They will have the best protection, the best care and the best advice going. No lurgy carrying pleb will be anywhere in their vicinity. Their loyal minions will see to that.

    I can just see Queenie in a hazmat suit, probably tastefully dyed by her Senior Dresser/Personal Assistant. Bet she will be finishing the look off with one of her vibrant hat numbers too and those dinky, black patent shoes she always wears.

    It’ll become ‘the look’ of Spring 2020………

    • Yes NC, I have very little sympathy for someone who can say, “I will be self-isolating in the east wing for the next fourteen days” and elbowing her way to the bog roll in the local Tesco’s.

  20. Typial. In a crisis, protect rich people who contribute nothing to society.

  21. Toilet roll is for poofs. I’ve been using handfuls of hay, and straw for years.

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