Getting Old

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Getting Old
John Denver once sang ‘it turns me on to think of growing old’. Really? All I can say to that is ‘get to fuck’.
I’m 70, and here to testify that turning into my dad is indeed a sack of shit. I got out of bed this morning and my knees creaked like a couple of rusty old hinges. I’d already been up twice in the early hours dying on a piss, thanks to a prostate which is now roughly the size of a coconut (a prostate biopsy, now there’s a fun day out at the hospital). Naturally my eyesight’s now shot to buggery, and as usual it took me ten minutes to find my specs as I can never remember where I left them the previous night.
Make no mistake; getting old is about as attractive a proposition as being Flabbott the Hutt’s knickers. No doubt I’m regarded by many as a grumpy get, but there’s good reason for the grumpiness. I’ve never been old before, and you don’t get a chance to rehearse. Old age creeps up on you insidiously, bringing with it a host of small indignities and humiliations. Well meaning schoolchildren say ‘here sir, take this seat’ on the bus. An attractive woman who might once have coyly glanced your way now looks straight through you. There’s the total inability to ‘do’ technology, when your ten-year-old grandchild could programme the CERN particle accelerator. I used to love dancing but daren’t risk it anymore; I’m terrified that if I thrust my hip out the fucker will stay out. Next time you meet up with your mates for a pint, you’ll spend much of the evening discussing who’s found the most effective remedy for piles. There’s the angst of having the hair that once grew so thickly on your head now sprouting profusely from your nostrils and ears, and from the crack of your arse. I dread the day when I look into a mirror and find that there’s a dewdrop dangling from the end of my nose.
When I was a young man I used to dream of voyages of discovery to exotic, far away places with strange sounding names, but I never had the time or the money. Now I’ve got the time and the money, I’ve lost all inclination, and just want to doze in my sunny spot in the garden. The other night my younger and still nubile wife suggested a trip upstairs for a bit of naughty fun, to which I replied ‘sorry dear, I don’t think I can manage to do both’. Tragically, I was only half joking.  My get up and go has truly got up and gone. The journey from acid rock to acid reflux is indeed one that goes down a long and winding road, and it leads to your door.
Ah fuck it. I think I’ll put ‘Revolver’ on the turntable and open a bottle of decent Rioja. The passage of time cannot diminish all pleasures and wither all things. I’ll close with the observation that… fuck, what WAS I just about to say?

Nominated by Ron Knee

124 thoughts on “Getting Old”

  1. Ron, I’m not taking the piss, but pretty much everything you describe in your nom is the exact same for me. Except all the exotic shit. And I’m only 52. Getting old is an absolute CCCUUUNNNTTT. 🤪🤪🤪🤪🖕🖕🖕🖕

    • I’m mid 50’s and not really classed as old nowadays so I feel that a rehearsal for old age is precisely what it is since I’m falling apart.

      • I’m 57, and wheezing away like bagpipes revving up – GP told me top of left lung was partially collapsed, but this was normal after a bad chest infection. OK, so they’ve at least sent me for chest x-rays, blood tests, FINALLY a consultation with specialist next Monday, but have I actually been treated for anything ??b No. I had to ask the chemists for advice. Double up on your prescribed painkillers, chug a load of Day Nurse and Night Nurse and…err, that’s about it. I feel like I’m running on about 40%. Appetite about gone. Totally done in, for no apparent reason, aching all the time. Get up in the morning, don’t feel any bloody different; just as done in. All this in last four months. The only positive thing is that I MIGHT get to see that hot x-ray techie again, not that I have the energy for any of that any more.
        Yes, growing old is a fucking cunt. And my ex reckons I’ll be around until my 80s. JC, another 23 years…
        My deepest sympathy to y’all.

      • Cheers Ron !

        For a full recovery, some sort of diagnosis is required…
        I could hold my breath, but am not really sure where it’s gone !

  2. Quote ” I’ve never been old before, and you don’t get a chance to rehearse!” – perhaps one of the most apposite & moving descriptions regarding old age I have read in a long time!

    But you’re right – we take our youthfulness for granted; until such time where its too late to turn the clock back and all of a sudden you have become the Victor Meldrew cunt you swore you would never turn into.

    When I was in my teens back in the late 70s I used to fill out questionnaires; and one such question was a “tick the box for your age group”. There was a list, starting with something like 15-21, 22-30, 31-45, 46-60, 61-80, 81-corpse!

    Of course at the time I always ticked the first box, which made me feel young, while secretly thinking “Thank fuck I’m not in those latter boxes!”

    But over time I have been steadily shuffling along through the age groups, and now I’m in the 46-60 group.

    Another two more boxes and I’ll be fucking in one!

  3. Acid rock to acid reflux…. poetic mate

    I had no idea you were that age as your wit and to the fucking point observations seem like that of a man much younger. Nice to know that Scottish lass is still trying to keep the ol pecker up!!
    Looks like the thing I’m dreading is as bad as they say but I’m glad to be told the honest truth.

    • Youth is wasted on the young, the feckless little shits take it for granted! But im with John Denver on this, i like getting older, clarity of mind, no insecurities, dont have to try and impress women, can be a stubborn rude cunt and people write it of too age, used to spend fortune on clothes, now im happier in my work clothes and dont give a flying fuck what anyone thinks, massively confident now i dont feel the need to please others, be trendy, etc. Not a fan of night time trips for a slash tho! Going to get myself a po under the bed, slop out in the morning like the jailbirds do, so, fuck the youth, and fuck knees that dont creak.

    • Fuckin’ hell Cuntwood, youth doesn’t have a monopoly on humour! There are very few things that sharpen as you age but humour is definitely one of them. I sense a bit of ageism here!
      😊

  4. I’m 50 and never was one for exercise. I’m now carrying an extra 2 stone that I need to lose. Plus something Bulldog has happened to my jawline and cheeks which could be fixed if I get a facelift. I’m seriously considering it!

    I fantasise that if only I could start working out and pack in drinking a bottle of Rose a night then I can look like Rene Zellweger who is the same age as me. If I don’t do something now then I fear the weight will keep piling on and I’ll look like Hattie Jacques on a bad day.

  5. I agree and sympathize Ron, and apart from offering the consolation that Mrs Boggs and myself now have seperate bedrooms (the size of her legs these days means if you got one of them across you, you wouldn’t get up in a hurry), and an assurance that today you can get more for your money than thirty years ago (on a weighing machine), I can do no bettetr than quote Bette Davis “old age isn’t for cissies” – so if it is bad for us imagine what it must be like for Anthony Blair, Cliff Richard, Dame Keir and Lord Adonis.

  6. Doesn’t bother me.

    As I get older,I find that I can dispense with more and more of the “social niceties”. A lack of any family about which I give a damn helps too. Nowadays,if I want to act like a Cunt, I do. I’ve only got myself to please.

    In fact, I’d rather be older than younger these days. I look at the younger generations and wonder just what kind of future awaits them…probably not one that I would enjoy,if I’m honest. I actually agree with them when they say that we have “stolen their future” because I think that we really have left a steaming pile of shit in our wake.

    I enjoy good health and have enough money to enjoy my lifestyle with my hounds in rural Northumberland relatively untroubled by current events. I’d rather be getting old than starting out again as a teenager in modern Great Britain.
    .

    The best thing about getting old is searching the Obituary column in my local paper every week looking for people that I know. I enjoy that.

    Fuck Off.

    • The younger generations go fuck off when they start whinging about “stolen futures!” More importantly, what the fuck do they know about their history? Too busy rewriting it to fully appreciate it.

      And their futures will be utterly fucked up as they constantly classify and reclassify themselves into the trendiest/neediest social groups of the time. So much so they will probably end up killing each other in order to be the top virtue signalling cunt of cunts!

      Fuck ’em

      • Oh.I agree that they can “go fuck off”. Although I think that our generation probably have “stolen their futures”, it doesn’t bother me. I’ve enjoyed myself and am only too happy to leave them to pick up the bill.

    • Spot on Dick, concur with all of that… though physically and mentally I’m now a bit of a washout, which is far from fucking fun.

      So lucky to have been in the prime of life between 1950s and 1990s.

      My generation (but without my assistance) is responsible for the basket case shithole this country and the West in general has become. I was born only two days before Blair.

      • We have actualy been a very lucky generation,I think. We have avoided the major wars,enjoyed some of the best decades on the go,and will probably cash out before the chickens come home to roost.

      • Be wary what you wish for, Mr Fiddler. If there is such a thing as reincarnation you may come back as the antithesis of your good self!

        You may even come back as Owen Jones’ future love child

      • I actually rather hope to come back as Gemma Arterton’s love-child. It looks to be the only way that I’ll ever have her fanny around my neck,tbh…I’ll make such a grab at that clit as I squelch and slip my way out,she’ll sharp realise just what a genuine Cunt she’s whelped….then I’ll run along and sign up for fucking child-benefits.

      • Reincarnation is an ongoing concern of mine NCFOM. Imagine being reborn into this current madhouse!

      • It all started to go downhill with the abolishing of witch-hunts in the 18th century Mr Fiddler, a gateway for all the social ills we are faced with today without show trials and subsequent punitive punishments meted out.

      • The end of the feudal system was the problem, LL. In those days the plebs knew their place. I.of course,would have been a Lord of the Manor.

      • I really think you’ve hit on something there, LL. But a ducking stool for the Flabbott would require modern technology to construct. Carbon fibre, titanium and a super surfactant to ensure wetting of her greasy hide.

  7. If it’s any consolation Ron, I’m late 30s and women do, and always have, looked straight through me.

    Kids also offer me their seat on public transport, but that is probably to do with the hateful, menacing glare I send them until they cave in and get up.

    • It’s bloody weird. I used to be the Invisible Man as far as women were concerned, As I closely approach 70, they’ve started looking at me, and not in a bad way. Some even smile. Young ones. Facially, I have always resembled a starving vulture, so this is difficult to explain. Perhaps they are amazed that I am not even now pushing up the daisies? Or perhaps they think I am the antihero of the last crap fantasy film they downloaded to their phone. Old age has its consolations, sometimes, especially as I don’t feel the need to seduce them now.

      • My theory is that they think of gentlemen of a certain age as harmless, battered old teddy-bears.
        But if you remember the Posy Simmonds “Bear”, where did he usually end up ?!!

        There is still some hope. I am about to try asking a rather lovely young F out for a drink or lunch.

      • I missed ‘Bear, somehow, and there’s not much of him left in cyberspace – but I get the idea now. Simmons is/was a bloody genius even if she did work for the Graun.

        Teddy bear or harmlessly insane great-uncle. Probably.

  8. Just found this site and I’m absolutely pissing myself reading past posts…. great work…

    • You must have, like the rest of us , been pushed to the point if typing into Google…..so and so is a cunt

      Welcome

  9. Turning 40 was a bit of an anti climax for me. Nothing changed but at 43 I’m just starting to struggle with my right hip and have my first pair of glasses.
    The 63UP programme last night doesn’t help. I have always followed the show and it hit me that I’ll be 50 when it comes around again. This programme feels like a map to my death.

  10. Watching my dad – who was a proper lad in his day – getting old wasn’t nice to see… Old and ill and eventually dead…

    On a better note, this from Big Don…

    Sadiq Khan, who by all accounts has done a terrible job as Mayor of London, has been foolishly “nasty” to the visiting President of the United States, by far the most important ally of the United Kingdom. He is a stone cold loser who should focus on crime in London, not me……

    Got to like the bloke, just for that alone…

    • The Social media sites will go into meltdown with all the SJWs howling and whining into their keyboards!

      They’ll be contacting the police and demanding the Don be arresting for Hate Crime against the usual suspects!

  12. Back in 2011 when al the Dark Keys decided to burn down Tottenham because some Gangsta was rightly taken out by officers of the NCA I recall a brilliant street interview with a bloke clearly in his 70’s, quite portly, wearing braces and having several teeth missing.

    The reporter asked (words to the effect) how do you feel about this rioting to which he replied ‘it’s all those nîggêrš isn’t it, bloody ńîggêrš’.

    I shit you not and the report was debated for some time, ultimately those Whyte bastards that commented decided he was an old man and a product of his generation and didn’t represent modern Britain.

    So let’s look on the bright side, getting old can have its benefits……

    • Not representing “modern Britain” is something I would consider a badge of honour, and I’m only 56…

  13. When cockneys and Londoners I know (real ones, mind… Not peacefuls or other ‘cultural enrichers’) say that even Boris and Red Ken were better mayors, it hits home how bad Saddam Suckdick really is… A grown man in a position of political power in Great Britain being in on disrespectful and childish ‘jokes that (attempt to) mock a visiting President? He’s a as bad as those celebricunts on Saturday Shite Live… Khan is one of the biggest and mardarsed cunts in British history….

    • I like his take on ‘British values’ when it suits his narrow world view. Would that be freedom of speech, the right to an opinion and respecting democracy? All lacking from this thumb sucking turd.

      • And what will Suckdick do or say to commemorate Normandy?
        Fuck all, or digging up some shite about the one peaceful soldier who was there in 44… He’ll make it all about them, if he can be arsed to say anything, that is… The damn cunt…

  14. Morning Ron. What a beautifully written, amusing and accurate nomination. Thank you. It might sound perverse but I will be in Cambridge this weekend and will, as always, take time to visit the American war cemetery. After a stroll through the white crosses the arthritis disappears, I can remember which day of the week it is and where I parked the car. Yes, growing old is a cunt but I’m glad I was able to, unlike the young American men (men? Most of them boys in terms of age) buried in that cemetery. There are no goat-fucking dwarfs, terrorist-sympathising communist cunts or limp-wristed soy boys buried here. We should all remember why we were allowed to live and we all have a duty to honour the sacrifice made for us. Fuck all the libtard and Islamic filth that infests the country. It is they who should be in the ground.

    • Well said Fim

      If these snowflake cunts had to line up in aircraft over flak strewn French airspace nowadays thered be 800 aircraft returning to Blighty with full cargos

  15. Wordcunt strikes again. Your comment is awaiting moderation. What is it this time? Goat-fucking dwarfs? Heil Wordcunt!

    admin note, we get them through as quick as we can

  16. As I get older I seem to need more bog roll to get my arse clean after a shit…..

    • Me to JR.

      My Dad passed away last year aged 80 and it wasn’t good, dementia is a cruel disease.

      That said he did retain parts of his dark humour.

      I’d say about 3 years ago I was helping him get undressed and at the same time we both spotted a huge tigers face in his undies, he said ‘bloody hell son getting old is a bastard’ I thought fuck me i’m 45 and I can match that.

      My ass leaks like a boarding house tap.

      • I was doing a level 3 electrical practical assignment in college last night, bent down to pick up a driver that had dropped off its resting place, and…bang, pffft. Followed by a foul stench, almost visible. Thank dog the tutor didn’t come in to check on my progress.

      • “ Both spotted a huge tigers face in his undies”
        Fucking brilliant. Still laughing as I write this.

  17. 56 years old and can still kick start a 500cc single cylinder motorcycle.
    My mate is 66 and uses an XT500 Yamaha (big trials bike) every day.
    Meanwhile, teenagers and twentysomethings blubber when the electric start stops working on their 50cc chinese scooters.
    Pathetic snowflake cunts… 😆😆😆

    • I still have (and ride), my old Kwaker ZZR-600. Always a joy to get my knee down on the country roads; or booting it from red lights in about 5 or 6 seconds into 70 while leaving those hybrid and touchy-feely SUV cunts still scratching their arses.

    • I commute daily on my elderly SV1000S. Fun on the back roads and hilarious in traffic (flat bars are great for this). Still up to changing the fork seals and other maintenance, I discovered lately. But may downgrade to a staid CB500R due to the rising cost of fuel.

    • Most of the teenies and 20 somethings around Cardiff are still pratting about on those little push-along kiddies scooters. Cuuuuunts.

  18. With you on this Ron.
    I ache like a bastard and fart like a walrus. My 3 mile walk now takes an hour and I gasp up the fucking hill.
    However, I am as happy as a pig in shit now that I don’t have to commute to fucking Yorkshire and work with a bunch of clueless cunts.

    • Aye up CC. I’ll say this about retirement, it’s fucking better than working and the free time’s great. The cunt is that you have to be old to do it (or fucking loaded, of course).

  19. Thanks, Ron for a very insightful and funny cunting. As I look down the barrel of 70, it resonates, as do other cunters’ comments. I look around me on the street and I see considerably younger men in various stages of decrepitude and even mobility scooters, and thank the sky fairy that instead of landing a fat salary flogging other peoples’ money, I did manual outdoors work until nearly 50, and still burn off everything I eat rather than accumulating blubber. Still employed too, can’t afford not to be, but hey, it gives a sense of purpose and meaning and an excuse to commute on my faithful litrebike…although I hate my bosses along with the rest of humanity – yup, you got that right too.

    But oh, fuck. The future. Agree with the general cunting on that one. From here it’s downhill all the way, and old age is if for that reason alone, a complete cunt. ( Voice of reason: Absorb a bottle of Malbec tonight and cheer up you grumpy old cunt)

  20. 250 survivors of D-Day will will be on a boat heading for Normandy today.at one point a lone Spitfire will circle their boat in salute. Should be quite a moment. They are all in their 90 s and no doubt suffering the indignities mentioned above but they will be remembering their colleagues who never had a chance to grow old. Thanks.

    • Expect the usual rent-a-mob libtard protesters waiting to throw their hate and bile at these “savage bigoted cunts!”

      • Ive never seen even the most deranged vile SJW cretins protest against war veterans. Tragic and very unwise if it occurs in Portsmouth.

    • be even better if lone spitfire straffes the peacefuls in dinghys coming in the opposite direction.

  21. What an excellent cunting Ron. You could be my long lost twin. Having just reached your age, other milestone ages have never bothered me but 70 shakes the shit out of you. You know you’ve reached that stage of life when you go upstairs and when getting there ask yourself ” what the fuck did I come up here for, go back down and remember at the foot of the stairs.
    Apart from all the physical frailties, one small recurring thing happens that keeps reminding you how old you are – do you know if you’re online and you have to fill in your date of birth? You often get one of those ‘wheel things’ that you have to wind back to your birth year. You know you’re really getting old when it seems to take for ever.

    Thanks Ron for a very entertaining but at the same time a very insightful take on old age. For me personally, this is the nom. of the year.

    • “what the fuck did I come up here for, go back down and remember at the foot of the stairs.”

      That’s been happening to me since my 30s!

      • or the classic, “it will only take a couple of minutes” half hour search for the wd40 got to shop buy another tin, use it, decide to put it in a special place so it doesn’t get lost again only to discover that the chosen special place has 3 tins of wd40 in it.

      • I put fly spray on my shopping list on Saturday then, on Monday, found 5 cans in 3 different places whilst searching for something else entirely. Finding these cans deleted the object I was originally looking for and, 2 days later, I still can’t fucking remember what it was. I have no doubt I will find it in the next few days by which time I will have forgotten what I wanted it for.

      • “It can’t have been important” is a useful phrase to remember, if you can remember it.

    • Reading all the responses here, IsAC must be one of the few sites where you can “come out” – come out and confess to being old.

  22. You know you are old when you write a note to yourself reminding you not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  23. Makes me cringe when i hear Thornberry/Owen Jones/any leftie telling me that Trump/Farage etc dont share our ‘British values’.
    I’m British and they share mine you cunts.
    I remember my late uncle, always a laugh, saying near the end that ‘ there is absolutely nothing good about getting old’.

    • My mother used to say ‘old age doesn’t come alone’ meaning the aches and pains that appear.

  24. Appreciate your nom.
    You know when you’re getting really old when you can’t risk letting one off without the worry of following through….that’s what “a friend” told me.

  25. I was going to write a witty response to all this but I can’t remember what it was. Sadly, I’m not joking.

    Next week I’m back down the memory clinic for another meeting with the psychoshrink. Mrs D calls it Cell Block H because frankly it looks like it. What a shit hole. And the shrink is 10 years younger than my daughter probably with a degree in Millenial Klingon from the University of Whodathoughtit.

    How did the younger generations get to be so fucking useless at everything?

    God help us of there’s ever another war…

    • Good luck with that Dio.

      I went through this with my Dad over a five year period and my siblings were just fucking useless cunts, indeed I recall you cunting your sister last year and thought how that could have been written by me.

      I couldn’t help but think that if he’d had a partner (my parents divorced a long time ago) things would have been better all round for him.

  26. Beats me how the software can accept a comment, put it up for five minutes and then delete it. Can’t be going into the mod queue, I’d have thought – it shouldn’t go up at all. But then it reappears (sometimes). Is it being manually recovered, or does the digital censor relent on its own? Also, it picks on a random cunter for a day or so and then moves on to another victim.

    I know the mods have repeatedly told us it’s beyond their control, but perhaps a furious email to the supplier might elicit some sense?

    • I have similar issues, I write something, it shows on my screen and has awaiting moderation under it, I checked on mrs B’s laptop and my comment wasn’t on screen but stayed on mine. then disappeared from mine, then popped back unmoderated .

      • I’ve had a couple of comments in the last week just not appear at all, nothing remotely contentious.

      • That too. Could be down to local download speed vs server speed at source; sometimes there’s enough delay to kill the comment completely between refreshes, sometimes an intermediate page gets through. Or something like that. Mostly I think it’s probably a cyberdragon in a cyberdungeon doing magic, me being old.

        Old. Just been told by some overbearing little shit in the bank that I can no longer go there to transfer money between accounts, but have to do digital banking. Seems mine are ‘low-value transactions’ and we only actually talk to millionaires now. Peasants have to fight their way through digital clutter and bollocks.

      • I know it’s of no consultation whatsoever to you, but even at admin levels we battle with “word fence” where the system defends itself from us!
        Ditto the equally embarrassing fact that we sometimes have to approve our own comments.
        But the system is in place to keep this a nice safe playground and stop shit bags from wrecking the site.

      • TY Admin, you are universally appreciated, and I’m sorry to hear technology – NuGeekspeak for anything not involving physical technology – gets in your way too.

      • I find online banking incredibly convenient and straightforward. Been doing it for years now, no problems. The idea of queuing up in a bank to transfer money from one account to another, or anything else for that matter, strikes me nearly as bad as going to the barbers.

        Still insist on monthly statements by snail-mail though.

      • More bloody passwords to remember, and a digital gubbins to produce a hashed security code which then needs typing into a labyrinthine website along with account numbers and the colour of my great-aunt’s eyes. Get it wrong, start again. The nice lady behind the counter communicated in real words, touchtyped and didn’t get it wrong. Also, the cunts are making a minimum of 150% interest on the back of my deposit account – assuming they’re sticking to the legal equity constraint – for which I get fuck all. The customer is always wrong. Cunts. I may formally cunt them in the near future, not that they care.

      • I think we must live in alternate realities Komodo.

        Not for the first time… 😂

  27. I know I am getting old, I can feel it every day, but one thing that isnt changing and if it does it will be time to die.

    If I see a fit young bird walking down the street the only thought running through my mind…. ‘ I would love to fuck that ‘

    Yep, I am a dirty old cunt!

    • The day you can no longer get a hard-on is the day you should just knock it on the head and top yourself.

      • Make a point of going to a newsagent and asking for a ‘licence to wank’.

      • Good. The missus spends hours on xhamster looking at blokes with dicks like cucumbers. Stops me getting on to look at fanny…

      • VPN will get round all that bother.

        Been a techie cunt I have already had a few enquiries about how to set one up. Piece of piss really, even the free ones are okay to use, even though they have have much slower download speeds, as well as having data limits of something like 500Mb per month.

        All that government legislation, time and effort in order to prove you’re over 18 to view porn; and yet all you need is a VPN and an email address and you’ve already circumvented all that bollocks!

  28. Growing old sounds a bugger. I’m middle aged and not there yet but it’s on the horizon.

    But if you have your mental faculties it’s not so bad. My father is 85 and has dementia. It’s getting quite bad now and it’s like a living death.

    • I recommend that you contact the alzheimer’s society, they will inform you of council tax rebates, carers allowance, respite care, and posible free care should your father be sectioned under the mental health act.
      Dementia is a cunt

      • Thanks Lord Benny. We have advice from a few charities. They are worth their weight in gold.

      • I had to fight the NHS for almost 12 months to get my Dad CHC funding which trust me is a fucking nightmare to get.

        Eventually we got it and it cost £3500 a week but it meant my Dad had 24 hour one to one care for the last year of his life.

        If I could give you any advice it would be do not accept anything the NHS tell you, question everything, they will lie to your face and don’t give a fuck because nobody is accountable.

        Skill up as much as you can on your Dads condition it puts you in a position of strength when dealing with these duplicitous bastards.

        Hopefully your experience won’t be as bad as mine and as you can probably tell it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth,Age Concern are OK but I found some smaller much more specialist Charities were invaluable.

        Finally when all was almost lost I paid, at some expense for a specialist advocate to help me a company called Carepal in Colne which is in East Lancs.

        During the process I found that the NHS has a ‘constitution’ that is under pinned by statute.

        Obviously the NHS don’t want you to know this and or direct you to the document but Carepal knew the document inside out and simply threw their own rules back at them which gave them no room to manoeuvre, although this didn’t stop them procrastinating.

        Anyway good luck with that mate.

  29. Us younger cunters are making our way in the world, with help and advice from you old cunts we should be fine and can learn from your wise tales and yarns.
    However life is damn expensive and surely you’d rather give some of your money you are too old to enjoy to us to live out your dreams your too old to achieve.
    Better to give us younger cunters your money as you know we know the score and are like younger versions of your generous selves.
    I’m 40 and living a nice life but there is always a need for more money.
    Don’t give it to your own family… You cannot guarantee they won’t donate it all to some charity fake or real that someone like me may be ‘involved’ in.
    Better you give it to us younger cunters, I for one can guarantee your money will be spent on enjoyment, partying, expensive things and all types of debauchery and overindulgence.
    I know you old cunts would love a thirty something lady to pound and rest assured I’ll give them a good pounding… I’ll even give them some extra pounding for you.
    Any payments will be held by me and slowly distributed to other young cunters over the next 10 years after they have been interviewed by myself.
    I look forward to you reply generous donations.
    Thank you and go fuck yourselves. 😁

    • Just give me your bank account details B&W C and I will sort you aaaaht.

      • Thank you CC, my bank account is currently frozen due to some fraudulent activity which I know naffink abaaaaaht. My mate Erroll the Jamaicunt is touring the country collecting cash only from the generous cunters until I get the bank account sorted.

      • Afternoon Black and White you scally. My computer has developed a virus. Is there any chance you can ring me and help sort it out? Microsoft tried to help but I couldn’t understand a word the foreign gentleman spoke.

      • I’m happy to help BSC, but until I get £300 payment I know naffink abaaaaaht it.

    • I would be happy to oblige, B&WC, but I feel that you would benefit more from learning the value of deferred gratification, living within your means rather than mine, and self-denial. However, I can offer you a gift beyond price, life everlasting. I’d like to talk to you about Jesus…

  30. I never expected to live this long, when I retired from military life I was what is best described as a smug cunt, I had all my limbs, hearing, sight and sanity.
    Well life catches you up and a few genetic skeletons come out the cupboard.
    It seems that as a family we have a penchant towards glaucoma, dementia, parkinson’s and coronary issues, what a future!
    well having been diagnosed with lower limb claudication (blocked arteries that are inoperable) my life has slowed down considerably (because I cant fucking walk that far) leading to a slight paunch (lack of exercise) my eyes are going up the shitter but I have resolved this by bulk buying spectacles that litter my work place and home so I am never more than 5 meters from a pair should I deem something worth looking at (I also had a bad experience where a screw fell out of my one pair of glasses and I think I spent 3 hours trying to get it back in) but I deviate.
    I think the fact of the matter is if I had of known what the future had in store for me I would have been a lot less more careful in my youth and got myself a post hum VC and not have to deal with this.
    PS as mentioned by others my toilet roll consumption seems to have rocketed too

    • Sorry to hear that Lord Benny.

      Glaucoma is a cunt too. It also runs in my family with dementia and heart disease. Even I’ve been told to wear sunglasses as much as possible to slow down the development of cataracts and I’m only 50.

      What a bundle of laughs!!

      • Unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with glaucoma at 34 having already probably had it for over a decade. First thing they did was take away my driving licence. But eye drops have meant in the last 19 years it hasn’t got worse.

      • Oh Christ, I’d forgotten about glaucoma (on me Da’s side), probably because Da died on my 30th. I miss him.
        My mother, however, wilfully continued to suck the life out of everything in her orbit for another 16 years.

    • I agree Benny. The major consequences of old age are obvious, it’s sometimes the small things that can be a real bastard. As you say, the amount of time I’ve wasted tightening screws in glasses is unbelievable. We’ve just got 5g technology and still no bugger has made a pair of glasses that don’t fall apart.

      • Next time you put them together, put a drop of Tipp-ex on both sides of the screw. (I’d have suggested Loctite thread locker when re-assembling, but I can’t remember where I put it)

      • Thanks Komodo. That seems a handy tip. I think the site’s changing into ‘Everyday survival tips for old Gits’

      • Call it ‘Wisdom of the Ages’, please. Without fucking things up for several decades, you cannot gain experience.

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