I would like to nominate for a colossal cunting – that most eminent of cunts; the purpose-built, piss-kettle known as the supermarket.

There are so very many things wrong about this most unpleasant cunt of an experience that it only seems proper to begin where they all begin…….. the car park!

Upon entry into said park of cars, it would seem that most people (mainly in vagina-powered cars I hasten to add) lose any minor semblance of driving aptitude they may have possessed prior to crossing that threshold. White lines painted onto the asphalt to denote who does and doesn’t have right of way at a junction?……….. No it’s okay, you just drive right over them with no glance left or right and give a filthy look to the guy who just had to slam on his brakes, narrowly miss you and honk his fucking horn.

On a particularly busy day, it may be difficult to find a space that isn’t either narrow as fuck on account of the knobhead with the wide-as-balls, 16 plate range rover or the prick who just parks over the line so you can’t quite fit into the space without having to escape through the fucking sunroof (a thing for which my wheelie-shed KIA is sadly deficient).

Then there is the usual time spent waiting for some doddery, old twat to reverse out of a space which would have been safer to reverse INTO! Yes dickhead! It’s quicker and safer to reverse in and drive out you dumb fuck! You have better visibility driving forward out of a space!

Then when you do finally find a space in the MIDDLE of the car park right next to one of those perspex trolley parks (these spaces tend to be a little narrower), upon reversing into the space, what do you see in your rear view mirror but a fucking trolley?!……. you fucking lazy CUNTS! You are right next to the trolley park! And don’t play the disabled card with me – the disabled spaces are up at the front of the shop near the front door…… right next to the main trolley park. You are just a selfish, lazy fuck.

Okay so we finally reach the Mordor…….. I mean……. the front door. This part of the shopping experience is reminiscent of a scene from George.A.Romero’s Dawn of the dead wherein the living dead patrons are so keen to get into the establishment to forage for goodies but aren’t apparently in any great rush to reach said goodies. What you are met with is a slow-moving, ignorant cunt with no self awareness, peripheral vision or consideration for others.

This phenomenon doesn’t stop here however; it continues throughout the store. Need to walk down an aisle merely to reach something at the other end? Well expect the gormless bell-end walking down the middle of the aisle (with no hearing skills, peripheral vision or spacial awareness) to just stop out of the blue and force you to stand there like a cunt while it remembers where it kept it’s brain.

Maybe you want to get something from the small, narrow, reduced-to-clear section in the chilled department? Just wait a while so the selfish, greedy, middle-aged bint stands right in front of, and hogs the entire section so that you can’t even slot into one side to take a close look at what is there.

When you do finally reach the check-outs however, it’s either a long as fuck queue behind some dopey Cyril or Doris chatting with the equally old and slow-at-packing till-mong called Geoffrey or it’s a trip to the “express”, self-service tills – righto……… self-service tills it is then.

Now you have to go through the humiliation of putting your multiple bottles of beer through the scanner, only to be met with the deafeningly loud “APPROVAL NEEDED, APPROVAL NEEDED, APPROVAL NEEDED”…….. for every fucking bottel! ……….. all the while, the same breed of ignorant, old and middle-aged women you just tried to traverse and avoid are staring at you with utter contempt like you are some kind of scumfuck………… Yeah I have a drink problem, go fuck yourself! No-one else will you old hag!.

So when the creature allegedly manning the self-service tills eventually does come and give approval for the booze, they generally don’t even look at you anyway which makes me wonder why I waited in the first place – I’m a grownup, I can approve myself.

Finally there is the usual attempt to get out of the place behind, once again, some dippy old couple or some fat, smelly couple. Either way, I am glad to be out of there without any kind of criminal record. Please fellow cunters, reassure me that I’m not just some cantankerous, curmudgeonly misanthrope and that supermarkets and those who dwell within are actually cunts?!

Nominated by Two In The Stink

160 thoughts on “Supermarkets

  1. Fucking cunts in supermarkets who stand blocking the isles while gossiping and spouting blabbering crap, and it’s always wimmin…. They are utter cunts… Other cunts are daft slags who also block and hinder every fucker while pushing their latest jelly baby (all different colours, you see) with one hand while gawping at their phone with the other… And said jelly baby/brat also has a fucking phone and is chomping on ‘Maccy Dees’… As Partridge once said, ‘Scum… Subhuman scum…’

      • I’m afraid I have to confirm Tesco & Morrison’s are hotspots.

        Infact Co-Ops, Spar’s, Maid Marian’s, Keystores are easier to negotiate your way around than these big five pisspots.

        • No problem in Portuguese Supermarkets, though the only UK one we have is Iceland, called Overseas Supermarket here. I always go to the Portuguese equivalent of Tesco’s, called Continente. I only do that so I can call my friends and say “I am in Continente l!”

      • No, it’s all, sadly and M&S takes the fuckin arse-biscuit, because the dozy munters clogging the place up like chip-fat in the arteries seem to think they are oh-so superior to anyone else.
        I worked in there one Christmas…
        Oh Jeez.

    • How did my convenience shop cunting end up in cunt 101 it was as worthy as supermarkets?!

      I agree with the cunting however, the ending of the hurt locker best encapsulates the cuntitude of “the mall” with the 738 types of cereal to choose from, and that’s just the rice crispy brands

      Nothing succeeds like excess. If you’re a fat yank

      PS lick my balls admin cunters!!

      • Don’t be a cunt 😀
        Read the way it works at the top the , er, nominations page. I expect it’s been queued then removed. Rather like it says in the instructions …?

    • Dont forget the adverts – you forgot the adverts. John Lewis freaky black kid with freaky underbed mate. They usually wait until their first spell inside before fucking the black thing in the bottom bunk. Marks and Sparks – even the Pirelli calendar isn’t safe – its 12 jungle bunnies with unpronounceable names. GQ are cunts too as are Vogue and any periodical who feels it necessary to promote a coon because its “in” – a bit like the spate of women carrying dogs around in their Gucci bags. In fact I want to cunt the whole “sleb” fucking world – including those Dimbledumb ABBC brothers. Does anyone actually pay the licence fee anymore? I am avoiding ABBC like a paki avoiding soap. The whole cuntishness of “blacks in need” is making me gag!!

  2. And when there’s a whopping queue and a new checkout opens… The cunts who are at the back never say to anyone in front of them ‘You were here before me, go ahead’, they just jump the queue and go first on the newly opened till…. Saw a young(ish) couple do it to an old lady the other week… The old dear was well in front of them, but the cunts just darted to the newly opened checkout and didn’t give a fuck as long as they got served…Total fucking scum and human vermin…

    • Then they take a year to yabba-yabba packing their shit, find their purse, rummage thru their credit cards, forget their pins, have their payment rejected, yabba-yabba endlessly on and on and on long after the transaction is complete…then muscle back in when they realise they hadn’t used their fucking loyalty card – Cunts!!!!

      • And the Pakis that take out the bankcard before the thing has fucking processed in the machine… The thick fuckers just put in their pin number (sometimes they do that wrong! Three or five numbers, but never four!), and when they put the right pin in the twats pull it out before a receipt can be printed and the payment processed… Thus fucking up the checkout’s card machine and making more work for staff and management and antagonising other customers… My cousin who manages a department store has had experience of these cunts… Usually the same peaceful types (usually wimmin again) who brazenly open and paw everything, haggle over even the cheapest items (‘I give you one pound!’ etc) and who ‘No speaky Engerlish!’ Cunts!

        • These cunts like to think they are at the forefront of technology with their shopping mall mobile accessory stalls, vaporizer and phone / computer repair shops where the cunts use YouTube, online forums and how to fix it websites and friends & famileeeeee as they really know fuck all.

          We are led to believe these cunts are smart too by “large retail park electrical goods sellers” who use them in their TV adverts. However in store experience tells me they are stupid thick cunts!

          Its a PC world indeed, however these peaceful cunts will never “help me get it right!”

      • …. and not to forget the ‘discount coupons’. Naturally you try to dip into the checkout behind the shopper with the least items left to get checked through. You eye up the other till that you might have used but chose not to … after all, this one must be quicker. Like Fuck … it comes to pay and Mrs. ( it’s always a Mrs., sorry, but I’ve yet to see a bloke use discount coupons) … she wants to pay by card, and use her coupons … and the booze her old man shouldn’t know about, on a seperate receipt, she’ll pay cash for that. Unbe-fucking-leviable ….. you want to burst into tears … and the till you didn’t chose has just served three more customers.

      • And the woman on the till at M&S today was…
        A peaceful, who wiped her paw up the whole length of her snout whilst serving the woman in front.
        Surely, when Allan of the Great Snackbar decreed that they must wear rags upon their heads, they could surely use them for the hygienic collection of nasal debris?
        Dirty fuckin cunt, she was.

    • I was stuck behind an old cunt yesterday with my four items to her fifty odd.

      Just coz of that bitch, i am never letting any cunt go ahead in front again.

      She also took forever packing her shite that i had to get my four items handed over the back of the checkout.
      If i had more than four I’d have needed space to bag up my shite but this old cunt wasn’t moving for no cunt.

      There should be mobility tests for pensioners. If they can get through a day without upsetting yer average cunt like me, then carry on living. If not, here, take this pill and sit on the cliffs of Dover.

        • We could make up a rota and have day trips to the cliffs to relieve our inner cuntred helping them find their way forward in life.

    • Don’t get me started on those cunts! I could somewhat understand if they came from Eastern Europe or some third world shit hole but when it’s some cunt who obviously has at least 15 generations of direct British lineage it really boils the piss.

      Queuing is a British pass time (albeit one we despise) but we do it because we have to and we do it in a respectful manner due to being an empathetic people – “Be unto others as you would have them be unto you” ~ Jesus, Golden Rule………… or was it Confucius? No matter, either way they are cunts.

  3. My favourite is the cunt at the checkouts who takes forever and doesn’t start looking for their purse until everything is packed. This even though they have been stood in the queue for 10 minutes with fuck all else to do.
    Then there are the cunts who block the aisles and or the shelves as they dodder about. And a special mention for the cunts on their electric go-karts.
    Add in the free for all car-boot sale in the central aisles of Lidl/Aldi and their habit of leaving pallets on the floor, then you have the perfect shopping ‘experience’ as cunts call it.

    • I’m less bothered by the cunt who lets minimum wage employee Johnny No-Stars pack her shopping and THEN spends 2 minutes titting about looking for her purse and THEN another 2 minutes finding exact change.

      I’m more bothered by the inbred, hunch-backed, dopey, young lad called Dominic who takes ages scanning all of your items………. THEN packs them………… THEN takes payment!!! (Yes, this has happened to me, by the same inbred cunt, on numerous occasions) Some people apparently haven’t heard of the words “perform tasks concurrently”.

  4. TITS (see what I did there): I think many – not on this illustrious website I’m sure – give misanthropy a bad name. Fact is, if people were generally kind, considerate, courteous and respectful, people like us wouldn’t hate humanity quite so much.

    Good cunting, though I had to look up “Mordor” if I’m honest. You’re right about the narrow and almost completely unnavigable car parks. Was back in the UK on a little vaca recently and was amazed by the cuntitude of the car park at 3 different Tescos I happened to visit (I needed to feed my BBQ beef Hula Hoop habit while I had the chance – don’t judge me). Yank “grocery store” car parks (“parking lots”) are more generous mainly to accommodate your average enormously fat Yank and their oversized tank like vehicles. But I digress. Trolley (“shopping cart”) control is a major problem in both countries. Whenever I’m cut up, banged into, have to deal with the sudden mid-aisle emergency stop, I always remark, “Tell me you don’t drive a car”. The looks I get – priceless.

    However, the one thing which evaporates my urine more than anything else is how the grocery run to the local supermarket is seen as a opportunity for a family trip out. With a list comprised of 450,000 items, mum, dad and all 5 kids shuffle off down the supermarket and just cause havoc. They clog up the aisles with those stupid fucking trolleys converted into a play car or bus or some other fuckwitted bullshit. They always have at least one screaming baby, while the other kids run rampant with fingers in everything. And their piece de resistance, taking some product off the shelf (sweets or crisps or something), opening it and giving it to one of their fucking kids to shut it up. In my day, that would be called shoplifting/theft.

    Tip to parents. If there are two of you, make a list and ONE of you do the grocery shopping while the other one stays at home and minds your revolting offspring. If there is only one parent, use some of your government handouts to pay to have your groceries delivered. Bottom line – STOP clogging up the fucking supermarkets with your entire fucking family. Cunts!

    • I say “Do unto others as they would do unto you…but do it first.”

      And IKEA is such a total cunt, I’m surprised it isn’t owned by that beardy Branston cunt of Virmin fame.
      The place actually ENCOURAGES sperm of satan, to the extent that they have mini-trolleys.
      I would privatise all childcare, and put it in the hands of King Herod.

      • Haha! Good one, HBH.

        Many cunters are aware of my loathing of children. I don’t like them for many reasons. Their high pitched whiny voices, their hyper-activity, their constant need for attention, their piss poor behaviour in public, the list goes on. Fact is, if people want to have kids – fine. Hey parents, two things. First, keep them away from me or at the very least control them in public places to the extent you wouldn’t know they were there. Second, pay for the fuckers yourself and stop sponging off the rest of us to help pay for a decision which we weren’t consulted about nor have any interest in.

        I don’t do this often because you really have to choose your moment carefully, but when I see a kid on the rampage and obviously causing distress to many other people, I have been known to remark – in a voice loud enough for many to hear, “That’s why god invented pedophiles”. Some of the looks I get are beyond priceless. I don’t pull this stunt when dad is built like a brick shit house – for obvious reasons. I’m not that brave. 🙂

  5. Supermarkets should be closed down. You don’t know who in fuck has handled and poked and prodded the food on the shelves. Paki snot and greasy podgy gobs from obese slappers with bronchial disease. Oh yes, and the Tesco waddle, some fat slag over the handle of her trolley taking the weight off her fat carcass and pushing like a bloated toad with varicosed legs ffs.
    People shopping who are totally unaware that there is any fucker else in the universe, blocking aisles with their stupid blocking moves. Jeeez, I could go on for hours Just take me back to the old days where none of the above was evident. Close the fuckers!

    • No – the supermarkets should remain open. The scum ‘customers’ you cite need to be banned instead.

      Or better still, culled (in the most humane way possible, of course). Like what they did with the badgers…

      • …Why in the most humane way possible ?

        I’m no Howard Hughes when it comes to germ paranoia, but fuck me, everything that doesn’t come in packaging must be well washed before it goes near your mouth…. Just watch the great unwashed around the fruit and veg. I watched a young chav pair around ASDA not so long ago … early evening, you could just tell the cunts were not long out of their bed, she’s waddling round putting shit in the trolley, he’s behind, base ball cap back to front, puffa jacket, loose jogging bottoms and his hands down the front in amongst his knackers (which seems to be the want of many young ‘jack the lad’ of this day and age) … he’s strutting along behind her, picking up pretty much everything within reach and asking her .. ‘Do we need this…?’ … dirty, dirty Cunts.

        • Manky cunt doing that shit, i would have chinned the cunt accordingly. Never considered this one or seen it happen but its programmed in to memory now.

    • After landing at Gatwick a few weeks ago, Mrs Yank and I wanted to sit and relax for a while before having to deal with the rental car pickup hassle. As I queued up at the Costa coffee I was absolutely appalled by the behaviour of the foreign trash family in front of me. Some deviant Euro trash dad had 3 perhaps 4 brats with it, 2 of whom were picking up/throwing back down every single food package item they could get their hands on. While I was standing there, they must have touched something like 100+ packages, putting their Euro trash germs on everything. Utter cunts. Needless to say, Euro trash dad did nothing about it and seemed not the least bit concerned at his vermin kids’ antics or the fact someone who would subsequently buy any of those products might get sick from the germs put on the packaging by his family. It’s shit like this which makes me hate humanity. Absolute fucking cunts.

      • Rental car pick up hassle!

        Why didn’t you rent a BMW 5 series for £49 from SIXT and drive smug? Ha ha ha fuckin’ ha.

        • Good question, Bob.

          When you leave the country, your knowledge of stuff stays stuck in the year you left. In my head, the UK is still in 2001. Of course, for everyone who actually lives there day to day, their timeline moves forward, but mine is stuck in the past.

          My point is, I’d never heard of SIXT when I started looking for rental deals. All the usual suspects showed up, Hertz, Avis, Europcar, Budget, etc. plus a few I’d never heard of. I didn’t want to go with some 2 bit fly-by-night dodgy company so went with Europcar. To be fair, it was a decent price for a Golf and apart from a couldn’t-give-a-fuck piece of foreign trash who checked the car back in, they did OK.

          I wouldn’t drive a BMW on principle. BMW drivers have the same reputation over here in Yankland as they do in the UK. Audi drivers too. We have fuckwit ‘soccer moms’ driving around in mini-vans over here too. They’re a piss boiler as well. I should really get myself a pick up truck though. There appears to be no rules applied to driving a pick up truck since they do what they fucking like on the road and everyone else be damned. These people need maiming.

          • My post was a piss take on the Sixt advert and not a recommendation. My post would be lost on anyone who hasn’t seen their ads.

          • Ah. I have indeed not seen their ads. I’ll check YT. Sorry for going off on a tangent. Cheers Bob.

    • My mate works in Morrison’s in Gibraltar and says that 4×2″s come in just before closing and get most of their stuff brought from the back in factory packaging so no dirty hands have touched it.

      I don’t know if this is only a 4 × 2 thing, but that’s what happens there.

      • 4×2″….. Four by two’s?, eight?, eight inchers?, eight footers?….I’m trying but I think its maybe down to not being here for long. I know its gonna be a good ‘un though.

          • You’ve got to hand it to the 4×2’s though – they take their kosher shit seriously. Unlike Muzrats who talk about how dogs, pigs, christians and 4×2’s are filthy animals (just after wiping their arses with their LITERAL hands). Dirty muslim cunts.

          • Surprised, I thought they could make it through anything seeing they made it through the municipal showers laid on by the Germans and some of the dental fillings they donated made it into the Swiss banks. Strange how so many ended up running jewellery stores in GB when they had given theirs all away.

    • I used to work on a fruit and veg stall when I was 14-15 and believe me, when you’ve had all day to witness how many dirty Pakis have fingered the same fucking piece of food it’s enough to make you pine for hospital grub.

  6. The ASDA in Bury (near Manchester) is like a peaceful convention…With-a Pakis here, and a-Pakis there! Here-a-Pakis! There-a-Pakis! Everywhere-a-Pakis!

    • Here’s a tip Norm, if you want to get away from these cunts, go stand in the deodorant aisle.

    • Asda?? More like Asbo!!
      Normally shop in Sainsbury’s (crap) but was passing an Asda and so to miss the traffic I stupidly decided to pop in to pick up a few bits. The place was littered with mothers who all appeared to have multiple undisciplined offspring!! , 2 of these particularly annoying kids where have a trolley race thru the aisles as their fleece suited hatchet faced peroxide haired mothers had a conversation whilst laughing at their fuckin brats antics!! WTF….
      It was absolute bedlam!!
      From Aldi to marks they are full of cunts but as a previous poster said are a necessary evil……

      • Really ugly, fat and smelly slag with two children approaches Asda, cursing and swearing at her offspring. Security guy says ” Are they twins?. Fat slag says ” For fuck sake, the big one’s black and little one’s white. Why do you think they’re twins, ya cunt?” Guy says “Didn’t think anyone would fuck you twice”

      • Asda used to be a sure fire bet for fisticuffs over a shitty cheap sandwich maker on black Friday, never failed to draw in the dregs of society.

        Asda like many others deserves a cunting for their lies, claiming to know how tough things are these days and that they are on families sides saving them money…..You lying cunts and your roll back scheme is a load of lies too.

        Being able to buy two bottles of a 500ml product should never be miles cheaper than a litre, nor 2 x 1 litre bottles cheaper than buying a 2 litre bottle. You cunts know we all buy the big tomato ketchup & the crisp n dry cooking oil. This extends to items available by different weights as well.

        What shop sells seven, yes 7 different combinations of twix biscuit packs varying in price per finger so much?

        Your all cunts and lying fucks, the only help you want to give families is help to empty their bank accounts into your cash registers. Families are struggling and you rip every last drop of piss from them.

    • Fancy making a peaceful sing a long music album with all the famileeee favourites?

      Oh I do like to be beside the seaside.
      Oh I do like to be beside the sea.
      With a hammer in my hand.
      And a paki in the sand.
      Beside the seaside, beside the sea.

  7. Off point….
    Tonight’s one show is doing a Children in need special just in case you don’t think the 5 hr begathon is long enough!!
    Fill ya boots……. 😡😡😡

    • Great, I missed out last night and don’t know the phone number to get my urine extracted from me.

      Will set it on the planner before I cut my wrists, hopefully I will be drained out before they get the chance to drain my wallet.

  8. Today in a supermarket which will remain nameless, no it won’t it was Sainsbury’s, the self-checkout charged me full price for a reduced item. I called the fella over, explained the situation and he put his codes in and altered it. At least I thought he had.
    When I got home I checked the receipt and he hadn’t cancelled the original charge, so I paid for the damn thing twice. The moral of this story is – don’t trust any fucker.

    • Everybody needs to boycott these self service checkouts. They fuck you over whenever you have booze too.

      • Never used one. Don’t trust the cunts. Or myself to do it right. Heard they’re quite easy to dupe though.

        The wife uses them, so they must be rubbish.

      • and a right cunt when you buy booze.
        It bleeps inanely at me, and a toddler-in-uniform has to come over and tell it I’m legal to buy.
        I’m 55, ffs. And I’m feeling a right miserable old git tonight. Three weeks of arthritic knee, lack of beauty sleep and two cuntish constipations have really arsed me about.

    • Dude, you name is Allan and you are as tight as a 4×2. My dad is named Alan and he is both as tight as a 4×2 and has some 4×2-ish ancestry…………….. is that you Dad?

  9. My biggest gripe with Spanish supermarkets is that they never have a cold can of Pepsi for sale. All the fridges are cocacola and that tastes like fizzy piss.
    Obviously this is because the fridges are supplied by cocacola, so Pepsi, get yer finger out and send yer fridges world wide and rid us if cocacola and the twats that drink it. 🙂

    My Pepsi addiction maybe needs to be sorted.

    • The street vending machines were the same in Shagaluf.

      Maybe some government deal like Ireland has with cApple?

      I don’t drink any of that companies products anymore and I feel much healthier for it.

      Hidden artificial sweeteners ain’t to be trusted either, who knows what they actual do to you besides making a drink sweet?

      Yes, sugar is a cunt (including the apprentice cunt) but watch out for these artificial chemicals hitting the news in the future when new health problems are discovered. Artificial foods are a cunt with risks people need to be aware of.

    • Hey birdie – I’d be more concerned with your fizzy piss drinking habit. How else would you know what it tastes like? Just sayin’. 🙂

      On a more serious note, Mark Thomas wrote a jaw dropping book on the antics of the Coca Cola corporation. If anyone is interested, check out
      ‘Belching Out the Devil: Global Adventures with Coca-Cola’.

      • I need a book to drum it into Mrs Bob what a stupid cunt she is downing near two litres of the gut rot. I’m failing to get through and showing her what effect it had on rusty car parts and old copper coins did nowt either.

        No wonder her guts always ache.

        • Coca Cola fucks your bones, but it’s good for cleaning the bog.
          Which worries me a bit.

  10. As an essay in people watching, standing in line at the checkout behind the “fat family” is a life changing experience. It’s fucking fascinating, the garbage that they buy. There is a positive though, their life expectancy is in the low 40s.

      • Hey! That’s a bit of a generalisation isn’t it?! Some peacefuls are hugely overweight statistically.

        Just look at Palestinian women – they are well over their BMI on average, especially when you consider the fact they are suffering a genocide at the hands of the 4×2’s.

        I guess the Israelis are trying to genocide the Palestinians by overfeeding them to the point of exploding! (Suicide-bombing – another thing to blame on the 4×2’s).

      • Cos the nhs has to spend billions on treating the off spring of 1st cousin marriages. As this has been going on for hundreds of years the peaceful gene pool must be about the same size as the fucking Yeti’s. Going to Tesco very soon, expect the usual fuckfest though the season of goodwill (my arse) is almost upon us I am sure the fates will have a really fucking horrible shopping experience planned for me; only one plus very few peacefuls in these parts and I get on well with the East european contingent.

        • I’d rather stay in and watch children in need and shove wasps up my arse than go to Tesco and give that lying wanksock that is Dave Lewis any of my money to please his shareholders. He is the Philip Green of supermarkets and a cunt to boot.

        • I also have no problems with white wogs. They are generally not pussies like our own young people and aren’t generally muzrats either. They also integrate a lot better.

  11. Its the cunts just prior to Christmas day who have 10+ loaves of bread in their trolley but won’t have a bread bin or freezer large enough to house them.

    Why is it any other week they only have one or two of them?They are often not even fatties so I’m betting they end up in the bin eventually.

    I often comment loudly to her indoors, “Holy shit look at that, Jesus only needed fucking five of them, must have some size of a family (unless they are peacefuls of course).

    Or is there some “Oh, we’ve got loads of bread” one upmanship that exists at this time of year?

    • True story: One Christmas there was the usual run on bread in the local Tescos. There was apparently (I wasn’t there so didn’t see this first hand) only 1 or 2 loaves left which were snagged by cunt #1, just as cunt #2 was reaching for them. So the story goes, cunt #1 and cunt #2 got into it big style. Blood and plod were on the scene and both were arrested.

      Stand up full on fist fight over some bread! Jam doughnuts I’d understand, even custard tarts, but bread FFS! You’d like to think there was more to this, but these days who knows?

      • Ah yes but did this happen in America and were they fat, hungry cunts? If so, I can see how it happened (if not necessarily why it happened.).

        I’m guessing that they were Doomsday preppers and were larping in preparation for the day that they would have to, one day, kill some cunt for a loaf of bread.

        • Nope, it was the Tesco in Uckfield, East Sussex. If it had happened in America, you know there’d have been a mass shooting.

          Oddly enough, I do now recall an incident a couple of years ago where shots were fired over the last discount telly at a Walmart on Black Friday. Don’t remember if anyone died. Hopefully so. Attention Walmart shoppers – bullet proof vests, aisle 7, ammunition and firearms aisle 8.

      • I’d imagine the loaves left would have been the brands that no cunt really wanted and the end of the packaging burst open, contents hanging out like Katie Price and I don’t mean multigrains that are actually reported to be good for you.

        • Why is Christmas / New Year shopping like some pre-armageddon thing ?
          The shops (greedy bastards) won’t be closed for more than about two days, yet people but gallons of milk, tons of ordinary shite…


  12. UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA Is enough to make me want to go on an Isis style rampage every time I go to the supermarket. It’s constant.

    Also the masses upon masses of EMPTY disabled spaces around the shop, making me park about half a mile from away. Not that I can park anyway coz I drive a van, and try getting that into a space that’s barely big enough for a Ford fiesta.
    I still manage it but it’s a right cunt.

    And why don’t they put bags on the self service checkouts anymore. Fuckin drives me nuts. End up stood there like a bell end, waiting to get noticed by some dumb twat that’s got 10 other checkouts to run. Then they look at me like I’m a cunt coz I don’t walk around with fucking carrier bags in my pockets.

    Excellent cunting dude. Supermarkets are indeed a monumental cunt.

    • Where you been Deploy? Mars? Bags ain’t bin free for fucking yonks – 5p a go now! Sainsbury’s are very nice though – when your old bag wears out, if you ask nicely they’ll give you another one FREE! I’m on my third now…

    • Makes me piss, too…Unexpected item in bagging area.
      Next time I’m in Sainsbury’s, I might bring a little joy to their lives by leaving behind a few pounds of pig’s entrails.

      There’s something a bit Rendlesham Forest / Area 51 about the “unexpected” element.
      Perhaps if we have any general surgeons on the site, an unwanted cancerous mammary gland might make the local papers…

  13. I fucking hate supermarkets with a passion.

    Here are some more of the things that piss me off.

    Having to pay a pound to get a trolley, fuck off cunts I don’t always have a pound and if you dare to ask at “Customer Information” for a pound you’ll be treated like a cunt.

    The stupid things they put on spirit bottles that the old codgers on the tills can never seem to remove, “Can someone get this off for me” they yell highlighting my alcohol problem to the whole fucking supermarket.

    The Cafes joined onto supermarkets are always full of old coffin dodgers and strange mothers with unnecessarily ugly children eating congealed crap heated up from the supermarket shelves.

    The queue of chavs and other mongs who loiter at the chicken nugget place salivating at the hideously smelly rotating chickens.

    People who pick up a pack of frozen fish fingers and then decide to dump them in the washing powder section. Listen, just walk fifty yards and put it back you lazy cunts.

    Paying with cash? well expect to be judged as the brain dead checkout girl feeds your notes into some sort of note checking contraption while looking you up and down like a chuck of shit.

    The auto tills are fucking cramped, used by cunts and staffed by cunts.

    Other things are people trying to pack your shit (badly) and at the same time extort money from you for some cluster fuck like Grenfell. Chuggers near the entrance and exit and kids screaming at the top of their disgusting little voices.

    All in all…I fucking hate the places.

    • Those defrosted fish fingers will be put back later and refroze for some mug.

      I always dig deep for frozen or chilled goods for this reason. Never take from the top or front. Supermarkets also stack chilled goods more items high than specified meaning some aren’t properly chilled too. Especially cheap deal promo spots.

      • Mate I used to work at Iceland years ago and trust me, they do the same with frozen goods (Yes it was years ago but Iceland has never heard of the theory of evolution).

  14. Our Poundshop had the bright idea of going self-check only. It was fucking gridlock. We bought about 20 items and I reckon the girl had to come and do that cardy thing they do on 15 of the 20. Multiply that by 8 and it’s M25. Thankfully they abandoned the project.

  15. You guys need to try shopping in a ‘farm foods’ store.
    Jeeeeze! It makes iceland look like harrods.
    EVERY cuntomer is wide enough to block an aisle. Most of them have dole poles or shop mobility scooters. Most of them try counting the exact money despite their inability to count and their inability to focus their diabetic ridden eyes on the individual pennies. The place smells of fucking leprosy. It’s like a charity shop for sugary food.
    Anyway, shopping in there sharpens your shopper ruthlessness. I now deliberately take my children shopping because:
    A) it gives me a reason to confront people about parking in my parent and child space
    B) i can encourage them to endlessly shout at the top of their voices
    C) i can make my kids happy but piss everyone off by sending my trolley spinning out of control down each aisle, and
    D) rely on my kids to upset everyone in the queue.
    Supermarkets are my opportunity to hate humanity even more than normal.

    • You don’t happen to live in Ipswich do you Cuntflap?

      I used to think voting Tory was enough to show my hatred of humanity, but you take it to a whole new level!

    • Sounds like Kings Lynn to me.

      The BBC could have saved a fortune on sets, costumes and make up etc when filming ‘Walking with Cavemen’ by just filming in Kings Lynn on benefits day.

  16. Ever had the ‘oh I forgot something’ routine from the cunt in front of you at the checkout? They then disappear back into the store, thus holding you and everyone else up and seem to think that’s OK. NO! You forgot something, then tough. Checkout now, park your groceries, go find what your thick brain forgot to buy, queue up again and get the fuck out of my life. Utter bottom feeding scum sucking shit-for-brains cunty wank stains.

    • I usually realise that I forgot something whilst my stuff is getting scanned at the start of my shopping load, at which point I Usain Bolt that shit there and back, knocking cunts out of the way (who are blocking the aisle anyway so I’m not really being impolite) then return to the conveyer belt before last item goes beep……… perks of being an ex-squaddie with good lungs I suppose.

    • You should try Swiss supermarkets.
      It seems normal to pick up a basket, go and put it in the queue, THEN go off for hours, to shop for absolutely bloody everything.
      I kicked somebody’s basket out of the way once, and she whinged.
      I told her that I queue behind people, not baskets. Puce-faced old bat got quite stroppy…

  17. After the Krypton Factor trial of actually getting what you want, the checkout is the piece de resistance of cuntdom.

    Nearly always a doddering oxygen thief who since entering the supermarket has forgotten who they are, where they are and what they came in for until the cashier utters “and how’s the family”?. Nooooooo, this is a green light for regaling them with tales of grandkids, pets, their various operations and the fucking weather, I’m expecting Michael Aspel to pop from behind the Lotto kiosk his big red book from an impromptu This is Your Life.

    • Even worse are those 18 year old lads with late-developing social skills who work on the tills and try to be talkative/witty whilst coming across like precocious 18 year old chin-beards with a long way to go.

      Stop trying to chat up older women, stop trying to be all nicey nicey and just serve people quickly whilst being aware of the passage of time you fuckwit! (this is kind of projection as that was me when I was me 17 years ago working in Iceland).

      • You’ve got me wondering if I could move into this role for the increased milf-otunities, though Weinstein and the shit bomb that followed will close this pulling opportunity.

        Emergency Weinstein style cunting for Jensen Button who I just seen run up behind a tubby chicaboo and give her a good fondling.

        It was captured on television (being an advert for a Spick cunty bank) but the fact I was blinded by her pearlies in the process would stand as evidence she enjoyed the moment. Bet the Grenfellian tries a claim on him.

      • Had one of these on a gin-tasting stall in local John Lewis today.
        The little poove kept screeching out
        “Do you know how to taste gin properly?”
        Pretentious ??
        I nearly told him that when I was born, they had to pull a slice of lemon and an olive from my gullet, and give me some tonic water to keep me happy.

  18. With Christmas fast approaching and falling on a Monday may a fucking pox befall all those thick fucks who race around the supermarket under the belief that Christmas will be ruined unless they have an extra brandy sauce tetrapak of those under the belief the place will never ever open again.
    Mongs and Flids the lot of them.
    3.30pm on the 24th December will see hell appearing on earth.

  19. But Christmas adverts (which will get a separate cunting), Sainsburys is best because it’s got Kermit in it, enough said.

    • Saw a McCains advert, think it was roast potatoes and they have caved in big time. They rarely advertise from what I’ve seen and they stick two up to Great Britain immediately.

      They should have spent the time & money looking for little Maddie, though I’m sure they know already. One day someone will modify a metal detector to detect Calpol and other non over the counter sedatives and uncover the evidence to convict these circus clowns.

  20. Help! That cunt Tusk has just committed a hate crime right here in the sanctuary of my living room! The cunt appeared out of nowhere – totally threw me in mid Jaffa cake!

    Like a broken record, the cunt was back demanding YET MORE money with menaces…The wife will not be happy when she sees the state of the carpet…

    • Yea and that weak cunt treeza will pay it too.
      Just for the honour of being allowed to ask why they won’t give us a trade deal.

      • TM: Why won’t you give us a trade deal?
        EU: You give us €40billion and I tell you.
        TM: Sounds like a bargain, what’s the answer?
        EU: Because Brexit – very bad country, must be punished!
        TM: Is there any way we can get a trade deal?
        EU: Another €100billion might help grease wheels…

    • Was Pudsey “Gimme your money, cunt!” Bear modelled on Tusk, I wonder ?
      I was yelling at the screen today, telling Junckunt to fuck off and die.

    • That guy pushing his old hoe aboard the trolley could have put that shit in a small basket.

      Gotta laugh at the old bitch with the “heading south tucky in tits”, how does that shit materialise? Reminds me of when we filled crisp packets with water for bombs at primary school playtime.

  21. Sorry to move away from the subject Cunters but that bog eyed corrupt Polak Donald Tusk has given Us 2 weeks to stump up more cash before talks can go ahead on trade. Why oh why don’t they tell the cunting Polak he can shove it up his East European arse sideways and fuck off ????

    • Agree FF. We are a net contributor to the cunts. Just walk away, slap a 40% tariff on German cars, and wait to see what happens.

      • Absolutely CNR. The boss of Weatherspoons said we should walk away without a deal because we can then deal with the rest of the world that the eu slap Tarrifs on

      • Trump threatened Toyota iirc who were leaving USA for Mexico. Told them people in the USA wouldn’t be buying their cars as he would make Toyota’s more expensive to buy than prestigious brands.

        Next thing Toyota stays in USA and announces plans for state of the art manufacturing facility.

        We need to start playing hardball and prevent a mugging that takes GB at least twenty years to recover from. We hold as many cards as them if not more.

        The remoaners are a big factor in us getting a shit deal offered instead of getting behind negotiations to secure a good deal that works for us and the EU.

        The EU also think we are weak as the country is divided and remoaners making more noise than the leavers.

        However, the democratic decision was made, we voted and we are leaving and the remain option is gone. Move on time.

  22. Many years ago (whilst Kwiksave was still around) I wrote this:

    Isn’t it wonderful, standing in queues ?
    Wasting your life at the till ?
    Standing at Kwikkies, whilst numerous thickies
    Are trying to tot-up their bill ?

    Isn’t it marvellous, shifting from left foot
    To right foot, whilst quietly seething ?
    Pillocks around you amaze and astound you
    (With) how they’ve the sense to keep breathing.

    How is it credible everyone takes it
    Impassively… come let us wonder
    What are we doing, incessantly queueing
    Instead of just venting our thunder ?

    Out with the coupons and in with the vouchers
    For tuppence, or ha’penny less
    Well may I remind you that WE are behind you –
    In varying states of distress.

    The manager’s crafty, with one till, not daft, he
    Is saving a fortune – How cunning !
    But listen – Come off it – To FUCK with your profit
    Just get some more tills up and running.

    Seems nowt has changed since 1995

  23. Are you using your own bag – press button YES ! Start using their bags the fuckin computer doesnt know you lied !
    Unexpected item in bagging area dont scan item put in bag lift said item out put back amonst items – said mongo comes along puts in code ! Lift item from others and put in bag – Alls good free item !!!!- just saying !!!!!!

    • And put grapes through as onions.
      Pretty much put anything through as onions.
      Even large packs of beer.
      Actually, why pay for them at all?
      A slab of stella fits neatly underneath a pram.

    • Wow is it bad there now?

      Trust that E.A bitch Lees to take em all in, though they get brownie points / paid to “accept them”.

      Nothing like sticking two up to the mining communities fucked over the years.

  24. Morrisons
    12×330 cans of stella
    12×440 cans of STRONGBOW
    Etc etc
    Fosters , john smiths even tennents
    Fill your boots *

    *drink responsibly ( aye fuckin right )
    Daft greedy immoral CUNTS
    ( every single one of them )

  25. Without wishing to be hypocritical ( which i am cause am a cunt like) but …… £7 for 10 cans of john smiths
    Now personally speaking i wouldnt wash my baws wae john smiths but for £7 i too can have a hoppy smelling scrotum !!!!

  26. Apparently certain gaytards on Twatter are in a frenzy because Lily Mong’s album is about to ‘drop’ soon…

    Wonder what’s it going to be called? “Waiting For The Cum”?

  27. More news… Multiple women have accused Ron Jeremy of sexual assault dating back more than 30 years ….

    Yeah, and millions of cunts have watched it…

  28. What is this ‘shopping’ thing spoke about on here?

    My butler caters for all my grocery, toiletry and haberdashery needs. It simply isn’t on mixing with hoi polloi in these truly ghastly establishments.

  29. Debenhams are a cunt.

    Just caught there oh so PC xmas add where black boy meets white girl on train.

    Wonder if next year she will be stuck at home with her kid as he has fucked off and left her to go play gangsta on the council est.

    • Sly TV™ are cunts, just saw their advert for their Sly Cinema™ Christmas season and guess what? The douche bags sneaked a peaceful just to keep everyone “happy”.

      So they watch our Christmas fucking films now too while they wait on the turkeys next basting session?…Cuuuuuuuuunts!

  30. To continue with the above Alan Partridge analogy…as I too “hate the general public”, I’ve started doing my shopping at 11pm or even 1am and can thoroughly recommend it. The absolute bare minimum of twats, mongs and spastics. And sonetimes it’s so rmpty that you can pretend that the zombie apocalypse is ocurring and that you now live in the supermarket.

    • Problem with 1am shopping is you then have the roll pallets blocking your way and the shelves. You can’t move them for all the cardboard they leave on the floor as they unpack the stuff.

      You also often have self service only which I don’t use though they will open a checkout if you threaten to walk out and leave a trolley full for them to put back.

  31. Filthy peaceful cunts running a bakery have been fined £152k for being found out mashing spuds with a dirty tennis racquet.

    Good job the inspectors didn’t take swabs from their hands as they would have undoubtedly wiped their arses with their bare hands in between mashing said spuds with the racquet, gobbing in the dough and bobbing up and down on their filthy little mats.

    Dirty little skidmarks.

    • Wonder if that will make Sly News™ or the ABBC?

      They should all get 28 days for that, during which they should be force fed pig shit and pig piss for hydration as we wouldn’t want them to die of thirst before they get beaten to death with the biggest ever ham shank.

  32. Fucking hate supermarkets, full of chavs and low life scum. I was in one recently and there was this window licker taking a dump next to the veg counter , the carers put a curtain round him to save his modesty. I just wanted to give the filthy cunt a kicking

  33. Well I thought I’d avoided the lot of it until I went downstairs forra coffee and the Mrs had Children Indeed on in the kitchen.

    What happened to £2 quid or a fiver? Only text options being offered are £10 quid or £20 quid!?! Cheeky cunts!

    It’s a moot point because the cunts aren’t even going to get the ‘T’ of text off me let alone £2, £5, £10 or £20!

    The Mrs says I’m heartless, I think I’m honest as opposed to cunts wi’ summat to push like Michael Ball and Alfie Boe offering their time “free of charge” who – purely coincidental I’m sure – also have a new album out (hoping for the big Xmas sales push).

    Ok, fine, feel free to do your bit for Children Indeed but why do it together? Oh that’s right because the album is both of you together. No doubt an LP that only the deaf can appreciate!

    Fucking shills!

    • And that Furby in a Ramones wig, Claudia Winklecunt, has hogged tonight’s ‘Transbenders and men rapeugees posing as children in need’… And that’s enough to put anybody off…

      And that tuneless gargoyle, Sheeran has probably appeared on it, to prove what a ‘nice guy’ he is…. Oh wait, the talentless ginger gremlin fucked his arm up, didn’t he?… Oh dear, how sad, never fucking mind…

      • Dunno mate but I caught Sam Smith caterwauling before I left the kitchen.

        I always thought he looked a bit chumly but he was skinny as a lath tonight.

        Gym work or ADIS – don’t die of dyslexia??

        His voice was the same though – could peel the varnish off a Georgian mantlepiece!

  34. I’ve only just got on IsAC tonight and after venting my spleen on the greedy Children Indeed cunts I went back and re-read the original cunting.

    Fine work and I couldn’t agree more more Two In The Stink!

    Don’t forget the wannabe SAS team know as security! I don’t know why, or what it is but in one “Super” store (an oxymoron) when I leave there I have a 1:2 chance of setting off the alarm when exiting.

    I’m sure that’s because I usually have a wee single malt in there every other visit and the placcy security tab hasn’t been properly deactivated by the inept Tracey on the checkout – more concerned at staring at her TwitBook status than serving paying customers!

    So then you have to go through the indignation of cunts who can barely read checking to make sure you’re not trying to pull a fast one.

    And do they check the big ticket items like the whiskey and a couple of BlueRays no, it’s the lot. “No Mr Security Plum I can assure you that those jam rags are for the Mrs and what kind of a tea leaf would I be to nick them when – see here – there’s a ‘neck end’ of £30 quid single malt in there. Could that be it (again)?”

    Meanwhile there’s a brace of “inits” and “dindos” who went in thinner than Haile Gebrselassie but who exit fatter than Barry White with the extra padding in their jackets!

    O’course they avoid those cunts like Ebola for fear of being branded racist (pronounced “rass-eest”) Vs some poor paying cunt, who’s blown the neck-end of two-hundred knicker to return to nest of vultures waiting at home. A cunt like me!

    By the time I get away from the fucking place it’s a wonder I don’t neck the troublesome single malt in one!

    Fucking cunts!

  35. Was Pudsey “Gimme your money, cunt!” Bear modelled on Tusk, I wonder ?
    I was yelling at the screen today, telling Junckunt to fuck off and die.

  36. The cunts who park over the lines are complete cunts. Hi f I had a bazooka I’d blow the fuckers vehicle into oblivion. Mind you, there should be a legal minimum width for car park car spaces, these cunting organisations want to cram as many vehicles as possible into their car park parks, to the extent that some parking spaces are only suitable for a fucking pushbike. Twats.

  37. supermarkets are full of cunts but the express till or free stuff as i call it is brilliant though for some reason theres always some stupid cunt with a fucking trolley with about 3 months fucking shopping in it that never knows what to fucking do
    its simple you cunt scan ( or dont nudge nudge wink wink ) pay and fuck off what part of express do you not understand you worthless cunt

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