Now, I know you lot are all keen gardeners, so this will be of interest.
You may remember a post I did last year regarding banning of slug pellets and ” alternative” methods of slug disposal, like putting cardboard down, that these unsightly and greedy fuckers crawl under. You then, supposedly lift the cardboard with all the slugs stuck to it, and what??

Anyway, here’s this year’s gem for dealing with the cunts, that are turning your hostas into lace curtains.
Eat a melon! Yes, that’s right.
Then what, shit on them? No.

You put the scooped out half melon skin on the floor. These delightful creatures flock to gorge on the sweet pulp, and you can easily dispose of them.

Again, as with the slug encrusted cardboard, how? Where?
Garden bonfire, maybe. Next door neighbour because you hate the smug twat?
Train them to do tricks and go on BGT? Gnaw my own arm off first.
Half a fucking solution, yet again!

Huff post

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

 

I’ve had just about all I can take from these cunts. Whale watching in New Zealand, safari in Kenya, trekking to Everest base camp, oh do fuck off. This year when Mrs Twatt and I return from our week in Scarborough I’ll be ready with my own bullshit:

Oh we’re just back from Ecuador dahlings. Our lovely daughters Esme and Phoebe couldn’t join us this time because they were taking part in a Just Stop Oil protest, so Bunty and I drawped them orf in London in the Range Rover on our way to Heathrow.
Anyway, Ecuador dahlings, oh it’s wonderful, you really must go. Of course we always eat where the locals do, avoiding the tourists. We found this delightful little taverna in downtown Quito where the traditional Ecuadorian pizza was melt in the mouth. Then Bunty sponsored a young orphaned llama at a llama rescue centre. She named it ‘Julian’ after Mr Assange, who’s Ecuadorian himself don’t you know?

The highlight was a 2 week trip to the Galapagos Islands. The ship followed the very same route taken by Charles Dickens on ‘The Bounty’ when he invented evolution in 1386. We saw all the different finches and a hammerhead penguin. Look, here’s a photo of Bunty with some of the unique wildlife. Yes, I know it looks like the sign behind her says ‘Whipsnade’, but actually it’s ‘Whipnáde’, which is Portuguese for ‘Galapagos’.
Anyway, for our next travel experience we’ll be exploring the native tribes of Papua New Guinea. We can’t wait!

escapes

Nominated by Geordie Twatt.

 

Summers here again ☹️
And the heat!

For those who work outdoors this is a double edged sword.

Maybe your a sun worshipper?
Like a tan? Showing off your stage 2 skin cancer down the pub,
Looking like a pepperoni stick.
Some people are like lizards.

I hate it.
Dripping in sweat, blinded by the sun
Drinking gallons of water just so my kidneys don’t pack up.
But mainly because my spuds are stuck like silly putty to my thigh.

It’s torture!!
My arse crack turns into a small water feature.
My undercrackers are like Jacque costeaus.

I know what those cunts in the Foreign Legion feel like now!
No wonder they forget.
Anyway,
Soon be Christmas
Mustn’t grumble.

Google images

Nominated by Miserable Northern Cunt.

 

I’ve just read that Sky have pulled the plug on Soccer AM after almost thirty years. This cunting isn’t really a footy one, it’s on the media’s ignorance over why it’s unpopular nowadays.

This article I half read says it could be due to too much availability of footy on the box.

However, the move away from the shows ‘lad culture’ and promoting wimminz footy shite and ‘pundits’ may also be the reason.

I wonder which fucking one it is?

Fuck Sky anyway. Unbearable since Comcast took over. Lefty as fuck. Presenters can goz on kids and keep their jobs if they’re lefties. If not absolutely libtarded, potted for ‘not having views consistent with our company’.

I never liked Soccer AM anyway, even in its heyday (90s-early noughties). Didn’t mind Helen Chamberlain’s tits and arse though. I just love a good moan. It’s why we come here.

Bring back Keys and Gray, pot the wimminz, Neville and Gozzagher and get rid of the token thick ‘diverse’ types who can’t speak proper English innit?

Or go bust. I’ll laugh when it happens, which it will at this rate.

Bbc news

Nominated by Cuntybollocks.

 

Okay cunters, it’s time I came clean. I am a member of an oppressed minority, ostracised, marginalised and demonised by society. I can barely muster the strength to admit that I am attracted to……women.
We men who would rather put it up a woman’s vagina than a man’s rectum have to run the gauntlet of disgust and shame at such sexual depravity. There are men like me trapped in marriages of convenience with other men. Men who’ve had their meat and two veg chopped off.

Men who feel obliged to wear mascara, lippy and a dress, and all just to abide by society’s norms.
But behold, we female-attracted persons have a champion at last. Men’s Health tells me we’re ‘Gynosexual’ or something.

There’s even a Gynosexual Pride flag, so we gynos can become fully-fledged members of the Alphabet Movement too. So all you other cunters attracted to ‘femme-presenting persons’, I say be brave, come out the closet and join me on the next Pride march. We only have our chains to lose.

men’s health

Nominated by Geordie Twatt.