Sunburn

Posted on by

Some years ago I learned to my cost that sunburn’s a cunt.
In the early 80s, the wife and I took a holiday in Ibiza, then a hedonistic paradise offering many sensual delights, one of which being the freedom to sunbathe ‘au natural’. We spent many happy, idle hours on Playa d’en Bossa beach, slowly turning a beautiful shade of deep mahogany.
This experience was not however without incident. I should say at this point that I am fair skinned and have blond hair (Himmler would have loved me). I’m extremely sensitive to sunlight, second only to ginger nuts, and have to be careful to smother myself in high factor sun screen to avoid sunburn.
Unfortunately I made a costly first day error in Ibiza, and neglected to ensure that absolutely every bit of me was covered. Consequently by ten that night, my balls felt like a couple of well roasted plum tomatoes, which left me mincing about like Julian Clary’s houseboy for a day or so.
I learned a lesson which stayed with me; well, it did, until a very hot day last week. The wife had gone out to meet an old friend from uni, leaving me with the day to myself. I took off for a long walk, then came back to lounge about in the garden. About five o’clock, sipping wine, I began to be aware that my face was feeling a bit sore and itchy, and it dawned on me to my horror that I’d forgotten to apply sun screen.
As evening drew on, my face began to resemble a very red sweet pepper. Lying in bed feeling miserable, I made the mistake of seeking solace from Her Ladyship, reclining with her book next to me;

Me; (shuffling about) ‘my face isn’t half sore’
Her; (heavy sigh) ‘well don’t look at me. I bought you that beautiful Panama hat, cost me an arm and a leg. Do you ever wear it? I go to the trouble of making sure you’ve got factor fifty cream. First time I’m not here to ‘nag’ you as you put it, you forget it. It’s your own fault’
Me; (wheedling) ‘I fully acknowledge my ineptitude in your absence, my flower. I just wondered if you had any suggestions’
Her; (deeply exaggerated sigh) ‘actually I’ve got two. Firstly, on the dressing table you’ll find a tube of E45 cream. Stick some of that on it. Secondly, bastard well keep quiet, I’m trying to read’
Me; ‘as ever, ma petite choupette, you’re my one constant source of comfort and consolation when…’
Her; ‘oh haud yer bloody wheest!’

Well readers, you’ll be in one of two categories. Either you’ve already learned about sunburn the hard way, or it’s an experience waiting to happen. Take the advice of someone who’s almost certainly older and uglier than you. Wear a hat when in the hot sun, and smother every exposed area of skin with high factor screen. Even a mild case of sunburn’s a cunt. God knows what a really bad case would do to you. I hope I never find out.

Nominated by Ron Knee

33 thoughts on “Sunburn”

  1. Sunburn… I know naffink abaaaaaht it. Although being a naturally golden brown skinned Black and White cunt even I have to wear some protection usually at the beginning of the holiday at least. Talking of holidays in two weeks time I’ll be in Jamaica, I’ll try and keep away from the dark keys. Got the fackin Carnival before that as well. Well after all that rum and partying at least I’ll be able to relax on the beach with a fine rum and a fine lady. I’ll be thinking of you all whilst humming that ‘Underneath the mango tree’ song out of that James Bond film. Piss off.

    • Sunburn? Heard about it, but here with 24 hr rain getting gill rot is more a problem.
      Stay out of the fuckin sun and like me youll have a healthy pale pallor,
      Who wants to look like judith chalmers?

      • Ron. Should of listened to your missus and wore the panama hat!
        Bet you look like Alan Whicker in it or the man from del monte!
        Me? Flat cap type although look great in all hats!
        From turbans to tophats i look mustard!

      • Have to say you can’t beat the flat cap MNC, I’ll be taking a few to Jamaica to keep me warm on those chilly evenings.

      • Morning B&wc, loads of the old carribean blokes in northwest love a flatcap, theyre iconic!!
        That bumboy James Bond should wear a flatcap with his tuxedo, but think they thought he might be confused with Norman Wisdom?!😀

      • Hey B&wc just occurred to me,
        How hot is Jamaica this time of year?
        Bet its bit toasty to say the least?
        Have a good un!👍

      • It’s around 34 degrees everyday… I’ll be sweating my bollocks off.
        Might pop over to the Yankee infested parts and see if I can get a bit off Yankee cunt (on the hitlist) as well as getting a bit of dark meat. Lovely.

      • Another english lad coming home with a meghan markle in tow?
        Watch yersel pal!😀

      • As long as I don’t look like Geoffrey fucking Boycott in it, Miserable!
        We’re off to Gran Canaria next week so I’ll get a right earful if I don’t take it, and go on constantly to the dear lady how grateful I am that she bought it for me, bless her.

      • As long as I don’t look like Geoffrey fucking Boycott in it, Miserable!
        We’re off to Gran Canaria next week so I’ll get a right earful if I don’t take it, and go on constantly to the dear lady how grateful I am that she bought it for me, bless her.

    • Have a good holiday b&w cunt, I’m off to Yorkshire next week, like a missionary bringing civilisation to the tribes of the north.

      Ee by gum, eckie thump

      • Cheers SV, have a good one up there. Don’t know much of Yorkshire… Another place I wanna visit.

      • Have a great time, B&W; sounds like you’ve got the four s’s lined up mate, sun, sand, sea and shagging. Make sure you take a plentiful supply of johnnies as well as factor fifty!

      • Cheers Ron knee. Will definitely stock up on the johnies, need them out there.

    • As soon as I saw this cunting I just knew B&W cunt would be laughing his balls off. The cunt. Sure enough…and fucking off to Jamaica on holiday, the jammy bastard.
      Don’t forget yer flat cap.

  2. Sunburn is indeed a cunt, one of my first jobs was working for a jobbing builder creosoting rafters on an extension he was building. I got creosote on my forearms and sunburn through the creosote.

    Cunt

    • Owen Jones on bbc, we get to hear about his attack I expect. He looks unharmed to me.

      Owen Smollet?

      • Here we go again, the ‘famous’ being more worthy than we cunts. I suggest that Owen Jones was not the only person who was assaulted on Friday night and yet there is no news of any others some of whom probably got a more thorough seeing to than OJ. The supreme irony is that OJ and his ilk claim to believe that we are all equal and therefore of equal value. I sincerely hope that the ‘far right’ assaulters sue OJ for defamation. ‘We only hit him because he is a gobby cunt’.

      • Didn’t do a very good job did they? The only evidence I can find these people were far right is that they attacked jones. Once again the mythical far right is in action. Not to say there isn’t a far right but to highlight that the far right is a bogeyman blamed for any attack involving left wing icons.

        But when extremists from the left attack people they are not called out on their political leaning.

        Oh well, perhaps Owen should head for the beach and try get a healthy tan, god forbid he gets sunburn because then the sun will be branded far right.

        The sun is actually the black sun of nazi mythology….
        Fuck off owen

      • If he ever goes to the beach he’s sure to get sand kicked in his face, the gurning little shit.

    • I’ll certainly try a bit of that on the wife when we’re away next week, General. Sound advice.

    • I just stay away from the beach as it’s always full of fat pink Poms, blindingly white Paddies, fully dressed peacefuls and local theives preying on the unattended possessions of the first two.

      • I’m a bit of a pink Pom in fairness. Mrs.Schizo and I daren’t venture out into the sun. Give me Winter any day.

  4. I’m Hitler Youth, just as you are and I got my first taste of the damage the sun can do when I was only little, perhaps 5 or 6 years old. FFS we were only in Mablethorpe but I got sunstroke and spent the whole week we were there in a darkened room, feeling sick. I’ve taken care to avoid the sun since but even then I’ve managed to get sunburned through a bright white T-shirt.

  5. Keep out of the sun if your a purebred Saxon pinky we are not designed for it and the sun will feck up your brain and make you prone to allsorts of maladies and lunacy , if you want evidence of its effects watch tv newsreels from abroad whereupon you will see the native letting off guns and wailing and throwing themselves on the ground at every funeral and disaster, the closer the country to the equator the more they exhibit wildness

  6. But seriously – I’m not fairskinned and hadn’t had much problem with the sun until I spent a sunny afternoon in an open boat sans shirt. A day later…ever seen the sloughed skin of a snake? Like that. Never again. A good cunting, but looking at the drizzle today, not particularly timely.

Comments are closed.