Clapham Gatecrasher

A drive-by cunting to the Kenyan skydiver who inconsiderately put a hole in the garden of a house in Clapham, South London, narrowly missing the homeowner who was sunbathing at the time after falling from the undercarriage of an airliner.

Listen son, in this country if you want to enter illegally you come over in a dinghy from France paying Kurdish people smugglers 10,000 euros, in the back of lorry via the Channel Tunnel on a ferry or just overstay your visa.

I’m just waiting for David Lammy to claim this one too, “I had a friend on a Kenyan Airways flight…..”.

Nominated by Liberal Liquidator

109 thoughts on “Clapham Gatecrasher

  1. I don’t think it is nice making fun of this. As much as I don’t agree with illegal immigration the poor man died. Have some heart

    • Quite right, quite right.

      I shouldn’t really be wanking in hysterical joy and laughing until my temples ache over this fallen soldier. It’s not really on.

      Especially as these lovely, civilised migrants would be falling over themselves to help me if I had suffered a major fatal injury.

    • No fear, the sunbathing person was fine. But those planes should watch where they empty their toilets of infectious human waste in future.

  2. Stick around Jason. It won’t cost you anything to have a different point of view. We don’t abuse people who have different points of view. We may gently take the piss out of your homo tendencies but i’m sure you can handle that.

    • I don’t mind. Perhaps I can tempt you to join in on my homo tendencies. 😘😘😘😘😘

      • Yeah, have a cheap pop at the amphibians B&W why don’tcha?
        To be fair, I think Jason would prefer your arse to mine, given your loose morals. I bet Jason has seduced a few “straight” blokes like you before.
        Tell me i’m right Jason!

      • I like a challenge. Always preferred the straight kind. But once I’ve had my way they ain’t straight anymore 😱😱😱😱

  3. I’d had a shit day until I heard this story. It cheered me up no end.
    I laughed so much I thought I might end up in hospital….

    • “….Laugh? We nearly shat.
      I’ve not laughed so much since grandma died, or when aunt Mavis caught her left tit in the mangle etc”

      • “Jump you fucker, jump” would be a much welcome addition to the liturgy at St. Margaret’s Wetminster.

        As I was walking down the road one day, I saw the Houses of Parliament on fire;
        There were MPs standing at upper-storey windows, for they were sore afraid.
        “Jump, you fuckers, jump into this ‘ere blanket…”

  4. Apparently Amazon are reviewing their drone delivery system after complications with the delivery of a spade.

  5. Amazon have had complaints that their new drone delivery system is failing after a bloke in Clapham ordered a spade to be delivered

  6. I wonder if Dominic Grieve has ever considered on-board flying lessons?. He could make it part of his anti-Brexit campaign. Just think another hot weekend and he could be dropping in to your garden – though I would prefer to see his cadaver land in a hovel in Mile End – the vacuous grin, the staring eyes and the false teeth landing on the cannabis patch

  7. Fuck that for a game of soldiers….next time I fly Kenyan Airways, I am not booking the cheapest seat.

  8. Cost of cleanup – £350

    Savings in Benefits – £350k

    And people talk like we should give a shit.

  9. Darwin Award winner on that plane. Average cruising altitude of around 40,000ft with an air temperature of minus 60. Christ on a zipline, nobody could survive that journey (except maybe Arnie’s John Matrix from Commando). I feel sorry for the bloke sunbathing and very nearly being wiped out by a bulky frozen Twix dropping out of the blue. Apparently he landed only about three feet away from the bloke. 3,000ft is a hell of a drop to shatter the chap’s paving slabs.

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