David Attenborough (5)

A nom please for David Attenborough. Now I’ve always respected the grand old duckie of the natural history world, but lately I’ve noticed his ever-increasing cuntitude for three reasons. In ascending order these are:

1) Every nature documentary now seems to feature a bombastic orchestral score, twice as loud as the commentary, which would be more at home as something Hans Zimmer would have scored for the climax of an ’80s action film where two 100,000-strong hordes of grizzled Viking warriors fight to the death at the gates of Valhalla; do we really need it when watching two inch-long beetles having the equivalent of a pissed-up slap-fight outside the club at 2am over the last piece of chubby worn-out beetle snatch?

2) The cuntish “making-of” bits added on at the end of every show to pad the running time. I don’t give a fuck how Jonty the cameraman suffered so while taking his £250,000 camera that we bought for him on an all-expenses paid jaunt to Africa on our dollar. These are the equivalent of DVD extras – difference being those are separate to the film, you know why Dave? Cos NO CUNT WATCHES THEM.

3) The ever-increasing preachiness. Every other line is “going extinct this, deforestation that, global warming the other”; it’s just one massive guilt trip aimed at the viewer, the agenda being you – white Westerner = BAD, indigenous dark keys who haven’t advanced past the Bronze age yet = GOOD. Tell you what, the day you sign over all your millions to one of these causes you can start lecturing me.

Nominated by Cuntan the Cuntarian

47 thoughts on “David Attenborough (5)

  1. Old Dave was never a patch on Armand and Michela Dennis for me, but in recent years he has become so fucking pompous, a sort of natural history Michael Heseltine, and he sounds as disapproving as a Bishop talking about sin.

    I suspect he has the hots for Greta Thunburg, who probably creams her knickers every night over her picture of St David

  2. Much preferred Johnny Morris’s ‘Animal Magic’. He had the right approach to our relationship with animals. Not always to be ‘studying’ them.

    • Good nom Cuntan!👍
      Miles you beat me to it, Johnny Morris was the best!
      David Attenborough cant do comedy voices for the animals so in my mind loses badly.
      Davy &Dickie Attenborough of a sort=luvvie duckies.
      Anyway you not dead yet Dave?
      Well hurry up! People are waiting!!

      • Shame about old David Bellamy snuffing it the other day, he was a genuine character unlike old Dave. Blacklisted long ago for saying global warming was bollocks (I’m sure as Gretchen and “THE SCIENCE” tell us there’s partial truth to it – thing is I don’t fucking care). About time Dave shuffled off to meet his queeny brother Dickie in the afterlife.

    • I loved Animal Magic as a kid.

      Johnny Morris was the dog’s bollocks back then, especially when he imitated animals with voice-overs.

      No preaching, no “the end of the world is nigh!”; just pure entertainment while being educational as well.

      As for Attencunt – He was good 30 or 40 years ago, but has become a bitter and twisted old man which not a lot to say anymore other than telling the Western World you’re all a bunch of cunts killing the planet!

      Of course he fails to mention over-population, especially in Africa; and fails to mention how many Air Miles he and his BBC team clock up when they fuck off to Outer Mongolia to film 30 seconds of a rare butterfly eating a carrot!

      I’m sure St Greta is the secret lovechild of Attenberg – she’ll be carrying his virtue signalling torch when he finally pops his clogs!

  3. At 5.30 on a Sunday afternoon why would I want to watch Buffalo fucking each other and some other beast feasting on the bones of Chris Packham? and me continually told what a cunt you are for even breathing?

    I’ll stick to repeats of Columbo thanks.

    • Just imagine if the tables were turned and a Snow Leopard presented a film he had made on the mating habits of Diane Abbott and Steptoe, or knowing how PC the BBC are today, the mating habits of the qu. eer peers Mandy and Adonis? Teatime or evening it would be horrendous.

      • I’m actually amazed now you mention it that so far we haven’t been treated to suspiciously “doctored” footage of animals engaging in what these days must be normal behaviour; a pre-op elephant seal perhaps who has decided to swap genders and now swims about wearing a glittery bikini, while trying to keep they’s muscular veiny flippers hidden from sight?

  4. RT I always picture as a meerkat popping his head up when he posts. I, of course, a rare delicate gazelle. If you were an animal Miserable what would you be?

    • Im not sure Miles, if choosing id pick something majestic like a wolf or eagle, but if you mean what i resemble probably a bear suffering baldness.

      • I thought MNC might exaggerate just a touch by saying he is a cheetah or leopard – sleek, fast, powerful, stealthy etc.

        But I rather suspect the reality is more like a sloth hanging upside down from a tree, scratching its bollocks and wondering what time of day it is, ha!

  5. Johnny Morriss was better than that Attenborough cunt… I’m surprised we don’t see ‘Sir David’ lapping up his freebies on the filmed in November Jools Holland’s Cuntenanny, alongside all the other BBC Royalty cunts…

  6. “See how the majestic lesser-known Mud Slime bird stealthily enters the territory of its endangered relative, the Pale Gammon bird; note its magnificent all-black plumage, just the eyes visible. Isn’t she beautiful? She will now seek to turf the other birds from their nests while breeding as rapidly as possible to ensure a healthy brood of baby Mud Slimes, which will go on to occupy all the places in the local bird schools. Oh look, an elderly pale Male has challenged her; she may respond by reporting him for birdism to the authority birds, or perhaps building a jacket of thorns and sharp twigs to wear which she can then expel at speed by puffing her chest out.”

  7. yeah i have to agree on music in nature programmes. In the 70’s i don’t recall any fucking music at all in them. Much more watchable and less irritating.

  8. Urgent whispered commentary backed up with a lecture on how we are cunts. But, if you think that’s wearying try an evening with Chris Packham. My son in law got us tickets (he knows I love animals etc) Fuck me what a boring cunt. Fucking Rainman with a quiff.

    • Rain man with a quiff!!

      Hahaha-dazzlingly spot on!!

      I used to quite like the rather overexcitable Steve Backshaw. Now I’m just envious he’s married that blisteringly hot Olympic rower. Oh well.

  9. Basil Brush was ten times better than this fucking gonk waffling on about zebras with tesco carrier bags on their heads.
    What a load of BBCistab woke dog shit.
    Fuck off and see a gorilla.

  10. We used to watch him but the final ten minutes is akin to a charity ad. You fully expect a “give generously” at the conclusion.

    The best programmes he did were in the 80s. There was one where these huge whales were tossing seals in the air before eating them. Another showed these chimpanzees chasing a monkey then pulling it apart to eat it. Brutal but unmissable. No preaching whatsoever.

    • Do they still show those scenes of animals hunting & eating other animals in these shows?

      I ask because I am sure I read somewhere quite recently that Millennials find it incredibly “distressing” and feel upset about it, and want such things cut out or banned altogether.

      There you go, it take a lot of guts.


      • Fuck me that’s one rock hard impala!! Don’t see anything near as graphic on al beeb TC, as you say it does seem watered down for snowflake consumption. As General S said above I remember seeing chimps dismembering each other and the like years ago, like everything else these days it has to be edited from reality

        They kill each other but tend to dismember and eat other primates, meet the hardest Chimps on the planet. (silly comments will be moderated)


      • He should have stuck his horns into the hyena and then he could have been called Vlad the impala.

      • Different times eh…. imagine the snowflakery if we tried to bring that back!! Mind you the Spaniards are pretty close on a lot of their jolly “festivals”

      • I watched that on telly admin, fascinating.
        Also watched footage of a chimp beating up a tv naturalist!
        He fell in a river and that probably saved his life.
        Also dunno if anyone can put on a link where the bear attacks that woman in a tv studio? The owner (of the bear not the woman) is in karate pyjamas and thinks shouting “haaii’ and karate chopping it will stop it!
        It doesnt.


        its Russian, Not sure what the guy with the conductors baton is trying to achieve.

        sorry I got caught up in this one, obviously the frying pan is not mightier than the baton as far as Grizzly bears are concerned


      • Blimey, old Bruin didn’t like the cut of her jib did he!! All the crew and such didn’t exactly rush to offer any assistance did they

      • I like the daft bint shouting “play dead honey, play dead!!!” Give him a couple of minutes, no playing necessary….. “that’s it honey, you’re doing a really convincing job… that fake scalp you’ve torn off to stuff in his mouth is really slowing him up, keep at it!!!”

      • Im the same admin, id like a fry up before i shuttle off the mortal coil.
        He played dead in the end didnt he?

      • You were right MNC, matey’s Jackie Chan noises didn’t seem to deter the bear too much from trying to remove that woman’s face from her skull

  11. Would love to watch the old cunt up against a tree, with his trousers around his ankles being banged from behind by a gorilla.

    Probably won’t happen though as most of them are in London walking around with knives

  12. ‘two inch-long beetles having the equivalent of a pissed-up slap-fight outside the club at 2am over the last piece of chubby worn-out beetle snatch?’
    That made me laugh aloud Cuntan, thank you.

    • Positive feedback always welcome GH!! Negative feedback can fuck off though. I can’t actually say I hate the Guardian right now, seeing the hordes of spastic snowflakes in the comments unable to accept defeat in the election is a nonstop source of hilarity at the moment!! 😂

      • Well they’re in the minority, as is the Guardian readership as a whole.

        They can huff & puff all they want, but the fact is they lost two general elections in two years; and they can bang on about Brexit being the decisive factor all they want, but the fact is they didn’t change the hearts & minds of most of the electorate despite all the bullshit promises.

        They just need to get over it and rebuild, starting with ridding itself of the Momentum Group.

  13. A well deserved cunting Cuntan.
    What a whopper of a cunt…telling me abaaaht this and that climate change.
    Listen Dave Go fuck yourself you old cunt, how much pollution do you and your (at least) 20 strong team cause traveling the world in Land Rovers, chopping down rain forest etc so you can make your done to death documentaries. Piss off.
    A sub contracted aaaaht side cunting by myself for those fat cunt Chef’s who have their shows which basically follow them around the world stuffing their fat gobs and telling us how nice it is, saw that Rick Stein cunt driving abaaaht in France in a Porsche…the fat red faced alchy cunt…fuck off,
    Worst of all are those Palin around the world or that other cunt who fly all over the world ‘Educating’ us abaaaht other countries most (not me of course) can’t afford to go to.
    What a pile of cunt.
    I hope the natives cook the fat cunts in stew.

    Sorry BWC, you are not being moderated, your location is close to a shitbag who causes problems and anything from that area will go straight into moderation.

    • Yes BWC, I cant think of one sleb chef I wouldn’t gladly garotte with one of their own branded cheese wires (£39.99 in John Lewis). Oliver, Martin, cunts one and all. I would fuck Nigella to death though (as long as she didn’t talk)

  14. The tacked-on making-of bits have been around for a while. They’re unnecessary and cheapen the whole spectacle with mundane docusoap bollocks ‘ bob the cameraman had to go up to the canopy layer, but halfway up needed a shit’.

    Good for him. Shut up and film those gibbons.

    As for the ‘rousing over-done and emotionally manipulative scores, i really notice it in the Frozen planet’. There’s no conplaint about the work of the camera units but it’s al the post-production that makes these presentations very soppy and emotive compared to Life In Earth.

  15. I think it should be law that any television personality, wildlife expert, and conservationist has to rugby tackle and wrestle all of their subject matters à la Steve Irwin. You always knew that daft Aussie cunt was gonna come a cropper. I would pay good money to see Attencunt wrestle a honey badger and tell us; `he’s a little bit grumpy ‘.

  16. Johnny Morris used to narrate ”Tales of the Riverbank” on TV, the animals (real ones) used to get to drive cars and motorboats, so stick that in your pipe Davy boy, animals are all for motorised transport, probably in order to get away from yourself and your intrusive cohorts, fuck off

  17. I don’t recall hearing him bleat on about idiotic chinks who buy elephant tusks and rhino horns from thick black poachers.! Also why is it that Chin kee’s can run power stations by burning old tyre’s but we here get slated for having a log burner.!

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