New Build

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I should like to cunt both new home builders and the utter fuckwits who buy their shitty products.

Due to importing enormous amounts of third-world dross and assorted Eurotrash, Britiain is, supposedly, in a ‘housing crisis’. Funny that; when I’m out walking my dog, I see a great many houses that are clearly unnoccupied but the short-sighted governments (of either stripe) have stipulated that hundreds of thousands of these ghastly hovels have been to be thrown up in quadruple-quick time.
Most cunters here have, no doubt, been in one of these poor-constructed abortions. Yet who here would be dim enough to buy a brand new one?
You’ve more rights as a consumer buying a tin of tuna.
We all know the problems with these wank-boxes; twenty houses squeezed onto square footage fit only for six, thin walls, tiny rooms, gaps around windows, inadequate drainage; this list is practically endless.
Everyone with a half a brain knows this and yet these spastics still drop £400k on one of these gerbil cages and moan like fuck when they get ripped off.
Looking on Rightmove, a search of any given area will yield plenty of half-decent houses within a comparable price bracket, so why do these people do it?
Are they the sort of mongs who like to be seen to have an 18-plate lower-end Mercedes on the drive that they don’t own (£5k down and £400 a month with no ownership option) just to impress their wanker neighbours? I rather suspect so.
I’d *like* to say a big “fuck them” (house builders and their twattish customers alike), but Dick Fiddler has the copyright on that expression and this Cunt Engine wouldn’t want to face his ire for plagiarism!

Nominated by (someone who I forgot but you know who you are)

John Bercow (5)

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It’s time that John Bercow had a cunting. Apparently moves are foot, once again to remove Bercow from his position as Speaker of the House. It’s a position that the insufferably self important Bercow has steadily degraded during his long tenure. Previous attempts to remove this most poison of dwarves have failed. However, this time it’s different. After the recent accusations of bullying levelled at El Shorty, a growing number of Labour MP’s, who have previously supported him, are now at least considering supporting the Tories.

When he was first elected speaker, Bercow announced that he would no more than nine years. Well, in about 63 days, his nine years will be up. Bercow has not announced his intention to retire as Speaker, and that is causing increasing annoyance among the Tories, and now some Labour MP’s. He has been, without doubt, the worst Speaker to have held the position that I can remember. The Speaker is supposed to impartial, but whenever I’ve what PMQ’s he’s displayed a definite bias against the Tories, a party he’s supposed to be a member of. The shit that he’s made us taxpayers shell out for would make Derry Irvine blush and his ego is legendary. Bercow is not a man who believes in God, he’s a man who believes he IS God.

Over the years Bercow’s ego has become legendary, and it’s something that can’t simply be explained away as short man syndrome. While prowling the corridors of Parliament, more than one person has Bercow grandly shout, “MAKE WAY FOR THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE” to remove someone from his path. Happily though, some people have refused to do obey, much stumpy’s annoyance.

Now though, it’s starting to look like Bercow’s days as Chief Gobshite are numbered. A number of Tories are planning to issue an ultimatum. Either announce your departure, or we’ll kick you out on your short arse. The only problem, is that the leading potential successor, is Harriet Harman. She is quite possibly the ONLY person who could be worse than Bercow. I doubt her ability to remain impartial when sitting in the Speaker’s chair. I doubt her ability to bring at some semblance of respectability back the office of the Speaker. In my opinion Lindsey Hoyle, one of Bercow’s deputies should be the one to replace him. He has the experience, he has the respect and he has the ability to remain impartial.

I think Harman is being put forward as a possible replacement because
a) She’s a woman, which in these days of the ‘women are better than men, and should be in charge everywhere, is very much in her favour.
b) She’s Labour, which would make it easier to get the much needed assistance of Labour MP’s.
c) Ok, there is no C.
In any case though, I hope the rumours of a coup are true, because Bercow is a nasty, egotistical, megalomaniacal cunt, who has never had any business being in the Speaker’s chair, and the sooner he goes the better.

nominated by,  Quick Draw McGraw

The Home Office

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Has the Home Office been cunted recently?
The Home Office has been ‘unfit for purpose’ for at least 20 years, and probably more. During the Blair/Brown good old days it classified asylum seekers and economic migrants as skilled workers to fiddle the figures. We were deluged with scum.
It cant organise deportations or account for how many applicants are listed or where they are. Detainees who are scheduled for deportation spend months and years in holding centres due to organisational incompetence.
And now we have the ‘Windrush’ fuck up. People from the Caribbean invited in to work 50 or more years ago are being targeted by this collection of cunts. They cant do anything about the 3rd world scum arriving daily so they pick on people who are here perfectly legally. Probably because it is easier to pick on Winston and his family than Mohammed and his harem.
The Home Office, run by cunts, staffed by cunts and headed up by a succession of cunts.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Cunts in cans

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I have great hopes for the future of our nation when I see brain dead morons of a certain age wandering down the street wearing headphones.

The other day I was driving along minding my own business when some idiot in cans walked straight out in front of me. I slammed the brakes on and leant on the horn and managed to miss him – but he was totally oblivious to his surroundings and leaning on the horn was a complete waste of time. Now I like a bit of Led Zep at full volume, but I’ve got more sense than to cross the street wearing cans.

And how about those cans? Personally I use earphones with my iPod – when not walking down the street or crossing the road – but what’s it with these fucking great cans? I asked a snowflake what it was all about. Apparently it’s a fashion statement. When you pay £300 for a set of cans (what sort of cunt pays £300 for headphones anyway ???) you need to be seen to be wearing them. So that people know you’re important. And cool. And presumably financially as well as mentally challenged.

So next time you’re riding down the street on your £2,000 carbon fibre bike, remember to plug your £1,000 iPhone in to your £300 cans so people will know just how cool you are when they scrape your remains off the road.

Yes, I am greatly optimistic about the future of this country – because with luck we’ll finish off a few of the feckless brain dead fuckers before they can do too much damage! Or reproduce.

Cunts in cans. Darwin would be proud…

Nominated by Dioclese

Owen Jones [8]

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Well, Owen Jones has done it. Admittedly, it wasn’t difficult for a cunt like him, but Owen has actually made himself look an even bigger cunt than usual. He spent most of yesterday on the road with his quest to “unseat the Tories across London” in Barnet, Kensington, Westminster and Wandsworth. As well as visiting those innocent London boroughs, Jones also left his slime trail in Hillingdon, Swindon and Portsmouth. He took Khant and the Abbottopotamus to Wandsworth, and before that he was in Westminster with Eddie Izzard, who after his trip to the Middle East has found his make up bag.

In Westminster, Owen grandly announced that Westminster, “have the hedge fund managers. Labour has the people”. Unfortunately for Jones, nobody seems to have told ‘the people’, because they voted Tory. Kensington, Westminster and Wandsworth are Tory boroughs. So is Barnet, which the Tories took. And Swindon, which the Tories held. And Hillingdon, where the Tories increased their majority. Labour failed to take control of Portsmouth, which remains No Overall Control. Apparently, he was also due to visit Plymouth, but cancelled. Labour won there.

His escapades yesterday only served to make him even more unpopular with Labour, and today Jones is busy blaming his Labour colleagues for failing to manage expectations. But they’re having none of it. One Labour party member is quoted as saying, “Hundreds of activists were sent to campaign in the wrong places just to feed the outsized egos of a few pied pipers on Twitter. It can’t be allowed to happen again.”

Oh dear. Izzard must be laughing his tits off today. Normally, it’s he who is the kiss of death to Labour candidates. Today, the Albatross is very much Jones. Not that the arrogant little clown will admit it though. Still, Owen Jones, stand up and take a bow. You are without any doubt, an ocean going cunt.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw