Weddings (2)

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Weddings are cunts.

Years ago being married had some benefits, tax relief, mortgages were easier to acquire and you were offered better rates, it gave the illusion you were steady and reliable.

Those times have long since gone and now being married just means that you get to spend £20-£30k minimum on a full day/s vanity project that photographers, cake makers, tailors, caterers prey on.

I could have probably made the cunting purely about photographers, they charge thousands to take social media style, fake photos of the ‘happy’ couple having a great day, but it’s all a sham, every photo is staged to be just like every other cunts wedding photos, that are then used to show off to friends at a later date “look how much of a stupid cunt I was to pay £1000 for these vain photos of me pretending to be enjoying myself”.

Caterers are also cunts, they charge a minimum of £60 per head for absolute shite, cold food that’s usually under/over cooked, it also takes about 2 hours to serve everyone and inevitably the guests are sat with other cunts they neither like nor want to spend any time with.

But by far the worst cunts are the bride and groom, they sanction spending tens of thousands on being a prince and princess for a day, the epitome of the ‘look at me’ generation, I’ve known some people pretend to become religious and go to church so they can get married there. It’s fucking ludicrous, all so they can show off. Get fucked!

I could go on, but I fear this is already running long. Feel free to add to how cuntish weddings are, I think I prefer funerals.

Nominated by: elcuntio

55 thoughts on “Weddings (2)”

  1. If I could turn back the clock to 1964, I would never have got married. Harold Wilson has his “white hot heat of technology”, I got Mrs Boggs, whose heat was always lukewarm

    On the subject of photographers, (we had an old shipmate of mine who had started up a photography business with his demob money, and he charged us, I think £8.10), I think these days more poofters are setting themselves up in business or the “husbands” are getting a bit duckie-ish. The son of a good friend of mine got married two years ago, silly sod, but a nice lad, if a bit swarthy. Their photographer only wanted him to have a touch of the powder puff for the pictures of the happy couple. I didn’t want to ask if he agreed to it. I saw just ne of their photos and it would’nt surprise me…….

  2. There is a small manor house in the village I live which holds regular weddings. There are always party balloons or the remains of Chinese fucking lanterns in the surrounding fields after they have held one.

    • I’d ban those fucking balloons and lanterns…they are a danger to wildlife and stock. I preferred it when people used to release white doves..I could normally pot a brace of the tasty little sods as they flew overhead.

  3. Marriage us a busted flush in the western world, thank fuck.
    So as splendid as this cunting is, it is hopefully becoming irrelevant.
    Last year, only 1 in 20 eligible men got married. We’re finally learning, it seems.
    Martiage must be the only contract where one party (the woman) is rewarded for breaking it.
    If a young work colleague mentions marriage, I tell him how my beautiful, slim mid-20’s bird is now a fat, ugly feminist who’s cost me close to a couple of hundred grand to get shot of. It soon changes their opinion!
    All my mates are late 40’s, married, miserable. All their wives followed the trajectory of mine and are equally miserable and hate my mates (no sex for most of those poor buggers).
    Bollocks to marriage and bollocks to wimmin. They are indeed both utter cunts.

    • Had to do an essay in Russian when at university, in early 80s.
      “Marriage is an institution, and who wants to live in an institution?”
      I managed 26 years, but at the end it wasn’t doing either of us much good. We are much better off as best friends. Weddings?? I’m more looking forward to my own funeral, cheerful sod that I am…

  4. I don’t go to weddings…sponging bride and groom looking for presents.squalling brats,po-faced old maid Great-Aunts,silly drunken young women,boring speeches,dull guests,brow-beaten men and their harridan wives,fat bridesmaids and over-excited Homosexuals…..that and the fact that I’m never invited.

    • Theyre shite aren’t they?
      Boring as fuck in every detail.
      Music, food, clothes, venue, photos, yaaaawn.
      Use your imagination you boring little cunts!
      Get a theme!
      Pirates of the Carribbean
      Planet of the apes
      Colditz
      Anything.
      Only one ive enjoyed was done on the cheap,
      Hot pot buffet and a folk band.
      Had a fuckin marvelous time.

    • What really finished me at weddings was the time I attended one where the best man was a Sooty….I couldn’t stop giggling and pointing…he looked just like Diane Abbott doing a PG Tips advert…he also demonstrate the typical uncouth,chippy attitude that one has come to expect from Dark-Keys when he referred to me as “a drunken old racist”…I was so upset that I had to break off my ad hoc speech which hilariously demonstrated “a Dark-Key in the deep-end of the pool”…involved holding my nose and gurgling “Oh Lordiiee,Lorrdiee….Save dis poor sinner,Masa”.

      I,of course,being a Gentleman removed myself before the Sooty Cunt went all Silverback on me…they just don’t have the decorum necessary to mix with my social class.

      • Cant blame you Dick, you did the right thing.
        Hed of only escalated things screeching and swinging from the chandeliers.
        The only person that can have a best man like that is Filo Beddo.
        Or Johnny Weissmuller.

      • Some days, even the darkest and shitiest, I read IsAC and posts and replies like the above two, and it lifts my mood.

        Thank you chaps 😀👍

    • ‘Silly drunken young women’.

      Those and and the free bar are the only upsides.

  5. On the subject of wedding photographers, my sister kindly offered us the services of a professional photographer friend who works for Vogue.

    Great stuff we thought, until the cheeky cow wanted £1500 for half a day, plus expenses.

    My Dad, being both sharp as a tack and well practiced in frugality, went to the local arts college and managed to get three photography students for the whole day for £550 plus expenses. Total cost £600.
    They took thousands of photos, some good, some not so good. But the variety was fantastic. Only the obligatory family group photos were posed and the rest were completely natural.

    Just an idea of you want to save a few quid.

  6. Sorry, fucking love weddings, free booze, free food, dancing with pissed tarts which may lead to a cheeky knee trembler later in the night.
    I even enjoyed my own!!

  7. We went to a wedding some years ago, at a big country pile. The young couple were big Lord of the Rings fans and the assembled throng had to endure a large chunk of the soundtrack.
    A roving photographer captured the images of an enthralled congregation, for posterity.
    My bitter malevolence is a joy to behold, a photograph I shall cherish for ever. Ollie would have been impressed.
    One of the few highlights of a grim day.
    Weddings are good when you’re the best man, a shag is a copper bottomed, gold plated guarantee.
    Good morning.

  8. Funny you mention the church thing. There is this lovely old village church and an old mate of mine (not now he’s a cunt) and his sort wanted to marry in.

    They’d never been in a fucking church and were told, quite rightly in my opinion, by the local vicar to get fucked as they’d never used it. He said they’d need to be regulars for him to consider marrying them there and that he got loads of requests – so only genuine Christians could only get a genuine Christian wedding off him.

    So they went, twice a week, including Sundays. And took part in meetings/fundraisers etc.

    The vicar then said he’d marry them, holding them to their promise that they weren’t just using him to get married in the church.
    You can guess what came next.
    Got married by the vicar in the picturesque church and they never went again.

    That to me is cuntish. Fair enough, if you’re not religious. But don’t pretend to be, just to show off a few nice photos and to ‘make my wife feel like a pwincess for the day’ FFS.

    Fuck off

    • I agree, but that vicars a right gullible cunt.
      I understand he
      doesn’t want any riff-raf rocking up, keep it all under one roof like, but hes preaching to the converted.

      Oh .

      • Oh aye, but they went for about 6 fucking months to convince him. Even put the wedding date back.

        Sneaky. Narcissistic as fuck too.

    • If I was the Vicar,I’d have gone round to their house,put their windows out,taken a shit on their doorstep and challenged them to a fistfight.
      There’s a lot to be said for Muscular Christianity and The Reverend Ian Paisley.

      • “Neverrrrr”

        He’d have kneecapped the cunts in front of their crying children.

        Top man.

  9. Fortunately, my missus is very much grounded, realistic and not at all the typical grasping, selfish, annoying, nagging married old hag!

    She even proposed our wedding in a registry office and share paying the £30 for the licence and £500 for the reception afterwards, with only about 20-25 close family members and friends invited.

    Neither of us wanted the flash church wedding, which pissed off a few friends and relations (and were subsequently not invited to either the wedding or the reception).. And in terms of wedding gifts, we said in our invites that it was totally voluntary, and that if you wanted to buy us a gift please keep it below £50. (Some did but quite a few didn’t and bought gifts well above that!)

    So it was a very basic (cheap, some would call it), wedding, and a 2 week honeymoon in deepest Devon and Cornwall. Nothing over the top, not a huge headache to organise, and we were both relieved that it well went very well the way WE wanted it!

    I guess I got lucky with my choice of wife. But I doubt I would ever get married again. I have loads of porn and copious amounts of wank socks to keep me happy should anything happen to the missus and her rather nice life insurance and NHS pension pot!

    • Techno@
      If you ever remarry,
      Dont worry about the ‘below £50 gifts’ thing for your chums on ISAC.
      Its a given. Hahahaha 😂
      Some of these cunts will go halves on a selection box,
      Tightest fuckers this side of the Edinburgh synagogue.👍

      • Selection box?

        What do you think I am, Lord Rothschild?

        If I find any old toffees down the back of my sofa, you can have them and be thankful, you cheeky bugggerr.

      • They can have the hazelnuts I saved from Quality Street, after I’ve liked off chocolate and caramel.

  10. I also worked with a right cunt who invited me to his wedding. Couldn’t stand the cunt (nobody could), but a few mates were going so I accepted the invite.

    It must’ve cost a fortune. Really lavish reception at a stately home , he’d booked. Ended up enjoying the evening, even if the groom was an utter cunt (just a nasty piece of work – you know the sort). He only came over to talk to ask how much our weddings had cost, just so he could scoff and say ‘pathetic’. And ‘this is what a real wedding looks like.’

    Anyway, it gets better better, his wife found a new fella and left him after a fucking week. A week lol.

    He loved making fun about the misfortune of others too (in a nasty way, not jokey way) and I loved seeing this cunt walk about with a face like a slapped arse, after he’d spunked god knows what on his joke ‘marriage’

    So weddings aren’t all bad.

  11. I’ve never met a bloke who wanted to go in for the ‘big wedding’ pish. It’s all about the bride wanting to swank it for her mates.
    And let’s not forget the malign influence of the mother in law to be on events of course…

    Great cunting, this one.

  12. What pisses me off is the wedding present list.
    What they want, were to buy it.
    Most couples have been living together for years cheeky cunts, probably got cheaper versions already.
    Mrs C’s nephew wanted cash for his ‘honeymoon’. Little cunt earns a fortune at Ernst & Young.
    Oh! and let’s not forget those luvverly wedding snaps of the pregnant land whale wearing the marquee and her two brats – always a joy to see traditional values being kept. 🤔

  13. Even worse is the bride-to-be in the workplace, boring everyone rigid with her wedding plans for about two years in advance, and the hen party planning.

  14. Mrs CuntyMort and I got married for £200. She and I did the reception, friends Mil and Fil my uncle and cousin the couple who introduced us. Job done. Added bonus my cousin went raving to my estranged sister telling her what a lovely do it was, she rang me up calling me all sorts of cunts for not inviting her. My response was, well you didn’t approve of marrying divorcees. Cunt she was my sister.

  15. Brides wearing white dresses to depict being a virgin too always raises a chuckle.

    Fucking hell, some of the tarts I’ve seen wearing these have been through half the fucking guest list.

    • I’m not interested in weddings and I don’t go to funerals either. If I’d met a woman who I couldn’t do without, we’d have lived together. It wouldn’t have had anything to do with anyone else. And if I regret that someone’s died I think about them and wish it hadn’t happened. I don’t feel the need to prove to anyone that I’m in mourning. These public displays are for cunts and I don’t take part.

  16. And the obligatory playing of ‘New York, New York’ at the end can fuck off an’ all.

      • I’ve been to several wedding receptions where they play that song at the end of the night. Everyone is supposed to get up, loop arms and kick out their legs to the song.

        Fucking bollocks it is.

      • I attended one wedding where the bride walked along the aisle to Evanescence. The Vicar made a little jibe about it.

        Still, they’re a lovely couple.

  17. There are no benefits to marriage anymore, it’s just a bygone tradition and offering a tax benefit to married couples just proof of that, no tax benefit in the world is worth fucking up you life and someone else’s just so as you can say your married, legally if live together more than 6 months your common in law married anyway.
    So mention each other in your wills if you die, if you want to split up that’s easier so your not stuck together either….
    My partner and I dread getting invited to weddings, it’s always the same pretentious bollocks, we’re the lucky couple spunk 20 to 30 k up the wall that they can’t afford, so they spend the best part of marriege in the shit financially, so the first 5 or 10 years are spent arguing, and the kids and no more sex.
    Soon the happy Couple have an affair and then trial sepperations, kids being used as leverage, who gets the dog ect.
    Then you realise you prefer your freedom and don’t want to go back to the 7th circle of hell, so divorce time, no matter how skint it makes you it’s better than going back to that life.
    Your ex Mrs decides to try to teach you a lesson she, s going to fuck half the world, the muppet doesn’t realize the jokes on her and when she meets her next victim he, s going to be sleep I inderectly with I reckon about 40 or 50 other guys( god help him if he ever gets a blood test)…
    So marriage, Just Say Fuck No

  18. I got married once, to make my girlfriend happy. Less than seven years later I’d have made her happier if I’d slit my wrists. Never marry a cheat, they never change. She was with someone else when we met, and started seeing me behind his back, telling me their relationship was dead, and all over bar the shouting. When I said I’d take her in, she dumped him like a hot turd, and moved in with me. Fast forward twelve years and she did the same to me, and then it was clear that she lied to me from the beginning, as I now know my predecessor had no idea their relationship was finished until I’d made a commitment to her. She obviously doesn’t do single, as it’s clear that she told new cunt the same pony about me, and when he made a commitment, that’s when I got the shove. I know she’s lied to him too, about me, and other details which became clear with the divorce petition. No doubt when she tires of this cunt it will be her go to exit strategy.
    I have done many reckless things in my time. I’ve hung off cliffs and bridges, been shot at and nearly blown myself up, been set on fire, several times, jumped off waterfalls, silly jumps on motorbikes, hung on to the roof of a speeding vehicle, and many more stupid things.
    But by far, the most reckless thing I’ve done is have unprotected sex with my ex wife.

    • Are you Lee Majors or Johnny Knoxville?

      Yeah. I’ve had a tart like that too, but luckily we didn’t marry (lived together for 5 years though). She was single when we met and dumped me out of the blue for no reason. Was never given one and it fucked me up for a bit. Just went cold overnight, said she was sleeping in the spare room from now and was moving out in a few weeks and to not talk to her. She said there was no one else. That sort of thing fucks you up, believe me. One week later I call her about arranging for her to collect some shit of hers, when a bloke answers. I find out off a workmate they’d been at it for months. A few years later does exactly the same thing to this bloke.

      Some birds are cunts, but they can get away with shit like that while a bloke gets crucified for it. I can see why Muslims stone women to death for this shit, because at the time I’d have said she deserved it lol

      Was the best thing in the end though (her dumping me). Got a much better sort in the end (still married 17 years on) who isn’t a complete cunt.

      • My ex literally went cold overnight, woke up a different person. It was like invasion of the body snatchers, however it took three years to get her out of my life, took me to my lowest ebb, and considered checking out a couple of times.
        More Knoxville than Majors, a misspent youth followed by an immature adulthood. Didn’t have the Xbox back then, we had to make our own fun!

      • I completely get the bodysnatcher for no reason thing.

        Fucking evil thing to do to someone, particular evil to do to a spouse/long term partner, but fuck them and don’t ever let the cunts bring you down too much. I learned that one and I don’t think anything could fuck me up mentally now. Even if things became hopeless in 30 years time, and the BLM mob took over and started rounding us honkies up, I wouldn’t go quietly, if you catch my drift.

        The old adage, ‘don’t let the bastards grind you down’ is true.

      • Indeed. A guy I used to know reasonably well topped himself by setting his car on fire while he was inside after his wife told him to leave. I couldn’t fathom how someone could even contemplate suicide, even over a woman. Three months later I began to understand. So glad I didn’t.
        Where there’s life, there’s hope.

      • The tables can turn too. The fact is though, that I wasn’t that bothered when I found out she is now fat, single and broke with a daughter who doesn’t speak to her. I thought I’d be jumping around laughing, but the victory is that she means fuck all now.

        Meanwhile, I have a decent job, nice Mrs and (although not perfect by a long fucking stretch) am reasonably happy (well at least some of the time).

        Although I understand why men top themselves when such things happen. You can just be sent a bit mental if psychologically abused by a wife/partner, if you’ve never experienced it before.

        Recognise it and be a complete cunt back instead of treading on eggshells if that game is played (bodysnatcher overnight shite). Looking back, I should’ve been a cunt by doing annoying stuff like using the kitchen when she did, while she stayed until she moved out, staying in the bath making her late for work, inviting mates (and tarts) around to have all night parties and loads of other stuff, like paving over the garden she’d spent so much time on. And been a complete cunt about splitting things we owned and been a bastard using solicitors at every turn to communicate. I was too magnanimous about it looking back.

        If someone is being a cunt with you and you have to be around them for a bit, be an even bigger cunt back.

      • I couldn’t kick off and call her out, mainly because I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of calling me a cunt any more than she already had, and by the time it was over, it was too late, she was some other cunts problem.
        When I did get my divorce certificate through though, I had that feeling you get when you’ve sold a car you knew was fucked, and it was no longer yours to worry about.

  19. Civil wedding here, low key meal and reception for family and friends who we gave a shit about.
    Bought ourselves a two year old Land Rover with our extremely hard earned cash and spent two weeks touring the West Country, having wild passionate sex in amazing settings-caves, beaches, river banks, forests etc 👍

    Been to a few lavish weddings-boring, over priced and not at all memorable.

  20. Weddings are about as thrilling as watching a girder rust. But even worse than weddings are wedding receptions. Screaming kids sliding about on the floor, relatives getting on your tits, discos with a cunt DJ, loud, finger food that has been touched and coughed on by about forty people before you. I’d rather dip my danglers in a piranha pool thank you very much.

  21. Wimmin turn into total cunts when a wedding is imminent.

    They see it as a fashion competition and they all bitch about each other and who is wearing what. Feminist solidarity, my arse.

    Also, they spend a fortune on bits of crap like a fascinator (a piece of crap for those who aren’t classy enough to buy a decent hat). They also make an immense fuss about weddings and attempt to hijack the whole shebang. They also want the men to dress up like the penguins from Mary Poppins and be on their best behaviour. Then, after lecturing men about how to behave, the tarts are pissed out of their minds and squawking ‘I Will Survive’ while stood on the table.

    My own wife (the lovely Mrs Norman) was great at our wedding. But her friends and relatives were just like what I’ve been going on about. Cunts who wanted to take the whole thing over.

    And my ex and her mother were two of the biggest cunts on the planet…

  22. I can’t remember who said it now, but there’s a quote about marriage that I like. Good something like this:

    “Go out, find someone ugly that you don’t like, and buy them a house”

  23. Very occasionally, I wonder if I might have been more fulfilled if I had worked hard at school, gone to Oxbridge, greased the right people, become a merchant banker, married, settled down, strapped a mortgage on my back, and raised 2.45 ungrateful brats. Would I? The question answers itself.

    So thank you, cunters, for confirming my very conscious decision not to. Weddings are great if you don’t know anyone there and access to the drink is unrestricted.

  24. There’s nothing wrong with attending weddings, unless it’s your own.

    If you’re lucky, you end up in a hotel room with your face buried in the tits of a 22 year-old bridesmaid.

    If you’re unlucky you can keep drinking until you forget where you are.

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