As one of the previous posts has devolved into a fanny cradock cooking club, Here is the place to post your apocalyptic cuisine tips.
No bat soup recipes please .
Admin.
…. is a cunt
As one of the previous posts has devolved into a fanny cradock cooking club, Here is the place to post your apocalyptic cuisine tips.
No bat soup recipes please .
Admin.
That looks like my first apartment LOL
4
Lol, good one admin. 😁
3
Here is my cost effective spag bol and chilli con carne, cook at the same time and make a big batch and freeze some (for the busy cunters).
You can use Quorn mince which I do or Beef and pork mince.
Brown the mince well, take aaaaht the pan and put aside.
Brown a finely chopped carrot, two onions and some celery and add garlic towards the end so it don’t burn…take aaaaht the pot
and put with the mince.
Two tins of tomatoes and a generous amount of tomato paste in the pan add a stock cube (or your own stock if you are as good as me), add the other ready cooked ingredients and get another pot and divide all the combined ingredients by half in each pot.
In the spag bol add loads of dried oregano, basil, and a cook for an hour or two…add a nice splash of olive oil 10 minutes before ready.
For the chilli add a load of cumin, oregano, chilli powder and a spoonful of raw cacao (or cocoa powder), smoked paprika, chilli flakes and a dash of BBQ sauce. Cook for an hour or two.
Whilst it’s cooking go fuck yourselves…
And then go fuck yourselves.
8
I hate it when people say ‘Spag Bol’. Like people who call wetherspoons ‘spoons’.
Going to ‘spoons’? NO I’M NOT. NOW FUCK OFF!
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I am 12% Italian Unimaginative cunt so go fuck yourself. 😁
7
Only 12%? Thought it was more.
1
You missed out the spaghetti!
Stick some wholewheat spaghetti in a pot. Add a teaspoon of salt and boiling water. Simmer and stir occasionally for approx 15 minutes. Before it gets too soft remove and place in colander and rinse with boiling water. Serve and go fuck yourself.
6
I’m really hoping this will lead to a new programme called “The Black & White Kitchen”
with B&WC using his catchphrases such as aaaht and abaaaht.
Each week has a female starlet celebrity that he has to cook for and at the end of the segment BW&C breaks the 4th wall and does an aside to his audience where he says
“I’d stick my tongue in her arsehole”.
😂😂
8
No delivery available for 3 weeks? No food on the shelves in the shops? Simply look around the shop more carefully, there some tasty alternatives to be had if you get inventive.
Only yesterday, the wife and I tucked into a hearty lightbulb and shoe polish stew.
Fuck off.
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Suya is versatile, an African Kebab that can be made with (and normally is) any thing.
so cat fucks you off or the mrs dies here is the how to.
Suya is a coating for your meat designed to mask the flavor of it.
I use frying steak cut into little squares and dried on kitchen towel, the dryer the better.
Suya mix is easy to make, chuck onion powder, chilies, peanuts (roasted better and if salted do not add salt to the mix) course grind it in a blender with a big dolop of tomato puree.
Now chuck it in a bowl with your meat and rub it on, take it out bash it with a meat hammer repeat.
Chuck it on skewers (just meat) drizzle with oil barbecue or grill.
Serve with raw white onion and beef tomato’s, with a side of star larger beer.
For added authenticity eat near an open dustbin on a hot day for that “Lagos feeling”
It is nice, as I said any meat will do.
4
“No batsoup recipes please”
Spoil sport bastards I could go for some tasty batsoup right now. I was hoping Sir Fiddler or someone had a good batsoup or civet cat recipe to share with us
You know batsoup isn’t what started this virus? I mean we will never ever fucking know the real bloody truth because the WHO can’t give us a straight fucking answer on anything or of where this virus started and they are doing massive damage control for China
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Authentic Wuhan Bat Soup
It is important to respect the hygeine rules for making this classic dish. You must first refuse to wash or shower for 3 weeks. Then, place assorted wildlife in flimsy cages. Stack them as high as possible. And try to find ones that look ill or are dying for added authenticity. Try and use species that never come into contact with each other in the wild. Indeed, species which rarely have contact with humans are also preferred.
Let ‘nature’s marinade’ begin, as the animals start crapping, spitting, vomiting and urinating all over each other through the cages. Be sure that you gozz everywhere too, play with your sweaty arsehole with your ungloved fingers and cough up phlegm all over the place. Kill the animals and store them in the open sun for weeks. No fridges here! Use water drained from a local bin, add some pangolin spunk and blood and throw in the bat’s bollocks.
Chow down and bring the entire planet to a standstill. But hey, it’s your culture, right?
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Sounds tasty. I’d try it.
3
hahh…weld the brew into a 200 litre gas cylinder, put a 150 PSI relief valve and leave in the hot sun for a week
2
Sounds absolutely dericious cunty thank you for sharing your recipe with us. We are a truly cultured lot now with this authentic Chinese cuisine dish
4
Three strokes, that sound like what my arse has been doing (except I fear relieve valve is somewhat blocked)…the tedium of chronic constipation. Thought my bumhole had healed over, but thank Dog the worst has passed (pun intended) and the gnawing discomfort has gone.
Well, it makes a change from Corbyn-19.
1
I tried to buy some in Tesco but the queue was too long…
3
Onion, garlic, chorizo, chopped bacon, 1 tin each of haricot, cannelini, chick peas, chopped tomatoes and some chicken stock.
Fry chorizo slices, add oil if needed. Add onion, garlic and bacon, cook gently, add drained pulses and tomatoes with a cup full of stock. Simmer gently until ready, your choice when that’s applicable.
For dessert, arse biscuits.
4
Sounds good love me some chorizo sausage I always cut some up and add it to my spaghetti or pasta dish
Not so sure bout those arse biscuits tho perhaps black & white will like that one already got the strawberries and clotted arse cream…
3
For dessert get some clotted cream, and a strawberry…stick the strawberry up your Mrs arsehole and cover with clotted cream.
Now try and get the strawberry with your tongue… lovely.
Go fuck yourselves.
14
Is that from Mary Berry’s cookbook b&wc
5
That Mary Berry allegedly loved that recipe GB, it was in her 1976 X rated cook book.
5
Of course, strawberry can always be repaced with a date…
1
I always preferred using a whole pineapple
1
I am currently thinking of a new recipe, for grass cutting soup, mowed the lawn this morning and have plenty of time, so will up date you all later!
on closer inspection that would be lawn clippings and dog shit soup so I will skip that experiment
11
Thick cut white toast, Anchor spreadable butter, Frank Cooper’s fine cut oxford marmalade, Kenco decaff.
Scrummy!
6
I have Frank Coopers Original Oxford …..
No Decaff in my place YUK!
5
I had to quit caffeine for health reasons. Went through terrible withdrawal symptoms for ages, shocking headaches in particular!
Kenco Decaff tastes surprisingly close to regular coffee.
3
That was my contribution to panic buying, stripped Tesco of coffee, forget bog roll, a world without coffee is my worst nightmare 😁
4
Going through something similar myself RTC.
As mrs B is at risk (more so in the current clime) she is practicing self distancing and I am starting my 14 day quarantine so I have taken up wanking, which lets face it is like de caf
3
Starbucks do a nice strength twelve decaf for my nespresso machine.
I’m caffeine and Chinese intolerant – especially the latter…
4
FC’s marmalade, food of the gods Ruffers
2
Here are the ingredients for my recipe of braised dandelion greens. During these trying times, what better than to take a stroll in the garden and help yourself to free food?
150g chopped dandelion greens
2 tablespoons of olive oil
3 cloves of garlic (crushed)
1 teaspoon of Korean red pepper flakes
2 tablespoons of dandelion vinegar or white wine vinegar
2 tablespoons of organic maple syrup
A small handful of chopped toasted hazelnuts or pine nuts.
What do you mean, where are the instructions?
You’ll have to fuck off and buy my book ‘Foraging with Bertie’ if you want to know more.
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It’ll be a bestseller Bertie. 😁
5
Afternoon Black and White. It only came out yesterday and already I’ve been accused of profiteering. I just spotted a gap in the market and I’m just fulfilling a need.
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Afternoon Bertie.
2
I’m looking forward to Mr Fiddler’s Rambler Stew and The Butler who pissed me off pie.
6
Every Christmas I do an italian ginger and viniger stroke biscotti with a Daztilli cream …..I basically wank of on ginger nuts and simply pass around extended family members….cunts.
4
Take pan
Add fat
4 lrg spuds
Cut to suit
Fry spuds till golden
Drain
Stick on bread season to suit.
You sir are now a Englishman.
5
Fuck me we have turned into Cuntsnet.
500g Pangolin intestines. If you cant get pangolin try panda minge.
2 Bats, on the bone.
750 kg pasta, from your lock up.
1 tin chopped tomatoes.
Microwave for 3 hours on full. Cool. Store in one of the 7 freezers in your garage. Serve with Tennants Special, White Lightning or some other tramp’s aftershave.
9
Sounds like you’re planning an illegal dinner party. Can source all but the pasta. And the tin of tomatoes.
2
Get can of Tesco’s Beef Casserole. Open can. Get spoon. Eat.
4
The kitchen is no place for a man. Unless he’s doing a bird from behind against the washing machine. What the hell are you lot playing at? I’ll order you all some frocks.
Get to fuck.
10
Somewhat disturbing, but interesting all the same. They appear to fall short in some areas, like crane hire if you catch a flabbopotamus.
1
My perfect recipe for aubergine is, first wash it, cut into half inch slices, chop it into cubes then scrape it into the bin and get yourself some proper grub.
11
Lol, good one Sir Mali Pirate.
4
Excellent Sir Mali Pirate! Did you get that from MNC’s cook book?
My recipe? Some fava beans, a nice chianti – ff ff ff ff..
4
No, I’m doing my own shit food cookbook. Can’t get away from A at the mo.
Aubergine
Avocado
Anchovy
Asparagus
Apricots
All ghastly shit
3
If you’re on a diet this is a great recipe.
A sprinkle of I’d stick my tongue up her arsehole, mixed with some I know naffink abaaaaaht it, garnish with some aaaaht and abaaaaaht and serve whilst shouting ‘Go fuck yourselves’…the neighbours will be most intrigued.
Piss off.
7
Hahaha great recipe!
3
Delia wants to know if she can include that in her next cookbook B&WC!
She also mentioned something about four bottles of lambrini as a side dish – lesh be avin you, hic!
4
Oh Delia is most welcome VF, she was worth a bang when she was younger still probably would now if she promised to cook me breakfast
4
The best Chinky sir fry
1) Get a fresh chinky. A slit eye or slope will do. You can usually buy them is wet markets where they are stacked in cages dripping in shit and piss and can be slaughtered by your friendly wet market butcher. A good tip is to get them to gut and par boil the Chinky for you.
2) Cop up and add garlic, ginger and a little soy sauce before wacking it in a big Wok
3) Feed to the dog.
5
Apparently you should boil or fry then alive as, according to the chinkies, the more agony that they die in, the better the flavour…
4
They skin them first.
3
Shepherds pie:
Peel two shepherds..
4
First, catch your shepherd…
5
First set a trap. Tether one fat ewe to a post…
2
I went for a walk in our local park earlier, and noticed that there seem to be far fewer squirrels and magpies around than is normal for this time of year.
3
the govermint has advised squirrels and magpies to only go out if necessary – you know – it’s all fucking nuts to me, for food and shitting
3
Nurse Cunty’s Lockdown Recipe
************************************
One big, fuck-off mug of tea
One big, fuck-off bag of giant Chocolate Buttons….preferably two, but not essential.
Fill your boots, feel like you are going to puke, but fall asleep because there is fuck all else to do during lockdown.
Serves ONE person only (all you others can fuck off and get your own scran)
11
Twirls and Blue Ribands are my guilty pleasure Nurse. I’m starting to worry about re-supplying tho. Hope you’re well stocked with Buttons for the duration!
4
Creme eggs for me…. I’ve had 3 already today.
4
howzabout some multi-coloured marshmallows – the only issue is they don’t do blue ones – six at a time helps the digestion …
3
Now you’re talking DTS!
Creme eggs are delicious….haven’t had one for a while, but may have to indulge now.
Avoid the creme egg Mc flurry, I had one once and almost reported them to trading standards.
4
Yep, well stocked up Ron, but I must admit to tucking into my sister’s already-purchased easter egg gift (I’ll have to get hold of another one now……I really am a greedy cunt)
I’m ruthless when it comes to chocolate, I must admit……
Oooh, I love a Twirl too and a Blue Riband. You cant really go wrong with anything Cadbury’s….
4
Double decker ……
Oh what I wouldn’t do for a double decker right now 😃😃😃😃
4
Got some beef jerky from the shop to try, as pkts of crisps & dry roasted nuts were long gone..
WHAT A MISTAKA TO MAKA !
..I’m now addicted to the stuff. It’s like crack coccaine for blokes who love a steak… little strips on concentrated beef flavour. One pkt is never enough !
I may have to start an addicts group (when we’re allowed to meet other people, that is)
9
Take 1 Blair, 1 Branson, 1 Martin, 1 Ashley, and any other cunts you can think of.
Place into an industrial mincer in front of a video camera.
Press record.
Switch on mincer.
When all entertainment has ceased, upload video to the web.
Wait for the plaudits from a grateful nation.
8
Self isolation cooking:
8 cans of lager and a nice lie down.
Fuck kitchens.
9
Poor man’s pizza.
Ingredients:
– Any cheese you like (Cheddar, Double Gloucester, Red Leicester work well).
– Two (or multiples of two) rounds of bread
– Mayo
– Tomato puree
This is the for the “Margarita” version, for anything else just select a topping of you choice mine is either thin chorizo slices or tinned tuna.
Directions:
– Grate the cheese (if not already grated). You can slice it if you’re an idle cunt.
– Mix the mayo/puree (4:1 ratio) in a cup/bowl/whatever. Make enough to add a thin layer to each round of bread.
– Put the oven on 180c. Want that in Fahrenheit? Look it up – cunt!
– Toast two rounds of bread.
– Apply the mayo/puree mix to cover the toasted slices up to the edges.
– Add your topping (if you have one) to the slices.
– Sprinkle over the cheese to cover the slices.
– Add a good twist of black pepper.
– Stick in the oven for 4mins.
Et. Voila! A cunts version of pizza. Not Dominoes but who gives a fuck when you’re 6 in to an 8 pack of McEwan’s Export!
Cunts!
7
I’ve been doing this for a few years now, no mayo (definitely going to give that a go) but with a slice of ham, and the puree sprinkled with either Italian seasoning or just oregano. If hungry I’ll use 4 slices of bread and do them in a sandwich toaster although I try to avoid this nowadays as it takes four times as long to clean the cheese off it as does to prepare, make and eat.
2
I used to enjoy those french bread pizzas with ham and pineapple.
3
Oh Bob Arson you wonderful cunt you…..perfect.
1
In the event of the freezer section of your local supermarket being stripped of microwaveable chips, simply go to the shed, fetch your stepladder into the kitchen and armed with a spatula, prise down a polystyrene ceiling tile, slice into 6mm strips, drench in castrol gtx and walk at a brisk pace past the radiator in the hallway, whilst brandishing them.
Indistinguishable from the fast food joint version.
7
Baggage handlers
Why not put massive blocks of sushi on the conveyor belt? Or sushi restaurants could put little suitcases on their conveyor belts so as hamsters could pretend that they’re at the airport or something. I have to admit, I haven’t really thought this one through properly.
(Viz Top Tips)
3
Michelin star Fray Bentos, Serves 4
Sous vide the Fray Bentos for 1 hour, remove from tin and divide into 4 bowls
Add 2 tbsp steamed Fennel
Add Truffel shavings
Add Horseradish foam
Optional: Parmesan shavings
Voila and bon appetit!!
4
Steady on. It’s only a pandemic, not nuclear winter.
3
anyone got a recipe for ‘boiled celebrity stew’ with a sprinkle of coriander?
3
Afraid not Lana – but I believe Katy Price is a big fan of roasts! 😄
2
that makes me feel very sick ……..
2
I had a bachelor lunch.
2x hot pickled onions
1x gherkin
2x slices of cheese
1x pickled chili
bowl of mushroom soup and slice of bread.
I was awaken from my post lunch snooze by an urge to fart, a thing that would not normally awaken me I am told, erring on the side of caution I made my way to the toilet where suitability sat my lunch exited me with the finesse of a fire sprinkler.
4