Phone Scammers

Phone Scammers.
Indian phone scammers are the pits. I’ve had three on the line in one morning, named ‘Oliver’, ‘John’ and ‘Richard’; beautiful British names for twats with such pronounced Indian accents.
‘Oliver’ wanted to assist me (for a fee, natch) to eradicate a virus that had invaded my computer. Now if I would log on, he would guide me step by step… ‘John’ was from ‘Internal (sic) Revenue’, and was keen to assist me in resolving a tax issue. If I would just log on…
I’m surprised that anyone still falls for this b/s, but they do say that there’s one born every minute. Usually I enjoy a bit of harmless entertainment at their expense by pretending to be deaf and senile. But when ‘Richard’ came on, I began to think that life was too short, and tried to keep it brief. Sadly ‘Richard’ was a persistent shit, and things ended up going something like this;

Bring bring
Me; ‘Hello’.
‘Richard’; ‘Good day, Mr Knee. I hope you are well today’.
Me; ‘I’m not interested in buying anything, thankyou. Goodbye’. Click.
Bring bring
‘Richard’; Aah, Mr Knee, I am not salesman. I am Microsoft Assistance. I am advising you that your computer is registering error messages on a remote server…’
Me; My computer’s fine, thankyou. Goodbye’. Click.
Bring bring… (wtf?)
‘Richard’;(tersely) Why are you not talking with me? What is your problem?’.
Me; (sigh) ‘Look pal, you’re the one with the problem, as you don’t appear to understand me. So I’ll keep it simple. FUCK. OFF.’. Slam.
Bring bring… (Christ on a bike)
‘Richard’; (angrily) ‘You cannot be talking to me like that! (blah blah) I want an apology!’.
Me; (contritely) ‘Erm… ahem… yes you’re right. I haven’t felt myself today *cough* and I’m a bit uptight. Will you accept my apology?’.
‘Richard’; (testily) ‘Yes yes alright. Now your comp…’
Me; ‘I’m so glad, Richard, or Rashit, or Rancid, or whatever. NOW will you fuck off?’. Slam.
Bring bring… (goes to answering machine)
(!!!!!) Bring bring

That’s right, rat. Waste your time trying to call me again. While you’re doing that, you’re not robbing some guileless sap elsewhere. You’re all utterly without scruples; cunts who disgrace your families and who deserve to rot slowly from the inside. I’ll happily piss all over whatever’s left.

Nominated by Ron Knee

30 thoughts on “Phone Scammers

    • No offence to Mr Knee, but couldn’t this have been saved for April?

      Or is there some steganography at work on this choice of nom, CwCC?

      • Oops, Admin just saw this.

        “Strange” in the way that the “BT” nom of a couple of hours earlier on the same day covered ~99% of the same beefs.

        In defence, I suppose you might argue that if you visited a cinema specialising in blue movies in Soho in the Fifties, you would expect the next film to be the same as the previous one.

        Editorial direction would normally militate against such a clash of Identikit™ nominations in a venue with more screening options to hand?

        I didn’t think that comment too opaque or subtle, but now at least you know my more precise meaning.

        Must be bloody hard work at ISAC right now!

        Prosperum iter facias.

      • There’s no apology from me troops, you must be joking! Nor do I expect any from Komodo (or any other).
        It was getting a bit rich, and I suppose it was him or me… Is he a Moderator, btw? (rhetorical one there, I already know the details).

        [Having been called a twat by Kimono, and after much other incoming unprovoked crap, my telling him to piss off seems pretty equable if not downright restrained.]

        Anyhow, I’ve enjoyed it, and shall keep an eye open for future wit, especially from Messrs Fiddler, Miles Plastic, Cunt Engine, Creampuff, JR Cuntley, Paul M, B&WC, Lord Benny and many many others. Good work to you all, and Kimono included, and keep it up!

        So, thanks for the trip, and byeee!

      • Yes Admin, I have just seen your newly emboldened comment¹ (and saw it when it was in plain font earlier, as it happens).
        My reply is above.

        ¹Right, cs, if you don’t grow the fuck up, apologise to everyone – especially Komodo – for your behaviour and stop behaving like a cunt to other people on here you’re getting banned. This has gone far enough

        I agree, and despite being 52, I’ve just grown up.

        Thanks for the indulgence! Watch out for those duplicate noms, and aggressive lizards!

  1. “Give me your number and my I.T. Security Officer will tell you to fuck off more gently that I ever could”…..usually does the trick.

  2. These, cunts drive me insane… So as some form of comical retribution I amused my self some time ago by responding to ridiculous text msgs they send regarding your recent accident…
    Mr.. Ivor Claymin . Mr Mustafa Badbak amongst many other comical names.. The resulting telephone calls are comedy gold….

  3. I’ve had fun with these in the past. I think the new scam is ‘one of your neighbor’s is using your internet’. Unplugged my landline 5 years ago as nobody but scammers were using it. Utter cunts.

  4. Think I’ve told this one before,but duplication seems to be the Order of the Day…..

    I had one of the “You were involved in an accident” callers,sounded a pleasant enough lassie,so I didn’t want to appear ungentlemanly and agreed that I had indeed had a rather nasty accident. She was delighted to hear it,although she didn’t actually say that. We went through all the name and address palaver and I could tell that she thought that she had some old fool on the hook as I told her about the stress and sleepless nights caused by my accident. When she learned that the incident had occurred in a taxi,she was positively orgasmic and eager to hear all about it so that their legal team could become involved……she was less orgasmic when I explained that my accident involved me shitting myself on the way back from a Guinness and Port marathon session. After a rather long silence…..
    “I thought you said that you’d had a serious accident?”
    ” Well if you don’t consider shitting yourself in a brand new pair of pants a serious accident,you sound just like my type of lassie…fancy a Fuck?”

    She had obviously been rendered speechless by my smooth patter and my continued mating calls of ” I don’t care if your a hog,I haven’t had a leg-over for weeks” went strangely unanswered.

    Fuck Off.

    • I can see you’re a member of the “Advanced School of Motoring wind-ups”, to whose wealth of experience I can merely aspire, DF.

      I have got as far as getting call-backs from multiple enthusiastic “managers”, which ultimately saw me cursed to hell for
      “wasting the company’s time”; but I shall remember those refinements for my own future enjoyment.

    • Brilliant Dick. Reminds me of an evening out having a few pints and a curry and had to race back to the WOs’ Mess to avoid shitting me kecks. Got to the loo, but lost time to fumbling with my trousers. Needless to say, I pebbledashed the wall behind the loo and me kecks. Took me ages to make the loo spotless. Thankfully the mess was empty at the time.

      • I always wondered why military watering holes were called a mess.
        Lef’ righ’ lef’ righ’ lef’ righ’

  5. Rid yourself of the landline, Ron Knee. Either that or blow a whistle down the phone before hanging up.

    • Now there’s a thought. A ref’s whistle would no doubt do the trick, Mon General!

  6. Ring ring, ring ring
    Hello Mr Fimbriations?
    My name’s Richard, John, Bob the Builder etc and I’m calling about your accident, tax refund, computer virus, bank account etc.
    Oh yes, good of you to call.
    Well, Mr Fimbriations I can ……..
    Sorry to interrupt you John etc … but my wife needs to make an urgent call on this line.Can I ask you to call me back immediately on my other number?
    Yes, certainly. What is the number please?
    020 7230 1212
    Works every time. Thick cunts.

      • As well I know it could be. Now Sir, at the time this Fimbriations directed you call us, what were you doing? Well, officer, I was annoying the fuck out of him by making a harassing phone call, using a false identity, with the intention of obtaining an unlawful pecuniary advantage.

        We offer a Nolle Prosequi, m’Lud

  7. It’s been years and years since I had a landline, and then (a) scamming was not a thing and (b) The Iron Curtain was still up. I still have no explanation for repeated calls from an East German who appeared to think I was Polish and with whom I had several short but friendly conversations in a mix of his fractured English and my ten words of German.

    • Guten tag, Herr Komodoski. Mein bathroom tap ist leaking wasser again. Sie sind ein plumber, nicht wahr?

      Nein, nein, nein mein Herr

      Ich have called politzei already. They speak call Komodoski zehr gut plumber.

  8. I got one of the Microsoft wallahs taking me through steps to sort our some error/virus.

    I had to inform him that my computer screen was showing a warning notification.
    ‘The guy on the phone is wasting my time…?’

  9. Indians were calling me every hour to tell me about a bogus virus. Let one talk
    for 5 minutes and blew a raspberry at him to no avail.

    Eventually got BT callminder to block all unrecognised calls.. worked a treat.

    • Bastards! I’ve just had a call from some cunt (in India, no doubt) claiming that my internet connection is about to be cut off. These cunts really are like turds that won’t flush.

  10. Slightly off Topic but am just watching a program called fraud. How they steal your money. Every one of the cunts is foreign Ahmed was a corrupt bank employee nicking account details, the eastern Europeans had skimmed 11,000 sets of card details etc etc.

    The eastern Europeans were coming here on a fraud holiday. Flying in robbing us blind and going home minted. Cunts, thrives really boil my piss but there is something more annoying about them being foreign.

  11. I have done this a couple of times.

    Hi, I’m from Microsoft, your computer is regestering that it has a virus and the issue has been handed to me to resolve for you. ‘Ok’,
    Go to your screen and type this into your browser. ‘I can’t, why?, ‘it’s not on.
    Please turn your computer on. ‘Ok’
    So after a while my pretend turn on of the computer takes a while.

    Is it on? ‘Yes’ what do you see? ‘Screen’ go to the bottom left of the screen and click on the ICON. “Ok’, what to you see? ‘ it’s just opened my files’ strange it should have opened them menu. What version of Windows are you using? ‘OSX 10.11, it’s a MAC’. Phone goes click.

    So that’s how to fuck them around for 20 minutes or so, great fun.

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