is a cunt, isn’t it.

It’s bad enough having to visit Scotland. Now, however, the Sweaties are considering a levy against the Engl….erm, against any tourists visiting Edinburger and potentially the whole of ScotchLand.

You’ll pay an extra two quid a night on top of any room price just for the privilege of being in JockLand.

With the poor showing of the Pound Sterling, it won’t make much difference to the EuroCunts, returning Aussie Convicts, or fat, gullible Yanks excited about seeing Nessie. Moreover, if anybody is stupid enough to come for the overrated Edinburger Festival, they deserve to be fleeced.

Perhaps it’s kitty money for the Sturgeon’s Husband Is Innocent appeal (“husband”).

If we pay extra, do they promise not to play the bagpipes? They produce more whining and droning than a Remoaner SNP bore.

This will be a bonanza for the toothless Jocks. They will finally be able to afford some decent Japanese whiskey. Hoots mon, they’ll be able to finally splash out on some new tartan miniskirts, deep-fried shortbread, and IrnBru-flavoured heroine.

Express

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

 

Today’s burning question is – does this unfortunate, though witless man have a normal marriage?. To put it bluntly, is Yvette Cooper a chick with a dick?. Admittedly it would be a micropenis, but he might have confused it with swollen pissflaps. I ask this question because yesterday poor old Ed really got his knickers in a twist when Professor Stock, formerly of Oxford, told roly-poly Ed that a man can’t become a woman, on a television interview:

Just a year ago the Balls son (what a wonderful invention turkey basters were!) got himself into trouble for heckling an Asian Conservative for saying the same thing.

I wonder if Eddy hopes to become an MP again as the TV career isn’t going well, as Starmer is also well known for believing that women can have a penis (or was it that men can have a cervix). Anyway, they believe it – or try to believe their unbelief, or hope that we will..

I’d like to leave both flabby faced cunts with a quotation from Simone De Bouvier “One is not born a woman, one becomes one”.(well, it was either her or a short sighted Rabbi) As a potty feminist she was a bit dopey on anatomy as well, so perhaps Balls and Starmer should join her in hell to discuss it.

Middle aged men pretending to be down with the kids makes them the biggest cunts of them all. As for poor old Balls, no wonder he has been a wanker all his life.

Express

Nominated by W C Boggs.

Now, I know you lot are all keen gardeners, so this will be of interest.
You may remember a post I did last year regarding banning of slug pellets and ” alternative” methods of slug disposal, like putting cardboard down, that these unsightly and greedy fuckers crawl under. You then, supposedly lift the cardboard with all the slugs stuck to it, and what??

Anyway, here’s this year’s gem for dealing with the cunts, that are turning your hostas into lace curtains.
Eat a melon! Yes, that’s right.
Then what, shit on them? No.

You put the scooped out half melon skin on the floor. These delightful creatures flock to gorge on the sweet pulp, and you can easily dispose of them.

Again, as with the slug encrusted cardboard, how? Where?
Garden bonfire, maybe. Next door neighbour because you hate the smug twat?
Train them to do tricks and go on BGT? Gnaw my own arm off first.
Half a fucking solution, yet again!

Huff post

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

 

I’ve had just about all I can take from these cunts. Whale watching in New Zealand, safari in Kenya, trekking to Everest base camp, oh do fuck off. This year when Mrs Twatt and I return from our week in Scarborough I’ll be ready with my own bullshit:

Oh we’re just back from Ecuador dahlings. Our lovely daughters Esme and Phoebe couldn’t join us this time because they were taking part in a Just Stop Oil protest, so Bunty and I drawped them orf in London in the Range Rover on our way to Heathrow.
Anyway, Ecuador dahlings, oh it’s wonderful, you really must go. Of course we always eat where the locals do, avoiding the tourists. We found this delightful little taverna in downtown Quito where the traditional Ecuadorian pizza was melt in the mouth. Then Bunty sponsored a young orphaned llama at a llama rescue centre. She named it ‘Julian’ after Mr Assange, who’s Ecuadorian himself don’t you know?

The highlight was a 2 week trip to the Galapagos Islands. The ship followed the very same route taken by Charles Dickens on ‘The Bounty’ when he invented evolution in 1386. We saw all the different finches and a hammerhead penguin. Look, here’s a photo of Bunty with some of the unique wildlife. Yes, I know it looks like the sign behind her says ‘Whipsnade’, but actually it’s ‘Whipnáde’, which is Portuguese for ‘Galapagos’.
Anyway, for our next travel experience we’ll be exploring the native tribes of Papua New Guinea. We can’t wait!

escapes

Nominated by Geordie Twatt.

 

Summers here again ☹️
And the heat!

For those who work outdoors this is a double edged sword.

Maybe your a sun worshipper?
Like a tan? Showing off your stage 2 skin cancer down the pub,
Looking like a pepperoni stick.
Some people are like lizards.

I hate it.
Dripping in sweat, blinded by the sun
Drinking gallons of water just so my kidneys don’t pack up.
But mainly because my spuds are stuck like silly putty to my thigh.

It’s torture!!
My arse crack turns into a small water feature.
My undercrackers are like Jacque costeaus.

I know what those cunts in the Foreign Legion feel like now!
No wonder they forget.
Anyway,
Soon be Christmas
Mustn’t grumble.

Google images

Nominated by Miserable Northern Cunt.