As a noted old cunt and older than most I seem to be in some demand as a wedding guest and on one recent occasion as a best man. Various nieces and nephews have posted me what these days counts as an invite, a little card with dried flowers, ribbons and similar sentimental shit glued to it alongside a wedding favour with a vicious pin to wear at the event. They all know – or should – that I do not do wedding presents and certainly never cash. What I do do, and only too happy, is to offer marital advice to either party free, gratis and pro bono. Words of wisdom based on over sixty years of hard earned experience in the yoke.

Thing that comes up time and time again is sloppy pussy. Disappointed groom is outraged at the lack of tactile sensation provided during the statutory wedding night. Despite having countless trial runs before point of sale, the poor punter wakes in the cold dawn of the morning after listening to his beloved’s snores and is hit by the realisation that there are more than two in this relationship. Probably all of his mates and most of the lads down the pub have trod that well travelled path. Nobody expects virginity in these modern times but going down the betrothal/engagement/marriage route at least implies some sort of exclusive contract. 

The heady implosion of Young Love. Fury and Outrage, a wish to do Violence (alright you can kick her out of bed and then pretend you are dreaming) but no my son, “Welcome to the con”.

Love, Marriage – what is that?

Life’s great deception. A life time marriage only works by mutual agreement, mutual blindsiding one’s mutual peccadillos (nothing to do with Michael Portillo) and getting on with it. EG: she does not tidy your porn stash or change your passwords and you do not open her little parcels from Ebay. Extramaritales? Whatever you can get away with and vice versa but do make sure all valuable items including the house and car are in your name for later convenience.

Have spent some time in India where a bride’s price is dependent upon whether she is intacto or not. Needless to say many dodgy quacks are available to do hymen or ‘fanny repairs’. They advertise in most main newspapers as do ‘certified intact’ brides seeking men of good family.

Where have all the virgins gone? (After Pete Seeger)
Long time passing
Where have all the virgins gone?
Long time ago.
Where have all the flowers gone?
The guys have picked them every one.
Oh, When will you ever learn?
Oh, When will you ever learn?

durexindia

Nominated by : Somehow this has been lost – own up if you will

Old cunts like me grew up with great music – the Who, Kinks, Beatles and dozens more. There was plenty of crap but you could ignore it. Through the seventies there was great stuff, progressive shite aside. Up until about the time of fucking Kylie etc, leading to the even worse Spice Slags and Fuck That. Dire.
It couldn’t get any worse could it? Oh yes it could.

The rapping, warbling, autotuned manufactured garbage that passes for pop nowadays is now ‘sampling’ music. 1 in 4 releases apparently. Fuck me, the only rap track I remember samples the guitar riff from ‘Every Breath by the Police. And that’s all I remember of it.

Modern pop. Bland, stolen, Cowelised shite.
It’s a fucking disgrace.

Bbc news

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble.

Fuck me, is there nothing these days that isn’t a crisis? I’m sick and tired of being told that everything is a crisis.
Latest bullshit is the concrete crisis. It’s not a crisis, it a genuine problem that needs addressing but it’s not a fucking crisis.

We’ve had the lot lately haven’t we? I’m sure I’ve missed a few but here’s a list :

The cost of living crisis. Nothing compared to the 1980s but we didn’t have snowflakes in those days.

The climate crisis. Nothing compared to the crisis we’ll actually have when the electricity runs out running all those heat pumps and cars.

The obesity crisis. Eat decent food you cunts. Take some exercise. Take some responsibility.

The NHS funding crisis. Sack the fucking managers and diversity consultants.

The mental health crisis. No wonder the way we’re talking up the other crises!

FFS stop calling everything a crisis! There’s going to be a general election soon and if Starmer and his cronies get in then there really will be a fucking crisis. You heard it here first…

Rt. Hon. Dioclese (still alive and kicking).

The world cheered as Nelson Mandela was freed from prison to rule over South Africa, in what now seems a one party state.

Now the world would see what the majority race of people in South Africa would be capable of.

Well, today I’ve read another story of this country’s demise. It seems Johannesburg is a big crumbling mess of a city, with criminal gangs taking over derelict buildings and illegally renting rooms out. Mostly to illegal immigrants from other African countries, whom the natives want out of the country according to this article (Diversity is a strength…just in honky countries though).

Because of some daft housing laws brought in by the ANC, they can’t do much about it.

Let’s have it right…South Africa has gone to shit since the ANC took over and it gets worse every year.

Can’t think why though. It’s a mystery to me, I can tell you.

Bbc news

Nominated by Cuntybollocks.

Ministers want to grant themselves “unlimited” powers to create new criminal offences and civil penalties against home owners, landlords and businesses as part of its commitment to sustainable Net Zero targets by 2050.

To do this they’re seeking amendments to the Energy Bill, which includes tightening up on Energy Performance Certificates, which most homes and businesses must have when it comes to selling a property. (The EPC rates a home’s energy efficiency between A and G, with A being the most desirable.)

Ministers want all properties to be set to at least Band C by 2035, meaning the compliance costs will fall on the owner. And now they want additional “enforcement” powers to make sure people don’t fall foul of these tough new rules with the threat of anything up to a year in prison or a fine running into the thousands!

Fortunately, there is a Tory Backbench backlash against such heavy-handed, Orwellian-like plans, and the Department of Energy Security denies any such rulings exist.

However, we are living in a different world now, and I wouldn’t put it past these cunts, or a future Labour government to put such proposals forward in its efforts to look as if its complying with the globalists net-zero dogma, even if means sending people to prison for it!

Link below is behind a paywall, but here’s a snippet

“Property owners who fail to comply with new energy efficiency rules could face prison under government plans that have sparked a backlash from Tory MPs.

Ministers want to grant themselves powers to create new criminal offences and increase civil penalties as part of efforts to hit net zero targets. Under the proposals, people who fall foul of regulations to reduce their energy consumption could face up to a year in prison and fines of up to £15,000.

Tory backbenchers are set to rebel against the plans, which they fear would lead to the criminalisation of homeowners, landlords and businesses.”

telegraph

gb news

Nominated by Technocunt.