Those Who Won’t Eat Offal

People who don’t like offal are cunts.

I enjoy some of the less popular cuts of meat… fried liver, devilled kidneys, tongue, lamb heart, tripe, and of course, sweetbreads.

I can, however, understand why these delicacies aren’t universally enjoyed. Most people lack the palate to appreciate “real” food. They are happy existing on their Richmond Sausages, Findus Burgers and Bernard Matthews Turkey-Twizzlers. One must not only be born with a fine palate ,but one must be raised correctly to appreciate proper food.
What really gets me is when benefit claimants and the like claim that they can’t afford “real” food… ridiculous!. There is nothing cheaper than offal at the butchers. I am aware that Lidl probably doesn’t carry a great selection of stuffed lambs’ hearts, but really, how hard would it be for these people to turn off The Jeremy Kyle Show and march their wobbly arses down to a decent butchers? The exercise and the improved diet would do wonders for them and their benefit-sponging offspring.

I will admit that I’m not partial to faggots,however.

Get Fucked.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

76 thoughts on “Those Who Won’t Eat Offal

  1. ” Not partial to faggots ” I presume you mean the shirtlifter type Mr F. Those served with mash, mushy peas and onion gravy are like Ambrosia to discerning gourmets such as myself.

  2. Great cunting, DF. Richmond Sausages are a disgrace. What the pink paste the casings are filled with comprises, God only knows.

    My personal favourites are lambs hearts stuffed with sage and onion. An absolutely delicious treat (yes treat) and an inexpensive meal.

    How about liver and streaky with onion gravy and rice? Many of these old-fashioned pubs now serve liver and bacon to keep people like me happy.

    The point is, yes, you can prepare wholesome meals with little cost. This is real food, but you won’t see the bludgers without Domino’s pizza boxes pushing the lid up on their wheelie bin.

    • Richmond sausages even LOOK bloody awful; like used condoms stuffed with sprue-patients’ shit.

      Sweetbreads were a real discovery for me many years ago (a resto called The Case, in Feicester; dunno if it’s still there – I hope so), and Chicken Liver & Bacon salad is a treat.

      It won’t be long before we’re all eating goats’ testicles…

    • Culinary tip on lambs hearts Paul – turn them inside out before stuffing them. The fat soaks into the stuffing – delicious.

  3. Shin, shank and cheek are my limit. My beloved dog gets kidney, heart, tripe which I buy and prepare for her. Should there be 50% tariffs imposed on meat, I will go and catch rabbits.

    The Jeremy Kyle demographic can’t boil an egg and think Iceland is the height of culinary wonders. Recently I overheard one young chap asking ‘What’s a poached egg?’ We truly live in an idiocracy.

    • Surely, a poached egg is one that’s been shot (free-range !) with a sawn-off, somewhere dahn the Balls Pond Road… Innit ?

      And when were coddled eggs last cooked in GB ?

  4. Dear Mr Tusk,
    Now we are friends again and staying in the EU could you send some aid to this poverty stricken country. Mumsy says you eat some stuff that we don’t usually have, such as horses, snails, frogs and carp. Could you send some over please? Oh, could you send a few crates of Pinot Grigio for Mumsy. We don’t mind taking a few million peaceful people, Mumsy says they are very nice and you have quite a lot you don’t need. I have drawn you a nice picture of a spurting cock and balls. Hope you like it.
    Love, Sophie (aged 6) xx

  5. Having cooked offal, I would like to cunt the person who had the great idea of adding chicken gizzard on to the human menu.
    I used to get 10kg tubs of washed guts and cook them, the hearts and lungs were fine but the stomachs/ Gizzards were slit and washed, contact with heat makes the fucking thing curl up until it resembles an arsehole.
    I used to call it arsehole gulash because it actually looked like a ring piece stew,
    as I said the other bits were acceptable but fuck me something that looks like a rubbery arsehole is just not food.

  6. Kidney. Type. How did it come to have that secondary meaning?

    TS Eliot uses it in this sense in his poem ‘A Cooking Egg’.

    ‘I shall not want Honour in Heaven
    For I shall meet Sir Philip Sidney
    And have a talk with Coriolanus
    And other heroes of that kidney.’.

  7. I remember some offal and tripe sausages we had in france.
    Put them in the barbie and the whole place stunk of faeces.

    • Anduillettes. I, a convinced offal eater, also barbecued a couple of these once – I was as sick as a dog about an hour after eating them.

      • The Greeks (I normally love Greek food) do an Easter thing, which is lamb’s guts stewed up as a very greasy and dangerous-looking soup. By the admission of a Cretan acquaintance, A&E is usually full to overflowing with food poisoning cases, due to their love of food being not very hot…

  8. Wow spooky.

    I’m just cooking a beef heart stew for this evenings meal. Enough for extra portions and plenty left over for the dogs.

    Hells teeth, I can’t wait to dig in.

    Goodbye for now.

  9. Good morning Mr Fiddler! I’m not sure that “people who don’t line offal are cunts”, more that they are clueless in the kitchen. Which might amount to the same thing.

    A problem with offal is the difficulty in preparation. Sweetbreads (whether of the neck or the belly) need long soaking, gentle poaching and meticulous removal of the membrane – before being crumbed and fried – to be properly enjoyed. Preparation and cooking of tongue is similarly involved and time-consuming: heart less so, but ditto.

    Liver is easier to make a success of, but often the organ is by its very nature extremely strong-tasting, and no amount of soaking in milk will mask a disagreeable pungency. Chicken liver is invariably excellent and cheap, though delicious as it is, calves’ liver is often more costly than fillet.

    In Turkey, kokoreç is a popular streetfood with smashed up revellers in the morning. Although it is rather implausibly made of intestines wound round skewers, its enjoyment lies mainly precisely in its seasoning and crispness from skilful spit-roasting. Kelle paça is another popular pisspots’ early-morning confection, but again it must be prepared by a master, otherwise it is a bitter, greasy and slightly nauseating proposition.

    Perhaps you are lucky in your cook, Mr F?

    • Cook? No cook here, CS. I wouldn’t run the risk of some malcontent shitting in my antique copper pots. I prepare all the food for the hounds and myself.

      • The Queen Mother was actually the daughter of a French cook according to something that I either read or imagined.
        Bet the old Cunt regularly shit in the Royal jam-pans when she thought nobody was around.

        • Those copper jam pans make for very uncomfortably chilly chamber pots in the height of summer, DF, so I rather doubt that latter assertion.
          Agreed about the cooking, however; you literally can’t get the staff these days.

  10. I am one of those cunts.
    I wont eat any offal or any processed meat or fish of any ‘kidney’ to use Mr Plastic’s terminology. This means pies, fishcake, ready meals, sausage and god forbid, saveloy. These foods are not called Lips’n’arsholes for nothing. And the supply chain for frozen meat products is dodgy at best.
    Stick your guts up your arse.

    • Lips n’ arseholes is a great new name for house of commons… So you don’t like any kind of sausages or deli meat why not? so it has a bit of pig, chicken, or cow asshole in it big deal

  11. All of the animal-rights nutters’ll be begging me for advice on how to make the most of their dead cat when Brexit takes hold. I can see it now….

    1) Fill a bucket with water.
    2) Stuff your moggie in it.
    3) Wait for the struggling to stop and then chuck the soggy Cunt in the bin.

    Fuck Off.

    • The idea presumably being, DF, to save the catfood for human consumption, the cupboard having become bare?
      Never tried cat, but I’ve heard it isn’t very nice, and particularly stringy. One for the Cuntstable’s reviled saveloys, at best.

      • I saw that your beloved Fray Bentos is to launch a Vegetarian Balti Mr Fiddler. I’m guessing you would have to be of post-Brexit Meteb’h style dire straits for this abomination to pass over the Fiddler Towers threshold.

  12. I have been duped!!! I thought you were all fine upstanding folk and it turns out you’re all wrong in the head! Weirdos!
    You can stick to eating piss filters and pig feet, I’ll stick to a nice lump of beef, thanks.

  13. As luck would have it, I’m meeting my friend for lunch today. She’s an organ donation nurse. Shall I see if she has some leftovers in her boot for you all?

  14. Hannibal lecter comes to mind Mr fiddler.
    I bet you wash it all down with a little bit of Chianti.

  15. Ex para charged with 2 murders and 4 attempted murders on Bloody Sunday.
    British justice at its finest!
    The wine glasses must be clinking in Whitehall at this very moment.

    • Yes Freddie and it was none other than holier than thou Tony Bliar that called for the enquiry in 1998. Pigfucker Cameron also got in on the act when he stood up in Parliament and apologised to the Irish.
      Makes me sick and tearful at the same time how we treat the forces.
      This country can go to rack and ruin as far as I am concerned. We don’t just have enemy from afar, we have enemy within and there seems to be far too many of the cunts that are making shit decisions.

    • Add sacrificial lamb’s kidneys to the menu Freddie. A real bargain at £200 million and c. 30 years to prepare.

      • Fucking disgraceful.
        NI Secretary says that killings at the hands of the security forces “were not crimes” and then gets battered and humiliated into issuing an immediate apology/retraction.
        No support, no courage, no leadership from anyone else ‘in power’ as they are all too busy fucking up Brexit and don’t want to put their heads above the parapet as they tiptoe around to get into pole position for the next jobfair.
        So now, presumably, the official line is that killings at the hands of the security forces “were crimes”.
        Followed, in very short order, by the cowardly decision to charge this one soldier and make him the focal point for all of the vitriol and sectarian hatred of the one-eyed grudge-bearing bog-trotting cunts.
        Thanks for your support, you spineless, cowardly, bastards; me and the boys really appreciate it.
        Compare it with this:
        1995: Dutch tank commander asked why they had fired 24 rounds of high explosives at a single Serbian sentry post, seen to be firing machine guns at a convoy of unarmed Bosnian refugees.
        Answer (from young female officer, still ashamed over Dutch UN troops’ failure to prevent massacres at Gorazde, Srebrenica etc), “Because I only had 24 rounds”.
        “OK, fair enough. Case dismissed.”
        And fuck off too you Irish cunts. Go and paint another provocative mural on your shitty end of terrace and stew in your own bile for another 400 years, singing rebel songs about your brave boys (but perhaps not the innocent women and children that they kneecapped or blew to pieces).
        Perhaps we should send a company of Paras over each year to join in your childish marching season and make sure you have ‘something to cry about’; at least then you could paint something a bit different on your squalid council houses each summer.

        • The murder of two corporals accidentally encountering an IRA funeral. filmed from above, beaten stripped then shot. Not one single fucker was arrested or charged. It was actually shown on the BBC, clearly the number plate of the Taxi, the face of the driver, and the mob who marched them to their deaths. Never to be bothered again with a freedom from prosecution courtesy of the Blaircunt.!

          Also RIP Nairac.

          Fuch the UK Government, and all who sail in that shitty bowel pipe , the House of Cunts !

        • See comments on Shiraz Maher nom. Veni Vidi Cessi and now the prodigal son is returned. Afternoon CS or selamat malam daripada sini.

          • Schon mal dieses Mather Nom gesehen, bin nicht total einverstanden aber.. shalom, mazel tov, maşallah görüşe güzel, (und başka bir şey, bey efendım.)

            He does look like a cunt.

            Succes and prosperum iter facias my squire!

            Glad to see you’ve not fully reneged from the blog, (in its archaic usage!)

            I’m enjoying a spot of down-time right now, having attended a sad funeral. Appleton’s punch at the ready, and making preparations for a little dinner of mini homemade quiches, salads, a largish crown roast of lamb loin, and an authentic “suan la tang” and old gouda and Roquefort with sweet wines before the grinders come out.

            Fingers crossed, no more than twenty guests.


  16. Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I have done a complete about turn. It is a wonderful thing that you chaps do. Eating all the entrails means that no part of the animal is wasted and that is a beautiful and noble thing that you do. I salute you all.
    But I’m not fucking eating it.

  17. Kidneys and rice is about my limit, and whatever they put in leberwurst. Kokoreç (above) in half a demi-baguette is effectively a shite sandwich with the texture of badly-cooked kalamari. Stick to pastırma (=pastrami).

    • Arnavut ciğer can be rather good, Mr K, as can İşkembe çorbası (after a hard night on the Aslan sütü). I clearly stated that any possible enjoyment of kokoreç is entirely predicated on both its crispness/seasoning and a high residual level of blood-alcohol. Such shite you describe, reminiscent of calamari etc, was badly-grilled/seasoned and doubtless abhorrent.

      Give me proper Jewish East-End-style salt beef over pastırma/pastrami anytime, on the other hand. I never had pastırma in Turkey which wasn’t slightly akın to eating thinly-sliced Staedtler Mars™ pencil eraser: tasty enough, but the wrong “mouthfeel”.

    • Yes, the liver fry-up model is a good one – best off a street vendor with a ? nourishing mug of ayran*. Milk is strictly for Nescafe – preferred the state rakı myself. Or is that a euphemism only known to old Turkey hands?

      Diluted salted yoghurt, effectively. No need to be intentionally obscure.

      • Ayran is good with Rize çay for a breakfast of mercimek çorbası and beyaz peynir/domates/sakatlık, and even better with a nice, decently-spicy Adana kebabı and lahmacun for lunch. Always ask for extra maydonoz and limon with lahmacun/karışık pide.

        Yeni raki (the TEKEL or “state-sponsored” one) a-plenty for dinner, preferably with meze¹, kalkan, barbunya, and imam bayıldı for me.

        ¹make sure good broad bean fava is included in the evening’s hors d’oevres (or go elsewhere), and always demand kırmızı pul biber and a big bowl of esme on the side.

        • It’s no longer state-owned. Diageo got it, I think.

          I never demand anything at home or abroad. I ask politely.

  18. I’m with Betty on this.

    If I wanted to eat organs I would have taken my freezer bag on a surreptitious trip to the morgue when I was doing a stretch in the NHS.

    I’m quite happy to be a cunt as far as this goes…..or anything else for that matter.

    Incidentally, that accompanying pic seems to have an infiltrating, giant turd in it.

    Turd and chips. Yum.

    • Does look like a turd Nurse Cunty. A big one mind. In your years as a nurse you must have come across some massive turds?

      • Massive turds?

        Indeed I did, Miles.

        The managers were always hanging around the fucking ward.

        • Nice one Nurse. Mrs Fim is a retired ICU nurse ( bloody good one too). She was always “hands on” Hates the new generation of degree bearing but ignorant cunts who would faint if they had to do a digital evacuation. As for management – never mention that word in our house. Takes days to get Mr Fim down off the ceiling😉😍

    • Lady Creampuff tells me placenta is very nourishing Nurse Cunty. Would you advise I kick her in the chuff?

      • There is a man that comes round in a van who will – for an extortionate fee, I imagine – whisk your placenta into a lovely smoothie. Or you could have it made into tablets. Alternatively, you could get over yourself and put it in the clinical waste where it belongs. Fucking millennials.

      • Sadly, a placenta is only there if a sprog is too, RTC. Yep, it is indeed supposed to be packed full of goodness, but not something I personally would want with my chips and beans of a Friday evening.

        You could of course kick her in the chuff anyway and see what falls out?

        I remember seeing that twat Hugh Fearnley-Cuntingstall or whatever his name is whipping up a cooked placenta many years ago on TV.

        Think I turned over to watch Corrie. Far less gynecological but some might say, still a pile of cunt.

  19. I dont mind a bit of liver pate but not much else. I would mind trying sweetbreads though.

    • Exceptionally good, if done correctly. As said, a lot of work, but still very worthwhile. I recommend the thymus over the pancreas, but try both.
      Lambs fries are less good, and I’d give those a swerve; as the PG Tips chimpanzee advert would have it: “it’s the taste” (or lack of it). The St John restaurant in Clerkenwell used to be a champion of such cuisine, though I’ve not been for years. (The Three Kings is still good for a gallon or two, though).

  20. Morning cunters just finished cooking breakfast for me and my mum. I before the meal said a old english poem from Rudyard Kipling and after I said a toast with orange juice to democracy, we both had a good laugh well i certainly did more then her

    And might I just say god bless little sophie for her words of encouragement and beautiful unicom drawing she drew for donald tusk may allah bless you and your family sophie you little sweet tart cunt you

  21. Luckily I tried Haggis before I knew what it contained, but i do prefer a nice Sirloin steak.

    • I used to like haggis and had some a few weeks ago but, fuck me, it was so salty that most went in the bin. Never again.

  22. Great cunting Fiddler, I don’t mind some lower cut offal meat. Also isn’t hotdogs and sausages basically considered offal? Use to turn my nose at blood pudding when i was younger but I crave it ever now and again. Tho I be lying if i said I would take it over a nice juicy slab of side bacon or canadian back bacon

    Like others have said some offal just has to be spiced and cooked right But keep that head cheese shite I see at the grocery store away from me, fucking nasty looking stuff

  23. I like offal but cheap it ain’t and, living in Leicester, almost every available butcher is halal and I’m not fucking touching that shit. As it is, I’m starting to believe that supermarket meat is too.

    • Try Lane’s the Pork Butchers in Kingy Rd, if they’re still going, tho I imagine pork offal could be a bit overpowering. Decades ago, used to go to their Anstey branch. There was a draper’s next door, that used to have a tea-towel in the window, bearing the legend “My get up and go has gone and went.”
      I often wondered if that was Anstey’s motto… It looked like the sort of place that Vince Cable would retire to.

  24. I used to love fried liver & kidneys me. Can’t be arsed these days. May go back to them after our lilly-livered MPs have caved in and vote May’s Brexit deal through on the third /fourth /fifth attempt, and there’s nothing else left to eat.

    • RTC, if they don’t back Mavis’s deal and we get no deal we are all going to starve if we survive the riots.

        • I’ve been eyeing up my next door neighbour’s wife for some time now. She’s Nipponese you know, very healthy eating apparently…

  25. Gently fried Lambs Kidney’s , with butter, and served with a mustard sauce. Delicious. A sunday breakfast treat.

  26. Ayran is good with Rize çay for a breakfast of mercimek çorbası and beyaz peynir/domates/sakatlık, and even better with a nice, decently-spicy Adana kebabı and lahmacun for lunch. Always ask for extra maydonoz and limon with lahmacun/karışık pide.

    Yeni raki (the TEKEL or “state-sponsored” one) a-plenty for dinner, preferably with meze¹, kalkan, barbunya, and imam bayıldı for me.

    ¹make sure good broad bean fava is included in the evening’s hors d’oevres (or go elsewhere), and always demand kırmızı pul biber and a big bowl of esme on the side.

    • At first glance I saw ‘Aryan’ and wondered where you were heading with this!

      • Die Juden, sie müssen büßen….

        [der Herr Bausum, RIP, Rodheim vdH]
        RIP, as I offed the worthless, friendless and disgusting racist knobend some years after I met the utter Nazi cunt.

        That was a story. RIP der Bausum, Du auch hast schon mal gebüßt, Du Arschloch der Bausum!

        Kannst Du mir einen ‘runterholen, Du unverschämste Schnecke

  27. Those same cunts bitching about the cost of real food wouldn’t even know what to do with it if they got it free. If it’s not 1-step ([microwave] oven) or procured via drive-thru, it’s a mystery. And so we’ve become a culture of Type 2 diabetic lard asses with hypertension and array of other marvelous health problems.

  28. I used to have plenty of this stuff as a kid, as my father liked it, so we all had to, or go hungry. None of this making different stuff for the kids, or takeaway crap. It’s only since growing up that I haven’t eaten it, only the occasional faggots and peas.

  29. I used to have Chitterlings with my grandad many moons ago, tripe as well. He never got diabetes or grew tits. I’d like to round some vegetarians up at gunpoint and give them a choice eat the offal, or bite the bullet you fucking weird cunts.

  30. After a few beers I used to enjoy sliced grilled faggots on toast, but homophobic cannibalism seems to have gone out of fashion, so now I just make do witth a pickled liver!

  31. Remember when you used to get a bit of kidney in a proper pork chop?

    It was the best bit.

    Thanks again you EU cunts!

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