Golfers

Golfers are Pretentious Cunts.

Golfers are by and large showy, shallow, pompous, artificial facsimiles of the human species. I know this for a fact; for my sins I am a golfer. I am in fact a member of a links course at a popular seaside destination and play a round 4 times a week, more if Mrs Ecunt allows.

See even the statement “I am a member” sounds fucking pompous.

The car park is littered with Jags, Mercs, Bmws and even a few Aston Martins. Fuck knows what they really think when I roll up in my 15 year old Fiat Panda and park in between them in a gap that they thought was wide enough to open their doors but not wide enough for another car to park in between. Ha got ya cunts my little Panda is about the same width as a large motor cycle and I don’t fucking care about a odd scratch or two on the door of a car worth about £400.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t bang my door into theirs but love to watch them struggle to get into their motors without scratching theirs.

Fuck me you should see some of the clothes they wear; pink strides, yellow tops, harlequin jumpers; grotesque. Sometimes I reckon they’ve just come from a gay pride march.

They love to talk about their new driver, (big golf bat not chauffeur)
“I ordered it from the States you know. It only cost £500, absolute bargain, same as Rory or Tiger use you know”. Fuck off you preposterous cunt.

One golfer I know and occasionally play with has bought a remote controlled trolley to carry his bats. Over a thousand quid for it just so he can piss about controlling it with an app on his fucking phone, whilst walking at the side of it. WHAT a CUNT. Mine cost a tenner from a charity shop, this means I have to push it. Such hardship.

My entire set of bats was bought from a pawn shop for less than £50. In the club shop they sell a variety of sets of clubs priced from about £500 to £2000. Fucking ridiculous. This is not me being tight or a reverse snob either, because if it made them play better then fine (maybe) but to most it doesn’t. I play off a decent handicap and regularly beat many of these cunts with my cash convertor specials. It’s the same with balls. I can’t remember the last time I bought a fucking golf ball, shit players lose them and I find them. You can pay £5 a ball.

Golf etiquette; “shhh, can’t you see I’m on the tee green” the cunt will say from 100 yards away. Now I’m no yob and if the bloke I’m playing with is playing a shot then I’ll be quiet but from 100 yards away you can fuck right off. I used to get aggressive and tell them exactly that; nowadays I simply say “don’t worry you carry on you won’t put me off from my conversation”!!, which really pisses em off.

Golfers are by and large massive cunts man women or beast. Though there are some tidy looking women playing these days. Good excuse to get lost in the rough ..Arf arf

Nominated by: Everyonesacunt 

52 thoughts on “Golfers

  1. Loads of working class lads into golf?
    Know a few; one is a professional caddy; travels all over the fuckin place.
    I think it’s cuntish to be honest;
    Pink pants; canary yellow jumpers etc.
    As a young miserable used to walk my 2 German shepherds on a golf course; they’d go fuckin mad!!😆
    If the golfers got lippy with the kids off the estate we’d go and brick them.
    Simple times; happy days.

  2. And I understand the International Pro-Am Stupid Trouser contest also infects the airwaves. Being left-handed (well to hold a bat and similar) I never really bothered with this eyesore of a “sport”. Worse, I find I actually agree (or sympathise with) Janet Street-Porter and consider golf courses to be eyesores overdue for a little taste of “Agent Orange”. And don’t get me started on the manners (none) and sheer bl@@%y snobbery these “sportspersons” display. I only saw one photo showing the correct way to play golf in a briefing note for a counter terrorism exercise, a rather late middle aged chap was drawing his next iron… an L4 Light Machine Gun (late Bren) now that’s the way to do it!

  3. Total cunts.
    Case in point.
    Colchester’s Braiswick golf course president is a smarmy little cunt , who also deals in properties.
    The golf club bought green-belt land from a farmer , and made a driving-range on it.
    Then , using a loophole , and having a drinking friend as head of town planning – the entire site purchased is now subject to a housing development of some 1,600 homes. On fucking green belt ffs! What a cunt.
    At the public meeting , the cunt had two heavies flanking him at all times , and the mood was ‘heated’ to say the least.
    20 of these homes will be on a field behind my parents house – which has had the odd horse on it for the past 40+ years. Not allowed to build 3 stories – so they build 2 and a half – which is the same fucking height.
    An application was made to destroy the 150 year-old hedgerow – which was passed.
    This is to be the longest cul-de-sac in the UK. But if the hedgerow is removed , then heavy plant can enter from the other end – previously an historic footpath.
    Widening will ensue , then it’s only a matter of time before a mini-roundabout is installed , and hey presto – no more cul-de-sac. Even though the bridle way was protected.
    The application for street lighting 6ft from our rear hedge , was turned down thankfully.
    Of course the traffic in rush-hour is already gridlocked twice a day on a single-lane road. Town Planner my arse. I’ll bet he has a nice little time-share in Spain for his blatant corruption , and turning a blind eye.
    The ecological survey for bats and newts was conducted at a time when there would be almost zero to find. Same in Horkesley 3 miles away. They timed it for a lull. The cunts. We had bats swooping the garden every night in season , and newts cross the road regularly in Horkesley. So more fucking corruption.

    Stiil , the bastard drinks in the Whalebone at Fingringhoe. One night , he may well find some uninvited company in the car-park.

    So , that’s golf for me – kill the lot of them.
    As for chavs playing the sport – fuck off and get back to your own end you cunts.

    • My parents have had almost exactly the same situation over the last couple of years, right down to the carefully chosen time to conduct newt/bat/badger surveys. I despise these greedy fucking rule-bending cunts.

    • That’s of a piece with Trump’s plans for Turnberry. Mind you, I’m more inclined to cunt property developers than golfers in general.
      The best of luck with anything that frustrates those cunts, Zero. Especially as the Jellyfish is burbling about greening the economy.

      • Thanks Komodo.
        House was sold quickly at below the market value , and we cut and ran 5 years ago.
        The irony is that my father was the superintending valuer for the whole eastern region up till the mid-eighties – and well respected.
        30 years ago – he would have had their heads on a plate.

  4. Used to live next to a golf course. Great place for potting rabbits at twilight when the cunts are boring each other in the bar.. I also worked briefly in a golfing hotel owned by a golfing Septic cunt. The guests were geriatric and, going by what arrived in the laundry in the morning, mostly incontinent.
    I have never committed golf myself: Mark Twain described it as ‘A good walk ruined’. I concur. The real challenge would be to get round under par with a random batten plucked from a fence and a hardboiled egg; why golf qualifies as a sport at all defeats me.

  5. Been golfing today. Played like a cunt as usual. I usually play public courses, usually just working class lads and lasses on them. Some of the private courses I’ve ever played really have some wankers on them. They talk to you like shit, no manners, up there own arse twats. Wherever I’ve gone in my life, the best manners come from working class people, bit rough and ready some of them but generally a please and thank you.

    • Yes but thats because we the silent masses have suffered and grafted unlike some snobby twat whos made a fortune signing cheques and diddled some old lady out of christ knows how much for the bank etc.
      I cant stand the sport its boring as fuck and to think of all the forested areas etc depleted so a bunch of stuck up bastards can hit a ball with a stick pales by contrast /what a lack of soul .
      CUNTS

    • Try walking around Surrey Docks after 9pm with a set of golf clubs then , if you think the low-life’s have manners.
      But agreed , the stuck-up cunts are rude , and should be swatted firmly with the back of your hand.

  6. I’m a member of my local golf club….I don’t play but they used to have some good nights. Some of the golfers are Cunts but I don’t let that worry me…I’m a member of several clubs that have a few Cunts as members…Working Men’s Club.RAFA Club,Conservative Club,Rugby Club,Ex-Servicesmen’s Club etc…I don’t give a fuck.
    If you want a club with 100 per cent Cunts…The Pony Club is the place to be…even I can’t out-cunt them.

  7. played today, parked between a jag F type and top spec merc 6.3 AMG. Jag fella was getting his bats out and looked aghast has I slipped in at side of him.. Tough ..Had a look around shop whilst waiting for my partner and foolishly asked about a new 5 wood. I didn’t have my specks on and couldn’t read price. Bloke came round and showed me the budget range from Callaway. £129 for one bat.. Jog on. Not that it matters played well and won.. Cash convertors rule when buying clubs.,. Golfers = Cunts

  8. I have noticed over many years that golf players are the most boring cunts on the planet. All they do is talk about fucking golf. As for golf on the TV, fuck me how boring is that, camera pans to the sky to show where the ball is. Fuck off boring cunts.

      • I hope not Cuntstable, Creampuff was going to pay me in Rupert Bear centenary coins this year, “a solid investment my lad. No more burning the Guardian (I didn’t mind) to stay warm for you”.

      • Stroker.

        We still see Liberal Liquidator from time to time. I haven’t the heart to let him go cos he’s got a gammy leg and a struggling family to feed. I give him an extra lump of coal and a dried up satsuma for the bairns at Christmas.

          • Treat him Ruff.
            He likes Shirley tomatoes whatever the fuck they are?
            Put it in his P45 to sweeten the blow.

          • Had a couple of bosses years ago that were golf mad. Always standing by the coffee machine practicing their swing with a imaginary club. CUNTS, the pair of them.

          • Stroker should know what the fuck Shirley tomatoes are Miserable. I’ll see if he’s got any, next time I raid his allotment shed.

  9. I appreciate the skill involved in getting a small ball into a small hole 500 yards away in about 3 or 4 hits, but fuck is it boring. Some ‘sports’ just should not be on telly, this being one of them. As Jasper Carrott once said, it’s hours and hours of televised sky, the cameramen are all ex-WW2 search light operators.

    A good walk spoiled, as someone once said.

  10. In my late teens / early twenties I used to enjoy a bit of fresh air and exercise with a regular weekend morning round on the local municipal course. Although I was never any good I’d be happy if only dropping one shot to par per hole on average.
    Never had more than 5 second hand clubs either, all carried over the shoulder in a lightweight golf bag held together with Gaffer tape. Jeans, t-shirt, cheap market stall trainers and a Kagoule and I’d be good to go.
    I’d always see, and despise, the kind of golfer you describe (social climbing Jerry Leadbetter – The Good Life – types) trying to outdo their golfing “chums” (who they really hate) in the “my clubs/trolly/brolly cost more than yours” one-upmanship game. I’d say though they were the minority but could easily envisage a private members club being overrun by them.
    It always amazed me that out of the 14 ridiculously expensive clubs at their disposal they could never find one that didn’t end up making a quarry sized divot or result in a hook/shank into the nearby river or the trees that lined most of the fairways.
    Inevitably, after every (all too frequent) cruddy shot there would follow a know-it-all inquest amongst the group about the wrong club selection, feet too far (or not far enough) apart, gripping the club too high, not keeping the head still etc, etc, etc thereby holding up and spoiling the rounds of all following groups.
    Hopefully, in hell, tee time will be when devilish little imps can stick sharpened golf tees down their japseyes.

  11. I remember a time when me and my mate decided to go and play pitch & putt – so after downing a couple of pints off we went – got to the course, signed up for the clubs and set about our task – we made a spectacular mess of the first 8 holes and gleafully spent the following hour looking for the 9th – failed, gave up and returned to the pub

    • Up here in Jockland most golfers are just ordinary working, unemployed or retired blokes. Away from the high end Clubs frequented by high paying Yanks, Japs and Chinese the other clubs are not expensive and there are plenty of them. Very few posers.
      What I have never understood is watching golf on the course. But then that is the same as extreme twitchery.
      At least watching cricket you can sit there nursing a pint or few

  12. I shat in the little white cup on a green after getting caught short following a night on the beer and a dodgy Chinkies.

    I’d have dearly liked to see the look on the face of the first Cunt the following day to pick his probably floating ball out of that particular cup.

    • I’ve had a shag on a golf course Dick.
      As a teenager.
      Was romantic; they should hire them out at night for young couples.
      Got my hole😁👍

    • Rabbits shit around the white cup each night very weird, maybe black magic???
      We saw a small deer (muntjac deer) today on the course. The naughtier little boy in me said extra points if we hit it. We missed of course.
      A friend last year hit into the trees and did in fact kill a pigeon . Forever known has the bird murderer from that moment on. Boys never grow up…

    • Be fucking hilarious if it was some posh stuck up twat ill bet/I say cynthia dear i cant believe what ive put my hand in looks exactly like human excrement!on a golf course of all places /the snobby bastards

  13. If Gemma Arterton can be persuaded to pick my ball aaaaaht of the hole (ooh Matron) for me, and wearing a low cut top, then count me in!

  14. Years ago, I used to do pest control on golf courses, for the pleasure of the hunt, not financial gain.
    An HMR round against a pesky leveret at 80 yards, leaves Peter0”Rabbit looking like a used tampon👍👍👍😄

    The golf club encapsulates British society and the feudal system, perfectly:

    The working classes are desperate to appear more sophisticated, wealthy and middle class, than their peers.

    The middle classes are desperate to be accepted in a social group that will NEVER accept them.

    The upper classes, patronise clubs with joining, membership and green fees that make them unavailable to all but the elites.
    They may as well have a sign outside that says: “No Riff-Raff”,

    One thing they all have in common-they are all frequented by CUNTS😀

  15. Classic … ‘Chewing the Fat .. on Golf Clubhouse wankers.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43REaE615m4
    … Big Jock.Sorry no subtitles.

    I’ve never had an interest on the ‘one up-manship’ pissing contest that is golf. I’ve a few muckers that do the golf thing amongst business types to rub shoulders and get work out of it ..
    The closest I got was when we were kids rummaging about in the loft of an annex of the church manse and came across a canvas bag of wooden shafted clubs from ‘nineteen oatcake’ , maybe earlier. All brass, leather and wood. We fanny’d about knocking what balls .. early jobs, none of your white shiny plastic stuff ..were in the bag, across nearby fields, then chucked the lot in a nearby river when it was time to go home for tea.
    The closest I get now is when riding my hooligan motorbike past a golf course fence where I see someone swinging back to tee off .. it’s down a handfull of gears and let the exhaust howl just to aid their concentration. Cunt.

  16. Know what you mean EOC, i live not 2 mins from southwold common in sufffark, and the golf course is on a common ffs, some of the colours these cunts wear is worthy of any gay pride march (somewhere over a rainbow) the fucking place is full of rabbits/ adders (where’s fiddler when you need him) bags full of expensive bats but you play like a cunt! i exiled my clubs to the attic and now let my dogs off to nick their balls, pretentious cunts, and as it’s millionaire second home owning cunts i say fuck Em and fuck off anyways, cunts.

  17. The last time i played golf we were escorted off the course at the 3rd hole for snorting cocaine off the golf buggy. Daft game played by fun spoiling uptight cunts.

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