Learner drivers

Learner drivers. Cunts. Every fucking single one.
And now they can drive on motorways….

I used to like motorway driving, when there were no learners on it.
Now I cannot even be a passenger on the motorway without having my piss boil at some idiot learner thinking their smart car is nine feet wide, randomly indicating (they would indicate ‘up’ if it was possible) or hovering around in the fast lane at 55 thinking that they are stuck “because no-one will let them out”.

They would have us believe that the test has become harder in recent years, but I don’t believe a fucking word of it. Stupidity abounds, please consider:

It would appear no-one knows what right of way is anymore.
It would appear no-one knows how a roundabout works anymore.
It would appear no-one knows what gears are for anymore.

Apparently reversing out around a corner onto a main road into oncoming traffic is ok.
Apparently 3 point turns in the centre lane at traffic lights is ok.
Many people consider the function of chair controls an opportunity to ape the late steven hawking.

It costs a million quid to pass your test now.
It costs a million quid to insure your car now.
Oh hold on, of course, they’ll be accompanied by an instructor…
Well that’s alright then, isn’t it.
Now we can all sleep easy at the wheel.

For fucks’ sake, are we talking about the elderly feller catching 40 winks next to the learner whilst using the spare pedals as a footrest, or are we talking about the instructor who’s financially going places impersonating dom jolly on his fucking mobile phone? Maybe it’s the feminatzi one who’s gonna show how to reverse park.

Get fucked the lot of you, and your examiners who perpetrate this nonsense by allowing people to sit their tests 20 times if necessary.

Call me unfair, but if you can’t get it after a couple of goes then I don’t think you should be risking my family’s life by fluking a pass at attempt 23.

I personally think that your first lesson should start with a slideshow of mangled bodies at car accidents followed by a tortuous hospital visit to those that survive said crashes (whilst they are still in ICU) followed by a harrowing visit to the bereaved.

Following that if you demonstrate at least a partial understanding of the inertia involved with 1 tonne of metal multiplied by 50 mph then you may begin.

Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and this is just the british answer to the van of peace.

Fucking simians.

Nominated by Cuntflap

50 thoughts on “Learner drivers

  1. I can’t agree with this cunting I’m afraid. I think the problem is with the instructors trying to play safe all the time and hold their students back.

    I found this when I was a learner – I’d feel confident enough to try something new or actually drive at the fucking speed limit rather than ten below but of course, instructor knows best. Cunts.

    Although with the introduction of audio and video recording inside and outside of instructor cars, given enough time there will be a a notable improvement in the standard of driving on the road.

    Gone will be the days of shit, female learner drivers saying to their male instructor “I’ll suck your dick for a pass” or “if you don’t pass me I’ll tell the police you made me suck your dick. More women passing on the merit of their driving will be a net benefit for everyone.

  2. Apparently the best time to take your test is on a Friday afternoon when the examiner hasn’t made his pass quota for the week.

    Come to Suffolk. It’s an eye opener. Sit at my kitchen window and watch the entertainment as they try to park, watch the 23 point turns, watch them drive up the pavement smashing the fuck out of my garden fence posts (6 times now I’ve replaced the bloody things)

    Yes if you think drivers are cunts, come to Silly Suffolk. It’s a real fucking experience…

    • ‘Silly Suffolk’is actually a corruption of the Anglo-Saxon ‘selig Suffolk’. Selig meaning: fortunate, blessed or holy.

      Not a lot of people know that… though sure you do Dio.

      • I thought it was ‘Silly Sussex’. (Kipling’s ‘Puck of Pook’s Hill” etc.)

      • IMHO, there seem to be a lot of people driving around who probably don’t have licences (unless they got them off the back of a packet of dates).

      • I am not sure what driving tests our Eastern European friends are required to pass other than how to steer a horse and cart.

        Have seen some seriously bad driving locally, speeding, wrong side of the road, and trying to turn right at a roundabout from the approaching left hand lane (cutting across the driver in the correct lane).

        I suspect many of our Eastern European friends are pissed or under the influence, and without the necessary tax and insurance etc. Proportionately more Eastern European car related crimes according to our local paper (however always described from Ipswich)- no Living in Ipswich, not from Ipswich. Cunts.

        Seem to remember that some bright spark in government came up recently with the fantastic idea of doing away with tax discs, and rather than saving £10m, actually cost the government £100m due to reduced revenues. He probably got a promotion.

        Regarding the general standard of driving, remember reading of many, many instances where experienced drivers/doppelgangers (mainly Indian I recall) were hired in order to take the tests for poor or bad drivers. Reckon there must be thousands out there who have never passed a legitimate test.

        Worst drivers (apart from our Eastern European friends) in my opinion, by far, are Peaceful women. Usually dressed in rags and wearing glasses.

        One drove me several hundred yards once and she was indecisive, slow, and a danger to other drivers. Especially at a major roundabout. Vowed never again. Her dented, scratched and battered seven seater shit box should have been a give away. Thankfully she fucked off to live somewhere else.

      • I did knew that Tuffy – they like to remind you of it every time you misquote it.

        Personally I reckon cunt Suffolk fits better.

        I passed my car test at 9am on my,seventeenth birthday. I had a full bike licence and had been driving a Reliant Robin three wheeler for six months. Never had a driving lesson in my life – and I still drive better than the cunts round here…

    • Exactly what happened to me Dio, although this was many years ago. Passed on a friday afternoon and in honesty I drove like a fucking clown. Didn’t really ‘learn’ to drive until I’d passed though, A’s is the case with many things I suppose.

      • I passed on a Friday morning, (06/02/81) my instructor drove us both to a pub, got himself shitfaced then made me drive him home. Later that day I almost killed myself in a suicidal overtaking manoeuvre and have driven mostly safely ever since.
        Today though I got fed up with following a car transporter from Boston to Grantham, which was itself being followed by 2 knobhead women who wouldn’t have overtaken on the single lane road if the fucking road was 3 lanes with no other car on the planet. Overtook all 3 in a 16 year old 1.6l Ford Focus Auto with 4 people in it, would never have done so except for the frustration, and fucking LOVE that car now.

    • I have to admit to being a Double cunt, when my father was on his way out and a litttle frail I got fed up with the cunt down the bridal way who liked to trash his verge with his/her landrover.
      I dug a nice deep hole (about a foot) and buried a granite kerb stone end up leaving a nice 9″ lump of stone sticking up much like the other lumps of stone placed there, that said landrover cunt would bump out the way (I do like Landrovers but unfortunatley the newer ones are driven by tossers).
      Now I mention double cunt, I knew my father would not be able to shift what I had put in and he objected to what I had done.
      a couple of days latter the front verge was littered with bits of wheel where mr/mrs landrover cunt fucked their wheel and trim up on said object, after that the verge remains to this day intact.

    • Make your next fence posts out of old US missiles that they’ve left at all their old East Anglian haunts and the next time some twat hits one launch them into orbit. Gets rid of a cunt and makes old American munitions useful again jobs a good un.
      And don’t think the random use of indicators or general poor driving standards are exclusive to learners there are plenty of older cunts and foreign arseholes round my neck of the woods. No wonder King George was alleged to say “Bugger Bognor” he probably had a premonition of the collapse in driving standards.

  3. Just too many fuckers on the roads these days.

    Like you used to loved driving- now queues of traffic almost every single journey.

    Allowing more and more cunts into the country is just going to ruin another fucking enjoyment I once had.

    • Never got to experience the glory days. Love driving, but not on our road system. Fucking potholes galore and extreme dimwittery. Can’t even get 100m before some cuntnugget comes the other way.

      • Most recent driving enjoyment USA Mid West (Nevada/Utah/Montana/Wyoming plus separate occasion San Francisco coast road to Las Angeles) and Spain (Malaga region- where the roads were excellent.

      • I certainly agree with some of what you say cuntflap. My piss is boiled on a daily basis on the roads, mainly because I ride a motorbike and the enjoyment is rapidly disappearing due to the lack of driving skills by many on the roads. My dads female boss passed her test after 27 (twenty seven) attempts. For fuck sake, she can’t drive so why has she got a license? If anyone comes across an old beaten up blue Volvo 440 with an old duchess at the wheel, get out the fucking way. Quick.

      • Know exactly what you mean, ride a motorbike too. Now I mostly just commute on it, because while it’s great for the town traffic, anything farther afield is a pissboiler. The joy’s gone: too much traffic and too many speed cameras.

        But I have to moderate the boiling re learners; we all have to learn. It’s the fucking instructors, who bring their most hopeless cases out during the rush hours in order to add… to the lights and arbitrary 40 limits applied to anywhere within a mile of a housing development (unspeakable cunts; not even doing anything to the road, and fucking up the traffic for months on end)…to the BMW drivers who are presumably driving illegally on provo licenses for all the road sense they exhibit…to Bradley Wigginsoids, whose velocity would be much improved by the medications they only use on race day…and young wimminz in absurd convertibles…yeah, I’m prepared to give learners a break.

      • Don’t get me started on the Lycra brigade Komodo! I agree that the learner driver fraternity do have to be given some slack as they are learning although I am as guilty as anyone at sucking in my breath and tapping on the steering wheel when stuck behind one. Much to Mrs cuntbubble’s annoyance! Great on a motorbike as you can just whizz past the cunts.

  4. If it ain’t broke why fuck about trying to fix it!?

    Why add another problem to the many other problems with motorway driving? Previous learners who passed their tests managed to cope with the motorway, even with the help of a ‘P’ plate; so why let complete learners add an extra complication to an already complicated formula? More so when the dark cold days of winter arrive, and learners are struggling to cope at speeds of 70+ on unforgiving lanes that are not lit with overhead lights.

    It won’t be long before driverless cars come into the picture as well. They’ll be on the motorways with all their vagueness and vulnerabilities; add that to the existing mix of dizzy learner drivers; nutjobs driving pissed/drugged up; arrogant drivers; boy-racers; tired drivers; HGV drivers who “didn’t see you there, mate!” when overtaking; caravan cunts; middle-lane dawdlers, Sunday drivers and a load of other cunts that make the motorway driving experience a total fucking nightmare!

  5. While we were all learners at some point, I do agree that some now appear to be allowed onto the public highway far too early in the process.

    My formal driving tuition was by a 6’2″, brick shithouse, ex-army instructor who really didn’t fuck about. For the first lesson, he drove me to an industrial estate on a Sunday morning, stuck me in the driver’s seat and said “You have 5 minutes to prove to me you’re not going to be a danger or hindrance to other road users during our lessons. If you don’t, I’ll drive you home and we’ll call it a day. I won’t charge you”.

    It may sound harsh but if you’ve ever been stuck behind a learner weaving about at 10mph in a 40mph area, I think you’d welcome his approach be adopted more widely.

    • There’s a good case for turning over our plethora of disused airfields to basic training (in clapped stock cars) for learners. M/C CBT could also be conducted there, in realistic shit traffic conditions. Suicidal petrolheads would have open access at weekends, to give Darwin a chance, too.

    • My late mother (The Bitch) learnt with an ex-plis driving instructor.
      Driving was the only thing she was trustworthy at.

    • I had an ex army instructor too he really emphasised the importance of look, listen and learn and real repetition of the difficult manoeuvres, he made me do three point turns on a road which a camber like the slopes of everest and near to curves in the road so I really had to get it spot on but when I came to the test it was so easy I could do a three point turn in half a roads width. Proper strict tuition but passed first time. I am a shit driver, too aggressive, much too fast, get road rage at the flash of a headlight etc but I do show manners, I let people out, I INDICATE wherever appropriate, use the minimum of braking on motorways to keep the flow going, get to the left lane as soon as possible, in my mind its balanced driving but each to there own. Stay safe especially you Bikers I’m off the bikes at the moment as I had a massive crash on the Motorway on my bike and it could have been a lot more serious but wasn’t. Caused by a blind van driving cunt.

  6. If NATO was a collective defence against Stalin’s possible invasion
    of Western Europe in the aftermath of WW2, then what the fuck is
    it doing in Afghanistan…..not in the North Atlantic or Western
    European areas in 2018?

  7. Off topic amd my apologies, but the Al-BBC have released annual top annual salaries again:


    The usual shitcunt squawking on eqaulity aside, ultimate arch cunt in chief Lineker gets £1.75million per year BBC salary; on top of his BT Sports wage and adverts.

    Anyone with a TV license is helping to put the artisan bread in the mouths of Lineker’s subhuman sons. just think about that.

    • Am I the only one wishing that Linekunt hadn’t drowned down a pothole somewhere ?
      Or shortly after birth ?

  8. Didn’t it used to be ‘mirror, signal, manoeuver?
    It now seems to be ‘manoeuver, indicate afterwards sometimes and fuck the mirror. Unless on a school run where no rules apply.

    • It’s ‘slow down a bit for about a mile, brake sharply to a halt, turn slowly, indicators optional when you’re done’. No mirrors are involved.

    • Mirror, apply toxic amounts of lipstick, take selfie, rummage around in tarty “designer” udder-handbag, and when you feel up to it, just pull out.

  9. Great cunting, couldn’t agree more.
    All cunts. You’d think that they’d pull over every now and then to let people past and don’t even get me started on the kind of cunt that has a driving lesson during rush hour on a Monday morning …. CCCUUUNNNTTTSSS.

    Also, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve seen a learner car driven like an absolute shit cunt just to pull alongside it and realise that there’s no learner in it. THAT’S THE FUCKING INSTRUCTOR.
    Useless cunts.

  10. BBC Business news earlier today.

    Two female presenters (in the interests of balance why no male) briefly talking about tonight’s England vs Croatia match.

    One of the clueless tarts said “Come on England” to which the other responded “And come on Croatia- because we are not bias on the BBC”.

    Yeah………..right. Just like with Brexit.

    Also Victoria Derbyshire wearing a fucking stupid waistcoat and tie.

    Pathetic cunts all of them.

  11. I would just like to add a subcunting of people who whine about our admittedly exorbitant petrol prices, but can’t restrain themselves from buying something big enough to carry all their worldly possessions, including the elephant in the room, which does 10 mpg. And are then the sole occupant of the same.

  12. Costs a bomb to learn to drive now, my girlfriends daughter has just passed her motorbike test(1st time) and in total including CBT, theory test, hazard perception test, lessons and practical test it cost just over 700 quid.

    700 fucking quid? It only cost me 900 to get my artic licence! I don’t think by motorbike licence cost more than 250 quid when I did it.

      • MrC, my mind boggles…CBT ?
        Cognitive behaviour therapy; cock & ball torture ?

      • Compulsory Basic Training they call it, basically you have to spend the best part of 100 pounds to ride around a few cones in a car park before they let you ride a motorbike on L plates.

  13. Consider this. I have a motorbike licence. Apart from tearing around part of Africa, on deserted roads about 25 years ago I haven’t driven a bike regularly for 40 years. When the power was much less anyway. Yet I can buy and ride the biggest fuck-off monster on the road. And I would be a menace to myself and others.
    I should be made to go through a test again if I am ever tempted to buy a bike. I would of course be a model learner, unlike the subjects of this cunting.

    • I did something similar years ago, CC. Had been riding something moderately speedy for its day, uninsured, round deserted Highland roads on a provisional for years. Fined a fiver a couple of times: overall cash profit.

      Had to do the full learner performance when I returned to civilisation, though. Bloody hell, what a shite rider I realised I’d been! Very strongly recommend signing up with a good school if you come back, and hope you do. There’s a conversion course from 33hp to larger, which may be what you want, but I’d strongly recommend doing the full monty.

      • You will also need:
        1. Eyes in the back of your head
        2. The reflexes of a scalded cat on amphetamines
        3. Michelin Pilot Road rubber.

      • My late wife’s brothers father in law died a few years ago in his late 60’s.

        He drove everywhere but never passed his UK driving test.

      • @ Willie

        Do you mean he was driving illegally?

        If he was a driver before the test was introduced in 1935, he would not have been obliged to take a test. Driving tests were also suspended during the war years, 1939 – 1945, and reintroduced in Nov. 1946.

        My father also never took /passed a UK driving test.

      • He was born well after 1935 Ruff Tuff and was driving illegally for well over 40 years.

        Only told by his wife after he died.

        Don’t know whether he bothered with tax and insurance, or even if he could get it if he had not passed his test.

        All I know is that his insurance would have been invalid in the event of an accident.

        If he chose not to, the lenient fines associated with being caught are fuck all anyway so probably worth taking the risk and must have saved himself a small fortune.

      • I know a guy who brought a GSXR 1000cc as his first bike…totalled the fucker within 1 week. I’ve been riding for 10 years and recently treated myself to a GSXR 750 but took 2 refresher courses before I went out on the vicious bastard. Glad I did or I’d have probably ended up as a meat crayon.

      • ‘If it’s got your number on it’ tale: A mate had had his GSXR750 for a few months, and a year ago dropped it. Static, at the lights, when they changed he misjudged the distance between the car he’d filtered past and the central island, and lost control completely – the bike fell on his leg. He still has scaffolding round his knee.

        Frightening moments are minimised on my SV1000, and being an old, old cunt, that’s the way I like it.

      • Fuck, that’s nasty. All it takes is 1 mistake and we’ve all made them. I had an SV650s as my first bike. Had it for 7 years. Fantastic bikes sv’s. Plenty of grunt if & when you need it but so good and nice to ride. I miss that bike tbh.

      • Doesn’t compete with a BSA rocket good star, Triumph Bonneville or Norton Commanding though does it?…
        Mine was a T100. Totalled it and bloody near totalled my right leg at the same time

      • My previous was an SV650. Totally solid bike, but conceptually different from the 1000S – which I like even better, if possible: when it goes south I’ll just get another one. SK5 for preference, still some low-milers around

        Had a 5TA (minus its tin bodywork) long ago, Dio, and always lusted after an RGS. I span ancient and modern, me.

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