DIY home blood tests

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Now, I’m sure some of you lot will have had the home tests for bowel cancer, otherwise known as “poohsticks”.

Here’s a new one.

Well, don’t know about you, but I’m needlephobic, I pass out giving a blood sample, and I’m certainly not going to DIY.

What the fuck? Home phlebotomy!!
Don’t think so.

Gloucester live

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

56 thoughts on “DIY home blood tests”

  1. Sounds like Jeremy has taken the Magic Money Tree out of retirement for another round of utterly useless shite.

    The people most at risk are the very same ones least likely to give a fuck nor take any notice of a daft letter from the NHS.

    Like a drink?
    Like a smoke?
    Like meat?

    The robot says you’re fucked.

  2. I don’t understand.

    These tests are supposed to ‘ease pressure on the NHS’.

    The article then goes on to say that the tests will identify 200.000 people that will benefit from the use of statins.

    So how will these 200.000 people ger their prescriptions without putting extra pressure on the NHS?

    • Staff turning up to work rather than going on strike would ease pressure on our national religion… health service.

      Also, hiring the right person rather than turning down applicants for being white and straight might also help.

      Another idea would be to keep hospitals running during a pandemic, given the backlog of heart conditions and the excess deaths we’re still seeing. Dancing in empty corridors then applauding yourselves on Tik Tok while sending old people to rest homes and causing more deaths might not be a good idea.

  4. Of course the dinghy parasites get to see an actual medical professional when they need to.

    No jabbing themselves with needles or anal probes for them.

    The cunts will be telling us to pull out our own teeth next.

    • Already happening LL. On television just last week interviews with people pulling their own teeth because they had no access to a detist.

      Back in the eighties a guy I worked with dug out one of his own teeth with a screwdriver. Wound up in hospital with sepsis.

  5. Must be the same lot who keep telling me I’m eligible for another covid shot..

    Open letter and straight in the bin, probably in 28 different languages.

    • I wonder what proportion of people do the same as you Barry and the same for the letters asking for stool samples?

      • And also the seasonal ‘flu jab invitations especially considering that the strain targeted each year is guesswork, sometimes they get it wrong and for some people the side effects are same as the ‘flu and occasionally even worse.

  6. Jeez, hope you don’t become affected by diabetes. I have a cousin who has to stick a needle in her stomach every day. When I was diagnosed with it they said if I controlled my diet I could get by without medication, and I stick to it rigidly.

      • My friend is type one diabetic. Jeezum there are no worries small mini needles, jab and you’re good to go. Good luck with the blood testsd mate and carry on cunting. It might be type two which involves no injections, just a finger prick a couple of times a day. you can live a normal(ish) life. I have been type two diabetic for twenty years now.

      • I’d rather die than have to do even a thumb prick, but as my mother developed late onset diabetes in her 50s, and it was dietary managed, and I show no signs at almost 70, I think I’ve got a pass.
        Strangely enough, even though I drink like a fish, my liver/kidney function tests all come back 100% OK every year.
        I just hope the don’t ever test my lung function.

  7. I’m well over the age limit for pricking myself and they’ve stopped sending me the advent calendar for shit testing. The TV license is the best one I can now get away with. I’ve entered the forgotten world where life just passes you by, waiting for the final calling.

  8. Needles don’t bother me.

    Waiting for results and to see a consultant is where the fear lies.

  9. The big sell on statins is another case of snake oil sales promoted by NHS/Government/Big Pharma.

    The Number Needed to Treat (NNT)* for stains is:
    60 for a heart attack and 268 for strokes.
    * NNT = number of addition patients you need to treat to prevent one additional death.
    https://www.cebm.ox.ac.uk/resources/ebm-tools/number-needed-to-treat-nnt

    Additionally, it is worth remembering that a 2015 meta study (published in BMJ) analysed 20 statins studies and found that a lifetime of taking statins postponed death by by, at best, 3,2 days! I guess that would be a good outcome if you only have 4 days left to live!!

    Absolute cuntishness of the first water. Fuck the lot of them!

      • Short answer is I don’t trust them, Cuntamus! The whole Covid sham was massive pile of cunt. The BMJ study was published years before the total sell out so I give it the benefit of the doubt.

    • The medical professionals love statins because they are, drum roll….fucking cheap.

      Eat them like sweeties and watch out for the side effects.

  10. At University I took part in an alcohol tolerance test, when another student had to jab me for a blood sample every half hour after I had drunk a substantial volume of sherry. I can’t say I minded too much as I was pissed.
    I would recommend this course of action to anyone frightened of needles.

    • Rather you than me Geordie. Subsequent to having stents installed in 2016 I give a blood sample annually for routine testing. That’s enough for me.

  11. We need to bring back pioneers in this area of medical technology like Elizabeth Holmes and The Unbrella Corporation.

    • Your Resident Evil reference is appreciated and probably not that far of the mark in the grand scheme of things.

      Ahh the simpler times of being a teenager and playing that late on a Friday night with the lights off on the PS1, back in the 90s, and absolutely bricking it when the zombie dogs and crows start attacking.

      • I was pretty poor at Resident Evil type games. Always preferred City builfers and management sims.

  12. It’s all a figure fudging exercise, in my opinion.

    This starts in Spring 2024, so by Autumn some preliminary report will be issued regarding NHS detection and treatment rates for heart disease, etc being on the increase. Somewhere amongst the complicated pie/bar charts will be a tiny little note explaining the increase is a result of home testing kits.

    Also, it won’t be a doctor you see for treatment, it’ll be a nurse clinician, or similar. Even the blood pressure test they mentioned in the article will be done by your local pharmacist, not that these people aren’t professionals but it’s still not getting people in front of a doctor, which is what most people would prefer.

    • That’s me, Harry, Jeezum “the jessy” Priest.

      Some folks are scared of spiders, snakes, rats, balloons or clowns.

      It’s needles for me, ever since I saw that Dutin Hoffman film.

      “Is it safe?”

  14. I have to admit the new poo stick is a fucking improvement on the old three window fiasco.

    Home blood test, can’t wait 😂

    • Yes, SOI.

      It was certainly more user friendly, I think that’s what the corporate wordspeak is.

  16. Anyone have George Alagiah in the DP?
    Very sad. An honest, old school BBC journalist who didn’t try to foist his own political opinions on the rest of us, unlike cunts Huw Edwards and Simon Jack for example.

  17. They can shove it up their arse along with the rest the mithering cunts.

    I haven’t had my arse inspected
    Or my spuds examined
    I haven’t had my 50 MOT

    In fact I haven’t had my blood pressure checked in about 20yrs.

    I don’t like doctors tampering with me.
    Nowt wrong with me pal!

    I’ll outlive every fucker in that clinic.

    Self diagnosed -A1 fit for duty.

    • Way to go Mis. Don’t smoke, don’t drink until you can no longer stand up and ignore dietary advice, it changes faster than the weather. Obviously you don’t lack exercise. Reduce stress by means of regular sex. For avoidance of any ambiguity I mean the sort for which you need a woman.

  18. And if they think I’m wiping shit on sticks and posting them through Royal Mail they can think again.

    Got into trouble last time.

    • Well you shouldn’t have posted it to Admin for cancelling one of your nominations.

  19. Needles are nothing, cos I’m hard to drain my last blood test took 15 attempts finally they got it out of the top of my foot. I was on 6 injections a day in hospital for 7 months and I’m type 1 diabetic. Fuck me I’m hard enough to be a northerner.
    But me old fella would have put the doc or dentist through the wall if they came near him with needles absolutely terrified of them, but genuinely scared of nothing else.

  20. Those Covid tests are a cunt and all. I had to do one, all that stuff down your throat and up the hooter before I had a fistula op. Then the fuckers tell me for the third time that it’s cancelled due to those cunts being on strike. So that’s three Covid tests for balls all. Fuckers.

  21. Just another fuck up with the provision of health care which we pay through the nose for. But of course it’s all our fault for eating too many fucking doughnuts. Here’s some alternative ideas….

    Train our own medical professionals instead of importing them from poor countries.

    Stop wasting money on diversity officers, unconscious bias training and shit like that.

    Stop doling out money and wasting time with shit like tit jobs, tattoo removal and any tranny bullshit. Those cunts can pay for it themselves.

    Stop paying over the top prices from Big Pharma and other companies owned by MPs and their fucking mates.

    Stop health tourism. If you haven’t got medical insurance fuck off and die.

    Stop importing fucking w*gs who haven’t put in a penny and never will. In fact, start shipping them out now and sinking dinghies in the Channel.

    Vote for me as Minister of Health. You know it makes sense!

    • Too right, Freddie. A friend of mine has missed out on a transplant opportunity because he wasn’t given a much needed dental referral six months ago like he was promised.

      Yet, if he had been an inhabitant of the Congo or Parkinstan, he’d have got the referral and the kidney and a red carpet to boot. Never paid in and never will. Yet they cop the lot.

      • Don’t people from the Congo lay a frog in a dish with the patients blood, take some ketamine and perform a dance until the frog becomes a kidney?

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