I’m finally not working a Saturday and so why not capitalise on this welcome surplus of free time cunting, ‘People Who Stink of Weed On The Bus’?

As if smoking weed regularly isn’t already the habitual equivalent of destroying your ambition, drive, basic logical reasoning, working memory and ability to look someone clearly in the eye and have a half-way decent conversation without shiftily drooling out inane, rambling bullshit, it also stinks of a badger’s arse after it’s been busy renting it out all weekend at a local homeless shelter. It’s fucking disgusting.

So, when a local autistic DJ gets on my bus home on a Friday night in his canvas khakis, anxiously gripping a record bag, sporting the oily, pallid complexion of Gollum and the kind of open-mouthed expression that completely repels lucrative job offers, the last thing I want to smell is the unmistakable foul stench of condensed, freeze-dried, weapon-grade ganja polluting my fucking air space (and every other poor sod on the bus with me).

Luckily, gone are the days when snotty herbert young kids thought it ‘cool’ to play shite repetitive music from their phones at the back of the bus. I mean, it’s hard enough containing my rage on a tightly wound, panic chamber of a busy local bus at the best of times, without the added misery of the Bluetooth amplified din of syncopated hi-hats and mumbled ‘social commentary’ to go with it. In these moments, preventative and punitive sentencing for murdering children is the only bulwark between me and a hard stretch. And don’t they fucking know it?

But, I digress. The thing to replace that previous public nuisance is these dopey, fucking carbuncles. Advice for weed smokers who might be leaving the house and catching a bus to your mate’s basement for another life-stalling smoke-up sesh:

1) Change your clothes. The chronic-encrusted wax jacket you’ve been replacing your actual skin with for two years is now past its sell-by-date. Even snakes shed their skin. And they don’t smell like a giant’s arse has just exploded all over them. Heard of a launderette? Save a few quid on not buying that 8th of Acapulco Gold today, splash out on some basic grooming and wash your civvies, you grim cunt.

2) Get a fucking job and stop wasting all your ‘downtime’ dulling your God-given faculties with a ‘natural herb’ you BELIEVE is giving you a shamanic window onto another plane of thinking, when actually it’s making you painfully embarrassing to listen to, MORE
depressed, totally unemployable, inarticulate, locked into a self-perpetuating, vicious cycle of poverty, and WORST OF ALL, robbing anyone of any way to discern any actual signs of life within that petrified husk of a corporeal vessel you call ‘you’. You smell like gum disease, you fetid, fucking cunt.

3) Or, just don’t get on the 9:59 pm Loop bus from Broadstairs to Ramsgate Mon-Fri. Cheers mate.

Nominated by Jimmy-Block-Bottom

Dateline 5th October: Edinburgh

“Good morning. This is IsAC’s political correspondent Ron Knee speaking to you. I’m standing in front of the Scottish parliament, where a motley crew of demonstrators is preparing to set off on a march through the city. With me is Mr Angus McCoathupp, one of the organisers. Tell me, Mr McCoathupp; what exactly is going on here?”.
‘Aye. Wuz marchin’ cos th’ people aw Scortlund wunt hendependence. Th’ people aw Scortlund wunt ah referendum ken’.
“Erm, actually the name’s Ron. But tell me, wasn’t there a referendum on this matter quite recently? Didn’t ‘the people of Scotland’ as you call them, vote to stay in the Union? Wasn’t the referendum termed ‘a once in a lifetime event’ by the SNP?”.
‘See youse Jimmy, that wus then, this is noo, ken’.
“Ron. But Mr McCoathupp, all the polls suggest that the majority of Scots don’t want another referendum, and that if there was one, you’d lose again. Then what would happen?”.
‘Aye. Wull. Then we’d stamp wa little feet an’ shout an’ scweam and scweam, cos aw them Unionists is traitorous Tory scum, an’ they’re auld, an’ theck as mince, and didna ken wut they wus votin’ aboot… o’ flewer o’ Scortlund…’.
“Yes, well, thank you Mr McCoathupp (and might I suggest that you seek medical advice about that swivelling eye?). This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.

Nominated by Ron Knee

A nomination for the cunt on the Aer Lingus flight from London City Airport, who got up from his seat just before take off, to lecture everyone about climate change and then refused to sit down again.

It didn’t occur to the cunt that the plane sat there burning fuel and polluting the air for several minutes before returning to the terminal where the cunt was removed by police, and then had to take on more fuel to replace what had been wasted whilst he was spouting all his bullshit.

Should have just strapped him to the underside of the wing, his constant stream of hot air could have jet thrusted the plane to Dublin. If Aer Lingus have any sense, they’ll bill the cunt for the additional fuel cost and any expenses incurred for missing their take off slot.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

Robyn Malcolm….who? Some New Zealand actress who thinks that the role of Gandalf in a new television adaptation of ‘Lord of the Rings’, should be played by a woman.

She bleats, “Those old legends, those old mystical stories, they’re so based within a patriarchal landscape”, Malcolm explained to New Zealand’s Stuff. “Why not look at the magic of a matrilineal world where the magical powerhouses are women?”

Why not? Well probably because it is just a piece of fiction written about eighty years ago, you daft cunt. Now I’m not some LOTR fanatic or ‘purist’. I read the book over forty years ago when I was a teen, but just fuck off with your tiresome gender-war bollocks, you cretinous Kiwi tosser.

Knowing the soppy New Zealanders, they’ll probably go along with it too, especially if their dopey Prime Minister Arden has anything to do with it.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

Emergency cunting for Justin Webb.

A Presenter on Radio Four, surely BBC’s most obvious biased output, Webb was interviewing the sickly looking, inbred manchild, and perennial loser, Rory Stewart, on his recent announcement that he intends to run as an independent candidate for London mayor. Webb challenged him on his decision, because his fellow candidates are both ethnic minority types, and a white Etonian ‘isn’t very 2020’.
His competition is the current mayor, proven failure and ‘Wall of Cunts’ star Khan, and conservative Shaun Bailey, who I’ve never heard of. Why does Webb have to use the race card?

There are plenty of other topics he could have used to batter him with, like him being a flip flopping loser for starters, but he had to bring ethnicity into it. Stewart just grovelled, instead of calling him a cunt, as you would expect from the feeble fucker. Fuck Webb, who must be getting extra tuition on being a self-loathing white cunt from recent nominee Jon Snow, and fuck Radio Four, which is basically a Guardian podcast.

Nominated by Gutstick Japseye