Tom Allen

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Tom Allen is a smug, self-satisfied, snide little cunt. Who is he you say?

Well, he’s one of the new breeds of comedian – which is newspeak for he’s not funny. He’s a regular on shit panel shows, like ‘8 out of cunts do cuntdown’ and now apparently, so my lady friend tells me, on ‘The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice’ with Jo (John Sergeant in drag) Brand.

With his affected, wannabe upper-class accent and his natural talent for looking down on everyone who isn’t him, he has firmly established himself as being a complete cunt. Being a spiteful, poisonous little queen in a smart suit doesn’t make you funny sir. It makes you a spiteful, poisonous little queen.

Given the fact that he looks like ‘Brain’ from the 90’s cartoon ‘Pinky and the Brain’ (I grew up in the 90’s, so please indulge me. You’ll find the resemblance is uncanny) he shouldn’t be quite so smug and quick to put others down.

Also being gay isn’t a substitute for a personality. I’ve a friend who is gay and he’s fairly straight acting. He hates the gays that live up to the stereotype.

In his own words he said that Kenneth Williams did the haughty, sneering old queen act better and that Tom Allen is taking the gay stereotype back to the days of John Inman and Frankie Howerd. But no doubt the MSM will think he’s fucking brilliant and worship the ground he minces on.

He’s probably sort of cunt that would read this website and then use it for his own material.

If you’re reading this Tom: you’re a cunt.

Nominated by Harold Steptoe

101 thoughts on “Tom Allen”

  1. Great cunting Harold. This fuckin’ mincer makes my blood boil every time I see him. Do I loathe him because he’s gay? No, it’s just that he’s as funny as an outbreak of piles.

    • Never heard of this cunt, Bertie, but an “outbreak of piles” you say ? Jesus wept – I had no idea haemorrhoids were contagious

      • Don’t be pedantic Seymour. It is defined as “a sudden occurrence of something unwelcome.”
        If piles are not unwelcome, what are!

      • ADMIN – My comment here @7.07 has come out of moderation. However, what has happened to about
        6 more which were moderated this evening?
        Is there a conspiracy afoot?

    • This smug, irritating pile of shite is about as funny as face cancer.

      He is in need of a smack…by a fucking 2 by 4

      Fuck off

  2. The absolute template of a cunt.

    I notice that he’s also taken over ‘The Apprentice You’re Fired’ from Rhod Gilbert. Another cuntin’ reason not to watch it.

  3. Never heard of the cunt, but no doubt he is the sort of delicate snowflake who doesn’t mind dishing it out, but will take great offence if anyone has a pop at him. (And no doubt he’ll play the Gay Card if they do!)

  4. My wife likes this mincing, jumped up, unfunny little cunt. Reminds me of Larry Grayson, except Grayson could be funny in a strange way.

    • Why do women always like a pooftah. Lady C has a (male) gay friend. Somehow, I don’t think she would see it the same if I came home with a stunning lezza.

  5. Larry Grayson was really funny.
    Never heard of this bloke, take everyones word for it hes a cunt,
    Im happy to hate him without knowing anything about him!
    Dunno about looking down on people hes looking up at something in the picture?
    Someone on a bridge going to drop a paving stone on him?

      • Hey Ron your nom from last nights gone?
        Cant see it anywhere, think its because of your mate?
        Cuban heels?

      • Ruffy, I need your advice. For the first time, I’ve just had a double moderation. When they reappear, can you let me know why?

      • Weird it came back!
        Think its this phone, Android my arse!
        Brain the size of a planet like Marvin?
        No i get the Harvey Price of Android’s!
        Fuckin bag of shite.

      • I don’t think it ever went away Miserable.

        What did go away however was Cüba lïbre’s post… ☹️😂

        @ Blunty. Which posts?

        I saw one of yours that came back, couldn’t see any reason why it would have gone into moderation though.

    • He’s probably recalling the previous evenings antics at Elton and David’s mansion.

    • Aye up guys. Don’t think my ‘Govt of National Security’ nom has been off, Miserable. Must be your phone, mate?

      • No but the comment from the guy who had a go at you has been removed.
        I think it’s because you’re a national treasure Ron.

    • Being a racist, Nazi, homophobic, islamaphobic, transphobic, xenophobic, woopdidlydophobic. He’s in the fucking underground shower with the rest of the cunts. Getting a bit busy down here Maureen.

  6. I had thankfully forgotten this cunt, as after seeing him on the box a few times I got into the habit of quickly changing channels whenever the smug cunt appeared. I hope I never meet this cunt as the mere sight of his soppy face gives me an almost uncontrollable urge to headbutt the cunt. Then stick a few boots in when he’s on the ground. As for his “act”, from what I remember it solely consisted of him making sure everyone watching was aware that he’s a poof. That’s it. Unfunny arse-bandit cunt.

    • Nevermind this cunt Beemack, you get rancheros crisps still in Ireland dont you?
      They as good as I remember them?

      • Yes MNC, certain shops still do them so whenever I spy them, I grab a multipack! Yes buddy, they’re scrumptious mmm

      • Just ordered a box off Amazon, giddy to try them now!
        True that’ luck of the irish’ isnt it?
        Your tucking into rancheros and us with that fuckin wingnut linekers ugly mug on our crisps!

      • Yip, we also have Tayto crisps (the Northern Ireland ones made in Tayto Castle in Tandragee) which have more flavour than the ones old big ears advertises. And Mr Tayto looks more human than Linecunt.

      • Just checked Amaz-shite.

        Rancheros £20 for a box of 24 – get to fuck !
        83p a bag – I ain’t Rockerfellar !

        I’ll stick to 7 bags of Frazzles for £1 thanks

    • Needless to say the little poof is often welcomed on Wireless 4 and has had a couple of series out of them in the 6.30 “comedy” slot which is usually as funny as the third world war.. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to this pompous Stephen Fry rip-off

  7. The bar is set far too low these days. I came across him one day (So to speak) and I was unable to work out what the fuck he was meant to be. Thank you for enlightening me. Mind you, if I never see him again it will be a week too soon.

    • I imagine that he quite enjoys people coming across him and preferably up him, the jumped up, unfunny fucking tosspot. Syphillis is funnier!

  8. Great job of cunting, Harold.
    I hate this brand of up their own arse, smug, condescending cunts with a will. The wife sometimes watches ‘Mock the Week’ and I have to leave the room, because otherwise I’d put my foot through the screen. The sneery cunts on there, with their superior attitude, epitomise this type of arsehole.
    Come back Bernard Manning, with your so un-pc, everyone’s a cunt type of humour, and give us a laugh, for fuck’s sake.

    • The blessed Bernard is much missed and mourned. It seems an eternity since we had real comedians.

      • So true – no comedians tell jokes anymore. They just make (unfunny to me) observations. Cunts.

      • The unfunny cunts make up observations, you’d think they’d be funny making shite up but they’re not
        That squint eyed cunt Russell howard and nepotist Jack Shitehall being prime examples

        CUNTS

  9. Supercilious cunt of the first water no doubt a liberal right on twat then to compound his many failings a bleeding self aggrandising sausage jocky, Tom Allen me old mate you are a weapons grade waste of space, CUNT.

  10. Seen this cunt on the telly before and he’s just got that typical “look how gay I am” act that the drooling suck ups like to see….
    He thinks that just coz he’s gay, he’s funny.
    When we said that you were “funny” we didnt mean it like that you cunt.

    • He tries to be edgy but forgetting the likes of Larry Grayson, Frankie Howerd and John Inman were streets ahead of him and far more funny in a self-deprecating way!

  11. It’s a sad fact of life that the telly is now full of these unfunny arse bandits This shit pusher is not funny but He thinks he is? I’m amazed anyone would want to watch this unfunny bandit on any program Humour like this we hoped died out with John Inman. Being bent is not a crime but please don’t over do it or test our patience with these totally unfunny up their own arse queens

  12. Kenneth Williams and Larry Grayson, were camp but it was the way they used to tell stories and the everyday observations of real life things that made them great.

    I remember watching an interview with Kenneth Williams and he’d start to do all these different voices as we was talking and was great to watch.

    Now its all just the same joke repeated.

      • I used to listen to ‘Beyond Our Ken’ and ‘Round The Horne’ on the radio when I was a kid. Kenneth Williams didn’t sound particularly gay to me, just kind of eccentric. The difference between him and comics today is, he made you laugh.

  13. The thing is, the leftist echo-chamber audiences that these humourless cunts occupy only expect 4 jokes:

    “Orange man baaaaad!”

    “Brexit baaaaad!”

    “Boris is a Nazi!”

    “Farage is a Nazi!”

    Throw in a “More underserved free shit from Comrade Steptoe! Yaaayyy!”, “Climate denial is child abuse!” or two, and the dim digital sheeple will be clapping like seals in a fishmongers!

    Lazy bastard, on-message, PC and – most importantly – UNFUNNY fucktards to a one!

    Cunts!

  14. Judging by the header-photo, I’d guess that the Cunt has been banned from the gerbil department of Pets R Us.

    I bet the Cunt lives in Spain too.

    • He’ll be back over to Blighty for the free healthcare or in his case, a specialized department for Invasive Small Rodent Removal.

    • I remember someone telling me that’s how the Pet Shop Boys got their name. Never quite knew if he was telling the truth or not.

      • Today’s Daily Fail included a piece about Lady Reg and David hosting a party attended by Gere and Hewitt’s ex.

        She always had a soft spot for the bum bandits.

      • Bad day sir mali? Go get yourself one of those piss weak spanish beers!
        See why i didn’t tell em im a pakistani lesbian?

      • I think I might just do that. And a nice cheap bottle of good rioja and smoke some cheap tags. Lifes a bitch.

      • I’ll give you one thing Sir Mali-you’ve got staying power!
        We can’t take your British spirit away. I think you might have left yourself a way back.

      • Cheers for that. I like to think I still have that good old bulldog spirit but things like a messy divorce, money and employment problems, gave me a way out. I have owned my house out here for many years and it gave me a stress free life. There are many of the cunts out here that you have been posting about but not all of us are that bad. I have noticed quite a few cunters on here who have moved about the British isles for a better life, some of us have just moved a little further, doesn’t stop me from being a proud Englishman

  15. I’ve seen this twat and he’s about as funny as being stuck on a Desert island with Diane Abbot. No food, no conversation and definitely no hanky panky.

    • Go on MPG! Get in there!
      Ill hold his wrists while you show him how its done! Hahaha😁

  18. Just a quick aside….

    I just lurked onto the facebook page of an incomer to the nearby village ( they think that I don’t know about facebook and I like to know what “community events” they are planning)

    “I’ve just turned left over artisan sour dough bread from the farmers market into bread crumbs in the nutribullet ready to make cassoulet next week”…..I’m fucking outraged,to be honest. My God,have these people no shame? His views on Brexit,Trump and local dignitaries often make interesting reading,but that one sentence just sums up how appalling these people are.

    One of the comments below was “Amazeballs”,…for fucks sake.

    • Gosh! Amazeballs!
      Whats a nutribullet when its at home?
      Or a cassoulet for that matter?
      You didnt bake him that sourdough bread did you?
      You fuckin did didnt you?

      • Yes,I had to look up “nutribullet and “cassoulet”….apparently a nutribullet is what normal people call a blender (don’t know why you need one to make breadcrumbs) and a cassoulet a fucking stew.
        Bake him the sourdough bread? …..I’ll bake him a hot steaming turd and post it through his fucking letterbox.

      • Not being rude Dick but im gonna cancel coming round for pigeons for tea and go your neighbours,
        Want to try cassoulet!
        Plenty of artisan bread for me please!

      • You have no idea what I have to endure from those dreadful people….although,tbf,they do seem to say pretty much the same about me.

      • Does this cunt not realise he’s moved to Ashington, twinned with Royston Vasey?
        “This is a local town for local people. There’s nothing for you here.”

    • Didn’t understand any of that. You sure it isn’t Islington that you farm? Perhaps an allotment next to Magic Grandpa?

      • It fucking might as well be to hear some of the Cunts blasting off if they think that there’s nobody around to prick their bubble.

    • “I just lurked onto the facebook page of an incomer to the nearby village ( they think that I don’t know about facebook and I like to know what “community events” they are planning)”

      I like your thinking here Mr Fiddler. Know your enemy and all that.

      • What kind of weapons grade tosser uses expressions like “amazeballs”?
        Surely justifies a Wicker Man style demise…

      • It really is an utter disgrace,BB. I’ve half a mind to drive to the Cunt’s house,ring the bell and when he answers, nut him…..see how amazeballs he thinks that is.

      • Hola, Mr. Steptoe….I’ve baffled the buggers a few times by knowing their plans. Recently they were going to hold a “spontaneous” music night in my local. Guitars,singing etc….I quickly arranged a dart’s night for the same evening involving members of The Young Farmers against the Rugby club…that put a stop to any thoughts of them caterwauling.

      • Yes artisan music; every single outbreak must be immediately stomped-out. Yours was a brilliant ploy

    • Thanks for the prompt, Dick,

      Just last night saw a roadside sign advertising artisan-made cheese. What in fucks name is that are they carving statues out of big blocks of cheese?

      And before that another roadside sandwich board offered several up-the-khyber treats including ‘coffee enemas’. Where the artisan is, I presume, a retrained bumista.

      And this is in Oz so shows how far the utter twattery has metastasised.

    • Amazeballs sounds very camp very Philip Schofield when he is being one of the girls

  19. .Cunters, How long do you think the likes of Dave Allen or Bernard Manning would last today? If indeed in the current PC shite climate would they be arrested by the thought police about 30 seconds in.

  20. With tremendous gratitude I can say I’ve never seen nor heard of this soggy bummer.
    However it does seem quite likely that he is a fucking disgusting cunt.
    Plus I think it’s safe to say that’s as he’s on a Channel 4 contract he’s about as funny as a Labourist government.
    Get fucked.

  21. Isn’t it funny, not funny ha ha but funny in an ironic sense that cunts like this and I genuinely haven’t heard of him/them/they before are just those same types that believe picking fun at some minority, be that ‘the gays’, the poor, the Oirish, the wimminz, the spacks, dark keys,
    fatties you name it in the name of humour is outrageous.

    Yet picking fun at Brexit voters, older ones in particular, Trump supporters, Tory’s, Nigel Farage, ‘climate deniers’ et al is fine, open season in fact.

    A bit like those fucking cretins called ‘resisting whiteness’ they simply don’t get the irony of their position.

    Bring on the revolution.

    My death list is getting longer by the day.

  22. Why are modern comedians all shit? There isn’t one who makes me even smile. And don’t get me started on fat cunt McIntyre. I had the utter misfortune to catch five minutes of his fucking show and he was talking about why, when you go out to dinner, you finish with coffee that keeps you awake. That was his entire premise. And the fucking audience were having a cow. I don’t know what sort of dinner nights he has, but mine is planned that when it’s time to go home, I am pissed out of my brains. Fuck coffee

  23. There are funny comedians out there, you just won’t see them on the idiot screen. It’s difficult to be funny when there are so many topics which are verboten. There’s a Jazz and Soul place in Streatham which has comedy nights. I’ve been to a couple.
    There was one bloke, a black geezer, who had me in stitches. He started off having a pop at Somalis, then cunts who pull the race card, The Flabbott, Nottiing Hill Carnival and, of course remoaners. Don’t ask me his name, don’t remember any names. Too fucking pissed.
    Anyway if you want comedy you have to seek it out……it won’t come to you through the magic lantern.

  24. No idea wh’s a celebrity or not these days – hard to tell – is the bbc birthing them evry ten minutes – all no mark fucking cunts if you ask me

  25. Any cunt who has been in the papers or on the telly for ten minutes can be a sleb these days. It’s just a question of careful management. Look at the no talent bums like Gemma Collins, Joey Essex, Rylan Fuckface and many others who i’ve never heard of. Fat Reg may be a queer, arrogant fucking remoaner cunt but he does have a talent that appeals to a lot of people.
    These other cunts, like that Geordie orange bitch off Gogglebox, have very good agents who earn their fucking money.

    • Theres a comedian called Geoff Norcott whos a Tory and does stuff about brexit, remoaners etc
      Dunno how good he is though

  28. A very poor imitation of Larry Grayson. Whilst clearly a lightfoot, Grayson was deliberately ambiguous in his act. Self deprecating, genuinely funny and a real talent who passed way too early.

    This Tom Allen shit opens his act by declaring his h0m0 pecadilloes. As subtle as a chop to the carotid. Arrogant, smug and someone who believes his act is pioneering and unique. No, Allen. You are a marmite derricking twat who is about as funny as Stage 4 bone cancer.

    Fuck off.

    • That Allen fella is a naff comedian.
      If the only thing that defines himself is his sexuality.
      “I’m gay”. Yeah so?

      Just like Lenny Henry these days when he does the same but with his skin colour.
      “I’m black”. Right. Now what?

  29. The BBC probably auditioned a few comedians and perhaps had one or two good ones. But as soon as this mincer came on stage with his limp wrist, girly voice and ‘Oooh get her!’ attitude, they probably signed him up without even seeing his ‘act’.

    Only woofters, lezzas, dark keys and parking stanleys need apply.

  30. If you audition and fail just say, “But I shove stuff up my arse for kicks” and they’ll backtrack and say, “Sign here.”

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