Very Unfortunate Surnames

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Older cunters will no doubt recall the 60s Aussie group The Seekers, who were fronted by singer Judith Durham. Not so many may be aware that in fact, Judith Durham was born Judith Cock. You can understand why she felt compelled to adopt a different surname for performance purposes.

It must be a pain to have to go through life with an unfortunate surname. Cock is pretty bad, but imagine you’re a Ballsack, Bastard, Booby, Bellend or Bollock. How about being lumbered, as some poor sods are, with the name Fart (or Farter), or Fuck (or Fucker)? And let’s not forget all the Craps, Piddles, Wanks, Arses and Cunts; they’re out there, no kidding.

Then there are the those whose thoughtless parents made a bad choice for a Christian name to go with their surname; ‘Hi, I’m Richard Head. People call me Dick’, or ‘John Hass, people call me Jack’. I used to work with a guy called Dick Burns. Inevitably, people would refer to him (with a snigger) as ‘Dick Burns, the man not the disease’.

Sadly a rare combination of surnames can sometimes result in shame and ridicule being heaped upon you for no fault of your own. Back in the 60s, Villa’s midfield was made up of Jimmy Brown, Oscar Arce, and Barry Hole. Imagine being on the Holte End week in week out, listening to the opposition fans (esp. those from Small Heath Alliance) chanting ‘your midfield’s a BrownArceHole, do dah, do dah’. I still shudder with humiliation even after all these years.

Yes, an unfortunate surname can be a Twatt of a thing, a proper Schitt in fact. If you’re a Smith or a Jones, remember that it could be worse. Much worse.

house of names

Nominated by Ron Knee.

140 thoughts on “Very Unfortunate Surnames”

  1. Back in 2007, I was driving on the Austrian autobahn behind a van which had the owner’s name on it… Peter Wanker!
    My friend photographed this for me.

  3. There was a girl in my class called June Wilde. Nothing unusual about the name, only I was madly in love with her.

  4. Talking of Villa, us Bluenoses used to chant RimJob Rimmer at the Vile’s keeper, Jimmer Rimmer back in the late 70s early 80s.
    That said he was a pretty decent keeper and had the misfortune of cricking his neck 10 minutes into the 1982 European Cup final and had to be subbed by Nigel “spunky” Spinks (?)
    Rather begrudgingly. Villa went on to win the cup with a rather excellent goal via Sid Cowans, Tony Morley and Peter Withe!

    • I remember Jimmy Rimmer when he was at Old Trafford. Not a bad goalie.

      I also remember Alberto Tarantini at St Andrews. What a hard bastard he was. He twatted some cunt in the crowd long before Cantona did at Selhurst.

      • You might be able to help me with this one Norman, when attending a match at Old Trafford in witch Mark Hughes pulled his shorts up the crack of his arse, giving the impression of a Sumo wrestler, I think after missing a sitter at the Stretford End, in an unimportant evening match. Think it was when the first insignificant wooden seats were tried out to quell crowd disturbances.

  5. There’s the famous black woman Fanny Batter in America, who couldn’t open a bank account, due to bank staff not believing her and laughing their bollocks off. Think she’s still suing them.

  6. On the eve of going to Prep school Evelyn Waugh informed his son that he had changed the family name to Stinkbottom.
    He didn’t look forward to the first register.

  7. OK fellow Cunters I’m not making this up.
    In the mid 1990s we had a music shop. Guitars , drums etc and of course sheet music.
    They imported from the USA.
    One book on violin practice caught my eye.
    I gathered my stonehead parnters in crime and showed them the book. The owners of the shop only ordered it because of its name.
    As follows. Front cover with Old man with violin sitting on hay bails surrounded by children.
    Name of book.
    Fiddling with childern.
    Best not Google said book…..

  8. My favourite is probably Thomas Crapper.

    What sad times it must have been when it was just another, if slightly obscure, family name.

  12. Just discovered that the Governor of Wandsworth Prison is………. Katie Price! So why did that fucking Jihadi do a runner with a permanently open fanny on tap? Maybe he was missing the goats? There’s some strange cunts about!

    • Is that a blurred photo of Nigel Kennedy and Miriam Gargoyles (who mast surely be due a counting…)?

      • Saw that Margargoyle has been having a go at John Cleese now.

        Probably because he’s funnier than she’ll ever dream of being.

        She’s got a new book out, I think, so she’s probably looking to make a few publicity waves, the nasty little fat cunt.

      • Spot on, Mr. Knee, tho Gargoyles is hardly little. Wish she’d just fuck off. She did a series on “self-deliverance” on TV some years back; I was really hoping she’d inhale the nitrogen and give us a good demo. Odious old hoover bag she is.

  15. Anyone remember those cards you used to get with PGTips? My brother and I were far too amused by the card depicting the gymnast Fanny Blankers-Koen in the Olympics set.

  17. There used to be a Terry Wo-gan where I worked some 30 years ago.

    (dash introduced to fool Wordarse)

    • …and no word of a lie, there used to be a brother and sister in my school – Anita Head and Tony Head.

      I shit you not.

      • My sister went to school with a girl called Veonora Dean, whose parents had given her a swanky leather briefcase with her two initials on it in letters about 3″ tall.

  20. In my youth we had a mate called Jay King.

    Jay had a brother called Wayne.

    Someone’s parents weren’t thinking when they registered that name.

  21. There was a company called Wayne Kerr Electronics named after its director.
    My sons friends father is a Mike Hunt.
    But the worse I’ve seen is Isaac Acock.

    • There’s an organist in Switzerland called Titziana Fanelli… Try getting your tongue round that/those (?)…

  23. I knew a Richard Head in the 70’s, about 10 years later I read Captain Richard Head of the parachute regiment had flattened some cunt for taking the piss of his name. I am sure this is the same one I knew.
    Still I worked with a Terry Watts, the boss did comment on his parents having a sense of humour….

  24. Hahahaha that header is a belter. Classic.
    I was creasing up on the old bus when I saw it.
    Folk thought I was laughing at the latest earthquake in the middle east.
    Well, one can but hope.

  25. About 1975, IIRC (I was at school at the time), the “Rotary Tools” scandal broke. Central to the smuttiness enjoyed by us school lads was a rather toothsome Polish hostess-with-the-mostest, who was paid to be on “undertable service” at corporate dinners… Her name? Anna Grunt. Phwoarrr, I bet she did.

    • Nothing beats a woman who shows plenty of enthusiasm when she’s at it.

      I love moaners and shreikers.

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