British workmanship

Breaking news

UK newest aircraft carrier built at a cost of £3,100,000,000 leaking after less than a month. Taking on 200 litres of sea water every hour.

Surely we would have expected at the very least that the ship would be seaworthy and watertight, this surely being a prime requisite for the job in hand?

FFS, can’t this country get anything right?

What fucking useless cunts.

Nominated by Willie stroker

94 thoughts on “British workmanship

  1. Fuck me, the fucking thing will sink like a stone when they put real planes on it instead of those balsa wood elastic band thingies.

  2. Fantastic workmanship, the world will be watching and laughing – all looking great for those miraculously advantageous post-Brexit trade deals!

  3. After many years working alongside grey funnel line this does not surprise me. The vessel is currently on a “shakedown !” period. For the uninitiated this is to beast the ship and its company, they actually look for the roughest shit weather they can find and plough right on in to it for weeks on end, they turn at top speed within half a degree of capsizing to stress everything they can and fuck me a pathetic 200 litres an hour is coming in, whoopee shit!! now 200 tonnes an hour that may make the pumps do more than tick over, its not in real service till late next year when it will be fit for service. Now slag off the destroyers and the LSA’s as much as you like cos they are shit, but give this fucker a chance .

    • Ìndeed. Apparently a faulty shaft seal. Said seal could have been made in Chinky Winky land for all we know.

    • Couldn’t agree more with Toryboy.

      The average U.K. bath is about 80 litres with tub baths being well over 100.

      Most Combi’s deliver around 18 litres of hot water a minute.

      So put it in persepective.

      This is around 2 baths full of water in 10 minutes, yet this quantity is taking an hour.

      I bet you’d be proper fucked off if you had to wait an hour to fill a bath out of a single tap.

      The QE is one of the biggest aircraft carriers in the world, built in huge sections that stretch and contract in relation to each other and the 200 litres an hour isn’t coming from a single source it’s from the entire area of the ship.

      It’s a fucking non story. Full cunting stop.

    • Right on, Toryboy, that makes sense to me. On a much smaller scale, I was on a trawler for a while, and it was received wisdom in the community that if you got a new boat you’d be spending the next three months dealing with teething troubles. But still can’t work out why
      no in-passage adjustment to the QE’s stern gland appears to be possible. For a warship I’d have thought that was essential.

      Now can we get on with cunting the fucking useless F-35s which may one day fly off the ship? I stress, may.

    • Absolutely correct TB……
      It’s being tested to destruction!
      Fuckin bull shit papers and TV building up a nothing story…. by the time it’s in active service it will be more than fit for purpose…….
      Also MOD won’t be picking up the tab that will be down to the manufacturer…..

      • If all that’s true (and I don’t doubt it is) then what I posted on the subject elsewhere must be total bollocks. Fair cop, m’ lud…

  4. I’m not an old cunt, yet, but when I started in engineering 20 years ago, I was shown how to take a pride in things. I love making things, I know CNC machines help, but I still have to use a surface grinder now & again. I’m wondering how many peaceful cunts were contracted in on this.

    Speaking of when I started in engineering… my forman’s wife, oh fucking hell, 20 years younger than him she was, and 20 years older than me. And she had one of those faces, a pair of those tits, and one of those arses.

  5. And guess who has to foot the repair bill when shoddy workmanship is discovered and the aircraft carrier or whatever has to go back to the manufacturer? The taxpayer of course, because our thick as Terry Fuckwit governments (Blair onwards) have been hoodwinked by the private sector into signing contracts that exempt them from liability if the ship they produce is not fit for purpose.

    Typical Government cunts again pissing other people’s good money down the shitter after bad. Ffs – if there’s no comeback, where’s the fucking incentive to do the job properly?! In fact it works out the opposite – do a bad job and we’ll pay you a second time to put it right…like that ridiculous contract with Southern Rail, making the taxpayer responsible for paying compensation to passengers if there’s a strike or the trains don’t run properly. Again, no incentive to be responsible or do a decent days work.

    This country is indeed fucked.

    • Too right JR Cuntley.
      It’s only a faulty seal FFS.
      That aircraft carrier is a magnificent achievment.
      Something to be proud of for a change.

      • Problem is that it’ll prolly waft in and out of the English Channel on high days and holidays cos we can’t afford to fuel it, man it or stock it with more than one plane at a time.

        Bit like the cranky old cunt who used to have a pristine Morgan that he’d fetch out of his garage, undo the belt over the bonnet, check the oil, turn it over and then wheel the cunt back in again.

        “She only comes out when there’s 3 ‘R’s in the month!”

        I used to put a shed load of bread out to attract the local pigeon populace in the hope that they’d shite all over his pristine (and treated that day – again) leather.

        I’ve had more than a clip off me Mam as her washing copped for a load or two.

        Worth it! Miserable auld cunt! Fucker made Scrooge look like Santa Clause before the ghosts visited him!

      • Will end up out in the med doing humanitarian duties.

        That’s getting the “migrants to safety” to me and you. Pity they can’t get the destination right.

  6. It is beyond a fucking joke, but perfectly understandable… we are lucky the fucking thing didn’t sink.

    I know we take the piss out of those yee-hawrin americans and what they do, but at least they can build a floaty thingy that floats… and theirs are just a little bit bigger. The smug grinning cunts.

  7. The craftsmen were head hunted from British Leyland. Expect the hull to rust through in a few weeks.

  8. Come on people, ffs. It’s a fucking floating city and there is a seal that needs replacing. This is a dog wank of a cunting. I won’t stand for it at all. Unless it was built in Scotland.

  9. Fair play, the two new ships are “clear signals of our global power”. Leaky and incontinent so that is clear enough. Built by pissed jocko’s in Rosyth so entirely appropriate the extortionately expensive fucker should be going aroinde pissing 45 gallons (sod litres) an hour doine its leg.
    Further fair play, the bastard is on its sea trials which are intended to show up embarrassing little details like this but it is S.O.P. (Standard Operating Procedure) for the M.O.D to keep a tight lid on all operational matters such as armaments, speed, range and leaks.Clearly the naval establishment is leaking faster that the fucking ship. Snowflakes at sea.

    • I’d have pointed,laughed and told the Cunt I wouldn’t have let him in even if he didn’t resemble the Elephant Man.

    • I’d have drove away screaming like Ned Flanders… but we aren’t allowed to do that anymore.

    • That’s because he was black…

      Black power would be an easier cry to call. Houston Texas?

      Remember some sandwogs hate blacks as much as whiteys.

  10. I’m just amazed that we’re even still capable of building something of this scale. I thought that they’d done away with heavy industry. Thatcher must be spinning in her grave at the thought of their still being a working shipyard. Auld bitch’ll probably rise from her box to try and finish them off.
    Fucking Dead Cunt.

    • Blair idolised Thatcher. Thought invading Iraq would guarantee him personal glory and future electoral success similar to that enjoyed by Thatcher with her post Falklands War boost in popularity! Disgusting, cynical, psychopathic cunt.

      • I consider them both”Disgusting,cynical,psychopathic cunts”….in fact, I think you’ve just described every politician perfectly.

      • Agree Dick, Thatcher equally psycho, but had a certain clarity of vision entirely absent with Blair.

        Cunts all.

    • I particularly like the bit about these ships being built to operate in cooler waters?? At a billion a piece I would expect these fuckers to work in space if needed! 😂….
      Imagine if the Falkland Islands were invaded again? What would hunchback MAY do? instantly send an aircraft carrier steaming down there without any fuckin planes? Or check the ambient temperature before dispatching our temperamental type 45 destroyers to do the business…….

  11. Looks like a early mock up of a slipper man costume that peter Gabriel wore for the genesis lamb lies down on broadway tour n 1975

      • These new painkillers are fucking great, blathering away I am, and there’s daft things to do at home. Dihydrocodeine are shit compared to this stuff.

      • Come on Ram it Home, spill it. What are they? I can get some orf me quack for Christmas.

      • I’d say either Co-codomol 30/500 or Tramadol.

        Done them all due to a bastard back injury that’s plagued me for years and simply isn’t repairable.

        That floaty feeling is a key constituent to either of the above.


      • Wouldn’t want anything that bungs up me bunghole.

        Details right away please Ram it Home – Sir Limply et al await your pleasure on tenterhooks.

      • Cocodamol are too hit-and-miss for me. GP says Tramadol not advised, cos it will likely interfere with some other meds.
        Next stage – morphine !!
        I’ve only just had arthritis diagnosed in R knee, ffs ! All I want is a RELIABLE painkiller…
        And one that doesn’t give me three feckin weeks of constipation…
        But then GP would never give me sleepers either, as they might be addictive (well, yes, I might just get addicted to six hours sleep at night, now and again)…
        “Have some anti-histamine tabs, side-effect is drowsiness.”
        Bloody USELESS.

      • Morphine…now you’re talking Belinda! Very more-ish though… There are other decent painkillers out there, less addictive or constipating, cos I was prescribed one about 12 years ago, following a serious back injury. Think they were called Meptid. Nice buzz too.

    • Cunty, if that’s the strength of Co-codamol you’re on, you’d better get a scrip for Dulcolax. You’ll be more bunged up than this aircraft carrier should have been.

      • Been on ’em for years Al, genuinely I slip out an Anaconda most mornings.

        I had this discussion with my old man before he became totally infirm and he’d have agreed with you, couldn’t understand how I wasn’t ‘gas tight’.

        Its not been easy especially with a fucked back but I’m able to run on a treadmill without too many problems and I’m certain that exercise stops me getting bunged up like Augustus Gloop did on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

      • I was on co codamol 30/500 & Gabapentin and didnt suffer much constipation but pain relief was poor.

        Switched to the cocodamol for Tramadol and my life’s a fucking misery, though less painful. Was backed up once in agony one night for about 4 hours delivering a brown pebble every 10 minutes. I was in so much pain that I was manually excavating to get rid of it. Took fybogel & laxido since when noticed hadn’t dropped.

        All easier said than done when your zombied 20 hours a day.

        Medication is a cunt, especially when given just because the time to get seen and fixed properly is organised by clueless cunts.

      • I got oxycodone after one of my operations and it was the best of them all but they won’t give it to you for any length of time for some reason.

        I was just getting used to total relief and they stopped it.

        Bang and the pain was back.

      • Have had a bastard back for nigh orn 50 years and more. Have tried most pain zappers in me time. Co-codamol (paracetamol and codeine) a total cunt arse blocker due to terminal constipation. After that you are in Michael Jackson territory (propofol). Cannabis (for personal use) very effective but keep needing more and more. Supply can be a bit dodgy. Steer well clear orf any Chinko shite.

  12. Talking of heavy machinery do they still make them fucking god awful vacuum cleaners that weighed about the same as a fucking aircraft carrier and ya could only buy em of some cunt what called to your house and wanted about a fucking grand for em. Fuck me if it toppled down the stairs onto ya you were a fucking gonner. Can’t remember the name of it tho. Anyway they were shit,

  13. Government contracts remind me of “The Soup from a Stone” story…

    Oh yum this soup is great with just a stone, but it would be so much better if it had some vegetables.

    HM Govt: here you go.

    And some barley…

    HM Govt: here you go.

    And some meat…

    HM Govt: here you go.

    And some herbs…

    HM Govt: here you go.

    And some salt and pepper…

    HM Govt: here you go.

    Just keep going back into those stores HM Govt cos you ain’t payin’ after all are you.


    Private contract…

    Oh yum this soup is great with just a stone, but it would be so much better if it had some vegetables.

    Hirer: well you better go and get some fucking veg, barley, meat, herbs and some salt and pepper then you cunt! And then I might pay you for it!

  14. Got a leaflet through the door: about when the council are going to empty any bins over the festive period (the cunts only empty the fucker every three weeks as it is!)… Anyway, said leaflet has a picture of a family of Parking Stanley Peacefuls: all smiling, stood around a recycle bin… Are the sandfilth now also pin-ups for the garbage disposal trade?! Fuck me…

    There’s a good joke in this somewhere, but I can’t be arsed right now and I’m going to get some kip….

    • Put them cunts in the back of the wagon, a big articulated fucker and take them all back.

      Bet they stank more than the bins and the photographer was boaking his guts up and that why they were smiling.

      Filthy cunts, honking and proud o it.

    • What the fuck is a muslim Christmas ? Is it one that involves blowing up kids and mowing down pedestrians ?
      Warsi is a cunt and she can fuck off, filth.

    • So is that them now officially owning the celebration are they?

      I can’t wait till Ramadan to starve myself and wipe my arse with my hand. At Ramadan, everybody’s welcome.

    • I imagine it will be none too dissimilar from Oliver? Just replace a humble request for some more gruel with a shopping list of goodies!!
      A bit like the generation game?
      Ooh house, Car , goblin teasmaid, bbq set, cuddly toy!! Cuuuuuuuuuuuuunts!!
      And hopefully some decent electrical appliances ?? 😂

      • Interesting how this ‘Give! Give! Give!’ headless chicken attitude by the ABBC and the like towards Grenfell was strangely absent when the floods hit Britain… Actually, not so strange really… The flood victims were white, British, and non-peaceful…

    • Think I will stop my medicine and raise a glass, one for each of the cunts and a bonus shot for each one of breeding age and the illegal firestarting, fridge owning, indoor bbq’ing Uber driving, cunt who has vanished into thin air prior to the enquiry.

      Nice of him to give next door a heads up about his “little problem” after he packed up his own shit. Rat.

    • Do you think there will be a phone number to call if you have been affected?

      Or what if I want to donate?

      Can’t wait.

  15. I would say let the Germans build it,but looking at all the water ingress problems on Mercs these days it would be better made from tea bags…..

    • There’s a stigma about German cars oozing quality and reliability and let me tell you its a crock of shit.

      The bottom line is do you expect someone who is suffering with a problem panzer wagon to brag about it to family, friends, neighbours etc?

      Cunts don’t want to be embarrassed by their purchase or should I say, contract with a German finance house

  16. Just reading through this thread alone I now know we are fucked as a nation, are lazy and mainly useless at everything and the government is primarily composed of cunts. Other entertaining threads reveal our kids are thick ,the education,,banking , media ,transport and armed forces are likewise knackered and unfit for duty .
    Thank god we are now going it alone in the world. Absolutely perfect decision .

  17. The media are a bunch of cunts if they think this story is what people want to hear about, as said its going through trials so it don’t matter a shit.

    Reporting on stuff like this should get the media cunted under the official secrets acts. That would bugger them up proper.

    • The meeedjah are fuckin whores who will do anything to grab a cheap headline, sell a few more copies of their oily rags!!
      Neither side is any better or worse, I try to read both viewpoints and draw my own conclusions, other times I just completely ignore the Cunts!!…..

      • Yes that is by far the biggest threat, the enemy within.

        And just by virtue of being born here cuts no fucking mustard with me either!

        If a dog is born in a barn it doesn’t make it a fucking horse!

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