Ant and Dec (2)

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As humankind continues to take its first uncertain steps into the new millennium, it confronts the same huge questions which have perplexed it for thousands of years. Is there a God? What is time? Is there one universe or a multiverse, and are we alone in the vast cosmos? Why is there something, rather than nothing?

However the greatest riddle facing us today is unquestionably what has come to be known in scientific circles as ‘The Ant and Dec Problem’, to wit; how is it remotely possible that two gurning turnips with no discernible talent whatsoever can continue to make such huge amounts of money? Interest in this incredibly difficult philosophical conundrum has recently been fuelled by the news that ITV is ‘keen to keep their most prized assets’, amid rumours that the Gruesome Twosome were being wooed by Amazon Prime. ITV is reportedly prepared to offer the Gormless Gobshites an eye-watering £40m, three-year deal to beat off competition.

Now I’m willing to concede that it might be theoretically possible to detect at least some microscopic fragment of talent in Ant and Dec. If it were somehow possible to fire them along the Large Hadron Collider at 99.99999% of the speed of light, the elusive Antandec Talent Boson might finally be persuaded to reveal itself. As Professor Brian Cock puts it, *shit eating grin* ‘with my huge fuck-off LHC, I can show thingies that are very, very, very small… so tiny in fact that they can’t be seen with the naked eye, even with a magnifying glass’. Given however that such an option is beyond the current bounds of technological capability, the reality of the ATB remains purely speculative. To all intents and purposes therefore, for the forseeable future Ant and Dec will continue to trouser eye-watering amounts of wonga in return for demonstrating the thin end of the square root of fuck all in the way of talent.

I’ll allow the great chicklit authoress Jane Austen to have the final word on the subject, as she sums the matter up far more eloquently than I can: ‘it is a truth universally acknowledged that a couple of fuckwits in possession of no ability whatsoever must be in want of some talent’.

So far Ant and Dec themselves have been unavailable for comment, a spokesperson indicating that ‘they’re too busy pissing themselves laughing, all the way to the bank’.

Nominated by Ron Knee

53 thoughts on “Ant and Dec (2)”

  1. Mmm. Whilst eye watering, at least this obscene pay day isn’t coming out of my licence fee. None of it will matter to me in May anyway when Sky get the big heave-ho at end of contract and I can finally withdraw my contribution to that bunch of cunts known as the BBC. As far as I’m concerned, all these overpaid talentless wànkèrs should face extinction sooner rather than later. Another fine nomination Ron.

    • A word of warning re Sky. The cunts make it very difficult to leave. Check they cant just roll it on and continue to collect. And be wary of their premium cost phone line (if you haven’t got Sky phone) where they will spin out ‘security questions’ and any other bollocks they can to fleece you.

      • Calling Sky 0333 customer service is free on my Three mobile contract but agree it’s a pain to get through to the right people…. messages about doing shit online, cunts, I am calling because I can’t do what I want to do online!!

      • If you do decide to leave Sky tell them you are moving into a rented listed building and that under no uncertain terms are you allowed to attach a dish to any part of the building or grounds. I was pre-warned by my brother-in-law and the bloke at Sky customer services didn’t have an answer and cancelled my contract. They will bend over backwards to try to keep you and try all sorts to get you to change your mind.

      • There is an easier way, a steely resolve and just say no. I like the Sky system generally but I used to be in sales and know the tricks. Have been with them for 15 years but almost always negotiate a deal. I currently have Cinema for £3 per month because I told them I only wanted it for a month over Xmas @£19 per month. I am always prepared to leave and that seems to make a difference.

      • Re : Sky,
        A few years back, my tv package had gone up to £35/month for the ‘basics’ (news, docs, etc). Called to complain & get the price down. Ditching kids & music channels, they wouldn’t get my package below £27 – so I cancelled.
        Within 6 months, they e-mailed to ‘tempt’ me back…..£10/month for 18 months for my old package + box sets
        You’ve got to be prepared to walk…

      • Been with them since 95 CC and have tried in the past to quit but caved in, mainly for the Grandchildren. In the last year all they have watched is Youtube, so at end of contract it all goes along with those tossers at the BBC. Had all the guff last year about being a media company now and being so much more than just a TV channel provider. I dont pay much at all really, but all this new ‘original’ programming isn’t my thing as I get older, and to be fair to them I cant remember the last time i paid anywhere near full price. But my ultimate aim is to deprive the BBC and Crapita of any income from my hands and thus cut the likes of Linekunt et al of their undeserved ‘salaries’, or as I call it, money for nothing. I’m sure it will be fun when it comes.

    • I always wonder if companies like Santander lose custom because they hire two-wats like Antandec?
      Do management think so little of the public that they agree to taking on these talent vacuums?
      Trust them with my money? Aye, right.

  2. Warranted cunting, Ron. “Gurning Turnips” made me laugh.

    Looks like Ant is taking the age-old adage “All hands on Dec” a bit too literally in the photo.

    Oh and Admin – What a smashing idea – the new cunter counter down South there – How many of those “Hits Today” will be MNC ?!!!! (Bless him)

    • Beside slapping my mum for not using a coaster, what’s a ‘hit’?

      • Evening Dr. Not sure what the difference is between a “hit” and a “visit”. One sounds like a home call from your GP and the other, upsetting the “firm”

        Maybe Admin can elucidate ?

    • I have often thought there is something a bit “Alan Carr” about this pair (though thankfully not so flamboyant). They would have found their real calling would have been Red Coats in the 60s, and shared a chalet in the camp.

  3. Oh how I welcome this Cunting and Grump has done a top notch job on these pair of talentless gobshites.If I’d have done this nomination it would have just been a list of expletives.
    Fucking,Cunting ,twatty, Geordie arseholes.
    Phew managed to stop myself,did I mention Gobshites?

  4. They are part of a great many mysteries. Cowell, Holden, and a bunch of other, mostly ITV cunts with no discernible point.

    • They are all fucking talentless twats, but none of them come within hailing distance of the biggest ITV cunt – Philip-Whoops-Duckie-Schofield. As the old music hall song had it “Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron……..”

  5. Boring cunts that will go on and on and on until eventually they will have been shown to be as terrible narsacist cunts as all the rest of the Savilles

  7. I have nothing against this pair, they seem to be good at what they do, which appears to be introducing a continuing stream of performing seals to our nation of incy-wincy gay-boy arse-wipes and prosecco-filled trollops. As said, it costs me nothing and since I have yet to watch anything they present (and wouldn’t even at gunpoint) they are total non-entities in this house. If ITV, or whoever, are prepared to pay them foreign-aid scales of cash then good for them.

  8. When offered the contract Ant said “I’ll drink to that”

    Sorry Ant, low blow I know but at least your ex wife won’t be taking half.

  9. When you look at the Shit on TV on Saturday evenings Ant and fucking Dec are actually the cream of the crop, that’s not saying they are any good but the opposition is worse!
    Take a look at the main channels BBcunts and ItV, The greatest dancer, the masked singer, pointless celebrities (aptly named), the voice, first and last ….. all complete Shit, Ant and Dec have no opposition!!!

    • Ant always stands to the right of Dec (facing camera) so he can remember which one he is.

      “which one’s Ant?” – “you see that guy who’s car isn’t wrapped around a tree ; that’s Dec”

      and my favourite Frankie Boyle line…
      “I like to think that the only reason we can see Dec, is because Ant’s imagining him, so hard”

  10. This pair of brain donors boil my piss and the bastard bank Santander love them. Asked the bank manager why did you take this pair of Wayne Kerr’s on. No wonder the interest rates are set at 2/10th of 5/8 ths of sweet Fanny Adams.
    Oh and they’re a pair of gormless wankers as well.
    CUNTS

    • I would leave Santander because of these gurning cunts, but there isn’t a bank that offers better rates on a positive current account balance.

    • Thanks Mickey.
      There’s a lot of cunts in the so-called ‘celebrity entertainment’ world, but there’s just something so utterly inane, so utterly mundane, so utterly purile about these two fuckwits that I literally cannot stand the sight of them.

  12. Ant and Dec? Fucking Blaydon Races roast tatties Keggn’s the messiah Newcie Brown Hang the Monkey Wor lass is a reet slag fishy on a littler dishy Mekon headed cunts…

    Ah, that’s better….

  13. This pair of inanely grinning mongoloids grip my shit. Not the full Corden, because they stick to ITV, on which there is nothing but shite, but if I do catch a glimpse of the bulb headed pricks, they are off before one of them can open his stupid gob. Top cunting for bottom drawer cunts.

  14. Great great nom,thanks Sir Ron of the Cunting!
    Oddly this pair of tits are ones I don’t want to squeeze.
    Perhaps I’m getting old.
    Anyhow fuck the miniature yet mega cunts.

  15. Bloody hell Ron, do we need to have a cunts intervention before you get an injunction from Salma and her (very) golden globes?? And when you say “three year deal to beat off the competition”, you don’t mean in that way do you? Not sure watching Ant and Dec take turns wanking off a throbbing Pip Schofield will fly on a Saturday teatime

    • Well who is the giver and who is the taker? Answer on a post card please, BBC TV wood lane, jingle jangle, now then, now then… what can I fix for you young man…

  17. A pair of totally talentless cunts of the highest order
    Good at what they do ? Er what’s that then precisely nothing fucking useless Butlins Redcoats me thinks not Drink and drive pop pills almost kill someone take a year off out of the spotlight then quadruple your salary and all is forgotten 👎
    When these talentless wankers come onto your TV switch them off then the people who pay them will get the message and We will be rid of these Geordie Hobibits 👍👍

  18. Pair of useless parasite talentless cunts. How do you deal with Rats? Drowning is normally the answer.

  19. In the 90’s, Mr Saturday Night was Michael “it’s MY show, look at ME” Barrymore, another talentless loon who’s appeal and popularity has always bemused me. Nowadays, we’ve got these two equally hopeless cretins. Didn’t they fleece enough cash out of the public with those phone-in scams? Cunts.

  20. The Ant one has had more strikes against his name than a 70’s Labour government and STILL ends up smelling of roses!

    Anyone else would have been pilloried and been out of work for the rest of their lives.

    Useless cunt!

    • What really got me with McPartlin after he was done for drink driving was all the soppy cunts who came out saying that they felt sorry for him, that he was ‘under stress’ and shit. Even bigger cunts than he is!

  21. I still can’t get my head round the phenomenon that is Ant and Dec.
    They do exist? I’m not imagining them? We’re all having the same hallucination?

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