What better way to kick off the New Year than with a haggis-loaded cunting of Scotland’s own national treasure, Rabbie Burns…?

I went to his birthplace and museum a couple of months back and concluded that apart from being a right know it all, a social justice warrior and a shirt lifter, he wrote some really shite poetry. His ode to the haggis is bad enough without that nasty little new year dirge Auld Lang Syne. What the fuck do those words mean anyway? Well, for those of you who give shit ( and I certainly don’t ) the title actually means ‘back in the day’ or ‘days gone by’ and goes on to say the best way to remember old friends is to get pissed out of your brain. I gather the Scots are quite good at that.

So fuck New Year, definitely fuck Jools Holland’s annual hootenanny, stick your haggis up your arse and do to Rabbie Burns what should be done with all treasures – bury the bugger somewhere you can’t find it…

Nominated by Dioclese