“Phone in” radio


Radio phone-ins should be cunted. It’s the cheapest form of radio to make and there’s no quality control at all – so long as the time is filled with the worthless opinions of cunts, everyone’s happy.

Many years ago, a friend and I used to regularly phone in to these shows to make mischief, knowing that there was little doubt that we would be put through to the presenter live on air. I once hijacked almost an entire show on the subject of ‘Nostalgia’ by phoning in and claiming to be one of the actors who had been inside the Bungle costume on the children’s TV show ‘Rainbow’.

The idiot local radio presenter cunt couldn’t get enough of my fabricated stories: “Wasn’t it hot inside the costume?” he asked. Yes, I said, that’s why I rarely wore anything but a tiny pair of red Speedos underneath. “You could never see the join or the zips in the costume,” he said. I know, I replied, there had been complaints from parents that the early costume looked like a crappy fancy dress outfit, so I was actually sewn into the later costumes. This made loo breaks impossible, I continued, so they fitted me with the same kind of ‘bottle’ that astronauts use. So next time you see old re-runs of ‘Rainbow’, just imagine Bungle with a bottle of warm urine strapped to his inside leg…

But my friend topped this by getting through to Jeremy Vine. The subject of the show was something like ‘Confessions’ and my friend called in saying that he’d been stealing coats and jackets out of pubs – two a week for almost ten years – and was unable to help himself. Vine expressed concern and actually invited him back the following week to speak to a psychiatric counsellor where my friend gladly elaborated the story: when he had first moved to London, he’d had his own rather expensive jacket stolen from a pub, so he assumed his compulsion must be a kind of revenge stealing. “Do you actually want to stop?” asked the counsellor in hushed tones. “Of course I do,” said my friend, “I keep them all in a lock-up and the rent is crippling me…”

There’s an amusing postscript to the Jeremy Vine hoax. About eighteen months later, a so-called ‘conceptual artist’ (translation: cunt) by the name of Mike Ballard announced his next ‘exhibition’ – a gallery space hung with jackets and coats he claimed to have been stealing out of pubs for almost ten years (“two a week… in revenge for having my own jacket stolen from a pub when I first moved to London”). In reality it was clear that the lazy cunt had simply heard my friend hoax Jeremy Vine and then thought he’d just pinch the idea for a bit of conceptual art – which just serves to demonstrate what indolent, work-shy cunts modern artists are. He was probably pissing away his grant and decided to nick someone else’s idea off the radio at the last minute because it was easier than having to think up something original.

Nominated by: Fred West

6 thoughts on ““Phone in” radio

  1. I hate radioshows period! its for idiots who can’t work a playlist or find their own material. I just find radio in general to be ultra annoying the commercials are annoying, the DJs are mega annoying cunts (smug asshats) basically everything bout radio sucks in my opinion. Phone in radio is especially lame, users call in to get taunted and dissected by the mongy Host’s or Disc jockeys

  2. In the 15 years or so I’ve lived in Yankland, the interweb has come a long way. I think it’s great that you can now stream many radio stations and I must confess I do like to tune into The Two Mikes show on TalkSport while I do the washing up. The time difference means I don’t have to stay up all hours listening to those two harassing, insulting and generally putting each other down. It’s a fun listen. Try it. I do think the key though is there’s no ‘phone in to speak of.

    What irritates me is when the station goes to a commercial break (like every 10 seconds or so it seems), somehow Yank advertising is spliced into the feed. Thus ruining the experience of listening to some UK radio. Bastards.

    Speaking of TalkSport, anyone remember when it started as TalkRadio? Back then they had a variety of shows, most of which seemed to be ‘phone in based. One in particular was hilarious. It was hosted by Anna Raeburn and was a sort of ‘agony aunt’ show. I used to piss myself listening to the poor unfortunate cunts calling in with marriage strife, sex problems, weird and twisted emotional nightmares. Great stuff and sorely missed.

  3. Very well cunted, Fred West. I cannot stand talkback radio. Its content is usually filled with sensationalist rubbish pitched at bogans and idiots.

  4. I can imagine when Chris Evans career finally fades, and that will be a day worth celebrating, he will end up on some über shit commercial radio station. Pointless getting the cunt to do a phone in show because nobody but him would get a word in. I’m hoping that the gutter press will hound him to an early finish over the whole Top Gear fiasco. I just hope he will not make another come back next time, the cunt.

    • GJ: Agreed. I have never liked that grinning ginger cunt and have never understood his appeal. Really hoping the new Top Gear tanks big time and Evans will end up looking like a massive tool. Or should I say, more of a massive tool. Cheers – I.Y.

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