Cunts in cans

I have great hopes for the future of our nation when I see brain dead morons of a certain age wandering down the street wearing headphones.

The other day I was driving along minding my own business when some idiot in cans walked straight out in front of me. I slammed the brakes on and leant on the horn and managed to miss him – but he was totally oblivious to his surroundings and leaning on the horn was a complete waste of time. Now I like a bit of Led Zep at full volume, but I’ve got more sense than to cross the street wearing cans.

And how about those cans? Personally I use earphones with my iPod – when not walking down the street or crossing the road – but what’s it with these fucking great cans? I asked a snowflake what it was all about. Apparently it’s a fashion statement. When you pay £300 for a set of cans (what sort of cunt pays £300 for headphones anyway ???) you need to be seen to be wearing them. So that people know you’re important. And cool. And presumably financially as well as mentally challenged.

So next time you’re riding down the street on your £2,000 carbon fibre bike, remember to plug your £1,000 iPhone in to your £300 cans so people will know just how cool you are when they scrape your remains off the road.

Yes, I am greatly optimistic about the future of this country – because with luck we’ll finish off a few of the feckless brain dead fuckers before they can do too much damage! Or reproduce.

Cunts in cans. Darwin would be proud…

Nominated by Dioclese

The RNLI

Why the fuck would anyone want to cunt the RNLI you might ask? The selfless unpaid volunteers risk their lives on a regular basis. They’re heroes in the true sense of the word and should be praised!

Well, quite. But it would appear that the management are a bunch of humourless, PC snowflake cunts. They’re the ones I’m after.

Cue Whitby lifeboat station. Enter stage left RNLI manager (female, of course) who spots a couple of comedy mugs with – God forbid – a picture of a naked woman on the front. Shock! Horror! Seems the men had given each other Secret Santa gifts including a mug which featured a photo of a nude woman with the face of one crewman superimposed on top.

Humourless twat from RNLI decides that said mugs could have been found by schoolchildren, which posed a ‘safeguarding risk’.

So the two lifeboat men are sacked. By telephone ‘natch. Snowflakes don’t do confrontation after all. I’m just surprised that she didn’t do it by text, or Facebook, or Twatter frankly.

And the reaction to this load of OTT PC bollocks? Well, it seems that four fellow crew members have told the RNLI to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. Reportedly, three more have quit this morning. Two of the crewmen who quit are said to be women. A petition has been raised locally demanding that the men are reinstated. So far 500 locals have signed it.

So has the RNLI backed down? Has it fuck! A spokesman said “We want to stress that this was not a trivial matter. The lifeboat station should be an environment where people can expect to be treated with dignity and respect.

We cannot allow bullying, harassment or discrimination in what should be a safe and inclusive environment and there will be serious consequences for anybody who demonstrates this behaviour within the RNLI. By challenging this behaviour, we are standing up for the thousands of volunteers who are committed to doing the right thing as they operate our 238 lifeboat stations, saving lives at sea around the clock, 365 days of the year.

Our dedicated volunteers represent the values and principles of our organisation and we will not allow any behaviour that brings the work of the RNLI and our people into disrepute.

So I would suggest to the RNLI that the correct way to treat people with dignity and respect is not to sack them by phone. And if you don’t want the RNLI to fall into disrepute, then I would suggest that you don’t behave like a bunch of over officious, humourless, feminazi idiots! And yes, I’m afraid it really is a trivial matter.

Interestingly, I have tried in vain to find out the name of the fool who sparked all this off in the first place. That’s the real cunt in all this…

Nominated by Dioclese

Sajid Javid

Lets get an early cunting in for that testicle headed ex banker we (sorry,they) have just installed as home secretary.

Now don’t get me wrong about this little shit, I liked him. A few years ago he was anti EU, largely anti mass immigration, fervant Israel supporter… Cam-moron called him one of the staunchest up and coming right wingers in the conservative party… all good traits.

Since getting a sniff of power he’s pro EU, pro immigration, pro (whatever he’s told to be pro about). A typical flip flopper working to someone else’s agenda, saying whatever he can to get some muppet to put an X in his box.

Possibly an untrustworthy, unreliable, morally devoid run of the mill piece of shite? Let’s cunt him early, just in case.

Nominated by Big Khunt

I don’t know a lot about Sajid Javed, but he’s a first generation Pakistani immigrant and I do have to question whether Saggie Maggie has handed the fox the keys to the hen house by making him responsible for immigration?

Nominated by Pedantic Cunt

Tributes to dead footie cunts


I’d like to Cunt the current trend for every sporting event to be preceded by a minutes silence/clapping for whichever person with even the most tenuous of connection to the sport has croaked.

The camera pans along the players, who these days seem to have to lead out a veritable smorgasbord of handicapped children ranging in colour from deathly pale to coal-tar sooty.

Everyone has to pretend that they give a fuck that some old fart who played for Accrington Stanley in 1935 or whatever has finally told his boring interminable anecdotes for the final time.

The supporters are just as bad,determined to virtue signal their “goodness” to all and sundry,their moon-faced bovine expressions bringing to mind bargain-bucket day at Burger King…..unless they happen to be Liverpool fans,of course,in which case they’ll be too busy trampling their “family” underfoot in an attempt to get in for free. (Self-pity city spongers)

It doesn’t happen at the decent sports…rugby,cricket,horse-racing. More at the kind of sports popular with Ian Wright’s type. I don’t see why the game should be delayed to honour some fucker who we can be certain won’t appreciate it.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

Zombie films

Has anyone got the phone number of a marching Brass band? Or a shop where I can hire bunting flags? It’s time to celebrate as there’s another Zombie film out this year, hot on the heels of the recent Series (or “Season” if you’re an uneducated cunt) 8 of The Walking Dead, apparently a Zombie programme about mindless automaton cunts.

(Sigh)

By the Bowels of Christ what is it with this tedious, hackneyed genre? Whether it’s films, tv series (or “seasons” if you’re an uneducated cunt), books, parodies of proper films, comedies, parodies of books, the endless cycle of re-hashed festering cack seems eternal.

No no, don’t tell me the plot, please, let me have a guess. Erm… The World has collapsed, power is down, abandoned cars festoon the streets and a ghostly silence has descended onto the once-busy city. Yet there are creepy dead people (yawn) who drag one leg whilst walking (yawwn), who feed off the living (yaww-wwn) and everyone will eventually be turned, no matter what they do, no matter how hard they try (YAWN) and human society will collapse without hope, without rebuilding or rebirth (YAWWW-WWN!).

A film industry that’s constantly bereft of ideas, ever-willing to bend to picture-by-numbers, politically-correct box-ticking, idly falls back on this feast for 15-year olds and adults deficient of excitement and imagination. Aren’t they embarrassed for the low calibre of this tepid dysentery?

Oh look, a Zombie film about a pub; oh look, a Zombie film starring Brad Pitt; oh look, a Zombie film starring a cunt ( “I am Legend” starring Will “Turd-Eater” Smith); oh look, a Zombie film where the Zombie falls in love…. all as welcome as sitting down for a bowl of cold diarrhoea soup.

ㅡ_ㅡ

The only ever decent film about trying to resurrect a dead person was “Weekend at Bernie’s.” The rest are rubbish, clichéd dogshit about mindless, automaton cunts, watched by mindless, automaton cunts.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous