I admit to a liking for aftershave, the cheaper the better. I like the sting and the astringent smell although it seems to disappear before I have even left the bathroom. My wife hates my cheapo brands so when she goes off to places like Paris and Rome, generally without me but don´t ask me what she´s up to, she always comes back with some shaving stuff for me. She has obviously paid a fortune for it (or should I say I have paid via our “joint” credit card) and it has always been a waste of money. She never buys me what I want but comes back with after and pre-shave balms, unguents and creams, none of which I like. She then interrogates me every time I shave.

Remember the Sam Goldwyn quote “How much did you love the movie?”. Well that´s how it is. “Did you like the after shave? Was it good? Was it great?” I have to coo with delight as if she had made it with her own fair hands instead of picking it up in the duty free before walking past the Armagnac (which I would much prefer).

Loving it means loving her. Well that´s how she sees it. When I approach her afterwards, swathed in whatever it is, instead of dragging me off to the bedroom, she says something like, “Mother´s just invited us to round on Sunday, won´t that be lovely? Could you give me my phone. I want to see some pictures of cousin Maisie on Facebook. She´s in Disneyland and has posted some pictures of her and Donald Duck.”

Oh for the days of my pre-bumfluff youth and aftershave never existed.

Nominated by Mr Polly

59 thoughts on “Aftershave

  1. Sounds like a world of pain.

    Never use the stuff and keeping a woman happy seems like a one way street.

    But whatever works for you.

  2. I used to wear it years ago mr Polly,
    Isey miyake, the missus loved it!!
    But dont bother nowadays, not shaved in years!
    Use a scented beard oil though an smell bit like chocolate.
    Underlayer of dog an deisel.

    • I used to buy issey miyake for hubby every year and I was a big Chanel fumpf fan.

      Now we live in remote countryside, we’re lucky to have a shower every couple of days!

      • It does smell nice Cuntologist doesnt it?
        But always covered in mud, sawdust, doghair etc
        Cant see the bleeding point!

        You happier out in sticks though eh?
        Nice, our dream that!👍

      • I recommend it. No neighbours except sheep. Nobody cares how you smell. If the postie turns up I keep my distance lol

      • Blimey, I thought it was just me with fuck all better to do this time of morning MNC!!

  3. I know this nomination it’s about aftershave, but it reminded me of my mother, Dessert Spoontington, she would wear Chanel No. 5. I always remember it being quite musky.

    I think my father, Table Spoonington wore Brut. That green stuff in a glass bottle. Or sometimes Old Spice.

    I remember my grandfather kept a bottle of hi karate and a
    matching bar of soap somewhere about his house.

    Boots hair tonic reminds me of my grandfather. Dog bless him.

  4. When I was a kid I remember a mate of mine who really hated his step dad so he frequently used to put a few drops of piss into his cedar wood aftershave. .

  5. I was on a house clearance few month back and found a bottle of chanel no5 unopened, gave it the missus.
    I wear cheap deodorant from aldi 75p and people keep saying is it john paul gaultier!!! Hehee

    • Thanks for that, I’d forgotten how shit some adverts were back in the day, although the women were often gorgeous.

  6. When I went off to boarding school, aged 13, the dormitory captain, told me and my new mates to put Old Spice on our genitals to give ourselves a sexual thrill. I can still feel it.

    • That was you were it Wanksock? Oh how we laughed!!

      If memory serves you were known as Wiggins back then.

      Do you remember when Sir spilled that white Brasso onto your botty hole one time? Came up lovely and shiny once he’d rubbed it clean!

    • The headmasters hands or the Old Spice?

      Personally, I like a nice splash of aftershave preferably eau de parfum, and have a few favourite bottles in the bathroom. There’s nothing wrong with having a bit of pride in your appearance, it doesn’t make you one of those Kraft beer drinking hipster cunts.

      I’m fucking glad my Christmas shoppings done for the year, as I’ve spent an afternoon fighting my way past mobility scooters and fat fuckers. blocking aisles.

    • I know of a young fellow who once performed a similar trick; thinking that Deep Heat would be a suitable lubricant. It wasn’t.

  7. I wear the one Jonny Depp advertisers on TV
    Sauvage Mrs bought it in September for my birthday I needed a defibrillator when she told me how much it cost 👎
    On a footnote anyone got Martin Peters in the Deadpool ? Another one of the famous 11 gone 🇬🇧

  8. Its unlikely that me or the wife will be buying each other anything this Christmas.
    For the last month or so we’ve both been going to bed wearing boxing gloves.
    In the mornings, as soon as the alarm goes off, it’s trainers on, headband on and we’re running through the streets while listening to ‘Eye of the Tiger.’
    We’ve spoken to a councillor who explained that it’s not uncommon for couples to go through the occasional rocky patch….

  9. Aftershave is a Cunt?

    Eau de toilette, shit loads of cash for ethanol and water with a bit of perfume.

  10. I get boxed standard Paco Rabanne bought for me for Xmas, birthday and father’s day by my girls. Sees me through the year. Used to buy Armani years ago, fuck that shit now…too fucking tight at nearly £70 a bottle.

  11. Aftershave is for smelly people who think that someone else’s smell will get them sex. It won’t. You either have it or you don’t. No amount of smell will make up for a tiny cock.

    • Your order from Brut, along with your weekly Viagra will be delivered tomorrow. Please ensure there’s enough room for the pallet.

  12. My Favourite is essence of Rubbish bin with cat piss, made by Grand Union Canal.

  13. Are we not men?

    Soap*and water – that’s me done, full fucking stop.

    I may be a Puff, but I ain’t no poof!

    *Simple™ for sensitive skin….

    • Evening Ruffy. How do?

      I remember an advert for Simple soap with Joanna Lumley from a while ago. There’s spray paint on a flower, with her silky voice in the background.

  14. I use my own concoction distilled from IPA infused with y-front gusset. Old Scrotum for that manly smell.

  15. Didn’t she do British Gas ads?
    “Don’t you just love being In control?”
    Aaah, the erotic notes of mer captoethanol…

  16. Fucking hell, this thread bring back some memories from my teen years! Brut, Hai Karate, Denim, Old Spice, Pagan Man, Blue Stratos, Tabac, Mandate.. I’ve used them all! None of them were any helpful in my quest for a shag though. A good booby fondling and fingering Linzi up an alleyway was all I got ffs…

  17. Pop into Lidl, they do two men’s fragrances. One is called X-Bolt and is a copy of a Hugo Boss the other is called Number 1 and I think it’s a copy of Million. Both are unbelievable, superb stuff and my daily fragrance. No one can tell they are cheap as chips. Same goes for the ladies one called Madame Glamour Suddenly. It’s amazing stuff.

  18. I don’t need A nice fragrance to get me a nice woman, my dashing looks, charm, charisma and style guarantee the female attention.
    I do like to smell as good as I look though…may I recommend Bvlgari, Boss and Terre de Hermes.
    Now fuck off.

  19. Another memory many moons ago, my nan on my mother’s side, I remember the smell. She’d spray it on lightly. Sometimes she’d let me have a little spray.
    It was a clean smell. Not a strong smell. Sort of like eau de Cologne.
    A glass bottle with a gold lid and green label with gold numbers.

    She used to get that whilst in Germany. It wasn’t a name it was just numbers. I can’t think what they were.

  20. Chanel Allure Pour Homme Sport…

    Women cream their knickers over it.

    Go on a night out wearing this and you are guaranteed a fuck… joking I am not.

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