The Steph Show

I would like to nominate The Steph Show.

This, according to channel 4, ‘will be a mix of entertainment, lifestyle and light current affairs as Steph meets a variety of guests from the worlds of showbiz, politics and beyond. Steph will be joined by a different, well-known co-host each week for a lively look at the topics of the day, as well as consumer affairs, fun features and lots of interaction with the viewers – all filmed in front of a live audience.’
Translation : a programme all about wimminz issues and digs at Boris, Brexit and Trump.

In a way I suppose, this is a pre-cunting, since it hasn’t even been shown on tv yet, but given that it will be on channel 4 and will be presented by the arrogant loudmouthed, shovel-faced Steph McGovern (who is having a baby with her girlfriend, in case you didn’t already know), it is almost certainly going to be an absolute pile of wank.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

Lily Allen (10)

Emergency cunting for our favourite musical mong. Apparently she was so emotionally overwhelmed by Compo’s manifesto for the destruction of Britain that she burst into tears.

Her voice cracking, she dabbed at her eyes with immaculately manicured hands and said: ‘Guys I’ve just watched the Labour manifesto. I think it’s the best manifesto I’ve ever seen.’ But many viewers on Twatter pointed out that the perfectly symmetrical ‘tears’ appeared to be faked using a filter.

To be fair, I burst into tears when I heard what Labour were planning too, but I suspect not for the same reason?

Corbyn today vowed to overhaul the ‘political establishment’ – with the middle classes set to bear the brunt of the socialist assault. Ms Allen – who lives in a London flat after selling her £4.2million Cotswolds mansion in 2016 – has turned to political activism recently and offered her backing to the left-wing Labour leader. She seems oblivious to the fact that she’s one of the evil rich bastards he’s plannimg to crucify if he gets the keys to Number 10.

This at least proves one thing : even turkeys will vote for Christmas…

Nominated by Dioclese

Shit. That’s another one for the wall!

Women and Equalities Committee

I would like to see this group of clearly bored MP’s cunted.

The latest “huge” problem is inequalitiy in healthcare for

  • LGBT people. Their answer is that it should be compulsary to ask every patient about their sexual orientation.
    I’ve got a few alternatives. If you are in this group, make it compulsory to give that info. Leave me well out of it, I will just fucking pay for it. Or, take a look at the rest of your lifestyle. LGBT people are more likely to have

    higher rates of smoking

    higher levels of alcohol consumption

    gay and bisexual men more likely to have anal cancer

    bisexual women more likely to have cervical cancer

    higher rates of suicide attempts in gay and bisexual men

    self-harm more likely in young trans people

    higher risks of obesity and cardiovascular disease in lesbian and bisexual women

    I rest my case

    Nominated by buggrit

  • ITV Calendar news

    Today, Wednesday 23 October, I thought I would catch up with the local news before heading off to work.

    Now, the local news station that is calendar, is not known for its groundbreaking stories, or cutting edge research, as they don’t like setting foot outside of Leeds, but even those miserable sour faced cunts outdid themselves today.

    Item number three in their headline stories was,

    ‘Sixty three year old Lincolnshire man learns to swim.’

    I will watch this, thinks I, what’s the story? Has he witnessed someone drown while being unable to help? Is he going to swim the channel for charity?

    No, he has just learned to swim! (Honestly, Google it) he is encouraging others to do the same.

    Now I know that not a lot happens in Lincolnshire but fuck me! ‘A man has learned to swim.’

    Unless being able to swim is an achievement in Lincolnshire? Maybe he is the only one there who can.

    I learned to swim when I was around nine but I don’t remember it being on the telly.

    Calendar broadcasts to the largest county in the UK but I doubt if this story would even have got a slot on ‘Craggy Island FM’.

    Looking forward to tomorrow’s installment of lazy journalism as I have sent them some interesting stories for their bulletin.

    ‘Child in Scunthorpe learns to ride bike.’

    ‘Horse spotted in field in Boston’.

    Sit back and wait for the ‘EMMY’ award.

    Nominated by The Cunt of Monte Cristo

    Gallagher Brothers

    A Supersonic cunting please for these two nasally halfwit cunts.

    For decades now we’ve been blighted with the Gallagher brother’s neverending feud. We’re constantly told it’s an epic rivalry: two greats battling it out to claim the soul of late 20th-century British pop. Get real, they’re a pair of twats who got lucky in the Blair years. I am sick to death of these loutish Manc gobshites getting airtime.

    Every month we read stories about the ‘real’ reason they broke up. Well, either one of them was knobbing Yoko Ono on the sly and she broke them up, or maybe it’s the fact they sound like a pair of pikeys singing karaoke at a stag do. As to whether they’ll ever reunite, who honestly cares. Noel and Liam are creaming royalties left, right and centre, putting in the odd appearance at Glastonbury’s busker’s tent with their shitty solo acts, and seem more than happy to keep up the air of mystique.

    What a pair of total cunts.

    Nominated by Herman Cuntster