Monthly Archives: October 2019

The ‘Audible’ Ad

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The one where you HEAR Sue Perkins say ‘bum oil’.

Try to imagine cunters (audibly) listening to Sue Perkins reading a story in your ear. Intimately in your ear, that so pleased with itself voice coming through the earphones, down round your ear canals, through the eardrum, right into your brain. The Horror the Horror. Chinese water torture would be preferable.

There is a snippet of Stephen Fry as well. In that overly ‘posh’, over- preening enunciation he has developed. He should have been the one reading the ‘bum oil’ story methinks. Last but not least, David Tennant showcases his talents for a few seconds. And that’s enough. Scottish brogue I suppose.. no intelligence in it. (And nothing of interest in the books from from the brief passages). I really cannot think of a more excruciating way of getting to sleep. If I was given it for Christmas present I would have it on Alexa as the sound of the alarm. It would ensure that I got out of bed like lightning to shut it off for my most important appointments.

The soft tones of Martin Jarvis come to mind. Reading Agatha Christie. Now he has a reading voice I like.

Nominated by Miles Plastic

Mr Broccoli

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Have any of you seen this cunt?!

https://youtu.be/3Ojxs6XKILM

If he was just taking the piss out of Extinction Rebellion and Transgender activists, it would be funny. That’s the mystery. Is he for real or is he just another attention seeking twat who’s desperate for his 15 minutes of fame?? But then again, in this day and age, I wouldn’t be surprised if the NHS start funding human to plant reassignment surgery. Here’s a bit of dialogue from his appearance on GMTV:

Piers Morgan: Do you have a job?
Mr Broccoli: I just grow.

Now surely there must be a screening process to see what this cunt was all about, before putting him on TV?! But, to be fair, he does look pretty similar to the other weirdo activists who claim to have a point. GMTV probably thought he was an actual activist because it’s so hard to tell them apart!!

Nominated by Cunt me in

EMERGENCY CUNTING for Extinction Rebellion, who have now decided to try and block off the tube by sitting on top of the trains – all the while inconveniencing even more people who need to work to survive. Even some of their usual allies like Welby and Citizen Khan are criticising them this time… not very bright are they

Nominated by The Rt Hon Earl Opinionated de Cunt

The BBC (10)

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The fucking BBC.

Just watched a news report on London knife crime filmed in a hospital. The victim was white. He had a proper family. He was stabbed for his bike and phone. They didn’t say who by, but we can guess, cant we?

The only black faces were medical and support staff.

It appears from this BBC ‘in-depth’ report that white kids are involved, even if only as robbery victims. No mention was made of the real culprits. Apparently, it is an ‘urban’ problem. Liverpool, Brum, Nottingham etc. Again no reference to who the main perpetrators are.

What I got from this fearless journalism was that if you dare to have a bike and/or phone, you are the problem. Not the feral scum that infest the cities. Not the babyfathers. Not the total aversion to education. Not the total lack of aspiration. Not the culture in which these things thrive. No, it seems to be society’s fault due to lack of opportunity.

Well done BBC. Totally unbiased and fearless reporting as usual.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Mark Rylance

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Mark Rylance is a plutonium grade cunt.

I just caught sight, on the News at Ten, of this earring-wearing, scruffy cunt looking like some crusty juggler, at the Extinction Rebellion protests in the People’s Republic of Nasty Smells, aka London.

What gives this am dram fucking fairy the notion that he has some divine understanding of, and special insight into the problems the world faces, and that through his very, very important virtue signalling, he will educate and enlighten us ignorant and directionless ‘little people’?

Fuck you and the shithouse you crawled out of, Rylance. You are a grossly overrated actor and a copper-bottomed, pious old cunt to boot.

When you speak, the needle on my couldntgiveafuckometer doesn’t deflect by a picometre.

Fuck off.

Nominated by Paul Maskinback

World On Fire (BBC drama bollocks)

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The BBC’s “World On Fire” is a cunt, isn’t it?

(Riiiinng)
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Hello?
BBC CHIEF CUNT: I want an update on our new war drama? Have you complied with our request to make it Euro-friendly?
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Yes, we’ve managed to make most of the British stuffy or racist, sometimes both.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Good, good, and you’ve peppered it with Polish people, speaking in their native Dooshka-Dooshka?
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Yes, it’ll feel like a stroll down to your local town centre.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Christ. But they’re all sympathetic characters, no bad ‘uns?
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: That would contradict the purpose of the programme, Sir.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Incidentally, call casting and ensure they’re all attractive and clean, not like those gnarly, drug-dealing cunts in your local town centre.
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Got it. Good-looking, hard-working, fighting the oppressive Germans. Sorry, I mean…. Nazis.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Token strong females?
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Naturally.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Token Yanks so we can flog this expensive rubbish to them?
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Yes, but Meryl Streep is a No-show. She’s busy destroying photos of her with Weinstein. We’ll get a Streep look-a-like.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Now, we’ll need a few homosexuals.
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Of course! We’ve already crowbarred the man romance to happen in Paris.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Hmm, can it be in a jazz bar to make them more sympathetic?
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: We could make one a musician.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Yes, good. Hmm, could we make one of the homosexuals black?
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: In 1939 Paris?
BBC CHIEF CUNT: For fuck’s sake who cares about historical accuracy? We’re the BBC!
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: I’ll put a person of colour in every scene I can, Poland, France, England.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Wonderful. This’ll make great propaganda…I mean, drama.
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Must dash, Sir. I’m meeting Gina Miller and Ken Clark for lunch.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Oh, one last thing. Make one of the Nazi soldiers likeable. Give him a heart, some mercy, he spares killing some poor prisoners, or some sentimental crap.
HEAD OF PRODUCTION: Consider it done. This shit writes itself.
BBC CHIEF CUNT: Well as long as we don’t have to watch the melodramatic wank.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous