Mobile Phone Anxiety (3)

I don’t have a mobile phone, nor do I want one. I’ve managed fine for 60 odd years without one, as has the human race since we first crawled out of our caves.

Still, they’re here now, and here to stay. Many people see mobile phones as an absolute, indispensable necessity of modern day existence, an essential tool to help organise a hectic life, and I’m absolutely cool with that.

But believe it or not, some twats actually get anxiety and stress when they’re parted from their little darling for even a short while, or have to switch it off. My goodness, however will they function if they’re unplugged from the electronic universe? Oh God, the office will completely cease to function if I can’t be reached for an hour! Jeez, how am I going to let all my Facebook followers know the riveting news that I’m currently in Starbucks, drinking my coffee?

Headshrinkers in America (where else?) have even come up with a fucking clinical term for the saps who experience this mental torment. It’s called ‘Cell Phone Withdrawal Syndrome’. In California, Snowflake Capital of the World, there are even mobile phone ‘addiction clinics’ where you can check in for ‘desensitivity programming’ or to ‘get clean’ in street parlance.
The saddest gits of all are those tossers who, when they can’t get a signal, desperately extend an arm in the air and frantically wave their precious smartphone about. That’s right you cocks; the additional couple of feet will enable you immediately to connect with the communications satellite orbiting approximately ten thousand miles above your head.

You couldn’t make it up.

Nominated by Ron Knee

My little shits won’t move from the bed without charge. I never had a cellphone until I was 23. Then I was mocked mercilessly for being a try-hard. Within weeks everyone had one and we were texting each other from one end of the dinner table to the other. Bit of harmless fun. We knew it was a novelty. We still had a phone connected to the wall and one fucking screen.

As I type this, every brat has a screen and a phone. The phone is connected to their hand and Fuck knows how they play Fortnite with the extra appendage, but they manage. And if I tell them to lose the screen time, they bitch about how awful a Mother I am. Cockheads, the lot of them but they run as a pack. They’re all on the same page. Currently I have one son playing with a friend in Tahoe. His Avatar name is Deeznuts. This kid yells so loud I feel like I have another child in the house.

My son’s Avatar is Lickmaballs. BTW

And half an hour ago, the oldest called me on his mobile to bring him a fucking towel!
A fucking towel! Called me from the other end of the House. Couldn’t drip his way to the linen closet.

Nominated by CaliAngel

39 thoughts on “Mobile Phone Anxiety (3)

  1. I was at a concert earlier in the week. A couple in front of me spent the entire time filming,texting and updating facefuck


  2. I used to go on about couples glued to there phones while in restaurants, not saying a word to each other. Now me and Mrs Fistula do it.
    Good morning.

    • I don’t know whats more sad my ineptitude at using this cursed device or my 60 yr old aging mum who can’t put the bloody thing down
      Good Morning bricktop

    • Morning Fenton!

      Neither me nor Lady Creampuff have mobiles, which means we are forced on a daily basis to face up to the fact that we have fuck all to say to each other.

      (Actually she has an iPhone, but it only sees light of day when she forays beyond city limits… and usually only then to tell me her return is imminent so make sure the dinner’s ready to serve the moment she walks back in.)

      • Morning Ruff Tuff, I really must start to reacquaint myself with the simple things in life. But without these bloody phones I would still have fuck all to say to Mrs F. And what would I do without my pals on Isacunt ????

      • Precisely – but you don’t need a phone to access ISAC.

        I use an iPad, or an Apple Mac when in the office.

        Besides I always feel anxious when the phone rings (they’re all cunts out there) so am phonephobic at the best of times. Would probably top meself if I had to carry a mobile everywhere…

  3. Human evolution will move on to the point where babies are born with bigger hands and fingers, along with drooping heads and bent backs in order to prepare them for mobilephonehood!

    Babies won’t be given dummies or a milk-laden tit to keep them quiet, it will be a phone or tablet (must be the latest Apple phone of course otherwise they’ll kick up a fuss!)

    No doubt they’ll want to hang on to their phones when they’re old, brown bread and about to be buried or cremated, such is their attachment (in all senses of the word) to their phones!

  4. Don’t really understand the big fascination with Fortnite, its sort of fun for a 3rd person shooter but i can’t play anymore than a hour of it without getting super fucking bored 100 players drop down and its survive as long as possible. yippee big deal hardly engaging

    My friends get slightly annoyed when I rightfully call it fartnite wanna play? fine but don’t expect me to help get u up, the hit mechanics are all screwed up in it too and I suck at the building element of the game

  5. Agree Cuntflap. Iโ€™ve developed a sense of self loathing . I donโ€™t use Facebook but I am addicted to Isacunt and have to keep checking it….You Cunts , what have you done to me ? ๐Ÿ˜‚

  6. I don,t have a mobile phone. I see them as largely unnecessary . My Grandchildren have them, all three are cross eyed with flat noses and a permanent crick in the neck. Normal conversation with them is not possible and may consist only of a few responsive grunts.
    My Grandchildren know everything about everyone of no consequence. The eldest ( aged 14 ) is a committed Corbyn supporter because of what her pocket phone tells her what to believe!
    My grandson believes that the British Army are murdering cunts who should be prosecuted. That belief too came from the mobile.
    A machine that was only ever intended to bring good, has brought great harm.
    As for those mentally challenged fuckwits who walk in front of my car, oblivious to me oncoming presence. Perhaps next time , I will find my brakepads ineffective.

  7. I,m off on holiday this month to Kielder! My wife thinks we should buy a phone “just in case pet “. Like fuck I will!

    • Hardly get a signal at Kielder, ASA. Be sure to have a meal at The Pheasant, Stannersburn. It’s a bit pricey I think,but it is good.

    • Watch out for the evil midges (one of godโ€™s Cuntiest creations) buy a headset before they go as they charge exorbitant prices for them in Kielder. The Holly Bush Inn is well worth a visit too. Have a good time!

  8. Deeznuts ๐Ÿ˜‚ What a champion.

    I sometimes frantically wave my mobile around in the air trying to get a better signal. Bloody work toilets, swear they deliberately lined the walls with metal to stop cunts like me posting on isac whilst pinching a loaf.

  9. I have one through the necessity of working for myself.

    Yesterday I visited #1 child for the day along with #2 child riding shotgun for the 5hr round trip.

    My phone was left in the car (which it where it’s always left if it’s my leisure time) for the day.

    Upon returning home – some 12hrs after leaving – I had 0 missed calls and 0 new text messages. That’s exactly how it should be IMO: a useful tool but no more important to my daily life than a screwdriver or cup of coffee.

    The thing that really rankles with this “first world” problem is that the cunts affected most from being separated from their devices/(anti) social media fixes, are the same cunts who see no issue with the very real 3rd world problems that they think we should allow this green and pleasant land to be infected with, in the name of diversity and multiculturalism.

    Bombs going off: fine.

    Pakistani Muslim rape gangs: fine.

    Culturally enriched stabbings, shootings and acid attacks: fine.

    The return of diseases we had eradicated – such as TB – being newly imported from the “Rainbow Nation”: fine.

    No easy access to a USB charging point: criminal offence punishable by death!


    Get fucking real you digital sheep cunts!

    Make sure you have a good signal for when the bubble bursts and you have to Google the instructions for “RUN, HIDE, TELL!” on a daily fucking basis!


  10. When I was a kid my mate next door used to call his grandparents by their first names. My parents thought it wasn’t right.
    My grandparents were nanny Pearl and grandad Dean so we just called them Grandma and Grandpapapapapapapapapa….

  11. When you think about it apart from being a device to talk to people with, the rest of the fecking stuff they do is all reading nothing tangible nothing productive like whittling a piece of wood or building a campfire. Fecking odd i find it.

  12. I resisted having an internet capable phone for ages, until Stepdaughter kindly presented me with this Samsung Galaxy thing.
    Now I use it for everything my old laptop could do. Listing stuff on ebay, checking e mails, keeping up with this fine website and watching Pat Condell and Sargon vids on Youtube (while they are still allowed, which they won’t be in the near future).

  13. and of course for every mobile phone or tablet, you’ll get the owner saying “Have you got a spare USB cable?” or “Can I charge my phone?” when visiting one’s home.

    Finding the right USB cable to fit a certain phone (especially Apple ones), is a right royal PITA. And said owner gets a little pissed off if I don’t have the right cable for her particular phone – like I’m Amazon ffs!

    And even if I do have the right cable and she plugs her phone in because her battery is down to the red zone and she’s gone into meltdown, she can’t leave it unattended for long! The charger is in the dining room and she is in the living room. But every 5 minutes she has to get up and check her phone for messages – just in case something really important has happened, like her friend has gone to Costa without her!

    And once her phone is topped up she unplugs it and takes my fucking USB cable with her when she fucks off home!


  14. Kayne West says he must now be reffered to as Ye.

    I prefer untalented uppity um bongo drinking descendent of a cotton picker.

  15. Mobile phones should be fitted with a device that makes them inoperable if the user has had a skinful. Powered by Bushnills you decide,at 2 in the morning,to make some of those awkward calls that you’ve been avoiding. A belief that you are quite the most witty and charming man ,you work your way down the Contacts List jabbing hopefully at any name which hasn’t already blocked you. The lucky ones are the ones who ignore your calls….never mind that you could actually be in the midst of an emergency, “Fuck the drunken old Cunt, he’ll be just as dead in the morning”. You leave them a voice mail along the lines off “I could be under siege from a bunch of homosexual coloured Pikeys,not that you’d care..Cunt…by the way,I hear that your a lezza these days, do you still take it up the shitter,got any photos?” and leaving this final example of your dazzling urbane charm,you hang up.
    The unlucky ones are the ones who answer. By now veering between maudlin recollections of past injustices and pure vitriol, you lurch alarmingly from proposals of an indecent nature to accusations of the vilest nature. Lulled by your own sense of invincibility you oh so cleverly swat away any protestations using your wit and charm…”Fuck Off, you old whore.” … an utterance worthy of Oscar Wilde you believe in your drunken state.
    I know that you could do all this on old phones,but at least when you woke up with a vague recollection of ringing someone,you weren’t faced with the dreaded Call History… “You made 15 calls”, “You answered 12 call”…..Oh, Dear God……

    Fuck them.

  16. Another irritation with phones is that no one will leave alone!

    I have a personal moby and a company one. Despite telling all my friends I will be out of the country and/or on holiday for x number of days for some PEACE & QUIET, the cunts still text me, still WhatApp me, still email, still actually ring me – all with totally pointless information that couldn’t wait until my return!

    And as for my company phone – I work in IT and have to do Out Of Hours cover. So certain critical servers & applications have alerts set up so that if they go offline or go tits up I will get a text alert at 2 in the morning!

    I, along with 3 of my colleagues do a round-robin shift because we all “volunteered” to do the OOH at only time and a third rate. Unfortunately we have a thick cunt of a boss who sucks cock big time to his boss, and insists that all problems – no matter how minor – should have alert triggers on them. Which means I get woken up at 2 or 3 in the morning because a mail server is taking slightly longer than usual to complete a fucking task!

    We never had this intrusive call-out method before mobies came along, but now once someone has got your number you are never left alone; and woe betide you if you switch your company phone off!!


  17. A lot of these mobiIe cunts would not know what to do with themselves without their little box of plastic and circuitry.
    I have the most basic mobile phone which makes and receives calls, and allows me to do something known as ‘texting’. It has no camera, no apps, games, or any other shite.
    I only ever take it out (the phone, that is) when driving somewhere, in case my car behaves like a cunt and I need to call the breakdown services. Other than that, the phone is never switched on.
    A while ago I was walking along the seafront, behind some typical vacuous young bint ,who was yakking typical bint bullshit on her phone for at least fifteen minutes, then she said, ‘ok see you in a minute, bye’. One of those eyeball rolling moments….
    There should be a law that mobiles are for emergency use only and that all mobiles should have a built in bullshit sensor, so that as soon as the cunt starts talking bullshit, like most mobile users do, the phone should immediately self-destruct, taking the cunt’s head off at the same time.

  18. CaliAngel
    Try giving t’ little shits a kick up t’arse. Never did me any ‘arm in maaaah day, ‘appen…

  19. The way that hotels give great emphasis to the Wifi password shows how these cunting things have taken over. I’m on holiday for Christ’s sake; I came to your hotel to get away from that shite!

  20. Ex wifey had gone seriously extra curricular. I find out. She’s clever. Factory manager. We go to pub by river to discuss stuff. I sit with tomato juice. No booze. Every 2 minutes phone rings. She’s laughing and gurning to colleagues. Me, macho finally. If that fucking thing rings once more, it’s going in the river, followed shortly thereafter by you. We divorced.

  21. Having no friends, I don’t need one. I am approaching the age where talking to my imaginary friend passes unheeded, so I’ll stick with him, and save myself a good bit of cash being bled from my account by a ripoff contract for untold contractual years.

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