“It’s before my time”

“Sorry, dearie. It’s before my time”

The phrases “It was before my time” or “I wasn’t born then”.

Usually uttered by younger contestants on Television game shows.

Most of history happened before all of our times.
I wasn’t born during Roman times, but we learned about it at school. Same for the Vikings, same for the First and Second World War.
I’ll admit that I’ve forgotten a large portion of it, because it was 20+ years ago that I studied it, but I can still remember some of the events like the Battle of Jutland, the Battle of Paschendale, etc.

If you don’t know, then go and read up on it for fuck sake. Ignorance is no excuse.
They might find it a bit more interesting than (anti)social media and dross like Love Island, but I doubt it.

Nominated by Harold Steptoe

Old mans Bollocks

Old mans Bollocks,
No not the type that they talk down the pub, but the pendulous objects between my legs.
Over the festive season I damaged my back and ended up bed ridden and reverted to “Comfy clothes”, In this case a pair of jogging bottoms nice warm elasticated waist ones that have their own nice warm climate in them, Global warming affected my plums and they attempted to visit my kneecaps.
This in turn created other issues as they slid under my thigh as I attempted to slide left or right, My new found mobility and a return too boxer shorts is also problematic as they choose to go right (predominantly right) and are subjected to constant pressure during my drive to work resulting in a feeling like a mild kick in the nuts.
So I have a few life style choices to evaluate, do I change my style of undercrackers, maybe a cushion in the car to change posture or stand naked in the garden hoping the fuckers will retract before I drive to work.

Nominated by lord benny


A “lets all follow the crowd because we’re sheeple” cunting for those incapable of deciding something for themselves and instead being unable to resist the temptation of seeing a “celeb” and try to copy them,

In this case its royal nipper Archie. Now the lad himself has done nothing wrong, but hes a leeching royal, so fuck him.


More in general my point is, why are people so fucking shallow that they MUST copy someone rich and famous “ooh, look at this little bobble hat, I want it!”

Why can’t people just decide for themselves, what is this fucking thing where society has to try and be someone else?

Id rather stick a hot poker up my japs than copy the cuntebrities of today.

Nominated by General Zod

Show some originality you sheeple cunts.

The TV Chat Show

TV Chat Shows

Last night I broke the habit of a lifetime and actually watched some terrestrial TV. But since it was New Year’s Eve and I was with the wife at her parents’ home, I really didn’t have much choice other than to piss off down the local boozer (nice idea but not good for family bonding)

First up was some entertainment show called Jane McDonald’s New Year’s Eve Show, or some such shite. Basically it’s about 40 minutes of her belting out cover versions while also having guest appearances from one-ht wonders and some old git called Tony Chrstie, who has spent his entire life ramping out some bollocks called “Is This the Way to Bognor Regis?” or summat.

And then after these cunts have finished singing she comes on stage and asks them some inane questions, but also the most telling “So what have you got lined up for the new year then?” And they come out with bollocks about their new book, single, album …. just a fucking plug basically, before they’re kicked off the stage for some other cunt to take a turn.

After that it was Graham Norton’s “chat” show. I say “chat” because it was about 45 minutes of the same old shit questions as before, but this time from guests like Tom Hanks, Anthony Joshua, Mel C and 4 other cunts I’ve never heard of. But again it was just another plug-fest for latest films and gigs etc. and the studio audience seemed to lap it up (probably on pain of death if they didn’t laugh!)

Chat shows have always been complete wank, even going back to the 70s and one of the grand-masters of folksy chat in Michael Parkinson. All these guests come on with one thing in mind – to plug their latest shite. And if they’re not plugging their shite they’re taking a pop at Brexit and Gammons and all the usual bullshit we’ve had to tolerate over the last 4 years.

If I had my way if I had a guest on my show that kept on plugging their latest album/film etc I’d press a button so their chair would disappear through the stage floor, dropping the cunt into a tank of sulfuric acid or a school of piranhas!

Nominated by Technocunt