Yarn Spinners & Plot Tellers

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I like a good plot in a book or film but I hate when people insist on telling it to you. My wife and mother-in-law just love to recount everything they can recall about some shit film or TV series they have been watching. My mother-in-law goes even further by telling us about meals she had 40 years earlier. “I had a fantastic steak in a restaurant in Sorrento in 1973. It came with stuffed mushrooms and a risotto and was cooked just the way I like it. The service was wonderful and the toilets were very clean.” Big deal!

Another irritating habit they have is to read bits of the newspaper out to each other at breakfast. As I am always up hours before them, have already eaten and read the rag, I know what it says so I don´t want to hear it again. Shut up both of you!

Nominated by: Mr Polly

Seconded by: Jessum Priest

Mr. Polly. You sort of had something there, but kind of spoiled it by making it a rant about wife and MIL.

Try this. I hate it when someone recommends a book to me, I’m a big reader, then spoils it by telling me what it’s about, including the shock ending.

Utter, utter cunts.

77 thoughts on “Yarn Spinners & Plot Tellers”

  1. I can’t stand it when someone recommends a film to you by telling you what happens in every second of the film, beginning to end. Not only is it boring but it ruins the film.

  2. No way I can be accused of giving the ending away..indeed,at school we used to rip the last few pages out of the Sherlock Holmes,Agatha Christie and Dorothy L. Sayers books in the library.

    Fuck the swotty Cunts…they should have been out playing rugby.

    • There was the time you told a packed of screening of Star Wars that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker’s father, Dick.

      • ‘fraid not,LL…..I know nothing about Star Wars. I consider cinemas to be the haunt of Gays and other assorted degenerates….if it’s not on the Talking Pictures channel.I probably haven’t seen it.

      • Beware Dick – a lot of the films shown on Talking Pictures contain ‘outdated atitudes’.

        Sorry if I’ve spoilt it for you.

  3. You should show some patience with the elderly, id love to know more about this steak your mother-in-law had.
    Although im doubtful a Spaniard cooked it?
    Probably dripping in olive oil and shite, garlic and stuff?
    Maybe she made it up?
    Old people can be right fuckin liars!!
    Id ask for proof.

    • I’ve been to Sorrento.
      Full of cunts.
      Great meatball sandwiches however.
      Quite close to Pompeii also.
      There ends my travelogue.

      • I worked with a fella from Sorrento and can quite safely say he was indeed a fucking greasy i tai shit cunt.

  4. My Nan Nan used to have the annoying habit of asking crossword clues all the time. My Grandad had just finished a 6-2 shift in the steelworks and just wanted to read the Sheffield Star and be left alone. Cue Nan Nan to ask him on a crossword clue “6,4,8. Long drawback”. To which my Grandad replied “Elephants foreskin”.

    • Absolutely brilliant, Bob.

      My other half, no longer with us, was a crossword genius, but would get stuck on occasion.

      Id get asked some extremely cryptic clue, with number of words, spaces, etc.

      But before I could even venture an answer, I’d get ” of course! Well done love” For what? Breathing? Used to drive me daft. Happy days.

  5. Next time you see someone reading the Bible just say you`ve read it, then say: the Devil did it. That ought to spoil it.

    • I once saw a great cartoon in the Spectator.
      Someone leaving church and meeting another.
      ‘What was the sermon about?’ ‘
      ‘Sin’
      ‘What did he say about it?’
      ‘He said he was against it’.

  6. An ex-friend of mine told me the twist ending of The Usual Suspects, while we were queuing outside the cinema!

    I was mightily pissed off with him, and asked him why he had to be such a cunt. He replied by saying “Because I can!”

    A few weeks later, and after telling him to fuck off, I keyed his car. He probably suspected it was me, but couldn’t prove it.

    I hate cunts who just can’t help themselves but give away endings to books, films or TV shows. Sad fuckers.

  7. The absolute worst retelling to listen to is a kid describing their video game to me. Kids can’t recount anything in a captivating way as it is, but then to get a play by play recounting of a video game session from one is pure torture. I suffered through a couple times but now I don’t give a fuck. I tell them, “I’m glad you enjoyed the game but I really don’t care. Sorry.” My daughter as never tried again.
    Life lesson: make sure the person you tell something to will actually care about what you have to say.

    • I’m with you here MC. I love my granddaughter to bits but to hear her grinding on & on about the animé she’s zoning on makes me zone out.

      I’ve tried the ” I don’t understand what you are talking about ” but she just goes into greater detail.

      Shoot me now!

  8. Your mother-in-law hates you, Mr Polly.

    Every time you say something or do something, she is always watching you, judging you, mocking you! She is disappointed her daughter ended up with you too, when she could have done better by marrying her first love who runs a successful dentist chain.

    How’s that for spoiling the plot?

    😀

  9. The picture at the top is a worrying motley crew:

    Jacka-Is-A-Cunt
    Starring from bottom left clockwise:
    Paul “infamy” Maskinback, then “Just Good Friend” Cuntologist, Miserable Northern Cunt, Liberal “Luverly” Liquidator, Captain Cribbins Magnanimous, and bottom centre, Ruff Tuff “eee, fancy that” Creampuff.

  10. Haha yeah kids these days all they do is play games and then when you try to engage them it’s play by play of the last boss they took down. Then if I walk away I because my brain is going to take a shit out my mouth I’m the one who feels like a cunt. I do get them back with my take on how the worlds going down the shitter now socialism’s on the rise.

    • Are they familiar with Greta yet? More than cruel but you could tell them the world is on fire and we’re all going to die, unless Greta. Plenty of children are already shit scared of this.

      • Unless Greta?

        Greta Thunderbird Puppet comes to the rescue with her mighty cooling breath, and put the fire out, perchance?

        Do you think I could sue Greta for promising climate change & failing to deliver?

      • We live near the California and I tell them a story called: “When the Fire Winds Came”, where the environmentalists took charge and jailed everyone underground everyone who doesn’t recycle. Underlying themes are freedom vs the Greenie Commies. Puts them to sleep at bedtime it does.
        Sometimes I threaten to take them to the beach and make them pick up trash.

      • @JP I haven’t a clue if we’re in climate change or not.

        Feel sorry for little children who are told the earth is ending in 10 years.

  11. FFS. This is the first cunting I’ve seen over the years where the seconder starts off criticising the proposer!
    Do me a favour Jessum Priest and don’t ever second any of my nominations.

    • Hehehe 😀👍

      Great post!
      I thought it was bleedin rubbish though!
      😀

      • Jessum Priest@
        In the forthcoming ISAC hate trial do you mind if I dont use you as a defence witness?
        😀😀

      • Joking Jessum.
        But if I was fighting for my liberty ala Derek Chauvinist,
        Im just going to blame everything on Ruff & LL.

      • Fair enough, MNC.

        I live in Sheffield & I had my smooth edges made rough when I moved to this estate years ago.

        What’s that song?

        Caught in a trap.

        Can’t sell the fucking house for decent money, can’t buy anything else somewhere decent, can get a mortgage, but fuck me, I’m 67, do I want my kids to have to sort that kind of shit out?

      • Sorry to hear that Jessum.
        I know Sheffield a bit through work and hear the Sheffield accent all the time when in Castleton.
        Few lads on here from Sheffield.
        My Grandad and dad swore by Sheffield steel, cutlery, knifes etc.
        “Best steel in t world lad’..
        😀👍

  12. The wacky story that NA$A told us for 60 years was impressive until we started waking up…

    • I suppose that relates to the ‘fake’ moon landings. Funny Michael Collins died yesterday. I suppose his gone to his eternal rest keeping that secret.

      • I mean Neil and Buzz had to learn to bounce up and down faking zero gravity but what about Collns? I suppose he had to learn to literally ‘moon’ out the window at the…er….moon.

      • Don’t think so. Buzz Lightyear is always coming up. Everyone always forgot about poor old Collins.

      • ‘moon’ out the Command Module…

        Anyway, I think of all the stupid conspiracy theories this one pisses me off the most

      • To me it’s incredible that anyone can seriously believe that the moon landings were faked. Of all the dumb conspiracy theories this is the dumbest.

      • MMCM@
        Seems incredible but some people genuinely do believe it!
        Something about the flag fluttering or something?
        They reckon it was filmed in some tv studio.
        Crackers.

      • That’s right. I’ve heard that one, MNC. Conspiracy theorists think it’s evidence of wind on an earth based location! The flag looks as if it’s fluttering because the weak gravity on the Moon is not strong enough to entirely uncrumple it, that’s all.

      • Buzz Aldrin’s a Deadpool favourite of mine.

        I did like the footage of him chinning that basement dwelling tinfoil hat wearer, who called him a coward and a liar to his face.
        Thought he could talk shit to an octogenarian and he’d just stand there and take.

        https://youtu.be/7Y-Pc0cz-9o?t=48

    • NASA’s narrative just doesn’t add up in 2021. It may have fooled the world for decades but not now. So the question is: what’s the REAL story about our world/cosmos? Exciting times ahead, unless we enter a dumbed down dystopia…

    • Nah, NASA are full of shit. The cat is out of the bag in 2021. Look into it yourself as millions have. No one is buying their fake videos now.

  13. I’ve never met anyone who gives a blow by blow account of a book or film and luckily haven’t met anyone who reveals an ending. If I did then I think I would tell them thanks, then immediately swoon/pretend I just had vision of how they are going to die “I’ve just seen how you’re going to die, er, how it ends for you.” Then walk away.

    • That chap standing outside the theatre showing The Mousetrap shouting, “It was the butler!” definitely wasn’t me.

      • Top!

        Never did see The Mousetrap. It seemed to run for ages. Lol, what’s it about and what happens in it?!

  14. My mother is a bit of a culprit here. She’ll see a film which is of no interest to me and then will relate the entire story from start to finish. Every plot and tedious subplot, every single character, not forgetting to tell me about the illegitimate love child of the main character’s long lost half-sister, who was adopted at birth, but never knew her real mother who died in a train crash in 1952 etc… you get my drift.

  15. Judy Dench in the picture above looks like someone has placed a Tupperware mixing bowl on her head and cut any hair off that is poking out from beneath it.

  16. I really enjoy watching romantic films.
    The theme is consistent and they always finish so beautifully.
    I share these films with friends but I would never dream of telling them about the ending.
    He pulls his fucking monster cock out of her baggy old arsehole and knocks one out on her scabby face is just stating the obvious.

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