A bit of an impromptu cunting for the Essex-ification of British fucking TV. Apologies in advance if anyone hails from Essex – before arranging my lynching please remember that this cunting is exclusively reserved for ‘celebrities’, presenters and assorted wannabes.
With that out of the way, let’s start as we fucking mean to go on shall we – this phenomenon has been the scourge of free-to-air broadcast viewing across the last 3-4 years, principally due to ITV’s bargain basement output. It seems to me that Essex has disproportionate representation on mainstream TV – why? These fuckers appear to be the most fame-hungry of any in the UK. Reality TV is flooded with them – and watching these cunts wrap their infuriating estuary vowels exaggeratedly over every fucking word drives me Tucker-esque; constantly fighting the manic fucking urge to tear off my eyelids, scrunch them up and use them as earplugs.
The obvious, grotesque, enormous elephant in the fucking room – no, not Gemma Collins – but the shitty fucking wankfest of a programme which gave birth to her, TOWIE. The excessive posturing from these cunts demands militant torture methods to be employed on the fucking double. I once worked with a guy whose nickname was Arg. This programme is so toxically cuntish, that I consigned this otherwise decent chap as an extreme cunt, purely due to the association with his TOWIE namesake.
Christ have mercy on my cunting soul, if only it stopped there. TOWIE is just the resultant reality TV verruca on the diseased footprint from this Essexification; marching unstoppably across prime fucking time TV. Everywhere you fucking look – Jeff Brazier, Stacy Solomon, that frumpy shitcunt who won X-Factor, Adele, Olly Murs, Joe Swash, Mark Wright, Ferne McCann, Joey Cuntfuck, Dominic Littlewood (that bald fucking dwarven cunt truly makes my shit hang sideways!), Dermot O’Leary, Russell Brand, Jade Goody (don’t rest in peace, you thick fucking cunt), Alan Davies, endless Apprentice contestants…
The sheer cuntitude on that list alone is more radioactive than weapons-grade plutonium. But special mention must go to professional slut and all-around shitcunt, Katie Price (as well as her equally-diseased imitation, Jodie Marsh). This fucking cunt, even relative to her Essex brethren, is a stratospheric cunt of biblical proportions. The epitome of zero talent trash with tits, I was hoping we would see the last of her when her but no – a few pay-cheques from Loose Stool Women ensured her necrosing baps were fixed up, and she is back in the fucking saddle, like some kind of shitcunt Terminator.
Last word to Rylan Clark. Holy fuck, this insufferable cunt – complete with almost cartoon-tier veneers and an appetite for shirt-lifting that even exceeds his obvious inspiration, George Michael – really sums up everything that is wrong with modern TV, full stop. Someone who pretended to want to be a shit singer, simply as a gateway into TV stardom. This man has less talent than a paraplegic with locked-in syndrome, and arguably less appeal. I cannot begin describe the sheer brutality that I wish upon his person every time the camera flashes on his blindingly bright Hampstead Heaths. Hopefully the midwife slapped this cunt’s mother repeatedly for unleashing such a fucking excremental smear of a human being upon the world.
TV ‘personalities’ from Essex, you are all high-ranking cuntlords.
Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back
