The Upskirting Ban

Emergency Cunting!!! Blue Lights!!! Sirens!!!

Parliamentary Sleight orf Hand

While Parliament has been disappearing up its oin arse and traducing the long time serving traditions orf our democracy during the continuing Brexit debacle, certain practitioners orf the Dark Arts have slipped in undebated and withoit recourse to our democratic norms, legislation that undermines the rights and freedoms orf every true Englishman.
“Upskirting” has been banned and made a criminal offence. Fine and dandy that the EU can take us up the arse and make us pay for it but when it comes to a simple pleasure orf life it’s “a criminal record sunshine” and a sexual offenders record for life. Outrage. Only reason Yours Truly bought a smartphone.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

45 thoughts on “The Upskirting Ban

  1. One thing (of many) that I’ll never understand about women is the way they’ll go about in the most revealing top imaginable, or a skirt so tight and short that it’s more like a wide belt, and then moan and complain when anybody has a good gander. What the fuck do they expect?


  2. Does this mean that I won’t be able to take a photo of Anna Soubry’s shit stained bloomers?. On no-knickers day I might have snapped her gash as well. Damn.

    • The times I’ve clocked a bird in a short skirt with her arse cheeks almost showing and I’ve had to drive round the block for a second look. Am I alone in this pursuit ????

      • Nor me. Make sure I wear clean knicks and do my puttees up properly. I am untouchable.

      • If some fag wants to take a photo of my pendulous scrotum while I’m walking along Brighton beach in just a towel so be it. Just inform me before the deed so I can tidy up a bit, make sure theirs no clinker in my pubes.

    • Same here, upskirting is something I’ve never done because it’s weird, pointless and creepy.

      • A bus driver was arrested once on Brighton Pier for wearing mirrors on the end of his shoes. You would have to have good eyesight for that and a photographic memory.

  3. I don’t get this. I mean maybe there is a practical reason for short skirts like curing the tuna or something, but if women wore longer skirts like they used to then this wouldn’t be a bloody problem.

    You choose to wear almost nothing and expect men not to react? Fuck right off.

  4. This ban will have been driven by “The Gays”. They’ll be frightened of the RSPCA getting hold of a photo of a gerbil hanging from their arses when they’re out cruising dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire while screaming “Ohh,Duckie” at each other.

    • Afternoon Mr Fiddler, this ban will have been undoubtedly driven by House of Commons swamp donkeys like Flabbott or Jess Phillips. Great nom on the previous thread by the way, a real jihadi among the morning commuters to get the ISAC faithful cunting.

  5. So does this mean the BBC won’t be allowed to show women tennis players at Wimbledon bending over slightly as they wait for a serve from their opponent?

    For me that was the only good thing about women’s tennis, the upskirt shots from the strategically placed cameras around the court

    I also assume female ice skaters will now have to wear longer skirts or trousers for the same reason?

    • “For me that was the only good thing about women’s tennis, the upskirt shots from the strategically placed cameras around the court”

      Until you watch a few Serena Williams matches. That will cool your ardour, so to speak.

      • It’s when her cock accidentally pops out of the side of her knickers that puts me off.

      • Do you reckon Seren’s cock is more protuberant than Michael/Michelle Obama’s?
        Say what you like about Dianne Abbott…at least she’s all woman!
        Although seeing her bending forward in tennis whites with no undies would be like seeing a vast chasm in the earth that had been ripped open by an earthquake and then filled with putrid strawberry angel delight with flies buzzing around it.

  6. The ones who made the most fuss over this would never be upskirted…. I guess they were jealous

  7. I was once at a boxing match where they still had card girls doing the rounds.

    On this occasion it was twins, very pretty, but every time they entered and left the ring there was a huge “WAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!” went up from the crowd as neither were wearing knickers and due to the shortness of their frocks neither could avoid the old grumble’n’grunt being flashed to those ringside.

    Now I wouldn’t go out of my way to enjoy this nefarious activity but when you’re getting a freebie eyeful, what the fuck are you supposed to do!?!

    Looking away is for flakes. Any red blood would have a gander surely?

    I’m sure if the tables were turned and some stud’s three-piece accidentally lolled out of his Calvin Klein’s I’m pretty sure real women would cop an eyeful of “meat & two veg” too!

    • Ho ho, yes indeed.
      A few years back, I was at a motorbike show and there was a bird in tiny hot pants draped over a bike who got the bright idea to stand on the footpegs and bend over the tank as low as possible.
      I was stood right behind her and, 4 or 5 pints in, shouted very loudly, “HOLY SHIT, YOU CAN SEE HER RINGPIECE!”
      I mean, you couldn’t…but you’ve never seen several dozen men move so fast!

      • Good evening Mr. Cunt Engine.
        Isn’t it wonderful how alcohol can loosen you up and enrich your vocal dexterity ?
        I remember getting plastered on home made Sloe Gin years ago. I made some absolutely filthy and disgusting suggestions to my wife’s dirty little sister, with regard to her rump.
        The atmosphere of our little social gathering was soured considerably and children had to be ushered out of the room . I retired to my bed shortly afterwards ( half past eight ) , hopelessly pissed.
        Woke up next morning with a bastard of a hangover and a furious Mrs. Cunter .
        It took me many, many, many years to break the habit.
        Dirty old soak.

  8. Used to know a girl who would go out of her way to give you a flash of thong in a short skirt. I suppose you would have to look away sharpish now with this law.

  9. The flabbot in tennis whites !!!!!!! Omg bent over would be like Africa’s great rift

  10. Wasn’t this made illegal a while back from all the mums in Asda complaining about it?

  11. Thank the Lord we have now had a bill that has taken up Parliamentary time to get it through the various to-ing and fro-ing twixt Commons and the Lords which maybe effects 1 in a 100,000 on the few days of sun and the dark lights of a club usually carried out by youths clowning around – lets face it – one tightly nipped pair of thighs is pretty much like one another – its just the scale of the blubber . Maybe a bill to protect the hundreds of young girls in Bradford, Oldham, Huddersfield, Halifax, Batley, Oxford et al from the clutches of those dark destroyers that actually will protect some white girls being passed around like a joint between the dirty bastards. On second thoughts no, the feminazi wouldnt go out of their way to protect exploited kids from the North nor shout loud enough to have it actually made illegal. I suppose the Police PLC will have “upskirting” as one of their key words and have you lifted for googling it.

  12. I like the fact it’s been made illegal.

    There’s so much more to the buzz when something’s been outlawed.

    Pretty much all of the things I enjoy in life are punishable in law.

    I’ve never tried ‘upskirting’ but I’m greatful for our useless politicians for bringing it to my attention, I hate shopping but am overcome with the urge to fuck off to the Trafford Centre right now.

    • Photographic shoes !
      Photographic shoes !
      Give me 3d vision,
      And the County Jail blues.
      Yeah !
      Get to fuck.

  13. In an attempt to curtail the down trend in High street spending, Poundstretcher and Marks and Spencer have engaged in a joint venture producing a line of clothing aimed at women in the later stages of pregnancy called Stretchmarks….

  14. Waste of parliamentary time. Think of all the brilliant things that could have been ushered in or bad things banned and they choose this trivia for legislation.

    Is upkilting banned as well? Just a thought.

    Load of wank.

    • Cuntologist, the “victims” of upkilting are, for the most part, white and male. No one will give a fuck

  15. Mum: You’re not going out in a skirt that short! Get upstairs and change, now!

    Offspring: Oh Mum….why?

    Mum: Because your bollocks are hanging out!

  16. Can’t find the legislation online. I understand it makes taking photos without consent an offence? So it’s “excuse me Miss, can I get a few snatch shots?” Peeking apparently has not yet been criminalised so “I’m sorry Miss I dropped my pen under your chair” is OK. I can see a whole load of unintended consequences of this urgently needed legislation (there were 11 prosecutions under existing legislation from 2015 to 2018) which was initiated by an offended snatch scratcher named Gina. Are all Ginas complete cunts? Gentlemen over 50 years of age will no longer be able to use mobile phones that have a camera because I can guarantee some neurotic bitch will accuse them of trying to photo their piss stains. In English law once accused automatically guilty. Cunts.

  17. No more naughty pictures of kilted soldiers then?
    Search – Queen kilted officer picture.
    And televised ballet will just be head and shoulder shots. Rather defeats the purpose.
    Circus high wire acts become male only.
    Women’s tennis played in trousers?
    What if woman is doing handstand or somersault? Oh, that will be classed as down-skirting.

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