British Customer Service deserves a cunting, doesn’t it?
You go for a meal. A huffing zombie with a Tuesday morning toothache face barely enunciates “What can I get you?” Dirty plates and cups festoon the tables You hear her colleagues effing and geoffing drunken stories of shagging and drinking, punctuated by profanities and “so”s while somebody needlessly bangs a nail into a nearby wall. A stale odour informs the air.
Your order is plonked in front of you; what was once food is either uncooked on the inside (your stoic Britishness prevents you from complaining) or now drowning in oil. Your order of water is met with a sigh. There is no “bon appetit” in English so your horrifically disingenuous waitress mumbles, “en-joy!” like a command, though it might be a dare.
If you’re fortuitous, you might receive the obligatory, “is everyfing alright wiv de food?” scowled at you, not out of care but to satisfy the chain restaurant’s regulatory seven-minute rule.
If you’ve been abroad you’ll know what proper service is. The UK is the second worst in the World. Only France, the haughty Horse-eaters, the undisputed World Champions of Vulgarity, are worse than us.
Yes, yes, nobody likes the unctuous Yank “Hi I’m Brett and I’ll be your server tonight” and “have a nice day” facade, especially when it’s linked to tips. Furthermore some customers can be ill-mannered arseholes.
Nonetheless, our service is appalling. Whether you’re natives or tourists this ghastly Fawlty Towers experience is woeful. At best the workers in the service industry are entitled and incompetent; at worst they’re crude, crass, and act as if they’re doing you a (very unpleasant) favour.
Nominated by Captain Magnanimous
Is anyone else getting pissed off with over friendly service?………..I ordered a brew in McDonalds from the screen (so I dint have to engage with the mongo staff) and went and sat down with my number (133). Fucking right they can fetch my cuppa over!
This tubby twat waddles over having clearly eaten his morning equivalent of his own body weight in McMuffins and plonks my tea down “Have a good day”………..No milk. I shout over as he struggled back to the counter out of breath “Where’s me milk son?”. He brought me two sachets of milk “Have a good day” he mumbled again…Does he fucking know sommert I don’t? Am I gonna die tomorrow?
Marks & Spunkers and Wanktrose are even worse. The servers, although clearly better educated than McRabbles, try and make friends with you before instructing you to ….”Have a good day”……..
“Up to anything nice today sir?” asks the slimy, post-modern, liberalist rug muncher. “Well, yes Brenda, I am actually. I’m going to kill my neighbour’s cunt of a dog that barks all the time and shites everywhere” as I grab my change and reduced-price sandwich.
“Oh….Have a good day” she says………..”It’s ten to fucking eight at night love!!”.
Nominated by DAz Wud
I avoid all this shit by never going out to eat or drink, even on the extremely rare occasion I can actually afford to.
10
I avoid those places like the plague, not least for the risk of catching some form of plague either from the food, the tables, the toilets or the cunts behind the counter serving up the shite they call “the eating experience”
That said most of the pub chains and tea rooms I have visited up and down the country have been generally quite good customer service wise.Of course Weatherspoons pubs are a bit hit ‘n’ miss with regards what kind of cunt you get serving your food; and the odd Indian restaurant you generally have to be nice too because you can never be sure what extra “ingredients” they may add to your chicken tikka masala!
10
Accompanying my wife on a recent visit to Kings College Hospital on Denmark Hill in London, we decided to take some lunch in a large cafe/restaurant called Johnnies, around the corner in Coldharbour Lane.
Best cooked breakfast I have ever had. My wife had a Spanish omelette, chips and salad. Both washed down with a large mug of strong tea. Quick, efficient service, but no fawning. Absolute ambrosia; makes a change to visit somewhere and be pleasantly surprised. Apparently the place has been going since 1976, so they must be doing something right.
12
Whats in a spanish omelette paul? I usually just have tomatoes mushrooms and shredded cheese on mine sometimes I throw in cold cuts like ham, turkey or chicken breast if its in the fridge dice up some potatoes or cook some hashbrowns fuck great now i’m hungry
4
Cheese, onion, ham and red pepper. Bake it in a tray and have with salad. Fucking ace…😉
4
Yeah never really cared for onions in my omelette it alters the taste of the egg too much imo
Also not big on green and red peppers in there either but its not that bad every once in a while. Especially if you lightly cook the pepper a bit before and cut the pepper in tiny pieces
3
Quote ‘ we decided to take some lunch in a large cafe/restaurant ‘
Where were you taking it to? Don’t you mean
‘ have some lunch , you CUNT!
3
The cookies error that wordpress gives you is so fucking stupid my cookies couldn’t be more ON and it still gives me this dumb error
5
Customer service varies massively here, it seems most decent average restaurants have some young thick cunt who does not know anything abaaaaaht the place or menu or some Spanish/Italian lady who is stressed out as they don’t have enough staff.
You then get the posh restaurants who are trying to get a Michelin star… I was in a Michelin starred restaurant in Mayfair and the cunt brought us some chocolates… The bellend stood there and told us what was in all 7 of the chocolates… Go fuck yourself.
9
Coincidentally, I watched Separate Tables last week – the 1958 film set in a hotel in Bournemouth. The service was wretched then and still is now. The horror that foreigners must feel when uppity, insolent-faced staff speak aggressively to paying customers is embarrassing. If you were spoken to like that in business meetings you’d leave immediately. This country’s service in restaurants or pubs is quite appalling.
8
Ever been to Paris, General?
4
Not for an age, Cuntstable. Far too many Africans which is almost as bad as the locals. Elsewhere in France it’s just as terrible despite my ordering in French. Lord knows what it must be like if they hear English.
They are course, belligerent cunts. Always have been.
3
My pub is friendly, efficient and reasonably priced. Good grub. As is my curry house.
I never, ever use fast food or chain outlets. Processed shite.
7
Off topic… I’m off today and I noticed some builders doing some work nearby.
There is this tall fat cunt who doesn’t seem to work much… He stands around chatting, I spoke with him the other day and he was going on and on talking but not actually saying any fink.
He seems to walk around, rarely gets up the scaffolding and gets on with any work.
No wonder all builders price quotes are always way under and the works cost twice as much with lazy cunts like home stealing a living.
If I was in the building trade that’s the workman I’d be.
Go fuck yourself.
5
Customers can be cunts as well. My mate is a conscientious, jolly chap who runs a really nice, really busy pub. Not a week goes by without some clever cunt – posh bastards as well as northern monkeys – demanding a big discount off their bill or they will ‘leave a bad review on trip advisor’.
To which the answer is always short, sharp and to the point, with an invitation to fuck right off, much to the surprise of the slimy chancers.
6
Customer service in the UK is shocking, most of the chains would go bust if they dished up the shit they serve here in America.
I like Wetherspoons trick of waiting until you’ve almost finished your meal before enquiring “is everything alright?”
However, the French, is by far the worst country I’ve experienced for service.
Especially in Paris, slow, rude, and takes an age to get anything. Woe behold if you ask for an English menu. We liberated you, you miserable cunts.
Best country for service? Germany in my experience, prompt, efficient but can come across as a bit mechanical.
5
At my local petrol station the staff are verging on hostile. Then there’s Anne behind the counter at the local Co-Op who likes to comment on your choice of goods; she does this to everyone and it’s like verbal diarrhoea. Thank goodness for my local pub where you get a warm welcome and good food.
5
Go in to the co-op and buy a pair of womens tights….when Anne ‘comments’ on them and asks who they are for, slowly open the packet and push the tights in her open mouth. Slowly but with purpose….
8
Brilliant!
1
Off topic and apologies if already raised, but I have just seen the spat going on between Sir Mo and his former buddy Haile Gerbilselassie.
What a pair of classless, un-principled cunts. Just goes to show you can take the shameless, money-grabbing skinny out of Africa, but you can’t take Africa out of the ……..etc.
Sir Mo particularly cuntish; using his press conference to raise a personal gripe about his stay in matey boy’s hotel, and trying to blackmail him before the event. No respect for the thousands of people who worship him as an athlete, or for the sponsors who will have paid him fucking thousands just to turn up.
Fuck off the pair of you. Or have a punch up live on air; be like watching a couple of oily pipecleaners going at it.
8
Sir Mo. would have been exposed as drugs cheat and banned long ago had the authorities not been so desperate for a positive Somali-immigrant role-model. Missed drugs tests, trainers and training partners banned for drug use, the use of “allergy” drugs etc.
The nasty little mud-flap is a greedy,untrustworthy scammer….and his wife is a fucking ugly Cunt too.
12
Quite right, Cuntflap.
I’d only allow The Dark Keys to compete in swimming events (in a separate pool,of course). It’s a proven Fact that they can’t swim due to their skin absorbing water….sink like stones.
5
Mo Farrah is and always has been a cunt, end of.
3
You must be deeply disappointed Mr Fiddler to learn that the Gayness is caused by a worm up the bum. I always thought that you were going down a black hole when talking of the ‘psychological’ reasons for poofery. Now you say that blacks cannot float. Where do you get this from? There is no scientific evidence whatsoever for such an assertion. I’m losing all faith in you.
4
Of course Blacks can’t float, Miles. Although being good at most other sports,you never see one swimming at the Olympics (apart from Eric the Eel). You never see one swimming in films…all Tarzen had to do to escape them was swim a river,rhey just jumped up and down on the river-bank shouting ” Umbongo,Umbongo”. You never read of any of them swimming back to Africa when chucked off a slaving-ship….What more proof do you need?
Dark Keys can’t swim….. FACT.
8
Really Miles, you come onto a perfectly respectable thread discussing Mo Farrah and regale us with tales of spunk-eating worms up the bum…
Extraordinary.
5
@RTC…..
LOL.
3
Afternoon Dick… 😂
2
My youngest daughter once met Mighty Mo in a bar in London, who was with his wife.
Apparently he was most charming and spent a few minutes chatting with her. This was not appreciated at all by his wife, who by all accounts is not a very nice person.
I admire Mo for his athletic ability, however checking found he is not one of the top 25 runners of all time in the 5,000 metres, and only 16th in the top 25 runners of all time in the 10,000 metres.
He is a great runner, but in the overall scheme of things not legendary.
6
Mr Fiddler is right… I find swimming hard but thanks the my White side I don’t drown.
However show me a fried chicken shop with a sexy white bitch outside and I’ll beat Usain bolt in a race there.
Black power.
6
Fried chicken and honkey wimminz B&WC? I bet you’d move faster than a babyfather fleeing parental responsibility.
8
“faster than a babyfather fleeing parental responsibility.” Almost as fast as I’m gonna rush down the Windrush payout centre when it opens LL. 😀
7
https://youtu.be/zkVl1zfM_G4
One of my all time favourite films.
Don’t make em like that anymore.
7
Now that’s what I call right-fucking-on!
4
Fucking pinhead cunt. Thought he wanted to be referred to as Sir MOHAMMED Farah ? Same as that bint JOHANNA Conta, but the BBC (aka Buggering British Children) call her Jo. Both leeching off the UK to further their careers. Fuck them both.
4
Now and then a story crops up of peaceful checkout workers spitting their dummy out and refusing to handle alcohol because Allah forbids it. Soap, razors and hot cross buns are also haram at selected stores.
8
One thing I’ve found when holidaying abroad; Ignore the British strongholds where they’ll put up with rude service, piss-water, and half cooked frozen shit.
Instead seek out where the Germans dine. They will not put up with anything less than excellent booze and food, served with good manners.
I discovered this disparity in Mallorca (Majorca), and it seems to apply to many other places too.
6
Rarely eat out these days other than our local curry house, where food and service always most excellent.
Best service received by far is when I visit Japan. And strictly no tipping.
Even better than the US service in the late 70’s which included young blonde girls with pony tails, very short skirts and on roller skates. Classy joint, but for some strange reason always full!!
6
Take my order, deliver my food, leve me alone….. perfect customer service
10
There is a guy on the tills at my coop who is literally spherical. I’m not exaggerating. He is literally as wide as he is tall, with 4 sticks and a lump for his arms, legs and head. His life expectancy must be low 30s. God knows what he eats to maintain the shape. If I hadn’t seen him I would never of thought it possible.
9
Does he wear a badge with the Co-op slogan “ good with food?”
7
That’s funny
5
I,of course,wouldn’t be seen dead in the type of establishments mentioned in the nom. I go to the more upmarket type of places where service is discreet and understated, the staff know their place and are respected for their attitude. They realise that they are dealing with their Betters and wouldn’t dream of addressing a client as “Mate”. The trouble with so many lesser establishments is that staff and customers are of the same social-class and so the waiter,quite understandably,speaks to the customers as “Mate” in the same way as he would talk to his companion down at the bingo…or the home end at some particularly dreadful sporting event kicking-off at 3 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon.
Fuck Off.
If you pay peanuts you get monkeys.
10
Agreed Dick. I only stay in 5 star hostelrys with hot and cold running whores! All on the company dollar of course!
5
MP’s are on a good whack, yet we still get monkeys.
6
Most bar staff are clueless mongs these days… Went to a place recently and Mrs Norman wanted a Gin and It… Eny fule kno that this is a gin with red vermouth (It as in Italian Vermouth)… I asked for it at this bar and the plank behind it looked nonplussed… I ordered a Guinness, and I sarcastically asked ‘I hope you know what that is’….
Fucking useless… Reminded me of Basil Fawlty not knowing what a Screwdriver was…
9
I sometimes hear some people refer to a gin and it as a gin manhattan norm, seeing how it just replaces whiskey for gin but yeah the stunned bartender should know what a gin and it is
Ordered a brandy alexander at a bar one time clueless fuck had to ask the manager what creme de cacoa is comes back with a chocolate coffee liqueur and says is this good enough they don’t have creme cacoa? psst no it isn’t sweetie
3
Always get good service to be fair, a ‘keep the change’ from the outset works wonders! Suggest some of you tight bastards try tipping the staff!
3
working at a merchants I have to say I get fucked off with customer’s
A woman came in on a monday with a window sill and asked for a refund because her husband had purchased it in error…….How the fuck can you accidentally buy a window sill?
Then the weekend wankers who come in and buy boxes of screws (appx 200 pieces) then bring the box back on monday for a refund because they are the wrong size (though I suspect should I count them there will be 196 in the box now)
in fact customers make a rod for their own backs, because they are so fucking rude and arsey I like to get in there first just to test the ground.
7
My late father once told me (after working in a hardware store for a few months) an Indian gentleman returned a pot of paint and asked for a refund because it was the wrong colour.
Needless to say the tin was half empty, and my father told him very nicely to fuck off.
9
Always amuses me when chav cunts bang on about not being able to afford a proper nutritional meal, and yet in the next breath are found spending anything up to £15 at Maccy D’s eating processed shite!
5
If they’re rude then don’t tip them.
2
I don’t tip them regardless. It’s a daft convention that discriminates against workers in other hard-working roles that nobody even considers offering a tip to.
2
I’m pretty much antitipping all the way around, restaurant, bar, whatever you shouldn’t get extra money for doing your fucking job!, the Mr Pink diner scene in reservoir dogs comes to mind….
I’ll only do it if I really felt serviced or the waitress is really cute has a nice arse or pair of tits just watch the Mr Pink scene thats basically my motto on tipping
6
Can I suggest you visit a higher class of establishment, or one friendlier to employing EU immigrants who are more likely to work hard with a smile on their face.
2
EU immigrants are no better, in my opinion. Frosty-faced Eastern bloc whores who can’t understand English whilst claiming they’re qualified Doctors or Engineers. If they want a tip I suggest they brush their teeth and fuck off back to Gdansk.
6
I went to an award-winning curry house (rated top one in Wales) a year or two ago. Food was delicious but the waiter kept referring to me and Mrs Hunt as “guys” i.e. “Evening guys” and “Is everything ok guys?” No it is fucking not. Got right on my tits. Cheeky cunts got a one star Trip Advisor review.
3