Chimneysweeps

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Chimney sweeps…fucking chimney sweeps.

Now you wouldn’t think that such an innocuous occupation would earn a cunting,would you? Well you’ve never met the pair of shysters that I had to deal with today. Normally I sweep the chimneys myself,but this one is in a room that I hardly ever use and I knew that there had been a crows nest down it since spring,so I thought that I’d better get someone in to do it. I had a chimney fire once….scared the shit out of me.

Anyhow, father and what I took to be his wife,but turned out to be his son,turned up and set to to. Talk about making a fucking meal of it,you’d have thought they were doing a heart transplant,not just sticking a few rods up a chimney. Eventually I asked them what the fuck was taking them so long. They couldn’t string it out any longer and started to put their gear away. I immediately bolted for my workshop and fired up the big Husqi chainsaw,revved it like fuck for a few minutes while numb-nuts stood with his bill in his hand.

Eventually I put the saw down and took his bill off him. Just as I suspected,it was twice his original quote. “We had to put the camera up,that’s an extra 50,and removing and disposing of the nest is extra too” the eternal optimist announced. Told the Cunt to throw the nest on the woodchip heap and that it was hardly my fault if he couldn’t do his job without a fucking camera,the old sweeps always managed.

Between the idling chainsaw,the dogs and being a thoroughly unreasonable Cunt,I managed to negotiate a discount…a discount to what his original basic price had been.

Greedy bastards.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

45 thoughts on “Chimneysweeps”

    • Writer,sophisticate ,cultural critic,philosopher …. there really is no beginning to my talents, CMC. 🙂 .

  2. Well done for fronting the cheeky fuckers out, like you say they have swept for years without camera’s so why should you pay extra for a tool he needs to bolster his ability to an old school sweep?

    You should have told him your last sweep charged half of his prices and that was including a dance display put on by him & his fellow sweep brethren and your randy nanny.

    I had to hammer up an elderly neighbour who’s chimney was a had, when she opened the front door I could hear the thing roaring away like a jumbo jet on take off.

    Ooooooh son, is that what that noise is? Silly old mare only realised the extent when the fire brigade who i called turned up.

    Heat damaged the internal stack and brigade ordered she get it lined before lighting it again. Saw some pics of her on the wall from her youth and I would have lined her stack myself if she had been 30 years younger. Can’t even remember a thanks either, wished I’d just left her watching Emmerdale now and watched the fun from the window.

  3. Looks like they’ve nailed that slimy cunt Green. Knew it all along. May’s strongest ally. Say no more.

    • Big difference between “images viewed thousands of times” and “thousands of viewed images” So what did the copper actually say? Well, depends which paper you read.

      Still no evidence it was Green’s own computer or that he knew about it. Let’s work on innocent until proven guilty and wait for some facts rather than politically motivated conjecture…

      • Forensic cop who examined Green’s computer at the time made it clear on radio this morning that the chances of it being anyone other than Green who viewed/downloaded the images was infinitesimal.

        But agree. Still not proved in a court of law. And probably never will be after Green resigns.

      • http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42151148

        “The computer was in Mr Green’s office, on his desk, logged in, his account, his name,” said Mr Lewis, who at the time was working as a computer forensics examiner for SO15, the counter-terrorism command.
        “In between browsing pornography, he was sending emails from his account, his personal account, reading documents… it was ridiculous to suggest anybody else could have done it.”

      • Purely objectively, I think the phrase “beyond any REASONABLE doubt” comes into play.

        So evidence doesn’t have to be 100 per cent…

        And given that evidence can be falsified, there’s generally room for manoeuvre somewhere.

      • Recall thinking at the time, around 2009, following Green’s dodgy arrest and Plod’s heavy handed raid on his home & offices, that it was strange Green didn’t kick up a fuss following his subsequent release without charge, especially when you consider New Labour’s habit at the time of abusing its anti-terrorism legislation for party political purposes. Remember the Walter Wolfgang incident?

        So was Plod’s deal with Green: “Kick up a fuss, and we’ll reveal what we found on your computer…” ?

        That’s my suspicion.

      • They must be able to trace all the other porn searches made from the house(s) too?

        Can’t have rules for one and not all the others.

      • Why is it that resignation appears to be get out of jail free card from any further investigation these days?

        Next time I get done for anything, I’m gonna resign from the scouts and that should clear up any wrong doing. I never officially resigned so still must be affiliated.

        Do you think my RAC membership resignation would get me off from any future motoring offences?

        Maybe I should accept a Tesco Clubcard and go on a shoplifting mission, can always resign my member position when I get caught with a case of red wine up my jumper.

      • Jail was never a likely option, as images found were not illegal. It’s the cover up and alleged lying that would be his downfall and reason for resignation.

  4. These two Cunts don’t sound like the chirpy burst into song at any moment faux cockney dick van dyke in Mary poppins!!
    I bet they fuckin pull that stroke everywhere they go! Piss taking pair of chancers!!
    I had some totally useless twat over to try and fix my dishwasher, it was working but would often switch itself off?, so you would think it’s a timer switch issue? Anyway this cunt could have been arrested for over acting at the scene of a repair!! , he had obviously watched the hurt locker recently as he appeared to treat my dishwasher like an iED! , he tried the old back to the workshop routine ( take appliance away, do small repairs, keep it for a week then produce heafty bill)
    Fucked him off and got a recommendation who came in a fixed it in 30 mins!! …….
    unfortunately there’s a lot of cheeky Cunts about………
    chim chimney chim chimney!!

    • Wonder if it costs extra to take the soot away these days.

      Do you think they may have been pikey sweeps who were really using their camera equipment to film the Doulton figurines & family silverware and plan a future break in?

      If you find the soot and troublesome bird nest dumped around the corner, they are probably pikey sweeps.

      The tree surgeon ones my neighbour used dumped his tree clippings in the nearby kids play park of all places.

  5. A sad day when the British sweep joins the ranks of the cuntitude. Almost as bad as when fly tipping became an olympic sport; bastard’s

  6. Off point….
    saw two headlines today that made me laugh but for all the wrong reasons ( annoyed)
    The guardian shouts “ project fear has become brexit reality “ but don’t worry they have the answer?? It’s simple… another referendum! Fuck me ……
    And according to House of Commons committee on leaving the EU there’s no chance of avoiding a hard border in Ireland?? Says Hilary Benn, mind you benns understanding of things isn’t particularly clever, this from the man who denied that mass immigration had absolutely anything to do with housing shortage!! Nothing at all?

    Also after talking about renationalising railways and utilities he got taken apart by Andrew Neil who tried to explain we could do neither if we remained in the EU!!
    Benn is a blithering fuckin idiot!! His father would be ashamed of his toady EU loving son !!

    • Agree entirely. And frightening to think that the official opposition – just a heartbeat away from power – are all without exception dangerous, grade A, blithering fucking idiots!

  7. Sounds a bit like a SIXT quote to rent a BMW 5 Series for £49 quid for the day.

    Not even close!

    Folk quoting one thing and the reality being another boils my piss!

    I had a plumber round to fix a khazi site unseen. I described the issue best I could and he mentioned two things one would be around £60 the other £75 Inc. labour. Fair enough.

    He turns up. Explains it wasn’t what he expected after all (audible sigh from me) and that it was just a syphon so £40 all in (and he was in for 3/4s of an hour and cleaned up after himself, etc.). Now that’s quality service.

    Dunno if it’s me or not but the tradesmen “darn sarf” are a lot less trustworthy/try it on-y than folk up north. In my experience at least.

    • “Dunno if it’s me or not but the tradesmen “darn sarf” are a lot less trustworthy/try it on-y than folk up north. In my experience at least.”

      Abso-cunting-lutely, 100% my experience as well.

      Present cunters accepted but I utterly fucking loathe tradesmen con-cunt merchants in London, Kent, Essex and environs. Always called fucking Dave, Mike or Cunt, these bastards would haggle to the threepenny bit in selling their grandma, then use the proceeds to buy stolen Copper pipe from Churches.

      Each one a conniving fucking cunt to the last, they spend an inordinate amount of time telling you “Wot yur best orf doin, mate”, but aren’t nearly as proficient at actually carrying out the work than they are gabbing about it. Packed shit-full of excuses for late work and shoddy finishes, give me the fuckers in the North any time. And I say that as a Southerner myself.

    • Might have guessed that SIXT advert was a lot of shite. If these deals don’t exist, they should feel the full force of the advertising standards people, and I don’t mean I light tickling from someone with a Ken Dodd like stick.

  8. Window cleaners are also cunts… If you’re at work or not in, the cunts -more often than not – don’t even touch the windows… Then the skiving bastards turn up expecting to be paid… Same cunts also expect to be paid for cleaning windows when it’s pissing down… Cunts…

    • I sacked mine years ago after I came home to no TV signal, thanks to a clout from a ladder to my dish. Sly™ wanted about £90 call out for following morning (Saturday).

      Cunt came later for his money and I explained and showed him my no signal status. He still wanted his £4 so told him it was his last and to get himself & crew to fuck.

      I then put the Sly™ box into the signal status page and wacked the dish with a brush until it was back in position.

  9. Dick Van Dyke is a hlaf-dead cuntworthy specimen for his chim-chim-en-ney arseholery alone and that fucking wanked out faux cock-en-ney accent.

    • As far as I am concerned, Dick van Cunt is the Godfather for any and all mockney accents in film and TV.

  12. Jack Butland should be England’s number one choice as keeper because Joe Hart is making “terrible mistakes”, says 1966 World Cup winner Gordon Banks.. That’s because Hart is shite and a useless cunt, Banksy…

    • I know fuck all and care less about football but I suspect a one-eyed geriatric Banks would be better than the cunts England usually employ.

    • Perhaps he should stick to shampoo adverts, although to be fair he was shite in those as well.

  13. The MPs criticising Trump is a full ring circus in itself. They all claimed he promoted hate,but what exactly about the content is promoting hate? The tweets simply show regular Moslems acting like savages. The tweets expose the hate of hateful Moslems. It is the exact opposite of what they’re claiming

    How is it that these are the descendants of the men who built a global empire? It’s utterly sickening to see what’s going on in the British parliament these days. They’ve relinquished their entire empire to savages and now they’re in the process of giving up their home country. All in the name of tolerance, diversity and whatever else. Trump has managed to throw the entire British political establishment into an upheaval over three retweets. He’s made them all look like the fools that they are.

    They’re literally more concerned about hurting the feelings of Moslems than Moslems blowing them up. The media brushed aside the actual content and instead blamed the original tweeter who is apart of britan first and is currently being arrested on frivolous “hate speech charges” all for speaking her mind and having political views that don’t snuggly “fit” into theirs

    • He’s just calling them out on their behaviour with clear evidence.

      They scream their “get out of jail” card that is the “I word / islamaphobic”.

      The race then begins for the MP’s to get tweeting & tutting their disgust before the media shame them into commenting.

    • Johnson is nothing but a blustering bag of piss and wind. People should see through his bumbling,avuncular persona and recognise him for the incompetent,devious,deceitful,self-obsessed charlatan that he really is.

  16. Good cunting is that.

    My old folks accepted a phone call and subsequent “free” survey (despite me telling them not to) from some cunts trying to sell house insulation on the wow factor of a thermal camera. Despite them having cavity wall and loft work done some years ago. They thankfully had the wits on the day to ask me over at the appointment time, and it was all wonderful till I asked them to cast their magic on our young neighbours. They were glowing as red as a baboons arse, and when I suggested they approach them, the reply was that they had fixed schedules. Fucking chancers somehow getting details and numbers looking to exploit oldies. The cunts.

  17. You should have called Dick Van Dyke
    AND told him just sweep it …,, no singing or dancing or you would sweep his arse
    ………..

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