Stupid Car Names

I propose a hit-and-run cunting for stupid car names. A bit ‘niche’ perhaps, and not a burning subject of our times, but for some reason they just piss me off. Plus I need a break from having a go at Remoaners and various other anti-social cunts.

Back in maaaah day, us motors ‘ad proper, no nonsense names like the Datsun ‘Boring’ or the Fiat ‘Ruster’. Even now, there are plenty of makes about whose names generate a sense of empathy and identity with the model, such as ‘Golf’, ‘Civic’ and ‘Ibiza’. Yet as time has passed, manufacturers have been unable to resist the lure of giving stupid, wanky names to their cars in an attempt to make them seem more individualistic. The marketing suits have taken over, and image is king.

As I’ve observed this phenomenon over time, I detect the development of two distinct trends for those vehicles aimed at the mass market. What do you do if you’re punting a tiny, nought to sixty in fifteen minutes box on wheels? You can hardly hope to sprinkle it with Bondesque allure, so you go for the quirky, trendy, cute angle. Hence the Chevrolet ‘Sparkle’, the Daihatsu ‘Naked’ or the Mitsubishi ‘Winky’; and let’s not forget the latter’s ill-fated ‘Lettuce’. Then if you want to conjure up a grittier, more dashing image for your bog standard saloon, you try to add a bit of edge by sticking another word onto the name, such as the ‘Dart Swinger’, the ‘Cavalier Commander’, or the ‘Fiesta Flame’. For an extra touch of sophistication, put in a letter ‘q’ without a ‘u’ somewhere, as in ‘Qashqai’ and ‘Ioniq’. Developing this theme of the meaningless but esoteric, you can come up with names like ‘Captur’ and ‘Kadjar’. Wow I’m overwhelmed. Got to get me one of them Kadjars. Renault’s an iconic marque if ever there was one.

Then to anyone who really wants to add yet more ‘devil may care’ to their image, I’d say, why not throw caution to the wind and bolt a caravan onto the back of your Satsuma ‘ShitZsu’? There are some really sexy beasts out there, such as the ‘Meteor’, the ‘Conqueror’, and my own personal favourite, the ‘Marauder’.

Ironically, I’d bet that car manufacturers pay a king’s ransom to marketing twats, only for them to come up with ludicrously naff names. I can offer a couple here and now off the top of my head. How about the Audi ‘Rsoul’ for example, or the Mercedes ‘Wankar’? You can have those on the house boys. Sorry BMW, but I’ve already trademarked the ‘Kuntr’, but I’m sure that we could come up with a mutually acceptable financial agreement.

Contact me through IsAC. I’ll be waiting for your call.

Nominated by Ron Knee

94 thoughts on “Stupid Car Names

    • Morning Magic. I quite like the Suzuki Swift, probably because I’m a sad, boring cunt, but it’s a neat little round town car. And bizarrely enough, it’s one of the most stolen cars over here, and not just to be burnt out later! Maybe our car thieves need to improve their taste?

      • Evening kiwi, as us British invented time we would appreciate it if the rest of the empire could also go by GMT. Perhaps it’s just where I live, but Swifts are invariably driven by wizened old ladies at around 2 thirds of the speed limit. I had a friend moved to NZ, are you a fat, bald Scotsman?

        • Getting fatter, hair is definitely thinning but thankfully I’m not Scottish. It’s doubtful I’m the man you know 😂

  1. I think there are some driving enthusiasts that remove the brand names and logos on their car. I don’t own or drive a car, is that legal to do that?

    1 yes you can remove the logo
    2 like you a lot of people can not drive
    3 ditto they do not own them
    4 yes it seems to be legal

  2. p.s. I remember years ago seeing the Daewoo Matiz then years later… the exact same car but a called a Chevrolet Matiz. Eh?

    • Morning telly. Probably because they were owned by wankers who insisted on “pimping” up their cunt wagon.

      • Leyland got in on the act with the Mini Mayfair.
        Although the Triumph Razzle never caught on…

        • or Morris always a bit pedestrian, with their rather ordinary “Readers Wives”, which couldn’t pull the skin off a rice pudding.

  3. Halford’s used to sell little chrome letters that you could stick on your car so it would become a GTi or some other shit, I bought the letters CRAP and had a CRAP KA, fucking hated that car it was a pile of shit.
    I now own a volvo V70 nicknamed Vlad because of the tow bar that catches you in the shins, cunting thing!, but pretty much bomb proof.

    • CRAP KA sounds like it ought to be a dooshka-dooshka FIAT, ie rusty gas chamber on wheels.

      Was the Austin Allegro designed by someone who had an intimate knowledge of hospital sanitary ware ? Lots of them seemed to have rolls of bog paper and cans of Glade on the back shelf.

      Bring back the Hillman Pimp !

      And I’m sure the time is right for a Triumph Sodomite…

  4. Seeing as the corporates are so woke these days have the car manufacturers thought about chasing the pink pound? Imagine the names you could give cars with bum appeal……

    The Elton
    The Owen
    The Schofield Latecomer
    The Rentboy
    The Barrymore Injection
    The Sunshine
    The Mincer Special Edition

    The trouble is, of course, is that no cunt would buy them because it’s only a tiny minority of consumers who are benders, lezzies, trannies, vegans and save the planet wankers, who think that a car is the work of the devil in the first place.
    It’s a shame the corporates don’t understand who their customers are and fuck off the weirdos who are no use to any cunt.

    • I like your thinking Freddie.
      I’ll add ‘The Rainbow’ to your suggestions if I may. The Jeep Cherokee Rainbow; has a certain ring to it, I feel. Make it available in the appropriate multi-coloured bodywork, and what’s not to like?

  5. Rule of thumb when naming cars, is use animal names,
    mustang, puma, panther, lynx, etc
    Seems to work, although the ford sloth
    Or nissan slug might not sell?
    Choose your animals wisely…

    • Id give you driving lessons instead of 50p Spoonington!
      A daewoo donkey minibus,
      Or chrysler crab bubble car!
      We could host the ISAC Top Gear show!

  6. I almost pissed myself laughing as I read Ron’s nom. He definitely saved the best till last there.🤣

    BMW and Mercedes have the right idea by just giving their jaloppies a number with the odd letter here and there. That way a name can’t cramp the cars style and have people ripping the piss out of it. I think a name could possibly put a person off buying a decent car in some cases. Going back 40-50 years as a kid I never understood why Morris called the 1000 replacement the Marina. That was before I heard of the female name, and assumed it was to do with a harbour for boats and yachts. Probably the designers wife’s name!

      • My father-in-law had a Marina. It was a cunt of a car, and epitomised everything that was wrong with the British car industry in the 70s and 80s. What a fucking heap!

  7. Best misnamed car ever was the Mitsubishi charisma. If there ever was a car with fuck all charisma that was it.

    • Then the Bitsamissi Starion, I presume the designers meant a horse but the word got mixed up around the Conference table at Minatoku

      And WTF is a Kluger?

      How many cars are named after fish? I can think of Barrracuda but for some reason no carp, goldfish roach tench etc.

  8. Ford never did make a Sports Injection model of their monumentally named model , Ka.
    Think about it.
    On the other hand, apart from 4 fingers and a thumb the resident marketing geniuses soon discovered the lack of Brazilian sales of their ‘Pinto’ model was down to the fact Pinto refers to a small male appendage.
    The same could be said for GM’s LaCrosse which meant self gratification in French Canada, as did Mitsubushi’s Pajero in the Spanish speaking parts of the world.
    In short, the marketing departments of practically any business are a bunch of shouty, self congratulating cocaine addled freaks.
    Can I have a job please?

  9. I miss the Granada. Had a lot of fun in old Granadas in my distant youth.
    Most of them banger-raced into extinction sadly…

  10. Ford Capri!

    For me one of the most recognizable cars (and model names) ever, and its a crying shame modern day car designers are totally fucking clueless with going with a retro Capri Ghia design for an electric car – best of both worlds!

    And as for latest model names – do me a fucking favour: pretentious bollocks for pretentious fuckwits, who would be better suited to car brands like Ford Cunt; Suzuki Turd, Honda Twat and BMW Cockless

  11. Good nom and I was thinking the same thing today. Dacia Duster anyone? Sounds like a robot that cleans your house.

  12. Evening all.
    I didn’t want to make the nom too long so I left a few cunt names out, but Vauxhall’s Meriva, Zafira and Mokka all strike me as a bit shitty as well.
    My own favourite is the Suzuki Jimny. Apparently it was originally to be called the ‘Jimmy’ after Suzuki execs paid a visit to Scotland, but something got a bit lost in translation and it ended up as ‘Jimny’. I’d have loved to drive around north of the border in a ‘Jimmy’!

    • Like the Mitsubishi Starion. Given that Mitsubishi did the Colt, I assume it was meant to be called the Stallion, but the guy who told the marketing department its name was obviously a happy clapp jappy.

  13. Like to think im immune from sales bollocks Ron, thought wrong!
    Ford Ranger Raptor!
    Ohhh. Want one!

    Anyway im off.
    Slow on here tonight isnt it?
    Someone died?

  14. Close friend of mine has just bought VW UP! , there’s nothing up about it , it’s tiny .
    VW should have names like .
    VW jew
    VW the holocaust (gas injection)
    VW Aldolf SS
    VW Panzer
    Well it’s only right since Hitler founded VW .

    • I’d buy a VW Stuka, especially if it came fitted with a screaming siren that came on when you touched 60.

      • Bang on Ron Knee i was trying to think of a plane but couldn’t think. Yeah VW stuka good name Adolf would be proud.

        • I’m surprised that we’ve never had a Mitsubishi ‘Zero’, after that company’s famed WWII fighter. the Toyota ‘Kamikazi’ also has a certain ring to it for boy racer types, I feel.

          • I think we have found your new job , you could contract yourself out to car manufacturers names there new models .

  15. Nice creative cunting, RN. Entertaining prose. I suppose I knew subconsciously that a lot of cars in the present day had really cunty names, but it was only after reading this nom that the full weight of said really cunty names hit me (so, extra points to RN for typing it and posting it). I’m not really that materialistic anymore, so I don’t give a shit what I drive — as long as it isn’t a total banger. Practicality and reliability over style, these days. A Ford Focus 1.0 eco boost in metallic candy apple, thanks.

    Ps: I don’t shave my body parts, including my cornhole, so my undercarriage looks like a burnt-out Ford Focus. Don’t believe me? Who wants a peek to confirm?

    • Funboy@
      Berties gonna tear you a new ‘cornhole’ when he reads that post!

      • MNC, I secretly think ol’ Bertie boy likes the guys more than the gals. He’s been giving me plenty of attention since I arrived on this noble part of the cyber world. 😀😉

        • Heehee, thats some hole your digging yourself Funboy!
          Hes as straight as i am!
          Admittedly im wearing a floral frock with rollers in my beard at the moment, but you know what i mean.

          • The floral patterns on dresses are very good at drawing the eyes away from problem areas like my somewhat muscular calves, I mean “their” somewhat muscular calves, as it were..
            Used to have a Rover SD1, utter piece of shit, 7 to the gallon with the cold start stuck on and as soon as it clicked off it would stall pulling out of junctions, glad the seats were already brown!
            BL cars were terrible – I recall Ted Heath being given an SD1 as his ministerial vehicle, when he got in it the drivers side window fell out and when he tried to start it it was completely dead – a brand new car – and Heath said “Take that f*cking thing away and never bring it back”.
            BL being run at the time by hardline communists who ran the company into the floor and out of business, thanks for that Red Robbo!
            Many Years later bought a Rover 214si – f*cking superb, incredible speed for a 1.4 litre, amazing build quality and utterly unbreakable!
            I am thinking of a Ford clitoris – every c*nt has one! 😃

          • Is the Ford clitoris a real car as I keep looking , but I can’t seem to find one.
            None of my mates can either.

          • The Porsche Cayenne. A stupid name for a fat hatchback.
            A cayenne pepper is a moderately hot chilli pepper. It doesnt suit the dark blob that comes screaming around country lanes at 8.30 taking little Rollo and Jacinta to the St Bernard’s primary school of betterment.
            Perhaps the Porsche Dumpling might be more suitable.

      • I remember seeing a Beetle in London years ago with the registration V2. Usually these sort of plates are pretty cunty, but I thought that one was actually quite witty.

        • Werner Von Brauns autobiography was titled “I reach for the stars”
          Winston Churchill added “but sometimes hit London”

  16. I remember years ago my made had a sporty Ford Cougar. Sadly though they don’t produce them anymore – now they make a piece of shit SUV called the Kuga (I pronounce it Kugger because the spelling is as retarded as the person who thought of it).

    • Been in one of them before DCI, the fractured skull, spine, ribs and sternum hurt (took a trip through a car windscreen into a field) – but nothing like the pain of the paramedic cutting me out of a Dolce and Gabbana shirt! (had to locate where all the blood was pissing out of apparently)
      The inhumanity! 🤣

      • There’s something deeply satisfying about cutting a punters clothes off. I’m baffled as to why???? Genuinely baffled.

        • Not sure on that one DCI – had I been functioning properly I would have realised the shirt was shredded anyway, but was a tad below par at the time!
          The most terrifying part was being in hospital, completely bed bound and having to have bed baths – the most scary nurse I have ever seen, like a Russian lady shot putter she was – as I lay there helpless she was vigorously washing my somewhat bruised genitalia and telling another nurse that r*pists should be castrated, my recovery was considerably more rapid than first thought possible!

  17. When Toyota introduced the MR2 years ago they had to call it something else (can’t remember what) because MR2 in French sounds like “merde”.

    • The original boxy shape MR2 was superb – wouldn’t mind one of them!
      I used to work as a technical manager for Audi, and found out by chance garages charge customers exactly double what they paid VW group for them – thieving b*stards, but useful info when negotiating a discount!

  18. My cunt of a brother had a Wartburg, we ripped the fucking piss out of the cunt
    It wasn’t as fast as my Ford Cataloy

  19. Anyone remember the Mazda ‘Xedos’ ???
    Good looking car – a name no-one knew how to pronounce.

  20. Can we append a sub-cunting for the Nissan Juke? On account of its utter fucking ugliness and stupid name.

    • Spot on. And when it comes to ugly, I’d also nominate the Fiat Frog (or Multipla, I believe it’s righty called)

  21. Does anyone else wonder if Ford dropped the Fiesta and Escort because they were named the same as popular 1980’s Jazz-Mags, and as posited in Viz some years ago, they only needed to run out a model called the Razzle to complete the set?

  22. Mitsubishi made a 4×4 wagon called the Pajero in the 90’s which has found its way into the UK as a grey import. They never sold it in Latin America though, the name Pajero means ‘wanker’….

  23. Dacia have some fucking stupid names for their cars:
    Dacia Duster
    Dacia Logan MCV
    Dacia Sandero Laureate (For poets presumably)
    Of course they are made by Renault who still use those dangerous yellow headlights.

    That Citroen Cactus looks like one of my shites after a Gregg’s Mexican Chicken Wrap.

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