Recent unfortunate experiences with certain ailments has led me seek out further information and clarification about them. In this day and age, the obvious source of reference is the internet.
But my experience has taught me that referring your queries to Doc Internet are not good for you, being at once frustrating, unenlightening, and anxiety inducing.
Say for example that you’ve got an itchy spot on your arm. According to the Doc, it could be a pimple or a mole, BUT it might be skin cancer, so see your GP. Got a persistent cough? Could be an infection or hay fever, BUT it might be lung cancer, so see your GP. Having a wee bit of wee trouble? Could be an infection or prostatitis, BUT it might be prostate cancer, so see your GP.
In short cunters, my suggestion is that if you’ve got any health worries, save yourself time and angst by cutting out the middle man and going straight to your GP. It’s odds on that you’ll just end up doing that anyway.
As far as I’m concerned, Doctor Internet serves no positive purpose beyond acting as a spiritual home for hopeless hypochondriacs, which I for one am fast becoming.
Nominated by Ron Knee.
I’ve got frustration, but it tends to pass.
7
The good thing, this medical practitioner doesn’t give people medication for no apparent reason.
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I had a strawberry growing out of my bottom.
The doctor gave me some cream for it.
🍓
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Hope you don’t develop a tapeworm.
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Agreed. It’s the same when you read the ten pages of possible side effects on the tablets they give you. May cause your knob to fall off etc.
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The one that gets me every time is ‘may result in death’.
Curing by killing, it’s all the rage.
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“curing by killing”
Just ask Matt Hancock.
He’s a doyen in that field.
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Reminds me Ron when I was being whizzed down the corridor at Wycombe General to be stented a nurse trotting along beside me had a consent form for me to sign. She read stuff to me at the speed they say the Ts & Cs at the end of radio adverts then handed me the clip board and a pen. Like I would not have signed! Only bit I picked up was a one in five-hundred chance I would die during the procedure.
Stil, can’t complain. Two lovely nurses stripped all my clothes off except for my socks and I’m still here eight years on.
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Worked in the old people’s homes 4 years ago.
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There’s more chance of me winning a triple rollover in the lottery than seeing my GP.
A zoom meeting with a receptionist is about as close as I’ll get.
Wasn’t always the case but it certainly is now in my experience.
I’m as fit as a flea, even if I say so myself but I genuinely dread the day when I might have to rely on seeing a doctor.
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Bad luck. i saw my GP yesterday after a telephone consultation monday.
I realise how lucky i am in have a good GP in a decent, modern practice, given the stories on. here and from relatives just 8 miles away.
Many suffer needlessly through crap primary care snd it puts people off the next time they need to see a doctor.
unfortunately, my hospital trust is shite and the secretaries and other admin seem to have profound learning disabilities.
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Self diagnosis by the internet isn’t recommended.
Seek the advice of a qualified medical professional .
My gay brother in-law is neurotic and a hypochondriac.
I always ask him if he’s lost weight or tell him he looks a bit pale😁
Sets him off.
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Your gay brother-in-law, MNC?
Who’s he married to?
Your gay brother?
Confusion will be my epitaph.
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Nowt Confusing about it.
My missus brother is a homosexual.
I dislike him.
Not because he’s fruity.
Because he’s a fucking know it all.
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Ah, gotcha. 👍
I hadn’t considered that.
Early sign of dementia…
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Splendid King Crimson reference sir!
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I was as thinking the same, but he’ll be the brother of ‘tother one.
My father was hypochondriac and would have loved today’s technology. But he wouldn’t have got away with his lying bollocks.
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Ask him what it’s like having a Hampton stuck up his arse
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Who Sammy’s dad?
Presume he’s deceased
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Ask him why one eye is bigger thsn the other. He’ll be checking his reflection at every opportunity.
whats that on the back of your head, mate?
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Yes Mis, my pater died from a stroke of bad luck in the 80s.
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You should play him Stanley Holloway – “You do look queer”.
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You should play him Stanley Holloway – “You do look qweer”.
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Do you have to bang virtual pots and pans before you can access the site?
I just consult the local witch doctor if I’m ill, he does a roaring trade selling little wraps of white powder..
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Before i had my recent op, I went online to see about possible recovery time.
One site said five to six weeks. Another said anything from three to eighteen months, ffs.
The internet’s about as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest where advice on ailments is concerned.
Morning all.
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oh doctor i’m in trouble, well goodness gracious me……..in my humble opinion they ain’t what they used to be, it’s now any one in the practice, who simply don’t know you or don’t want to know…….pill pushers
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Always check the internet.
The NHS online or the new pharmacy deal can now prescribe for the 6 most common complaints.
It’s a haven for the hypochondriac, find the worst possible diagnosis for the symptoms.
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The internet won’t help you diagnose fuck all. If you go on a forum every cunt will tell you something different but all swear blind they know the right information.
Doesn’t matter the subject, mechanical, plant care or how to rehouse a goldfish.
The internet is a cunt.
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I had that on a ‘support forum’.
A twat telling me my treatment wouldn’t work. I asked for his credentials, compared them to my consultants and bid the site farewell.
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The internet is replete with people who spout all kinds of bollocks with complete confidence, some of which is not merely misleading but positively fucking dangerous. I once came across someone asking how to stop a squeak from the brakes on his car which he found annoying. First response was from a moron who actually posted a close-up photograph of himself spraying WD40 on to his brake discs. I confess I was so appalled I felt obliged to post advice to the questioner not to do this.
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Another name for it is Dr Google.
Supremely dangerous, especially when the Googler thinks that by a quick tap on the keyboard and some Sherlock Holmes style deduction, they have pinpointed the problem and produced an accurate diagnosis.
Why do these cretins think Doctors go to medical school and sit tough exams – to look good?
This Dr Google shit is what many of our overworked, underpaid MPs do when they think GPs can be replaced with nurses and paramedics. Cunts.
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111 is shit as weĺl.
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8 different tablets and 2 types of inhaler and I’m still fucked.
Nevermind my self medication non prescription drugs always keeps my chin up.
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OT. That cunt Rishi Sunak is now saying he did without Sky TV as a child.
Awwww bless. The slippery little fuck should have tried the following….
Power cuts
The three day week
No telly at all
Bread strike
Bin strike
Sky TV? Is that it? Fuck off.. Rishi should have gone to the blackboard jungle school I went to. Sandpaper paper towels iinstead of bog roll, that corrosive red carbolic soap, feral pyschopath kids, and teachers who weren’t much better.
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Sunak is possibly the most out of touch politician to ever exist.
The guy is a complete joke.
#zero seats
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Sounds very similar to my youth…one twatting teacher backhanded me when I was six years old whilst I had 10 stitches in my hand.
I hope that ” woman” died a miserable death…☠️
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Didn’t get much of that in primary school Arch I must admit. That does sound particularly cruel. Secondary school mind was an entirely different story. Some teachers would quite casually beat us without hesitation for the smallest perceived misdemeanour. I once saw Tony blair on the TV telling us how wonderful his teachers were and how we should be grateful for those we had and what they had done for us. I thought some of my old teachers should pray I never met them as an adult. Without any qualms I could have hung them up with piano wire and pulled up a chair to watch as they very slowly expired.
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‘Awwww bless. The slippery little fuck should have tried the following….
Power cuts
The three day week
No telly at all
Bread strike
Bin strike’
He’ll get to experience once Labour get in.
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A sly trick, but hang on, Rishi; Sky TV was always seen as the vulgar entertainment of the lower orders anyway. You’d drive past council flats and tower blocks studded with dishes.
Well-off people never had sky when I was growing up. They went out and saw their children playing n orchestras and went horse riding, boating etc.
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What the posh, wealthy cunt neglected to mention is that the reason he didn’t have access to Sky TV as a kid was because he spent most of his upbringing at some swanky, expensive boarding school.
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I still don’t have sky TV the fucking shithouse cunt as he is!
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I’d buy Sky Sports if they didn’t tack their fucking ‘entertainment’ package on as a mandatory extra.
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I got a bit nervous the last time I went to the Doctors. He said “Take your clothes off please”… “Where should I put them?” I asked…. the Doctor said “On the chair over there, on top of mine”.
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Have symptom
consult internet
anxiety increases
another symptom appears due to stress
consult internet
anxiety increases
I know it well.
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It’s called ‘AIDS’, CP; ‘Acute Internet Diagnosis Syndrome’.
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Not feeling well ? Take a trip to the seaside, that should tide you over for now. Left my coat at home.
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It’s no different to calling the NHS helpline, as I found out after 20 minutes of blather and being passed around ultimately to be told I’d best see a doctor or go to outpatients (which I did). A complete waste of time, money and labour on everybody’s part.
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‘Computer says no” divs.
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Compooter says, “why did I bother”.
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I once went to the Doctors wearing a crumpled and creased shirt. He told me I had an Iron Deficiency.
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This is a job for Doctor Cunt Engine and his psylocibin tinctures surely ?
It may not cure you but it will put you on a different level of existence.
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I have spent 57 years on this planet and learned only 1 useful medical fact.
If you shit gravy 20 times each day after taking heart medications flush the Lansoprazole down the shitter with the gravy.
Took me 3 months to figure out which of the many tablets was turning my arse into a brown water canon, this post might save someone a lot of shit role and a sore ring.
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If you shit gavy, try eating cornflour.
It’ll thicken it up nicely.
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Great tip🤣
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I’ve been taking Lansoprazole for my heartburn, donkeys years and never had any rust problems. Just helps me to eat anything without any trouble.
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I never worry about my health
Never at the doctor’s mithering.
Don’t sit awake worrying about if I’ve got a brain tumour.
Not on loads of tablets.
As a result I flourish.
Like a beautiful orchid!
On the downside I could drop dead at any moment.
But I’d of saved on all the worry.
Swings and roundabouts
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A great outlook Miserable.
It’s a mindset that I wish I could get into.
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Same with me Mis, I’ve had many practitioners come and go at my surgery, without me seeing them. Tend to see the nurse just for my regular checkup and manage to have a laugh with her.
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If I’m honest, I’m struggling with the orchid reference.
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