Clapham Gatecrasher

A drive-by cunting to the Kenyan skydiver who inconsiderately put a hole in the garden of a house in Clapham, South London, narrowly missing the homeowner who was sunbathing at the time after falling from the undercarriage of an airliner.

Listen son, in this country if you want to enter illegally you come over in a dinghy from France paying Kurdish people smugglers 10,000 euros, in the back of lorry via the Channel Tunnel on a ferry or just overstay your visa.

I’m just waiting for David Lammy to claim this one too, “I had a friend on a Kenyan Airways flight…..”.

Nominated by Liberal Liquidator

109 thoughts on “Clapham Gatecrasher

  1. Following comments from Boris Johnson that all immigrants must learn our lingo, I just hope that he could speak English. How dare Johnson suggest that, the vile, waycist xenophobic. It’s not necessary in a modern, diverse Bwitain, even for these new Clapham delivery people.

    • Shame it didn’t land on lammy, see who he would have blamed for it.

      • Well, if he had, it would be a miracle, and I’d vote for him everty time!

        • I’d of done a direct swap for Lammy. this fella wanted to come to England. Lammy wants to turn it into Africa

      • The cunt would have blamed a white (any white) air traffic controller for not bringing the plane in sooner so that his hitchhiking friend could defrost on the ground

    • Nah, the ‘plane would never have become airborne with that fat barsteward hanging underneath.

  2. Imagine sitting having a few stella when wallop a dark key skydiver nose dives into your garden. I blame brexit

  3. Apparently this spade left Kenya having come to a fork in the road. He discovered his wife was a hoe and, being considered a rake, he thought he would be better off in the UK. Unfortunately, he thought he could fly mo’ than he actually could.

    • I heard his name was Rbongo Kelly. He believed he could fly, he believed he could touch the sky. He thought about it every night & day but hit the deck as a frozen spade.

      • His Pappa told him …”Yo fly im Ingland and make big impression….”

  4. How the fuck anyone thinks they can survive temperatures below -50°C with no oxygen for hours on end points to how well researched their illegal attempt at entry was.
    One less dimwit to pollute the gene pool.

  5. Lammy will probably blame the airline for not doing enough for the poor victim; and he’ll also blame air traffic control for letting the plane fly with the poor victim clinging onto the undercarriage.

    He’ll then blame the people to whom the poor victim ending up in their back garden for not doing enough (ie. providing him with a trampoline or bouncy castle to cushion the blow); and ultimately he will blame the government for being racist in not giving this poor victim British Citizenship through normal means, and therefore his family will be entitled to sue for millions!

    • Heated undercarriages will become compulsory for all flights entering the UK, that & seatbelts on the landing gear. We can’t have our doctors, engineers & architects freezing to death now can we.

    • Mr Bongo Bongo’s family should sue the cunt whose garden he landed in, for not having a fully functioning safety net installed.

      • It would have been funny, if he had landed on one of those cheap trampolines, that seem to be everywhere.

        • Falling on a sunbathing Flabott would have been better for him. Would have bounced him straight back up into the undercarriage.

          • He’d have hit the plane with such force that it would’ve gone up to 60,000 ft in a few seconds.

            Indeed, Blamby has fwends in “high places.”

    • He’ll blame the captain for having the audacity to lower the undercarriage.

  6. At least you knew where you were with the Luftwaffe and they sounded a siren first, not so the Kenyans.

  7. well if he did make a hole in someone’s garden all the owners have to do is get some top soil and in a few months they will have some good quality Kenyan compost – which would win the approval of the Greenies

  8. Despite being frozen at minus 60 and falling 3,000ft, I think this would-be Kenyan asylum seeker could still have put in a decent marathon time.

    • Was he wearing a frill then? That’s all we need, another fucking poofter!

  9. Thank you flying Kenyan Airways. Good luck with connecting journeys and enjoy your stay at Lammy Hotels and its luxury gardens.

  10. Can’t help but think of that scene from BofB when the kid offers a durrie to the airman, “Thanks awfully old chap”.

  11. I hope they can claim compo for this kent from the sky. Better if he had landed on some sharp railing just to make sure.
    Inconsiderate kent

  12. Jesus – must have been a shock to the sunbathing homeowner. Quietly minding his own business and then some unfortunate Chocco skydives into his garden from the middle of nowhere.

    At least now I know where Cocco Pops gets it’s name from.

    Fuck off and sue me.

    • It’s all part and parcel of living in a modern city, Marvellous.

      Pop out Tesco – possible stabbing.
      Pop out to a club – possible Müslim bomb.
      Pop out to the Post Office – moped acid attack.
      Pop out to do some gardening – raining ooga-doogas.

      • That’s why I’m a miserable sod that prefers to stay indoors, Cap. Going out is not worth the risk!

      • Add to that Captain:-
        Just pop out – possible squat by E. Europeans.
        I’m with MMCR – it’s far safer to just stay at home.

    • Imagine explaining that to their insurance company!

      “Hello, is that so and so Insurance? I wish to make a claim. Some very dark chap has fallen from the skies and smashed into my garden shed!”

      “Fuck off, sir! You having a laugh? You’re not covered for Acts of God or Acts of Fucking Stupidity, so that’s pissed on your day as well.Cheers!”

      * Expect to find an additional disclaimer in future home insurance policies “You’re not covered for dark keys dropping in from 50,000ft”

  13. At least they can send him home in one piece…..it will be a very big flat piece is all.

  14. I was really upset when I heard this news
    Apparently there was room in the undercarriage for 3 more of the fuckers

  15. When growing up was playing out with another lad, we were probably about 12yrs old, bloke walking past about dunno, 30ish, this kid said “hiya skydiver!” Bloke said ‘hiya kid’, when i asked him why he was called skydiver, kid said this bloke had jumped from 6th floor of tower block on our estate and lived. The poor cunt, everyone knew him as skydiver! Kids, old people, everyone! Tried topping hisself, lived gained a nickname, but no sympathy!

    • Some of these stowaways have survived. There is footage on YouTube of one of these Africunts clinging to the wing of an airliner. Looks terrifying. Presumably the plane did not get to full altitude otherwise he would have Ben burnt toast, the cunt.

  16. Lgbtqia+-&%6:”%’£- pride.
    What an absolute load of wank.
    A bunch of prissy little queens in wigs blowing whistles? Seriously? The police, military, etc should not be taking part as the event is overtly political.

    If a copper proposed to their partner at an EDL march they would be sacked. At poofter pride they are “celebrated”.
    A waste of taxpayers money and an event that does nothing for anyone.

    Fuck em.

    Indeed,many years ago I fucked quite a few of them.

  17. I see Andy Murray teams up with Serena Williams in the mixed doubles today.
    I wonder if they’ll share a dressing room ?
    They could see who has the biggest bollocks.
    Game Set and Match Miss (?) Williams.
    Get To Fuck.

  18. This cunt was just another Premier League football import:

    came without any baggage

    very quick down the wing

    made a big impact on the field

      • I heard he was a lot better in the air than the Cardiff bloke, although we never got a chance to see if he could sink or swim in English football.

      • Surely he was miles off-side? Bring in V.A.R.

        Very Active Rapist.

        • Very much on side I think. He landed in Clapham. Nobody would notice yet another fucking foreigner there………unless he was outside Clapham South station with a knife sticking out of his neck.
          Lot of CCTV there.

  19. The carrier is responsible for passenger security….
    Kenya Airlines Policy
    No passport, get in the fucking undercarriage and get off before landing.
    Sorted!

  20. I heard the bloke rushed in and said to his wife “Guess what? We have a garden gnome”.

  21. Tunisia has just banned the niqab in public places. Over to you libtards.

  22. Perhaps British Airways should include illegals hanging onto the undercarriage of their planes as part of their current inclusion and diversity ad campaign!

  23. May I remind you of another tragedy from this week……..80 refugees drowned in the Med yesterday. Lighted candles and hand holding all round. 😁😃😃😆

  24. Excuse the change of subject but my piss is super boiled. This evening’s news includes protests about primary schools hours being cut. Who should feature in this, is our old friend Jesse Philips who left her children doing their homework on the steps of no.10. I have some sympathy for the cause but to use children under 11 in political protest is abhorrent. Little kids of about 9 were chanting political slogans. I’m fuckin disgusted.

    • Well, as most parents seem to regard school as a free child minding service the Brummie bitch may have, inadvertently, made a very good point. Why are they cutting school hours anyway?
      If I was a politician I would say it was to save on heating and lighting and therefore save the planet. In other words, we’re ripping you off but it’s for your own good you dumb cunts.
      Trebles all round!

  25. I told the cunt to drop my expensive coffee off in Notting Hill not Clapham.
    I’ve spent the day trying get a refund.
    Can’t get the right staff these days.

    • It would have been fitting for him to drop in on the leftist thumbsuckers protest during Trumps visit just as Suckdick was blathering “Diversity is our strength”.

      • That would have been funny LL, after the daft cunt landed Sadiq would probably say this is all part of living in a major city. The cunt.

        • Boris saying about a amnesty for illegal immigrants in uk.yeah thats exactly what we need/want Boris, dont worry about brexit its only 3yr in, you concentrate on making any cunt whos sneaked in a full citizen.

          • That’s another 3milliion illegals in then between proposing an amnesty and actually getting it through Parliament. Can see Boris being as useless as mrs dismay

          • The BBC reported, very briefly, last month that various doctors were liable to be prosecuted because 3 million more people were registered with doctors than the official population figures.
            They didn’t pass any further comment.

  26. I hope, at the end of the year, this flying stiff is going to get some kind of comedy award.
    He’s created more laughs than all the cunts on the BBC put together.

    • Bet hes already got a contract Freddie! His own show coming soon, be sat next to freddie Flintoff om a league of their own.

  27. Well, he’s got a coffin of his own now the dozy cunt.
    He took the trouble to prepare a bag of sarnies but not to research what happens to the human body in the landing gear of a long haul aircraft. Another architect lost to basic stupidity.

      • Bushmeat I imagine, so could be anything……..snake, chimpanzee, KFC. Don’t know, but I heard he had a nice slice of watermelon in there among the sarnies.
        I’m quite partial to watermelon…… but not after it’s been in some immos lunchbox. 🤮

      • It’s a shame he’ll never get to try those NHS Listeria & Salmonella ones.

  28. I don’t think it is nice making fun of this. As much as I don’t agree with illegal immigration the poor man died. Have some heart

    • Quite right, quite right.

      I shouldn’t really be wanking in hysterical joy and laughing until my temples ache over this fallen soldier. It’s not really on.

      Especially as these lovely, civilised migrants would be falling over themselves to help me if I had suffered a major fatal injury.

    • No fear, the sunbathing person was fine. But those planes should watch where they empty their toilets of infectious human waste in future.

  29. Stick around Jason. It won’t cost you anything to have a different point of view. We don’t abuse people who have different points of view. We may gently take the piss out of your homo tendencies but i’m sure you can handle that.

    • I don’t mind. Perhaps I can tempt you to join in on my homo tendencies. 😘😘😘😘😘

        • Yeah, have a cheap pop at the amphibians B&W why don’tcha?
          To be fair, I think Jason would prefer your arse to mine, given your loose morals. I bet Jason has seduced a few “straight” blokes like you before.
          Tell me i’m right Jason!

          • I like a challenge. Always preferred the straight kind. But once I’ve had my way they ain’t straight anymore 😱😱😱😱

  30. I’d had a shit day until I heard this story. It cheered me up no end.
    I laughed so much I thought I might end up in hospital….

    • “….Laugh? We nearly shat.
      I’ve not laughed so much since grandma died, or when aunt Mavis caught her left tit in the mangle etc”

      • “Jump you fucker, jump” would be a much welcome addition to the liturgy at St. Margaret’s Wetminster.

        As I was walking down the road one day, I saw the Houses of Parliament on fire;
        There were MPs standing at upper-storey windows, for they were sore afraid.
        “Jump, you fuckers, jump into this ‘ere blanket…”

  31. Apparently Amazon are reviewing their drone delivery system after complications with the delivery of a spade.

  32. Amazon have had complaints that their new drone delivery system is failing after a bloke in Clapham ordered a spade to be delivered

  33. I wonder if Dominic Grieve has ever considered on-board flying lessons?. He could make it part of his anti-Brexit campaign. Just think another hot weekend and he could be dropping in to your garden – though I would prefer to see his cadaver land in a hovel in Mile End – the vacuous grin, the staring eyes and the false teeth landing on the cannabis patch

  34. Fuck that for a game of soldiers….next time I fly Kenyan Airways, I am not booking the cheapest seat.

  35. Cost of cleanup – £350

    Savings in Benefits – £350k

    And people talk like we should give a shit.

  36. Darwin Award winner on that plane. Average cruising altitude of around 40,000ft with an air temperature of minus 60. Christ on a zipline, nobody could survive that journey (except maybe Arnie’s John Matrix from Commando). I feel sorry for the bloke sunbathing and very nearly being wiped out by a bulky frozen Twix dropping out of the blue. Apparently he landed only about three feet away from the bloke. 3,000ft is a hell of a drop to shatter the chap’s paving slabs.

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