Superstitions

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Superstitions are not only a cunt, they’re weird. This is something I Iearn anew every day, being married to an adorable but eccentrically superstitious woman.

Take today, 30th December, as a typical example. I recently sent off for a pair of shoes from Hotter. These duly arrived this morning, and I happened to put the parcel on the table. ‘What’s that?’ enquired ‘Er Indoors, and upon learning the contents of the parcel, promptly threw a wobbly. ‘Don’t put shoes on the table!’ she wails. ‘It’s bad luck!’. What the fuck?

Next up came the matter of putting up her new calendar. She loves to have one with sunny, colourful pictures by her side of the bed, so this year I got her one with cheery photos of bees and butterflies on flowers. Having nothing much else to do, I went to put this new one up, only to encounter wobbly number two. ‘No no!’ she started, ‘don’t put a new calendar up before New Year’. ‘Why on earth not?’ says I.’It’s bad luck’ says she.

Honestly, I fucking ask you. Putting shoes on a table or a new calendar up is ‘bad luck’. I mean, who thinks up this kind of nonsense in the first place? Whoever it is must be a right simple cunt, and the superstitions they foster as are a pile of cunt as well. Weird. Just weird.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

 

80 thoughts on “Superstitions”

  1. The one I find actually sensible is
    “Don’t run over a black cat, because the owner will key your car”

    • Stevie Wonder warned about this.
      I remember my old gran was very superstitious.

      The walk under a ladder is basic commonsense especially if someone at the top with paint or heavy tools.

      Superstitious people are on the decline,
      Modern cunts with their technology and stuff .
      Shame,
      Never see people with a lucky rabbits foot or a 4 leaf clover,
      Or carving pentagrams on the wall to ward off werewolves.

      Mate of mine as kids got a threatened off a woman

      “Come round here again,
      I’ll give you a ‘Bastard mark'”

      Still not sure what that is?
      But it sounded omnious and not much fun!

      Bring back superstition I say.
      Fingers crossed

      • Superstitious people? Weirdos with a tenuous grasp on reality? (Stop staring accusingly you lot – I sense some people being made to sit at the front of the class, dear me!)
        Wait near any 5G mast, they will be there in their shit stinking tents, greasy white dreadlocks swishing about, Pret A Manger and Starbucks mobile delivery service permanently in attendance, record low local deodorant sales, statues of Chris Spivey being erected (after checking them for nanobot air transmitted mind burgling technology only ever seen in Area 51 of course) – shifty bleeders should get a job, ideally clearing up the mess these fkin “Enviro loving” tramps always seem to leave.
        I could have done with some superstitions on Saturday night (As in “I am superstitious of munters”) – went to a jolly house party and ended up being chased around by a “gal with a great personality” – ended up bravely running off and spending the rest of the weekend incommunicado hoping like fk nobody gave her my address!
        I think a lot of superstitions started as commonsense warnings, but we need to have something for the mad and the daft to think about as they wait for Coronation Street.
        I have a superstition about spending money but according to certain Ladies of my acquaintance this is “not a superstition, I am just tight” – I denied this outrageous allegation then demanded a Pound an answer after that..

  2. If only Lord Irvine had told Anthony Blair it was bad luck to go cottaging in 1970s London (allegedly) …..

  4. Good Morning

    The shoes on table thing drives me crazy too but I guess they may have a bit of dog shit on the sole. Anything with images of birds is also considered bad luck and that limits tea towels and stuff.

    An ex girlfriend had been told she had the “gift” of being able to tell the future and that I would marry a Welsh woman and live happily ever after was pretty much spot on. Consequently I do believe in some of this stuff.

  5. I find it’s bad luck to dangle your bollocks in a blender. An old Welsh superstition.

      • Morning Ron, ain’t it just.
        It’s still a good business model, as modern day superstitions, like Obama, Fauchi and Gates getting together to rule/ruin the world are monetized to take advantage of the ‘truth seekers’.
        Wish I’d thought of it!

  7. Lord Adonis has a superstition – never insert the tube of your vacuum cleaner, liberally covered in KY Jelly up your arsehole – it is not only unlucky, (especially if at maximum speed) but results in red faces trying to explain the accident away in A & E.

  10. I talk about the wife being superstitious, but she’s got nothing on my dear old mom and gran.
    Both were really terrified of thunderstorms for some reason. At the merest rumble, they would dash to cover up mirrors and cutlery, because ‘they attract lightning’. They would keep the back door of the house open during the storm, ‘so that if a ball of lightning comes down the chimney, it will roll out the door’.
    I’m not kidding!

    Morning all.

      • Another one of my gran’s was that if you were constipated, sticking a lump of soap up your backside would cure it. Straight up! (no pun intended).

      • Ron et al. !962, Yarnfield Road Primary School Tyseley. Through the window, during a storm, I and everyone else in the class saw Ball Lightning, running along the roof of the Lucas Factory. It fell down and exploded. We all nearly shit blue bricks, even our teacher Mr Barker, bless him. I can never forget it.

      • Great little video Cunty; good find!
        Blimey, maybe one of these fuckers could have come down the chimney after all!

      • Aye, quite even-handed piece for the History Channel (home of Ancient Alien$$$) and the train-track footage is fake as fuck, but the Russian footage is amazing. There’s a red ball-lightning video from the 90s in a field in England zipping about that is freaky. Then there’s those “sprites” (that’s the scientific term) which are some sort of electrical phenomenon which originates from the ground and travels UPWARDS to the sky and hits the atmosphere/Firmament(?!) and are also usually pinkish-red…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4bNQBOlOhk

        Hmm.

    • Bloody hell, my mother was like that too. How the fuck she was moving fast enough to dodge the lightening was beyond me. I used to laugh like fuck, even at a tender age I was a cunt.

      • My grandad had a theory about my mom and gran’s problems with storms.
        He reckoned it was a subconscious fear reaction to the pounding Brum got from the Germans during the war.
        It sounds as plausible as anything else I’ve heard.

  11. There’s an old saying that you should never do any washing or cleaning in the house on New Year’s Eve. So I’ve told Mrs Twatt that as far as I’m concerned, every day of the year is New Year’s Eve.

    Generally though, I don’t believe in superstition, because doing so can bring bad luck.

  12. I bought heather of an old gypsy woman the other week in Hereford ….feared she would curse me if i didn’t – £1.38 in change was worth the risk. CUNTS!

    • The wife and I were passing ‘House of Fraser’ in Brum one time when some dirty gypsy woman thrust a bunch of heather at us. ‘No thanks’ said the wife.
      ‘Then be cursed!’ yells the old bag.
      Quick as a flash, to my amazement and the consternation of the hag, the wife spins around, points at her, and shouts ‘and I call down the curse of the ghosts of the Clan MacDonald upon you! Beware!’.
      The woman looked truly disconcerted.

  13. And the biggest, most full of bullshit total load of bollocks superstition as we enter 2022 – Climate Change.

    Complete with a mad gurning gargoyle (Hi Greta) this one really scares the shit out of idiots and appears to terrorise lefties and vegans in particular.

    So …. sleep with one eye open as Climate Change is coming to get YOU.

  14. Ron:
    It’s only “New Shoes” that should never be put on a table.
    Never put a hat on your bed-which I realise may impact yours & Mrs Knee’s role playing😉

  17. I have to admit to having one.

    I’ll never put shoes on a table. For some reason, I know for a fact that I’m stopping a huge asteroid from hitting us by doing this.

    You should all fucking thank me, you ungrateful cunts.

    • No offence but who the fuck would put shoes on a table anyway?

      Maybe people brought up in a barn?

      • That is true. But if the car is about to jump on the laptop keyboard and you’ve got done shoes in your hand, you might just put them on the table to stop the cat.

        But me? I’d have to get a new laptop probably.

  18. Peacefuls have strange superstitions, such as washing out your nostrils in the morning, because the devil resides there when asleep. Another one is sticking your arse in the air and kissing a carpet to make sure a beardy man doesn’t stop you from raping little girls in the sky.

  19. What you should have done Ron, is put your new shoes on and kicked her cunt off. That would really have been bad luck.

  21. People who say I’m ok “touch wood” and then proceed to touch their head. People having ‘lucky’ pants and socks or some other clothing. Ehh??? Superstitions, luck. Life is what you make of it yourself.

    • I never got the ‘luck’ thing Bob.
      A friend of mine is a keen golfer, and is always going on about how you ‘need a bit of luck’ to your game.
      I asked him once what precisely he meant by that, and all he could come up with was ‘well, you know, you just need a bit of luck’.
      ‘Imagine you’re ten feet from the flag, lining up your putt’, I said. ‘You take various factors into account; lie of the green, wind speed, choice of club, weight on the shot. You judge correctly, the putt is made. You don’t, it isn’t. That’s all there is to it’.
      ‘No, but you still need a bit of luck’, he said.
      For fuck’s sake; he really seems to think that Lady Luck sits on a cloud above him, deciding whether to blow on the ball or not. Daft as a fucking brush.

      • I used to play snooker, usually quite badly with occasional strokes of brilliance, with a friend who thought I was a jammy bastard. One day I told him. precisely what I wanted my next, rather difficult, shot to achieve. It did. His reply? “You jammy bastard!”. Played for and got, you cunt

      • I play golf Ron. Quite shit at it to be honest. It’s all about practise and hard work same with any sport. No such as luck.

      • RK@ – As a golferist myself I have found that the more you practice the luckier you seem to be.
        And “luck” in golf is not getting behind the “all the gear no idea” groups – the speed they play is very frustrating and they do not appear to understand the “let quicker golfers play through” rule.
        And “golf talk” is banned the minute we leave the course.

      • I just hate it when I’m watching a game (of anything) and some cunt commentator yells ‘oh, so lucky/unlucky!’ to some incident.
        No you cunt, it’s not ‘lucky’ or ‘unlucky’. It’s just what fucking actually happened.

      • The ‘luck’ aspect in sports comes from years of practice and hard work.

        From all the repetition the subconscious then takes over the task, and as long as the conscious mind doesn’t interfere with it (emotion, negative chit chat etc), things go to plan. That’s the trick to an enhanced performance.

        Have you ever noticed how your driving becomes sloppier when you realise you have a police car behind you? Same process.

        I think this is why some snooker and darts players perform better when they drink; the conscious mind is paralysed.

        I’m sure even amateurs in the pub have had moments when the balls just go where they’re supposed to. It’s because they’re relaxed, no interference from the ego.

        The best tennis players can come across as cold and unemotional, it’s a similar thing.

  22. Getting laid has always been called “getting lucky”. I disagree. Giving my woman a reason to let me climb on top of her is salesmanship not luck. Especially now that I no longer look like Tom Cruise and more like Shrek.

    • You’re right MC.
      My Uncle Bill once said to me on the subject of women, ‘son make it all about her. Never fails’.
      He was right (well, most of the time).

  23. When I met my first husband he already had a young son, i mentioned it was fri 13th, my boy was born on fri 13 he said so maybe its lucky, our daughter was later born fri 13 as well, we got our decree nisi on oct 31 halloween…always thought it was weird

    • Agreed that one does sound a bit a bit weird tc!

      PS Nice to get a bit of a feminine perspective on here. I’m always saying to the wife that she should put up a few noms, but she reckons that I put up enough for the two of us!

  24. Some bollocks I have heard:

    1. Don’t cross knives on a plate.
    2. Don’t give a gift with blades in it – this will result in a death.
    3. Don’t give a gift of gloves – parting gift.
    4. Don’t put shoes on the table.

    What a fucking load of old shit!

    • Bollocks indeed.
      The missus reckons that the one about umbrellas indoors originated in Scotland, as, naturally, did the superstition about ‘lucky’ white heather.
      She also told me that there’s actually a word for those who have an irrational fear about the number 13. I thought she was having me on, but no; it’s triskaidekaphobia.
      You learn something new every day.

      Evening both.

  25. Worked on a trawler for a bit:

    Large white birds owned by the Queen – all mention forbidden. S**n Vesta matches were also anathema.
    Common larger rodents – ditto. They’re longtails and don’t you forget it.
    The source of all bacon – ditto. Curlytails. Though breakfast was incomplete without large helpings of pork products.
    Nae wimminz aboard, ever. ( The skipper did not observe this rule, but the bollocking he got from his wife when she found out demonstrated the truth of this superstition)
    Ministers of religion, the same. (The skipper was scrupulous about this)
    Spilling salt – throw pinch over shoulder – there was disagreement about which shoulder, though.
    Nae whistling – as in whistling for a wind.

    There were several others, but your I have no wish to test your patience. In summary, they worked, because I never got shipwrecked or drowned.

    • On the contrary K, I for one find this stuff fascinating. It seems that folks’ imaginations know no bounds when it comes to daft superstitions.

    • Long tails & cutly tails are Manx terminologies.
      The fucking Oirish-Scouse cunts👎

  26. You’ve all probably gone to bed but I was told by my older cousin that walking on pavement cracks was bad luck. I was told this about age 5 visiting relatives in Glasgow in the 70s. As you all know Glasgow hadn’t changed that much from WW2’s bombs back then so it was nigh on impossible not to walk on a flaming paving crack and my cousin thoroughly enjoyed watching me try.

    Apart from that I had the usual no shoes on a table, no umbrella open inside, no washing on a Sunday/Christmas, spill salt then shove some more over your left shoulder. Another whacky one was never stir food in a pot anti-clockwise because this calls the Devil; always stir clockwise. The one that creeped me out the most was never sleep with your feet pointing at the door as this brings the undertakers. Huh?

    Years later, all grown up, I moved flats on a Saturday and Mother told me ‘a Saturday flit is a short sit’. I thought she was having a stroke but its Scottish for don’t move house on a Saturday because you won’t be there long or something.

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