Timpsons – Under Pressure

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A bit of multiple cunting but please hear/read me out.

I used to have a bit of wedge and owned a Omega Seamaster, a Tag Carrera and a Rolex Oyster. Nice collection of watches. Through chance and circumstance (caused mostly by myself) I pawned the Tag and Rolex – the service charges, especially if they’re broken, are more expensive than servicing a car.

That said, I keep the Omega because it’s quartz and needs a battery as opposed to being mechanical/automatic (working off the kinetic energy when you wank).

I then bought a Royal London watch (not an insurance freebie, you cunts) which has a Miyota movement – a Citizen watch’s movement that is one of the most reliable and sold worldwide.

I had three quartz watches (the Omega, the RL and a Casio Pro-Trek. The battery on the Pro-Tek (200m of water pressure resistant) ran out so I took it to Timpsons to replace the battery. Their operative (I use this word lightly) did the replacement there and then and did admit that, perhaps, the 200m resistance would not be effective. However, he did day that 100m of effectiveness would be the product of his work. Plus Timpsons give you a lifetime guarantee on their work.

Needless to say, I went for a swim during October (during the brief unlockdown) and it misted up. 100m? It couldn’t even do 1m. Cunts. They took my watch and sent it to their factory. When it came back, I wore it in the shower and it conked out. CUNTS.

The added problem I have is that my Omega and the RL watch need new batteries and the only place I want to to take them is Watch Lab, who did this shit properly. However, I can’t because of fucking lockdown.

One positive is that I’ve bought a Citizen eco watch which uses light to power itself.

Dry cleaning, shoe heels and new keys – go to Timpsons.
For watches, Timpsons are CUNTS. Fuck ’em.

Nominated by: Dark key cunt 

https://www.timpson.co.uk/

79 thoughts on “Timpsons – Under Pressure”

  1. Get an I-phone…….you get the time from a stattalight (as Del Boy used to say). Don’t take it in the fucking shower.

    Cushti.

    • New iPhones are showerproof and capable of being immersed up to two meters… in case you need wank material in the showers or have to selfie your bawbag to shave it….

  2. Not being cheeky Dark Key Cunt,
    But why did you take a watch to Timpsons?
    Keys yeah, segs or laces, yeah.
    But not a watch.
    Your not going through a ‘mr Magoo’ phase are you?

    • Very Chestertonian, RTC. Bottoms up! Not in a Barrymore sort of way, you understand…

      • Back now Belinda – pub was shut for some reason.

        This country is finished.

  4. Brought a Rolex about 20 years ago in Dubai airport.
    Not a fortune. Stainless Steel AirKing.
    I paid about £800 for it.
    5 years ago it needed to be serviced and the bill came in at 400 euros.
    When I complained to the guy in the main dealer he offered me 5.000 euros for it, cash.
    I didn’t sell it because I didn’t need the money at the time.
    Best investment ever….. But shit at keeping the time.

    • I bought a Rolex Submariner from a 6’6″ African on a market in majorca.
      He was wearing a kaftan and a fez and swore blind it was genuine.
      I managed to haggle the cunt down to €15.

    • They really are a good investment. I bought a Sea Dweller for £3k about 12 years ago. I reckon I’ve almost tripled my cash. Plus I’ve worn it and enjoyed it.

      • Similar story with my President, bought in 2015 for 7k sold 2018 for ￡9200.

      • I would like to see which bank or Isa would guarantee that sort of return!

      • You can’t buy Rolex sports watches now. The demand is so high that there’s a long waiting list which you can’t get onto unless you’ve already spent a ton of dosh at the jewellers on useless baubles. They also keep the watch papers for a year so you can’t flip it for a profit the next day. The whole situation has became a pile of wank.

      • Personally, I don’t do Rolex.

        Although they hold their value, they are a bit common and clunky. They make over 850,000 pieces a year, so not particularly rare either.

        Went into a Rolex dealer in Funchal a couple of years back and asked after a Daytona, a Submarina and a GMT. Admittedly just to flip for double the price.

        Thats €40k cash. Over the counter. Today.

        The cunt had them in stock but would only sell them to his ‘very best customers’.

        He has been in lockdown for a year. No trade through the door in all that time as everyone else on the island is subject to a curfew.

        Thats a really shit marketing strategy, Rolex.

  5. If I was 200 metres under water, whether my watch was keeping accurate time would be the least of my fucking concerns.

    • Indeed at 200 metres down…

      Maybe regretting crossing that mafia guy

      Or wondering if that next depth charge will crush the pressure hull

      • Rich dark keys have Rolex watches Mr Fiddler.
        Why would they need a waterproof watch if they cannot float? Answer me that.

        Another point,- I am sure Jay Z and Beyonce have z supersized swimming pool in their mansion.
        Once again why would they need it if they can’t swim?

      • I mean if there was a picture ofJayZ and Beyonce cavorting in the pool, splashing about you’d have say they were in the shallow end and not the deep end? That’s untenable.

      • Evening,Miles.

        I expect they have a waterproof Rolex because whoever they stole it from bought a waterproof Rolex.

        Jay z and Beyonce may well have a swimming-pool….I’ve got an antique campaign chest of drawers….doesn’t mean that I was with The Duke of Wellington at Waterloo.

      • Beyoncé’s ample knockers will keep her afloat. Jay Z would sink like a stone and good riddance to the cunt.

      • Fucks Sake,Admin…I thought you’d holed me below the water-line there….but they’re not actually in the water,are they?…Yes,any Sooty can jump into a swimming-pool but they WILL sink….just as would have been proved if the photographer had kept clicking away when the Jay Z actually splashed-down….and promptly sank without trace.

        Sooty skin absorbs water…plus Sooties have denser bones than normal people….no wonder they sink like breeze-blocks. FACT.

      • Dick, you’re right about the complete inability of the blêx to swim.
        Never been seen on an Olympic podium for good reason.
        As for Timpson’s, anyone else notice they seldom display their prices? I always get the feeling Im being ripped off in there.

      • @RTC…you can see the look of terror on their faces…fuck me,he’s trying to use the kid as a float.

      • Good Evening,Harold

        I saw a clip of an elephant performing in a circus…dressed up in a pink tutu,dancing around on it’s hind legs to some classical music shite….doesn’t mean that the elephants in The Serengeti are capable of producing a decent performance of Swan Lake.

        These examples that you have provided only prove that the Sooties involved are the exceptions that prove the rule…The White Man who taught them, like the circus trainer,has defied the laws of Nature…and God.

      • Nah, it’s done with smoke and mirrors, trick photography, CGI, the power of suggestion… Derren Brown eat yer heart out.

      • @Dick. When you mentioned dancing elephants I had an instant mental picture of Flabbott in a tutu

        I think I need to have a lie down.

  6. Timosons-partner of the probation services, ergo: manned by ex-cons.
    🤔

    • I heard that, CG. That they use the old ‘CS’ types as staff in some branches. Clobber someone? Drive while pissed? Part of Stakipani grooming gang? Timpsons will have yer.

      • CS types, Norman? Steady on there, old chap. The Cat B HMP where I was remanded has a “relationship” with several businesses (a big one was Remploy) Timpsons was not one.

        I believe they do have a “special relationship” with several Cat D prisons, certainly HMP Sudbury and Kirkham. I believe some dispersal prisons (like HMP Franklands, Full Sutton and Long Lartin) have some loose “contracts” with Timpsons.

        In reality, if course, there are many businesses on the outside which are fed with ex-prisoners. Mostly illegal practices of course, but there are on or two legal practitioners in there too. Mostly people who were remanded but not convicted, like me.

        CS types, indeed.

  7. I expect the shoe shiner who changed your battery either mangled your watch back gasket when removing the back or didn’t put it back in at all, hence no longer water resistant. The seal should be lightly coated with silicone grease at any rate.

    Timpsons indeed! Lol.

  8. You lost me at Omega although I am prepared to belive that Timpsons are cunts.

  9. It’s not just watches – Timsons can’t even re-sole shoes properly and charge as much as a new pair for the privilege. They are cunts before you even begin to think about watches!

    (Cobblers! lol – DA)

    • I took my van to have its exhaust replaced.
      They fucked it right up!
      And made a right mess of grooming the dog.
      Timpsons are fuckin useless.

  10. I have had a Rolex GMT since 2003. I save hard to buy it and now it’s worth more than I paid for it. It never comes of my arm – in bed, the shower, swimming, wanking – it’s always on. Only have it serviced by Rolex and being mechanical, it never needs a battery. It works flawlessly.

    Now my late father had an Omega Quartz and it was a hassle – Omega said if anyone but them changed the battery the warranty was invalid so he gave up on it and started wearing his 1958 mechanical Cyma instead, which never let him down. I still have that watch and it works perfectly while the Omega is still waiting for a battery.

    So always get a mechanical watch and never take it to those twats at Timpsons, even if it costs more to service.

  11. I have a 1975 Pulsar P4 Executive. The Pulsar was the world’s first digital watch and at US$2000 was the most expensive watch in the world. Roger Moore wore the earlier P3 in Live and Let Die.

    The P4 is battery hungry and needs two cells. I have the factory tool that removes the watch back so I can change batteries myself.

    • That’s a cool watch. Digital watches were so exciting in the 70’s. I used to lust after them in the window of jewellery shops during school lunch breaks until the jewellers got fed up with my drool ruining their nice clean windows.

      • The P4 especially is rocketing in price. I bought mine with a mint case and bracelet but with a knackered module for around £150, 5 years ago.

        I has the module rebuilt and it is now a high days watch. Good ones are fetching anywhere between £500 and £1000 on the bay of flea.

  12. I had a Cartier Tank watch which I thought looked great on my lady wrist. Service cost £500.

    One day I took it off and put it on the kitchen island because it had stopped and it was time for a service. A few days later I went to check it was still where I put it; gone. £2000 of watch I suspect was scooped into the bin by my other half never to be seen again.

    I own a £12 watch from Sainsburys now!

    (I still own a Sinclair Black Watch from 1976 I think. Cost around £17.99, and was a real eye-catcher for its time, ha! Doesn’t work now of course, even with new batteries. Wasn’t waterproof either; and the push buttons broke all too easy – a typical Sinclair product really – DA)

    Sinclair Black Digital Watch

    • @ admin: I was the first kid to get a digital watch in my primary school, aged 6 or so, for my birthday.
      Some cunt knicked it😢

    • Quite like that; very minimalist, like a Tank watch in a Japanese style. Working ones go for a few quid I see.

      I got given a Swatch for passing O levels; shudder.

  13. I’ve not worn a watch since the 1980s.

    It was during an especially heavy session with Hyphaloma Cyanescens sourced from the local park that I came to know that time is merely an illusion.

    Except when setting the HDD machine to record Judge Judy, that is.

    • I don’t wear a watch either.
      Always broke them working.

      Anyone got the time?

  14. Watches are allergic to me. All I have to do is strap one on to my wrist & phsst! The fucking thing stops working.

    Maybe I’ve got two poles, or equators, or moons orbiting. I don’t know.

    Thank all the Gods for mobile phones. Now if I need to know the accurate time when outdoors, all I have to do is remember to take the blasted thing with me.

    That’s if I can remember where I left it!

    Shit, fuck & shit.

    • I was like that Jessum when i was a kid…could stop any (mechanical) watch.
      Oddly this quirk dissapeared around the same time i became a man in the biblical sense. True that.

  15. I have an Omega Seamaster…but not the quartz Dark key cunt, I have the automatic. It’s more expensive and better as it’s all motion powered. I only take my Burberry sport daytime watches to Timpsons, anything worth over 500 paaaahnd goes to approved service providers.
    Go fuck yourselves.

  16. Easter greetings cunters…I hope you are all enjoying your Easter eggs and the weather.

  17. The cunts at Timpsons broke Mrs Terry ‘s Longines.
    I made them pay for a new one then sold it and bought her a nice Oris.
    I’ve owned some lovely watches but can’t be fagged with the service costs so it’s mostly quartz or solar for me now.
    I recommend Citizen as oven proof.

  19. Timpsons are not specialists (one of my mates is the manager of the local branch and he sometimes calls me for advice if he has a watch in & needs some info) and with any watch it’s imperative to replace the battery with tweezers and not let fingers touch it (the residue on fingers can damage the contact areas) and with a waterproof one always replace the gasket on the watch back and make sure the right gasket is used – some are fitted lubricated, some are not.
    I do quite a lot of watch repair – the quartz ones are usually just a case of replacing the battery (Renata batteries are the best choice) – if this doesn’t work then unless the watch has a degree of value throw away.
    Mechanical wind and automatic watches are a bit more of a proposition but if they have stopped ticking they are usually overwound so is’s a case of releasing the spring pressure whilst keeping the movement in the case or the grease in the mechanism has gone hard in which case a few drops of solvent to dissolve it, wait 24 hours for the the solvent to dissipate and then re-lubricate and gently knock the watch on a hard surface – 9 times out of ten this is all that’s needed.
    I buy a lot of damaged expensive watches and so far I have managed to repair most of them, I got back the significant sum I paid out on equipment with the first one I fixed.
    Want a good watch that costs nothing and lasts forever? Timex or Avia.
    Want a good work watch? Casio G Shock (buy used not new).
    Rolexes are the best bet for holding and increasing their value but are nowhere near the best at keeping accurate time.

    • Rolex in house movement is nothing special compared to the Zenith El primero and Grand Seiko movements.

      Both are understated, elegant and a lot less likely to involve getting your hand hacked of by a passing chimpy on a stolen bicycle.

    • Thanks Vernon. Really appreciate such nuggets of information from people in the know.

    • Automatic watches are a mystery to me.
      How come they can never be overwound?
      What is with that large rotating disc, does it contain a clutch of some sort?
      Cannot see any of the movement because said disc obscures it.

    • Dear Vernon Fox,

      Totally agree with you concerning Avia watches. (Don’t have any experience with Timex though.)

      Had a couple of Casio digitals that were gifts (straps bust or the watch just simply failed).
      Bought a Swatch automatic (decades ago I was young, weren’t we all) which I replaced under warranty for a battery operated one which of course was unrepairable after warranty expiration.

      Bought an Avia watch at the local Paqui hardware store probably late last century, analogue, metal strap, quartz, rotating bezel, 100m water resistant for £20. Batteries been changed thrice at the same local Paqui hardware store a fiver a time.
      That watch is my general everyday watch, it’s a bit tatty looking but it is very comfortable and the crystal (original) has only one tiny scratch on it (2-3mms) which is practically unnoticeable as it is at the 1 o’clock index marker. Considering I have fallen off my bike many a time (black ice, craters in the road), been knocked over by a car (the car was worse off after I dented it’s bonnet with my elbow whilst being knocked over), broken a bone after a fall, swam in the Atlantic and the Mediterranean Sea, abseiled down a hospital, been attacked by two druggies and many other trials and tribulations in life it makes me consider that Avia watches put other so called tough and hard-wearing watches to shame.

      The only thing that I had to replace (apart from the battery) was the double buckle clip (for a couple of pounds which I repaired myself) as I dismounted off my bike (a few years ago) via a pothole and fell forward into the concrete by breaking my fall using my forearms to avoid head-butting the ground.

      I know a few people that have expensive watches such as Rolex and Omega (brand of watch not the name of friends) one such friend’s super expensive watch has big scratches on the crystal which he has only had for a six or seven years. They must be using really sub par or cheap crystal in manufacturing process.

      Got an Avia Polar Star watch in nearly mint condition on ebay a couple of years ago for under £17 via bidding. Chuffed as £uck with it. It’s nice but not flash.

      Avia watches are very under-rated and easily affordable watches they keep good time and are as robust as Tonka Trucks. They can be a bit of a rarity as the Fossil brand acquired them many years ago and haven’t been in production for many years.

  20. Once when Visiting Saudi Arabia, on landing the pilot said “ ladies and gentlemen, don’t forget to adjust your watches to the local time.”
    Fuck me I thought “how do I turn it back to the 8th century?”

    • I thought they wore sun dials on their wrists in Goatshaggerland…….like Fred Flintstone.

    • I’m sure their watch faces denoted a young child with the numbers being their ages! Cunts.

    • David Dickinson swears by a nice watch, maybe twinned with some rings and a chunky bracelet.
      Its a timeless look.

  22. Should have kept the Roles. Waterproof to 300m and doesn’t need a battery.

    • I have a similar Casio watch, Dutchoven. I find it suitable as it has not only the time but the day and date as well. It is easy to replace the strap using a screwdriver. Just put the screws somewhere safe an upturned jam jar lid for example.

      Without a watch I sometimes forget what day it is. Mind you, with the situation at the moment sometimes every day feels the same.

      I tend not to wear those big metal watches as I have arms like a t-rex hehe. 🙂

  24. A few years back, I had a car key/remote. I only had the one, and time had wlrn the rubber buttons.
    I got a replacement housing / empty case. Transplanting the circuit board / inner gubbins was easy, but the key blade was pinned. I went to Timpsons to see if they could remove the key blade or even cut the new blank….
    No can do – we can send it away and get you a new remote fob/key cut and transponder ; £170 and it’ll take 2 weeks.

    I went home, got a magnifying glass. Punched the locking pin out the key blade with a precision screwdriver and a hammer. Removed the transponder with a 99p craft knife and a pair of tweezers. Refitted in new casing. Locked the blade in situ with the old locking pin and a pair of pliers. Took me 10 minutes & the fob worked perfectly.

    Timpsons are ‘professional’ locksmiths – like fuck are they. All the skilled blokes are dead & gone. Now they’re just monkeys …. and Cunts !

  25. Got a couple of high end Eco’s, worth every penny but service costs are crazy. Purchased a Garmin Solar Pro last year, nice watch but with all the spying on my health vitals it’s made me into a hypocondriac. Does make me move my arse though. Oh got a Rolex, when I wear it to be an upwardly mobile cunt I make a point of asking some lady ‘whats the time as I left my glasses at home’. Love being a ponce.

    (Wordfence doesn’t like “ponce” hence why your comment ended up in the MQ. Just a heads up is all – DA)

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