My local bar overlooks the Med.
It has a large terrace where you can sit and enjoy the views.
A full moon over the sea is spectacular.
There is a large selection of food on offer, fresh and well prepared.

Or you can simply have a few drinks and perhaps an ice cream to end the day.

There is no annoying music and the televisions are only put on for football.

A peaceful, tranquil place.

But for 2 months of the year the place is transformed.

This is what will happen tonight and every night until early September.
There will be a number of extended families that will shamble in and ask for a table for 10, or 12…..sometimes more.
The waiters will have to move tables around to accommodate them.

The typical family will consist of perhaps 6 adults, 4 miserable, gormless looking teenagers and a few toddlers, crying because they have been in the sun all day and are tired.

There is absolutely no point in insisting on one table for a large group of people.
If you are at one end of the table you can’t possibly talk to the people at the other end.
The teenagers will have their heads in their mobiles and will not talk anyway.

The chefs will be under pressure to serve a large number of dishes at the same time.
The quality of the food will not be at its best.

Far better to ask for a number of tables for 4 people and not be such a pain in the arse.

Drinks will arrive and the first thing that happens is the adults will scoop out any ice cubes.
You can’t risk catching anything from the water here.

The fact that the water in most places in Spain is equal to or even cleaner than you would get in the UK is lost on these people. As is the fact that the fingers that they are using to scoop out the ice cubes were recently up their noses or wiping their arses.

The more adventurous adults will order cocktails.
A bit ironic as most cocktails will have crushed ice.

The teenagers will ignore the glasses that they are given. They will drink straight from the bottle.

Food.
Pizzas for the teenagers and spaghetti bolognese for the toddlers, most of which will end up on the floor or table.

For the adults, something adventurous but obviously with chips.

Tortilla and chips.
Calamares Romana and chips.
Arroz a banda and chips.
Bacalao and chips (“This cod ain’t got no batter on it”)

Most of the food will go uneaten.
At least one glass or bottle will be dropped on the floor and smashed.
The small kids will have 2 mouthfuls of spaghetti before running around the terrace, shouting.
The adults will ignore them.
The surly teenagers, still trying to look cool in their sunglasses even though it’s 10pm, will not look up from their mobiles.

How can anyone enjoy a family holiday like this…. Why would anyone ever come back?

If you are going to visit Spain come out of season.
The weather is more tolerable.
But please, leave your fucking kids at home.

Nominated by: The Artful Cunter

The link for this nom is actually on the Met Police site.

Met Police.

Because there isn’t enough crime to fight in London, the brave boys in blue are pulling out all the stops to find the person responsible for spray painting out three gay/alphabet pride flags painted on the pavement.

Did the Keystone Cops do anything to find the people responsible for vandalising the pavement in the first place?
Why should everyone else have to walk across reminders that people are sodomising each other, and grooming school children by saying, “It’s perfectly normal to think like that, we take pride in it”.

I’m old enough to remember when homosexual behaviour was unlawful.
The Met woke idiots would have heart attack if they had to deal with it.

Bring back the Sweeney.

Nominated by : Duke of Cuntshire

Strictly Cunts Dancing

Psssssst! I say you chaps. Have you been following the ‘Strictly’ saga in the light of all the BOMBSHELL coverage the Beeb’s knees-up show has been getting of late?

Stories of sackings and rumours about behind-the-scenes feuding, allegations of abusive behaviour and bullying; the meeja’s been buzzing with ‘revelations’ for weeks. The show’s in ‘meltdown’.

Things are apparently so bad that the Beeb is suggesting that it might even have to cancel the long-running old warhorse. Cancel? Are they having a laugh?

This is the kind of sensationalistic publicity that money can’t buy. The viewing public loves a bit of scandal to spice things up a bit. It’s a pound to a penny that the producers are secretly rubbing their hands together with glee in anticipation of record viewing figures when the new series hits the screen.

Cancel? I’ve as much chance of a long weekend with the divine Salma Hayek. What a pile of fucking old donkey.

The Sun.

Nominated by : Ron Knee

Chris fucking packham. yup again.

Chris packham needs a weapons grade cuntting. Thermo fucking nuclear! why you may ask? I know!

on reading the latest about our favourite just stop oil friends, getting time, I rejoiced.

Wait hang on this was the BBC!. So according to our saviour who art in heaven “it’s against human rights to stop these people.

Hang the fuck on Chris, what about people needing help from paramedics, police (I know we don’t have many), seeing loved ones who are dying, births ect.

No climate bolocks over all other things! Your a cunt Chris! Oh and the BBC, Again! I hope this cunt gets the same treatment as Steve Erwin!

BBC News.

Nominated by : Country cunt

The organisers of the wank fest that is to be the Paris Olympics have vowed that it will be ‘the greenest ever’.

How they intend to achieve that is anyone’s guess.

The thousands of athletes arriving there will not be walking.
The hundreds of thousands of spectators will not be turning up on sailing boats.

The athletes will be housed in a purpose built village. Built mainly of concrete.
The spectators will be in overpriced hotel rooms.
All of them will have air conditioning and an overworked laundry service.
Everywhere will be well lit.

There will be some vegetarians making their futile attempts to save the world by not eating meat, but nowhere near enough to make the event ‘green’.

Perhaps there may be a fleet of electric buses to get people to and from venues and maybe recyclable bottles for drinks.

Yep, that will save the Earth.

The biggest cunt of all is Chris Boardman.

To highlight the green credentials he is cycling to Paris.
Stopping of many times en route to preach ‘The Message’.

Well done Chris!
But how is your luggage getting to Paris?
You are certainly not carrying it on your bike.

Do you think that we are all fucking stupid Chris?

What about the tens of tons of equipment that each country will send along with their broadcasting teams?

What about the many dozens of horses that will be flown in from all over the world for the equestrian events?

The private jets for dignitaries.
Just a few miles of flying in one of them will wipe out Mr Boardman’s noble efforts.

Knock it on the head Chris, you cunt.
Get on a plane or drive there like every other fucker is going to do.

BBC News.

And a few other things Chris………

How can stopping off every night at different hotels be greener than flying or driving to Paris non stop?

You are in a Government appointed job as ‘chair’ of Sport for England.
All your unnecessary hotel rooms and food and drink will be being paid for by the tax payer.
You will not be paying anything out of your own pocket.

I suppose that it’s easy to be seen as being green at someone else’s expense.

And what about the constant maintenance of you and your bike?
Tyres and inner tubes made from Indian rubber.
Oil for lubrication.
Petroleum based creams to soothe your chaffed arse.

All these things will be looked after by your support team who will be following your epic bike ride.
They will be close behind you….. In a car.

All these people will need hotel rooms too.
They will all need feeding.

The local and national reporters coming along to interview you at every stop.
They won’t be coming along on their bikes.

Chris Boardman.
Monumental cunt.

Nominated by : The Artful Cunter

Silver goes to Sam Beau for this:

Since when the fuck did skateboarding become a sport, let alone be ratified into the Olympics? Probably at the same time as snowboarding was admitted – both performed by the same sort of scrotal mongers, I would wager.

So, why not have darts then? Or tiddlywinks? Or angling? Or squash (which I think they did try once, but I can`t be arsed to verify).

And I know it`s been cunted before, dear cunters, but fucking dressage?!
Or Strictly Horse Dancing to give it its proper name. I wonder if the poor horses know what utter pansies they look like mincing about just because Jemima, Tabitha & Araminta think it looks oh-so cute. Why not dress them up in dolls` clothes while you’re at it.

My suggestion would be to combine said sports in some interesting way to make them more exciting and watchable. I propose `Horse Skateboarding` – just strap a skateboard onto each of their hooves and off you go. Or rather, off they go, most likely in several different directions.

Perhaps YOU could invent a more amusing portmanteau manglement of hitherto innocuous pastimes?

Anyway, something to fire your vivid imaginations here …

GQ.

Bronze goes to Twenty Thousand Cunts Under the Sea for this:

Two men masquerading as women have been allowed to compete in the women’s boxing competition:

Grauniad.

No doubt they will flatten their opponents on the way to gold and drag the Olympic flag further through the cesspool that is now international sport. This following on from the testicle festival that was the opening ceremony, and the most chaotic football match ever.

Obviously Russia is not allowed to compete, because they are evil war criminals. Some of their athletes are allowed. but not more than 55. Oh, and they are not allowed to be shown in the medals table and are to be referred to as AIN.

In other Olympic news, Hercules is soon to be stripped of his discus gold as he was a supporter of the slave economy of Ancient Greece. Fuck off.

Saved by the bell (just) is this from Paul:

TRANNY BOXERS FEMALE opponent (real one!) forced to quit in within 46 seconds.

The Woke Olympics. What a fucking shit show. You got that cunt Daley knitting in between bouts and then forcing the world to watch him kissing his ‘husband’? and then you have this fucking travesty where a NATURAL FEMALE is forced to compete against a geezer who thinks it’s a woman. Obviously, the tranny boxer has a massive fucking advantage over the REAL WOMAN boxer. This is pathetic and disgusting and patently not right or in any way sporting. These mental woke CUNTS pulling the strings should be shot and pissed on. I refuse to watch this shit. My television is almost obsolete because of the 99.9% woke bullshit they are feeding us. Anyway I added the news link that got me on this rant. Until the next time………

Sly Sports.