SMAM

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Here’s a cunt who emerges every summer….the SMAM (Sunday Morning Action Man).

This wanker gets up at the crack of dawn….let’s DO something in the garden, it’s such a beautiful day. Out comes the fucking noisy lawnmower for the 14th time this month.. Follow that with the fucking strimmer and its high pitched whining. Let’s have a loud conversation with the other SMAM cunt 4 doors down…….”Beautiful morning isn’t it? I’m getting the power saw out in a minute to cut up some fucking wood for no fucking particular reason at all..”

After that there’s silence for about half an hour as SMAM stuffs his fat smug face. Then it’s out with the power sander followed by about 2 fucking hours of randomly hammering nails into wood.

Is there any thought for poor old Freddie trying to sleep off his Saturday night excesses? NO….fuck that cunt. And don’t get me started on fucking barbecues. Listen SMAM you fucking noisy cunt……..shut the fuck up you BASTARD!

Nominated by Freddie the Frog

162 thoughts on “SMAM”

  1. Excellent cunteration. Our SMAM is a good few houses away but his preferred method of annoying the fucking bollocks of everyone is his cunting Leaf Blower!
    The cunt blows all his fucking leaves and shit up one end of the garden so during the week the wind blows it back and next sunday…… Pick the fuckers up you shagging muppet !!
    This sphincter wart is about 5ft 7″ in his heels and votes Libdem and drives an old Range Rover sport [cunt alert!!! ] which needs servicing with semtex.
    I have a secret plan to hijack a full shitwagon and put it into reverse over his garden ,blow that away you ballbag.

    • He sounds like a cunt, fucking leaf blowers? What’s the point in blowing rubbish around, leaf blowers definitely need a cunting.

  2. Lets not forget the cunts kids on the trampoline squeeling so the next fucking town cam hear them. Or misses the goal net in the back yard, with a ball that leaves their garden and hits your back fucking window. To be told by Smam kids will be kids.

    • And we’ve got 6 weeks of the little shits ‘full time’ coming up. I pray for constant rain during the summer holidays to keep the noisy fuckers indoors.

      • If you ever see a massive trampoline in a garden, you know that the people who live there are cunts.

      • Christ on a pogo stick that is so true. Same problem here. There’s a particularly obnoxious spoiled little cuntball a few gardens down that screams its head off like a cat on a kettle if it can’t get its own way. Fucking little nasty bastard cunt. Seriously when it has its own mini hissyfit, the shrieks can be heard on a fair wind 5 miles away.

        Spoiling kids is totally wrong and sets them up for being total truebred cunts later in life.

        Typical cunting Narnia dwelling parents, who instead of shouting full-on Windsor Davies style at the mollycoddled little fuck smear to shut the cunt up, it’s all “Sigh…Jacinta…not good darling…mummy’s looking through her Joules catalogue”. Fuck out and get to cunt you unicorn saddling spacetrip parent fucks. A cunting slap round the ear might work better. Progressive parenting my fresh arse.

        Trampolines in gardens are real cunts and are mentally draining. It leads to screaming bastard fuck-results and weekend peace is shattered. Can’t they go and trampoline in Syria? Cunts to a man.

      • Tell me about it, another reason why the little bastards are such shit is due to the parents being bean headed, ignorant, lily livered shits who don’t no how to say the word ”NO” to the little maggots.

        Hell, that’s reason why kids are such shit these day, the fucking parents aren’t doing their damn job.

      • There is a fucking Knob Weazle who lives opposite us. The retired motherfucker thinks of nothing more than waking everyone up at 8:30 every Saturday with his fucking Lawn Mower. The fucking cunt. And if that isn’t bad enough, the Percy Thrower enthusiast decides to annoy us even more when he finishes that and then turns his leaf blower on! How I long for this fucker to hurry up and die and take his fucking lawn mower with him. Why cant the cunt stop buying things that make a noise…why cant he go out and buy some fucking plastic grass and let us all have some cunting sleep!!

  3. My next door neighbour is a daft cunt. He is a “Hipster type, who wears jeans with big turnups , a red open necked tartan shirt, and braces. His beard looks like a sack of arse fluff and his man bun looks like a passing pterodactyl has shit on his head. Not only does he look like a fucking lumberjack, he must be as thick as a fucking log.

    He calls his garage his man cave ( fuck knows why…it’s a garage ) Within it, he has every agricultural implement known to fucking mankind and it must consist of at least the entire stock of B&Q. The last time so much equipment was collected was the building of the fucking Hoover Dam.

    On sunny summer Sunday mornings, he will be out and about at the very first sparrow fart of the day, he will empty his “cave” and put all of the tools on the lawn. This will take half an hour at least. He then will have a break, sitting on the patio, mug of tea in hand and his radio on full. The rest of the morning is spent putting all the fucking tools back in his cave. Does he do anything with them ? Does he fuck.

    (On Tuesday mornings, the gardening services people come and do the tidy up.)

    This sad 30 something is indeed a useless wet sack of shit. I have tried to understand, but I don’t. Does he annoy me. Fucking right he does. That bastard radio needs shoving right up his shit shute! Cunt.

    • “Man Cave”………what a wanker. Cunt has been watching too much American TV.

      • In the civilised world it’s called a shed.
        Does he have one of those “retro” motorbikes with matt black paintwork, flat bars and scrambler tyres on it?

      • … and exhaust wrap.
        …Usually an over-priced old nail of a Beemer or a CX500 that wouldn’t pull a kipper off a plate.

    • Man bun: The hair equivalent of wearing a T-shirt with “I am a Cunt” printed on it, front and back.
      Blokes with pony tails much the same.. It should be legal to set their hair on fire.
      Cunts.

      • “I turned up in a T shirt
        With fuck you on the front
        And the boss took just one look at me
        And decided I’m a cunt        ”

        Great lyric…

      • Man buns..I’m all for it.
        They’re a great time saver. Normally I’d have to speak to someone for three or four minutes to work out wether or not they’re a cunt…

    • to put a comedy temporary stop to the garden mowing at a stupid time when the hangover is in full on bastard mode – around about bed time empty the contents of a tuna / mackerel tin into their garden. Flies love this shit. So come mowing time the gardens alive with flies.

  4. How about women ?
    I clearly remember my mother cleaning and organizing the kitchen , banging all pots and frying pans making a lot a noise at 7 in the morning on weekends..
    Also have cunty neighbors who use the vacuum cleaner at 9 in the morning on a Sunday.

  5. I have a mate who lives next door to some Polish cunts……er….I mean hard working, tax paying people making a great contribution to our economy. He is always complaining about them singing Polish folk songs at all times of the day and night. No music, just a single male or female voice belting it out at the top of their lungs. I wasn’t sure he was telling the truth but one day he showed me a video on his phone.
    They had spent all day one Sunday having a party in the back garden. They had some cunt with an accordion and another one with a violin. They were dancing about and singing all this Polish shit………er………I mean giving a fascinating demonstration of Eastern European culture.
    Anyway they lit a bonfire in the end so my mate phoned the fire brigade and broke up the party. Cunts.

    • I just had a brainwave. Perhaps we could get those Polish bastards to represent us at Eurovision. We would sweep the board with all the pikey votes. Blaircunt could play the balalaka or whatever it’s called. I can see him at the end waving the EU flag with a big cheesy grin on his mush. I’m a fucking genius!

  6. I used to live in a lower basement flat on hove seafront, It had a patio around it( mine) but in the lease residents had limited access to their meters which were stored in an under road bunker to the front, all was fine till one of these SMAM Cunts moved into the block, he decided to put his family’s bikes in the meter shed?? Working away I hadn’t noticed it, so one Sunday summer morning around 7.30 am I’m awoken by the sound of by children screaming and ringing the bells on the aforementioned bicycles right outside my bedroom window!!! On my patio!! ” sorry mate it won’t happen again” said the Cunt!, next weekend exactly the same thing!! 😡, Week after same again!!, funny thing next week the bikes got stolen?? What’s the chances?? Even funnier they never used the lock up again…. shame …. These type of Cunts are utterly thoughtless….

  7. British summer time, the few weeks of nice weather which make convertible owners feel justified and incredibly smug.

    See also winter with 4×4 drivers when it’s snowing.

  9. Oi Jezza, getting your driver to run over the cameraman’s foot isn’t going to stop them reporting your taking us back to the 70’s.

    • With that manifesto Corbyn will put Foot’s defeat in ’83 to shame I reckon.

      As for the Lib Mongs saying that we should take in 50,000 peacefuls…. well that’s why I would never vote for those cunts.

      They say the cost would be paid back by the what they tax from the peacefuls but that’s a joke as the fuckers all either leech the benefits and/or work on the black economy.

      • Most of the migrants are thieving,cheating leeches who will never contribute to this society,either financially or morally. They are like locusts who move on after destroying everything in their wake.

      • There’s also a case that they are parasites – they contribute nothing good and that they are like pigeons – they like to shit over everything.

    • A nice move for a man who claims to despise the motor car.
      Run some cunt over…..

  10. I was reading a wonky eyed anti May anti Brexit piece in the “not so” independent, according to the author our politicians are simply not up to the job??, in the authors view they haven’t been for years now?? Apparently we should be looking at people of President macrons standing?? According to the author macron is the real deal?? We should look at what he has done??? Seriously WTF!! I think the whole macron party things a fuckin con job, with political Pygmy Hollande polling a measly 4% rating they had a good idea that people wanted them out? Macron who worked for Hollande goes off on his own blazing a trail, his new party is anything but?? Window dressing with lashings of fuckin bull shit, macron talks about EU reform? The Cunts a company man thru and thru, the only reform will be more EU !! more immigration!!, sorry this rant isn’t about the French being feeble minded shit bags or macron being the status quo rebranded it was actually the author of all of this utter crap was Britains most hated woman GINA MILLER!, talking about a completely unproven President as if he had changed the course of history!!! Utter bollocks…..
    The independent have got her doing loads of articles….. independent?? Indeed…….,

    • Oh yes, more Macrons, more people like the man who shitted up Frogland’s economy when he was the Lonny leftie’s Finance Minister.

      As for that hateful piece of shit Miller, I wish someone who run her through a printing press. Literally.

    • He reminds me of Blair being elected on this wave of ‘ things can only get better’ bollocks. He’s a shyster and opportunist, saw that Hollande was dying on his arse and until they have another Paris outrage by some peaceful’s, they weren’t ready to elect Le Penne and took his chance.

      • He is exactly another Blair, a highly convincing, conniving wanker who promises change.

        Oh, there will be change alright, but it won’t be the good kind unless you consider ever closer union and ever continuing peacefulisation good. In that case you’d be a cunt.

    • Just shows you what a cretin Miller really is. Her logic in court must be equally idiotic. Mind you the judge will still find in her favour.

  11. Bunch of cowardly cunts!!!!

    If yer neighbour is annoying in any way shape or form, ye address the situation and sort the cunt.
    Don’t go whinging that yer woken on a Sunday morning by the twat next door if you let him.
    If you let him carry on, then he’s the one that has a cunt of a neighbour.
    A weak cunt for a neighbour.

    Get a fuckin grip. No wonder the country is fucked, when no cunt is sorting cunts out.

    I’ve seen more balls on mumsnet.

    • Either that or fight fire with fire with the bastard.

      If all else fail, out cunt the cunt.

      • Had a thought to padlock the Cunts bikes inside?? Unfortunately all buildings meters were in there!! No point pissing off everybody over one thoughtless cunt… shame thou as I could have sat and watched the prick struggling to get to his bikes 🚴

      • ‘Fight fire with fire’ was my grandfather’s philosophy.
        Great bloke. Shit fireman….

    • Spoke to the cunt on 3 occasions!! 3 strikes and out!!
      Each time ” sorry mate” personally he should have got a dig but what’s the point of resorting to violence??

      • Alas the rozzers would also come down on you like a ton of bricks.

      • Yeh, whats the point of resorting to violence?
        It would be far more nicey nice for everyone if ye ask him repeatedly to “please keep it down besty”, and for him to say “sorry mate” every time.
        And again, and again, and again…….

        I never said ye had to launch at the cunt with the claw end of the hammer.
        Just make the cunt think that yer going to launch at him with the claw end a hammer.

        Or ye could just make him a pitcher of freshly squeezed lemon juice to cool the big man down.

        .

      • I presume the lemon juice would end up in their eyes?
        By accident of course.

      • That’s the best idea I’ve heard…
        Maybe some croissants too…
        Easy said but difficult to really get into it with his kids being there!!

  12. My nearest neighbours are two fields away,but I still manage to annoy them by tuning chainsaws and cutting logs on a Sunday morning….Fuck them,if they don’t like it,they can come and tell me.

    • Who the fuck is gonna tell ye to shut up when ye have a chainsaw in yer hands?
      I’d love to see the cunt running all the way to yer house with thoughts of bashing yer head in and then when he gets there, he’s greeted by the sight of you holding aloft a running chainsaw.

      “Eh, d”ya want to fuck my wife ,Dick?
      I’ll tell her to get ready and bring her round”
      he said meekly. 🙂

      • The best of using chainsaws is that if I don’t want to hear what someone is telling me,I just bellow at them that I’m half deaf due to the noise of the saws. Very handy at times.

      • Or do you wear a leather mask made from the skin of cunts you fucked (over)?

      • Far scarier than a hockey mask Q…. I’ve been told before that I have the look of Dara O’Briain busting for a shit.

      • Wouldn’t have cared,but O’Briain is a cunt of the highest Order. Cut me to the quick to be compared to that wanker. 🙂 .

    • I have to put up with a bunch of single mums screaming in the garden next to me gusling chateau shit in the afternoon purchased with their benefits money.

  13. A quick Cunting for the current fad for eating undercooked meat. I quite enjoy watching some of those cooking programmes.. MasterChef,Great British Menu etc. The other night one dish had pigeon that was red raw,another had lamb still pissing blood . According to the judges,the meat was cooked perfectly…No,it wasn’t. It was fucking raw. I like everything,even steak,cooked as black as Gandhi’s arse.

    I put this silly fad down to our Continental Cousins. The filthy bastards can keep it.

    • Urgh, I do not like my meat raw and still pulsating thank you very much.

    • Why have all the chefy type cunts hijacked the word “off”.
      Everything’s baked off, fried off, cooked off.
      It’s not needed, fuck off.
      Pan fried?…everything’s fried in a pan.
      Oven roasted?……

      Masterchef’s Greg Wallace reckons “cooking doesn’t get tougher than this”….cunt needs to try the wife’s Chicken Cacciatore, that’d shut the cunt up….

      • Was it necessary to fuck up my day by mentioning that cunt Wallace? A dry wank on a wet Sunday and impossible to overcunt.

  14. One of the lesser reported pledges in the leaked Labour manifesto, is the protection of the nomadic way of life, and to end the persecution of the cunts who live it, be it the swarthy Roma, or your bog standard gypsy traveller. That’s a real vote winner isn’t it? I’m sure that Corbyn and his little band of commie dreamers have no intention of trying to win this election, like a yapping dog chasing a car, they wouldn’t have a fucking clue what to do if they won. Opposition is where they prefer, they can say what they want, and promises the stupid literally anything, because they will never have to honour a damn thing. Same goes for Farron, the weasel…..

    • The weasel who wants a herd of 50,000 fucking ugly peacefuls marauding through this country.

      Oh and naturally Labour don’t want to do anything about immigration – that alone is why they’ll lose again. Then there’s that disgraceful Brexit stitch up in their manifesto.

      • Yeah, it was the 500000 that wound me up, but I couldn’t remember the particular reason, just the fact that he keeps on proving why he got voted cunt of the year.

      • Yeah, why does it have to be us that takes 50,000 of the bastards? We are an island, with very limited landmass and this wanker wants us to take in that many?! The he claims the tax that they (won’t) pay will pay for taking them in! My God the man deserved that COTY award.

      • England 130,000 km/2 with a population of approximately 55 million, a mere fuckin slither….
        The cheeky Cunts always try doing GB as virtually no cunt lives in Scotland but as most people know it’s in England where we have the problem…

    • Pikeys are Cunts. Lock them in their caravans and steamroller the fucking lot of them.

      • Lock in their caravans and make a bonfire out of the fuckers.

      • I was reading the other day that the theft of copper cable from the railways costs the taxpayer about 700 million a year. Did anyone see the film “The Selfish Giant”? I know you were supposed to cry at the end when the pikey kid got burnt to a crisp when he was nicking the cable but I’m afraid I pissed myself laughing. Am I a bad person?

      • Not at all, let’s face it, pikeys are cunts who deserve no mercy.

  15. Labour manifesto, never mind ‘Longest suicide note in history’, 47 page emergency bog paper stash. End result making more sense than this Trotsky Steptoe lunatic.

    • All these retarded Trotskyites should remember what happened to Trotsky…..

  16. I’m an unlucky fucker.
    I ordered a dvd called ” Two Lesbians” .
    It arrived, I played it and it turned out to be that Sue Perkins and Sandy Toksvig doing a lousy game show. Bollocks.

    • I ordered a Lesbian Love-fest dvd,excited as fuck when it came,unwrapped it slapped it in the player,pressed play and settled down for a good tug….Couldn’t believe my eyes,it was just some old,bald fella sat in a chair playing with himself….then I realised that I’d forgotten to switch the telly on.

      • Gorillas in the Mist was shit, just Dianne Abbott lost going for a walk.

      • I had the same problem when I bought “Trainspotting”. I was looking forward to a good old toss over The Flying Scotsman, The Brighton Belle, The Orient Express and the A4 Mallard Pacific Class. Turned out to be about a load of junkie Jocks living like pigs and ripping each other off like a bunch of cunts. Fucking boring. That reminds me, I am going to have to cunt off that wanker Ewan McGregor when I get round to it. Hate that arsehole.

      • The Abyss, sounded ok until I found out Jeremy Corbyn was directing.

  17. I hate the fucking Notting Hill Carnival even though I’ve never been. I hate it because my Afro-Carribean neighbours, about 10 doors down, have their own fucking Carnival every August bank holiday. They have their own DJ and this noisy load of bollocks goes on until about 3 in the morning followed by about 2 hours of shouting in the street and slamming of car doors. Every year I tell myself that I’m going away next year but I always forget until it’s too fucking late.

    Don’t worry……..bout a ting…..cos every little ting……gonna be alright.

    Oh well, it’s only once a year I suppose.

    CUNTS!

  18. Corbyn is starting to look and sound like the captain of the titanic ( post iceberg) he knows the ships hulled and waters pouring in, the front compartments are flooding and it’s going down pretty soon ( 8th June) he is launching the lifeboats and like original captain Edward smith he is going down with the ship!! Him and his momentum monkeys will not let go and will ride the Labour Party all the way to the bottom, where like the titanic they will stay for a very long time…..

    • I can just imagine old silverback Flabbott trying to work out how long the party takes to sink to the ocean depths, following their demise at the election…

      “Well err let me see, well the ship weighs-in at err, maybe half a ton? Err no a bit more than that…maybe 10 stone and it’ll take probably about err I don’t know, and ermmm probably what, well ermmm next question?”.

      Looks like the old red party will be shot to bits like a box of eggs being hit by a .50 cal. What a saucer of cunt.

  19. Him and the die hards are like the band who kept on playing and went down with the ship, Corbyn wants to take the rest of the country with him.

  20. Yes and that was Capt, Smith’s last voyage before retiring. Fuck me, and I thought I was unlucky. Continuing the analogy I can’t see Jezzer either drowning or retiring. In fact, the most interesting thing about this election is …… What are the Blairites going to do when he refuses to resign? We live in interesting times, as the Chinkies say.

    • My point ftf is corbyn has already said if he’s defeated he won’t resign, will he change any policy’s after the predicted election thrashing? I’m gonna guess no, after the election corbyn and his monkeys will try and carry on business as usual, at that point maybe we see another leadership challenge or even something like macron in France with his ” new” party….

  21. Question time is it’s usual happy and informative self. What a load of right cunts. Five minutes was more than enough.

  22. i despise anyone who uses a leaf blower get a rake you fucking lazy cunts

  23. Used to have a cunt like SMAM next door to us…Cunt spoke to his very nice (and very fuckable) mrs like shit (she left him eventually), and the twat was obsessed with his prize barbecue set…. One day, the tosspot was fixing something near his roof: he fell off his ladder and crashed into his beloved barbie, destroying it… He wasn’t badly hurt (shame) but the barbecue was a mess… Needless to say, me and my dad pissed ourselves laughing…

    • I’d like to nominate barbecues for a cunting. Anyone that barbecues deserves all they get. Barbeques….smelly fucking things stinking out everything around them for a couple of
      hundred yards.
      ” Oh let’s have a barbecue on the decking luv and invite all our BMW X5 driving chav mates round to keep the neighbours awake until four in the morning” Cunts.
      Barbecued food is awful, undercooked or overcooked and all tastes the same. Burnt.
      What do these cunts think an oven, grill, toaster, hob, microvave etc are for? Cunts.

      • Agreed…. And I don’t get these blokes who do fuck all cooking all year, and then act like a demented baboon insisting on ‘cooking’ when the barbecue comes out…. It took off in the 90s: as part of this ‘new man’ schmoozing with the neighbours bollocks… As soon as there was a bit of decent weather these cunts would get out their barbecues, their drunken spaz beer (ie: Stella Aretwats). blare out crappy music like Blur, Reef, and Toploader (horrendous shite), stink the place out and make lots of noise… Every time I hear that disgusting Toploader song (‘Dancing In The Moonlight’) on the radio I am reminded of those dreadful barbie loving chav pricks…

      • Too right. Toploader, Blur and Reef…monumentally shit music enjoyed by total cunts…especially that Parklife wankage. Stella Act-a-twat that tastes like seaside donkey piss and waste of effort socialising. Normally BBQ shite looks and tastes like the charred human remains of a Hellfire missile strike out in the desert somewhere. What a load of smokey cuntmeat.

  25. My neighbour had a BBQ on Sunday? 14 degs with a cold wind?? Hardly ideal, he put so much wood and charcoal on it I thought it was a funeral pyre for his recently deceased dog!! Needless to say from the look on his childrens and wife’s faces nobody enjoyed it!!
    Nice bloke but a daft Cunt all the same…..

  26. At the other end of the day, we have a self-styled home motor ‘engineer’ -a spanner monkey with a steady trade in decrepit tax-exempt bangers with defective silencers. Apparently repairing these consists of revving them for hours on end with intervals to fool the neighbours into thinking he’s stopped. The angle grinder is occasionally deployed, and his wife has a penetrating nag on her too, but the revving can go on to 11 pm of a Sunday. There is nothing good to say about this cunt. One of his household is a lycra pushbiker cunt, too.

    On an unrelated note, if I Google ‘Cherie Blair’ ‘within the last 24 hours’, Is A Cunt is almost always returned on page 1 of the results. Congratulations, and I shall do my best to help perpetuate the tradition.

    • Please feel free…the mongoloid bitch deserves many more cuntings!

  27. Today in a sky interview corbyn has announced he is going to create a ” minister of peace” who will be working at the MOD and foreign office??
    I kid you not!!

    • Just when you think you’ve heard it all.
      You’d think he’s trying to put people off voting for him. Actually,he probably is…take a look at the cunt in front of the cameras. He always looks shit scared and ill at ease to me.

  28. So the Limp dems think new dads need a month’s paternity leave. Fuck me, what’s wrong with taking a week out of their annual holiday leave? I’ve got four kids and did that every time.
    Maternity leave is bollocks too. If you want a baby, get pregnant, work on for a while and then leave the job to have the baby. If and when you want to return to work, go and get another job…don’t expect employers to pay for it and colleagues to take up the slack.

    • And to make matters worse, the cunt Farron has announced that if the Libdems win the election, then Farron will admit 50,000 Syrians on humanitarian grounds. I note that Farron is in the Dead Pool and I wish all the shite upon his bonce, may his cherry rot, and his sphincter prolapse. Get slotted you cunt!

  29. TBH if farron won the election I would probably move to Syria….
    what a stupid deluded cunt he is, also said he wasn’t interested in forming a coalition government with either labour or the conservatives?? WTF!!
    How many seats does he think he is going to win?? The Cunts got 9, will he double that?? .. The useless twat would struggle to run a village post office….

    • Minister of Peace? That’s Blair cunt sorted, great job in the Middle East he did. Mini break in Baghdad , ATOL approved.

  30. Makes you wonder why he’s so keen to let in more of the peaceful?

    Those 50,000 would be straight in VWs and drug dealing round this way.

    That’s just what the country doesn’t need or want.

    What a deluded cunt.

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