I admit to a liking for aftershave, the cheaper the better. I like the sting and the astringent smell although it seems to disappear before I have even left the bathroom. My wife hates my cheapo brands so when she goes off to places like Paris and Rome, generally without me but don´t ask me what she´s up to, she always comes back with some shaving stuff for me. She has obviously paid a fortune for it (or should I say I have paid via our “joint” credit card) and it has always been a waste of money. She never buys me what I want but comes back with after and pre-shave balms, unguents and creams, none of which I like. She then interrogates me every time I shave.

Remember the Sam Goldwyn quote “How much did you love the movie?”. Well that´s how it is. “Did you like the after shave? Was it good? Was it great?” I have to coo with delight as if she had made it with her own fair hands instead of picking it up in the duty free before walking past the Armagnac (which I would much prefer).

Loving it means loving her. Well that´s how she sees it. When I approach her afterwards, swathed in whatever it is, instead of dragging me off to the bedroom, she says something like, “Mother´s just invited us to round on Sunday, won´t that be lovely? Could you give me my phone. I want to see some pictures of cousin Maisie on Facebook. She´s in Disneyland and has posted some pictures of her and Donald Duck.”

Oh for the days of my pre-bumfluff youth and aftershave never existed.

Nominated by Mr Polly

An election night cunting for the cunt Stormzy, who has revealed that he has never voted, as he urged his fans to get involved in the General Election.

Speaking in an ‘impassioned’ video to his 2.7 million Instagram cunt followers, he said:

“I know a lot of people are saying ‘Go vote’, and it can seem like just bullshit, but hear me out. Man’s never voted. Man’s always looked at politicians and thought, ‘You guys are fucking everything up.’ Man don’t trust you lot. You lot don’t do nothing for man and my community and my circumstance and my mum’s circumstance. But for the first time in my 26 years of life, there’s a man that man trusts. And I wouldn’t do all of this; I wouldn’t use my platform, my voice to say that to you guys if I didn’t wholeheartedly.”

He added: “It’s very clear as day; personally, for me it’s very clear-cut. Jeremy Corbyn is a man of hope, a man of justice, a man of equality, and the other guy’s a fucking prick, so don’t be stupid.”

Well, he’s a cunt for being a rapper, a cunt for supporting Jezbollah and an epic cunt for referring to himself as ‘Man’

Did I mention that he’s a cunt?

Nominated by Mystic Maven

A nomination please for Stonewall who believe that teachers should tell children about lesbian, gay and transgender issues in classes such as Maths and Design.

According to The Times, Stonewall suggests that same-sex couples be used to teach children to count in maths lessons, with possible questions including: “How many biscuits are left at Fatima and Shanika’s wedding?” This is actually a trick question, since Islam would not tolerate a same sex marriage. More likely the question would be, how many dead bodies would be left after the massacre?

In design and technology lessons, Stonewall says teachers should use the rainbow flag to help 5 to 7-year-olds understand the meaning of colours.

In computer science, Stonewall suggests pupils could design a dress for Bailey, a boy who dreams of being a girl and is the main character in a picture book called 10,000 Dresses.

If Jezbollah and his toxic bunch form the next government, it will no doubt be their number one education (indoctrination) policy.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

Ever since moving to the Lake District a few months ago, one thing i have as of yet been unable to get the hang of is the accents round these parts!

I spent nearly all my life living in the Birmingham area even though I was born a Shropshire Lad. And fortunately – according to most locals and outsiders that I have met over the years – have not picked up a Birmingham or Black Country accent. In fact my accent is fairly neutral – not posh, but not Neanderthal either!

However, I would say the Black Country accent is pretty low down the food chain in terms of perceived intellect and verbosity. But now that I’m living in the Lake District I have a whole new accent to get used to, and to be honest I do wonder if its even remotely connected to English!

Of course some regional accents are easier on the ears, and thus easier to understand than others. The Geordie accent is quite a fun accent to listen to, as is the Cornish/Devon accents. But then on the flip side you have the Manc/Scouse/Brummie/Cockney accents, along with the awful Essex/Estuary accents – none of which my ears can tolerate for more than a few minutes at a time.

The Wiltshire and Home Counties accents aren’t too bad either, but then again you have the Yorkshire accent, and all of a sudden you’re heading towards a timewarp and going back 100 years and visions of working down’t’pit!

But right now I have to get used to interpreting things like “scran”, “lal”, “eh?”, “twine”, “gaan” and “push iron” to name but a few!

Subtitles please!!!

Nominated by Technocunt

I’d like to nominate the cliche ridden British TV crime drama. Stock characters :

1) Tough, no nonsense, female head of the squad.
2) Wimpy stay-at-home husband of above. Looks after the kids, as top cop is too busy furthering her career by brown-nosing the commander and shitting on everyone else.
3)Veteran detective, white, male, alcoholic, divorced. Disliked by female boss, who sees him as a dinosaur, misogynist etc…(even though he gets the job done).
4) Ex wife of veteran detective, now with a new husband (a smarmy, arrogant git). She plays no real part in the story, but is included for whatever reason the producer can think of.
5) Rebellious teenage daughter of veteran detective, possibly involved with an anarchist group, or an older man who is just using her for his own nefarious purposes.
6) Drug addict son of veteran detective, in hock to drug dealers or loan shark. Either that or he’s suffering from mental problems.
7) Two smart arse newly promoted young detectives, one male, one female. Probably both ethnic minority. One or both will have a white spouse or partner (most likely one will be a same-sex partnership, almost a certainty if BBC, although ITV aren’t too far behind).
8) Smart arse young WPC who does all the hard work on her own, in the background – the engine who keeps everything going.
9) Geeky IT expert who fancies number 8 above.
10) At least one gay character – could be anyone, has to be included somewhere in the storyline.

All of the above thrown into a tedious eight part series, encompassing a load of red herrings, tedious sub plots about relationships and family situations, of no relevance to the main story, which will usually be the disappearance of a teenage girl and its effect on a community, seen from a load of different viewpoints.

Take out all the shite and it could be pared down to two episodes at the most. But it would still be crap. Thank heavens for ITV4. I can watch Sweeney and The Professionals till the cows come home.

Nominated by Mystic Maven