El cactus de las pesadillas.

The garden at Casa Cunter is tended to by Mrs Cunter.
Unfortunately, her enthusiasm is not backed up with any skill whatsoever.

A neighbour dropped by and gave us a small cactus in a pot.
The wife put it on a table on the terrace.

It looked like an underdeveloped but nevertheless erect cock.
I suggested that it was Pákí size, but Mrs Cunter corrected me by saying that it was bigger, more like Jap dimensions.
She has obviously been online for advice.

She thought that it looked amusing on the table.

In only a few short weeks the cactus had doubled in size and even grown what could be described as a bell end.

Even more amusement for her.
She took selfies with the rude cactus and sent them to her friends.

About a month later and with more growth she decided to plant the cactus in the ground.
It already had evil spikes so she wrapped it up in wads of newspaper and wore thick gardening gloves.

Now I always thought that cacti were slow growing, but this fucker was the exception to the rule.

She still thought it was funny to have a one and a half meter cock growing in the garden.

Tiny side shoots appeared but these soon developed into what looked like arms.
The ‘bell end’ had swollen into a head shape.

Mrs Cunter started to take a dislike to the plant. Possibly because it no longer resembled a huge cock.

She started to call it “That fucking thing”.

Within a year of getting the cactus and with it now at over 2 meters tall she decided that “The fucking thing” had to go.

Easier said than done.

You can’t just pull it out of the ground and take it round to the bins.
By now the fucking thing had huge spikes.
Of course I could have chopped it down with a machete, but how the fuck do I get the bits in the rubbish?
It’s not like I could pick up the spikey parts and put them in a bin bag.

By now Mrs Cunter was getting scared.
She thought the fucking thing was going to take over the garden and come after her.
It had already grown arms so she reasoned that it would soon grow legs.

A few month’s later and with the fucking thing at about 3 meters tall we booked some building work to be done at Casa Cunter.

Luckily a skip was delivered and I carefully hacked the fucking thing to pieces.

Mrs Cunter encouraged me…..
“Kill the fucking thing!” she was shouting from a distance.

With great care the cactus was consigned to the skip.
The next day I dug what was left of it out of the ground.
It was then that I got stabbed by a tiny spike.

That little puncture wound in my wrist turned into ringworm.

No, I didn’t know that you could get it from cactus plants either, but you can.
It quickly spread and it took a year’s worth of anti fungal pills and special soap to get rid of it.

The revenge of “The Fucking Thing”.

That’s Life style pictures of cacti.

Nominated by : The Artful Cunter

*Knock knock knock*

“Erm, good morning. Mr erm Knee is it? I’m Sgt Crapp and this is PC Bulshyte from the local station. We’d ah, like a word. May we come in?’

“Oh great! You’re here about the vandalism to my car two months ago I presume…”

“Um, no sir. We no longer have the time to investigate actual crime. We’re here about a erm ‘non crime hate incident’ complaint that’s been made against you and stored on our data base for future use against you. Let me see now… ah yes. On a certain date on a certain website, you referred to a certain public personage as a erm certain naughty word…”

“Then no, you can’t come in. Just hold up. What is this ‘hurty word’ nonsense? Who is my accuser, and what am I specifically accused of?”

“We can’t disclose that information at this point sir, as that would allow for the possibility that you could begin to defend yourself against the fact that no crime has been committed. Also, there is no ‘accuser’ in this case. There is a ‘victim’. The ‘victim’s’ feeling’s have been hurt in this non crime crime incident”

“Right so let me get this straight. As I understand it, although some tosser has made a complaint, you’ve just said plainly that no crime has actually been committed by me. Why on earth are you here then, wasting my time, when you could be out looking for burglers, shoplifters and worse?”

” *harumph* Well sir, we’re here to advise you that at some point, according to the course we’ve been on, you may be called in to the nick for interview in relation to this non crime incident. You will then be required to check and regulate your future thinking in order to ensure that you don’t commit further non crime crimes at some point in the future…”

“Tell you what Sgt, why don’t you and PC Kafka here stop trying to infringe my right to free speech and just fuck off?”

“Did you hear that PC Bulshyte? Did you hear him just tell us to ‘eff off’ or what? Right sunshine, you’re under arrest under Section 5 of the Public Order Act 1986…”

The Standard.

Nominated by : Ron Knee

“I’m looking at the world, through rose coloured glasses, everything is rosy now”, as an old song says, and if you are of the same mind, who wish the whole word could be like “Hello”, where all is shiny, duckie and bright, I suggest you take a trip over to Starmer’s cocksuckers website, known as Labour List, founded by the late Mr Derek Draper. There you can read that Lord Mandelson is in the second round of becoming a University Chancellor (all that young meat to persue if he’s feeling like chicken tonight), the wonderful plans for Rail Nationalisation, which will probably go the same way as all of Starmer’s other “missions”. It’s not just at home, but overseas the good news continues. Kamala Harris assures their eager members that “we have momentum” (and not the sort that Kweer so despises).

It’s the place where Blairism meets Lewis Carroll.

This is a pretty typical piece of wishful thinking – apparently we all loved the budget. Here is the link, but I am feeling a little sad – this is my first Labour List nomination without Derek ? :-

LabourList.org.

Nominated by : W. C. Boggs

I usually cunt with alacrity, but I hope you will believe me when I say I have thought long and hard about this nomination, but I feel after several long newspaper articles and interviews, I have to cunt this poor woman, for making such a career out of her dreadful illness.

Like most people I have lost friends and relatives to this unspeakable illness, and I know the distress it can cause, but ever since that ghastly bull dyke Kim Leadbitter announced her wretched “right to die” bill in Parliament (and may I remind fellow cunters Dykie Kim shouldn’t really be in Parliament, as labour broke the rules in allowing her to stand as an MP when she had been in ze party for less than six months – another occasion when “Mr. Rules” Kweer broke the rules to suit himself).

Ms Rantzen has been going on and on about the right to die. She has the money, if she so wishes, to perform this frightful act herself by going to Dignitas, but she chooses not to. I can’t help feeling, with all due respect, that it is one word for “the public” and many sentences for herself.

bbcnews

Nominated by W C Boggs.

I might be late to the party on the basis that noms take up to a few weeks to publish, feel free to use this is a second to any current nominations, but Black Friday is an utter cunt.

‘The Holidays’ as our so called Sepo friends refer to them. An erstwhile Cunter on these hallowed forums once referred to it as ‘Greed, debt, alcoholism and forced enjoyment wrapped up in some sort of false celebration of a magical sky fairy that nobody believes in and half the imported population doesn’t recognise…’ (copyright whoever said that) is the most accurate and succinct statement ever uttered by a human life form.

But Black Friday is for utter retards. And you never go full retard. Last years shit, marked up in a price the previous 3 months plus, reduced (apparently) massively so that vacuous idiots lap it up. It’s all shit, knowing full well its last years model (another American corporate trait we have picked up). Every fucker is at it, despite being absolutely skint, people still don’t hesitate to go full retard over it.

Fuck the fuck off with Halloween, Black Friday and your other holiday shite. It seems ‘merica’s biggest export is cuntiude and buying shit you don’t need because you perceive it to be cheaper.

I spent 6 long years in the US and I fucking loathe it. You get less for manslaughter these days. Everything is marketed and branded to fuck, lapped up by morons in the name of ‘freedom’.

Don’t get me fucking started on their Franken food, the obese, corporate, cuckold cunts.

Do assisted suicide centres do Black Friday specials? Because if corporate America took up that offer the world would be a much nicer place. Cunts.

Nominated by : The Captain